“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon
I originally started to write a post offering tons of different New Year’s resolutions and tips to stick to them to create lasting change.
After all, that’s what we bloggers do around the end of the year: share our best practices for improving our lives as December rolls into January; compile well-researched suggestions to change, and do it consistently, despite knowing most people give up on resolutions within weeks of setting them.
Then I realized that didn’t feel authentic to me.
I don’t actually believe New Year’s Day is any different than any other day. I don’t believe a random point in the time measurement system we’ve created requires us to make a laundry list of things we need to change or improve.
New Year’s Eve is, in fact, just another day, and the next day is one, as well.
I don’t mean to minimize the excitement of the New Year, or any of the days we’ve chosen to celebrate for religious or honorary reasons. I love a big event as much as the next person; in fact, I sometimes bust out the champagne for parallel parking well or using a really big word in a sentence.
What I’m saying is that New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason, and it’s only slightly related to intention or discipline.
Resolutions fail because they don’t emerge from true breakthroughs. They’re calendar-driven obligations. and they often address the symptoms, not the cause of our unhappiness.
Some resolutions are smart for our physical and emotional health and well-being. Quitting smoking, losing weight, managing stress better—these are all healthy things.
But if we don’t address what underlies our needs to light up, order double bacon cheeseburgers, and worry ourselves into frenzies, will it really help to vow on one arbitrary day to give up everything that helps us pretend we’re fine?
It’s almost like we set ourselves up for failure to avoid addressing the messy stuff.
Why We’re Really Unhappy
I can’t say this is true for everyone, but my experience has shown me that my unhappiness—and my need for coping mechanisms—come from several different places:
- I’m dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.
- I’m comparing myself to everyone else—their accomplishments, the respect and the attention they garner, and their apparently perfect lives.
- I’m feeling dissatisfied with how I’m spending my time and the impact I’m making on the world.
- I’ve lost hope in my potential.
- I’m expecting and finding the worst in people.
- I’m turning myself into a victim or a martyr, blaming everyone else.
- I’m spiraling into negative thinking, seeing everything as a sign of doom and hopelessness
- I’m assuming there should be a point in time when none of the above happens anymore.
The last one, I believe, is the worst cause of unhappiness. All those other things I mentioned are human, whether we experience them persistently or occasionally.
We’ll do these things from time to time, and they’ll hurt. In the aftermath, we’ll want to do all those different things that every year we promise to give up.
We’ll want to eat, drink, or smoke away our feelings. Or we’ll want to work away our nagging sense of inadequacy. Or we’ll judge whether or not we’re really enjoying life enough, and in the very act of judging detract from that enjoyment.
So, perhaps the best resolution has nothing to do with giving up all those not-so-healthy things and everything to do with adopting a new mindset that will make it less tempting to turn to them.
An Alternative to Resolutions
Maybe instead of trying to trim away all the symptoms of our dissatisfaction, we can accept that what we really want is happiness—and that true happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.
No amount of medication or meditation can change the fact that we will sometimes get caught up in thoughts and emotions.
What we can do is work to improve the ratio of happy-to-unhappy moments. We can learn to identify when we’re spiraling and pull ourselves back with the things we enjoy and want to do in this world.
Instead of scolding ourselves for all the things we’re doing wrong and making long to-do lists to stop doing them, we can focus on doing the things that feel right to us.
This may sound familiar if you’ve read about positive psychology.
I’m no posi-psy expert, and to my knowledge no one is since the industry is unregulated. But it doesn’t take an expert to know it feels a lot better to choose to nurture positive moments than it does to berate myself for things I’ve done that might seem negative—all while plotting to give them all up when the clock strikes tabula rasa.
4 Simple Steps to Increase Your Happiness Ratio
This is something I’ve been working on for years, so it comes from my personal experience. As I have worked to increase my levels of satisfaction, meaning, and happiness, I have given up a number of unhealthy habits, including smoking, overeating, and chronically dwelling and complaining.
That all required deliberate intention, but it was impossible until I addressed the underlying feelings. I still have some unhealthy habits, but I know releasing them starts with understanding why I turn to them. Starting today, and every day, regardless of the calendar:
1. Recognize the places where you feel helpless…
…the housing situation, the job, the relationship, that sense of meaningless. Then plan to do something small to change that starting right now. Acknowledge that you have the power to do at least one small thing to empower yourself.
Don’t commit to major outcomes just yet. Just find the confidence and courage to take one small step knowing that you’ll learn as you go where it’s heading. As you add up little successes, the bigger picture will become clearer. This isn’t major transformation over a night. It’s a small seed of change that can grow.
2. Identify the different events that lead to feelings that seem negative.
Like gossiping with your coworker, overextending yourself at work, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much.
Whatever it is that generally leaves you with unhappy feelings, note it down. Work to reduce these, making a conscious effort to do them on one fewer day per week, then two, and then three. The key isn’t to completely cut out these things, but rather to minimize their occurrence.
3. Identify the things that create positive feelings.
Like going to the park, painting, looking at photo albums, or singing. Whatever creates feel-good chemicals in your head, note them down and make a promise to yourself to integrate them into your day. As you feel your way through your joy, add to this. Learn the formula for your bliss.
Know that these moments of joy are a priority, and you deserve to receive them. When you’re fully immersed within a happy moment of your own choosing, you’re a lot less likely to get lost dwelling, obsessing, comparing, judging, and wishing you were better.
4. Stay mindful of the ratio.
If you’ve had an entire week that’s been overwhelming, dark, or negative, instead of getting down on yourself for falling that low, remind yourself that only your kindness can pull you out. Tell yourself that you deserve to restore a sense of balance—to maintain a healthy ratio.
Then give yourself what you need. Take a personal day at work and take a day trip. Go to the park to relax and reflect. Remind yourself only you can let go of what’s been and come back to what can be.
It’s not about perfection or a complete release from all the causes of unhappiness. It’s about accepting that being human involves a little unhappiness—but how often it consumes us is up to us.
This might not be a lengthy list of unhealthy behaviors you can give up, and how, or a long list of suggestions for adventure and excitement in the new year. But all those things mean nothing if you’re not in the right head space to release the bad and enjoy the good.
Resolve what you will this year, but know that happiness is the ultimate goal. It starts in daily choices, not lofty resolutions—on any day you decide to start.
Article written by: Lori Deschene from Tiny Buddha
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How to Become a Better Person in 7 Days
/in Healthy Habits, Self-Esteem /by Lisa HillaryJanuary is rife with talk of becoming a better version of yourself, but the discussion usually focuses on the 12 months ahead. The issue with this long-term approach is that it places the emphasis on what you’ll do one day, rather than what you’ll do today.
“The time to start is today,” writes Lolly Daskal, the president and CEO of Lead From Within, in an article for Business Insider. “The alternative is a sad one: to look back one day and wish you had done better.”
To create a framework to challenge yourself and self-reflect, she’s devised seven simple questions—one to ask each day of the week. “If you can ask them with courage, answer them with truth, and put to use what you learn from them, the next seven days will be your master class on becoming a better person,” she says. Are you ready for the challenge?
Day 1: What do I sound like?
“The way you sound is the best indicator of how you think. Do you express negativity or optimism? Complacency or joy? Acceptance or judgment?” Daskal says.
Day 2: What do I still need to learn?
Learning is a lifelong pursuit. Acknowledge that there are infinite things you can learn, and the people around you can all offer a unique perspective and insight to grow your knowledge.
Day 3: How can I be more purposeful?
Living each day with purpose will help you to remain present and focused. What can you do today to be more purposeful? What do you want to achieve?
Day 4: How can I become a better role model?
“It’s not about making yourself into someone you’re not but about being genuine with who you are, with all your weakness and strengths, and living from that truth,” Daskal says. Aspire to do every task, no matter how great or small, to the best of your ability.
Day 5: Who do I need to forgive?
Holding onto anger or resentment can provide serious emotional blockages that can appear in other areas of your life. To truly become a better person, ask who you need to forgive in order to focus on what matters.
Day 6: How can I lace everything with love?
“Give freely of yourself without expecting anything in return,” she says. “Make today the day you lace everything you say and do with unconditional love. There’s no greater game changer.”
Day 7: How can I cultivate an attitude of gratitude?
You cannot always control what happens to you in life but you can control how you perceive and learn from it. Reflect on the week that’s passed, and focus on all that you’re grateful for.
Article written by: Sophie Miura, Author of “The Self-Care Ritual That Every Therapist Swears by.”
31 Ways to Beat The January Blues
/in Happiness, Healthy Habits /by Lisa HillaryA happiness tip-a-day keeps the blues away…
Happiness expert Andy Cope, author of The Little Book of Emotional Intelligence offers 31 brilliant tips to keep us thinking positively as 2017 begins…
One New Year’s Resolution That Creates Lasting Change
/in Monday Motivation /by Lisa HillaryI originally started to write a post offering tons of different New Year’s resolutions and tips to stick to them to create lasting change.
After all, that’s what we bloggers do around the end of the year: share our best practices for improving our lives as December rolls into January; compile well-researched suggestions to change, and do it consistently, despite knowing most people give up on resolutions within weeks of setting them.
Then I realized that didn’t feel authentic to me.
I don’t actually believe New Year’s Day is any different than any other day. I don’t believe a random point in the time measurement system we’ve created requires us to make a laundry list of things we need to change or improve.
New Year’s Eve is, in fact, just another day, and the next day is one, as well.
I don’t mean to minimize the excitement of the New Year, or any of the days we’ve chosen to celebrate for religious or honorary reasons. I love a big event as much as the next person; in fact, I sometimes bust out the champagne for parallel parking well or using a really big word in a sentence.
What I’m saying is that New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason, and it’s only slightly related to intention or discipline.
Resolutions fail because they don’t emerge from true breakthroughs. They’re calendar-driven obligations. and they often address the symptoms, not the cause of our unhappiness.
Some resolutions are smart for our physical and emotional health and well-being. Quitting smoking, losing weight, managing stress better—these are all healthy things.
But if we don’t address what underlies our needs to light up, order double bacon cheeseburgers, and worry ourselves into frenzies, will it really help to vow on one arbitrary day to give up everything that helps us pretend we’re fine?
It’s almost like we set ourselves up for failure to avoid addressing the messy stuff.
Why We’re Really Unhappy
I can’t say this is true for everyone, but my experience has shown me that my unhappiness—and my need for coping mechanisms—come from several different places:
The last one, I believe, is the worst cause of unhappiness. All those other things I mentioned are human, whether we experience them persistently or occasionally.
We’ll do these things from time to time, and they’ll hurt. In the aftermath, we’ll want to do all those different things that every year we promise to give up.
We’ll want to eat, drink, or smoke away our feelings. Or we’ll want to work away our nagging sense of inadequacy. Or we’ll judge whether or not we’re really enjoying life enough, and in the very act of judging detract from that enjoyment.
So, perhaps the best resolution has nothing to do with giving up all those not-so-healthy things and everything to do with adopting a new mindset that will make it less tempting to turn to them.
An Alternative to Resolutions
Maybe instead of trying to trim away all the symptoms of our dissatisfaction, we can accept that what we really want is happiness—and that true happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.
No amount of medication or meditation can change the fact that we will sometimes get caught up in thoughts and emotions.
What we can do is work to improve the ratio of happy-to-unhappy moments. We can learn to identify when we’re spiraling and pull ourselves back with the things we enjoy and want to do in this world.
Instead of scolding ourselves for all the things we’re doing wrong and making long to-do lists to stop doing them, we can focus on doing the things that feel right to us.
This may sound familiar if you’ve read about positive psychology.
I’m no posi-psy expert, and to my knowledge no one is since the industry is unregulated. But it doesn’t take an expert to know it feels a lot better to choose to nurture positive moments than it does to berate myself for things I’ve done that might seem negative—all while plotting to give them all up when the clock strikes tabula rasa.
4 Simple Steps to Increase Your Happiness Ratio
This is something I’ve been working on for years, so it comes from my personal experience. As I have worked to increase my levels of satisfaction, meaning, and happiness, I have given up a number of unhealthy habits, including smoking, overeating, and chronically dwelling and complaining.
That all required deliberate intention, but it was impossible until I addressed the underlying feelings. I still have some unhealthy habits, but I know releasing them starts with understanding why I turn to them. Starting today, and every day, regardless of the calendar:
1. Recognize the places where you feel helpless…
…the housing situation, the job, the relationship, that sense of meaningless. Then plan to do something small to change that starting right now. Acknowledge that you have the power to do at least one small thing to empower yourself.
Don’t commit to major outcomes just yet. Just find the confidence and courage to take one small step knowing that you’ll learn as you go where it’s heading. As you add up little successes, the bigger picture will become clearer. This isn’t major transformation over a night. It’s a small seed of change that can grow.
2. Identify the different events that lead to feelings that seem negative.
Like gossiping with your coworker, overextending yourself at work, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much.
Whatever it is that generally leaves you with unhappy feelings, note it down. Work to reduce these, making a conscious effort to do them on one fewer day per week, then two, and then three. The key isn’t to completely cut out these things, but rather to minimize their occurrence.
3. Identify the things that create positive feelings.
Like going to the park, painting, looking at photo albums, or singing. Whatever creates feel-good chemicals in your head, note them down and make a promise to yourself to integrate them into your day. As you feel your way through your joy, add to this. Learn the formula for your bliss.
Know that these moments of joy are a priority, and you deserve to receive them. When you’re fully immersed within a happy moment of your own choosing, you’re a lot less likely to get lost dwelling, obsessing, comparing, judging, and wishing you were better.
4. Stay mindful of the ratio.
If you’ve had an entire week that’s been overwhelming, dark, or negative, instead of getting down on yourself for falling that low, remind yourself that only your kindness can pull you out. Tell yourself that you deserve to restore a sense of balance—to maintain a healthy ratio.
Then give yourself what you need. Take a personal day at work and take a day trip. Go to the park to relax and reflect. Remind yourself only you can let go of what’s been and come back to what can be.
It’s not about perfection or a complete release from all the causes of unhappiness. It’s about accepting that being human involves a little unhappiness—but how often it consumes us is up to us.
This might not be a lengthy list of unhealthy behaviors you can give up, and how, or a long list of suggestions for adventure and excitement in the new year. But all those things mean nothing if you’re not in the right head space to release the bad and enjoy the good.
Resolve what you will this year, but know that happiness is the ultimate goal. It starts in daily choices, not lofty resolutions—on any day you decide to start.
Article written by: Lori Deschene from Tiny Buddha
Coping with the Holidays…
/in Holiday Coping /by Lisa HillaryThe holiday season often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it’s no wonder. The holidays present a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, to name just a few.
But with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress that accompanies the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.
Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression
When stress is at its peak, it’s hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past.
Try these alternatives:
Try these suggestions:
Some options may include:
Don’t let the holidays become something you dread. Instead, take steps to prevent the stress and depression that can descend during the holidays. Learn to recognize your holiday triggers, such as financial pressures or personal demands, so you can combat them before they lead to a meltdown. With a little planning and some positive thinking, you can find peace and joy during the holidays.
Article written by: The Mayo Clinic Staff
Four Things That Can Destroy Relationships
/in Relationships /by Lisa HillaryAccording to John Gottman, Ph.D., “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are behaviors that, if they occur regularly, are very good predictors of either a failed or a terminally unhappy relationship. If you discover that any of these occur often in your relationship, you and your partner are most likely heading for trouble. The “Four Horsemen” are:
If either you or your partner regularly engages in any of these behaviors during fights, you have some work to do. The Four Horsemen corrode the love that is at the core of an intimate relationship.
What are the antidotes for these problem behaviors? There are many! Here are some suggestions:
If you and your partner find it difficult to replace the Four Horsemen with more loving behaviors, therapy can help. I am an expert at coaching couples in how to re-establish intimacy in damaged relationships. Please contact me if you have questions or would like to schedule an initial consultation for you and your partner.
The Importance of Expressing Gratitude
/in Healthy Habits /by Lisa HillaryWith Thanksgiving just behind us, the Holiday season has officially began. Giving thanks for what we have can be the best gift that we can provide ourselves. This article is an excellent reminder of how expressing gratitude can truly change your life.
Monday Motivation…
/in Monday Motivation /by Lisa HillaryWhat is Healthy Eating?
/in Healthy Eating /by cindybHealthy Eating is about Freedom. It is about whether you feel free to choose what you are going to eat, how much, and when.
Healthy Eating is about feeling great, having energy, and keeping yourself in a “healthy” state of mind and body.
Healthy Eating is about giving yourself permission to eat because the food “tastes” good and to continue eating until you feel satisfied.
Healthy Eating is eating three meals a day plus snacks or perhaps choosing to munch along. It is having two cookies and making a free and conscious decision to eat a third for any reason—because they taste good, because they are freshly baked, how rarely you have them, or it is leaving more cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow.
Healthy Eating is being able to choose foods that provide your body with the vitamins and nutrients it needs—for ENERGY, but not being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods.
Healthy Eating is allowing yourself to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad, bored, or because it just feels good—and not beating yourself up afterwards.
Healthy Eating is overeating at times: feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more.
Healthy Eating is trusting that your body will BALANCE everything out.
Healthy Eating may take some time and energy, but it should only be one small component of your life.
Ultimately, Healthy Eating is not about strict nutrition philosophies. It should be flexible, changing in response to your hunger, your emotions, your schedule and your proximity to food.
Do Introverts Need Help?
/in Relationships, Self-Esteem /by cindybMany of us are quieter types who keep to ourselves, preferring not to socialize too much. We can feel quite uncomfortable in large crowds, preferring small groups and intimate settings. We have a rich internal world that we find very satisfying. Although, we feel strongly about what makes us uncomfortable, we can also feel that there is something a bit wrong with us when we do.
One difficulty that commonly arises, is that introverts are often drawn to extroverts and can end up in relationships with them. This is pretty understandable – all of us seek out people who seem to have qualities we don’t have, but some extroverts have a very difficult time understanding introverts. Because extroverts like to be outgoing and social (and less focused on their interior worlds) it can sometimes be difficult for them to understand the world of the introvert, who doesn’t like to do these things. As is often the case, when we don’t understand something it can start seem like an aberration.
If you’re an introvert you might be getting the message from an extrovert close to you that there is something wrong with you and you need to go to therapy to sort yourself out. You may have been hearing this for a while and are starting to wonder if it is true. If so, I’d suggest reading this article with your extroverted partner to help make sense of your differences: http://holykaw.alltop.com/understanding-your-introvert-chart?tu2=1
Ultimately, people are frequently unaware that they’re introverts -– especially if they’re not shy — because they may not realize that being an introvert is about more than just cultivating time alone. Instead, it can be more instructive to pay attention to whether you’re losing or gaining energy from being around others, even if the company of friends gives you pleasure.
Let’s embrace who we are, not what people expect us to be…and appreciate each other’s differences.
How Practicing Mindfulness for Just 5 Minutes a Day Can Improve Health…
/0 Comments/in Monday Motivation /by cindybPracticing mindfulness has been shown to have numerous positive effects on well-being. Decades of research supports what has been known for thousands of years by cultures that practice mindfulness. Engaging in a practice even for just a few minutes a day can lower stress and anxiety, relieve feelings of depression and pain, and boost the immune system. Cultivating mindfulness helps us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, which promotes emotional balance and self-awareness.
Here are some great online resources for guided meditations. They’re a great place to start if you want to try out meditation for the first time, or if you’re an experienced practitioner and enjoy guided meditations.