Tag Archive for: Anxiety

4 Types of Burnout

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Burnout, an occupational health concern, is described as exhaustion related mostly to work, although it applies to other domains too. Burnout carries emotional exhaustion (e.g., emotional drain/depletion), physical exhaustion (e.g., taking more time in the morning to get ready for work), and cognitive exhaustion (e.g., inability to concentrate on tasks that were previously easy to complete).

The symptoms vary among individuals, but a clear indicator of burnout is a progressive distance or mental detachment from work responsibilities. Although burnout is not recognized as a formal medical condition, it is a concern that can affect all areas of life and have a substantial impact on the psycho-social functioning of the individual.

There is emerging evidence regarding the subtypes of burnout, such as the frenetic, under-challenged, and worn-out subtypes, and more recently the misalignment subtype. Considering the level of work dedication, one may experience a transition from one form of burnout to another.

Common sub-types of burnout

Frenetic sub-type:

  • Characterized by work overload, and usually a high level of dedication
  • It is commonly attached to the “law of compensation” in psychology, meaning an overachievement at work and underachievement in other areas of life (e.g., personal life)

Under-challenged sub-type:

  • Characterized by an under-stimulating environment where work tasks are mostly repetitive
  • Over time, work becomes uninteresting and monotonous
  • There are no clear avenues for professional growth

Worn-out sub-type:

  • Also known as neglect burnout
  • Characterized by learned helplessness and hopelessness
  • Typically related to unstructured or unclear tasks, the individual adopts a progressive neglectful approach in the face of potentially demanding and stressful work

Misalignment sub-type:

  • Characterized by a discrepancy between the company’s values and the personal values and life principles of the individual
  • Such burnout is often present in jobs that are considered uninspiring for some people
  • Professional and personal fulfillment are considered conflicting (misaligned)

Suggestions to navigate a chapter with burnout:

  • Identify the type of burnout you are experiencing. Be honest, authentic, and transparent with yourself as this form of self-reflection is fundamental to starting a fresh direction in terms of the prospective approach to work.
  • Identify personality traits and explore their correlation with burnout in your particular situation. An interesting literature review found that some people are at a higher risk of experiencing burnout depending on their personality traits, such as higher levels of neuroticism or lower agreeableness according to the Big Five model of personality. As a prevention measure, having awareness of one’s personality traits helps in aligning personal characteristics with different job profiles to limit burnout rates.
  • If possible, discuss your concerns with your manager. Suppose you are one of those lucky individuals who can address their professional circumstances with the managerial team. This is a great opportunity to negotiate tasks that are in line with your objectives, personal values, and future professional development.
  • Discuss with a therapist who can provide support and advice regarding different perspectives while considering your abilities. An experienced therapist can help you identify and unlock the fusion between past personal circumstances and present work situations.
  • What are the challenges at work? Are there perhaps personal patterns that arise at work but their core lies in family or relationship dynamics? This could potentially be food for introspection. For example, a person who was raised in an unpredictable and chronic stressful environment may seek present job profiles that resemble core emotional and cognitive responses from the past.
  • Implement quality over quantity. Some people engage in their work from a quantitative standpoint (the more hours they engage at work, the greater performance they expect). This is a myth and a counterproductive approach to a healthy outlook at work. Research indicates that spending fewer hours at work, taking regular breaks, having a more realistic work-life balance, or working, for instance, a four-day week can boost productivity and overall well-being, and reduce burnout rates.
  • Take a break. It can happen that you did parts of the above. If there is financial stability (you have savings for a certain period), an incredible way to reconnect and find a purposeful job is to wander around freely, to let your mind rest and come up with new ideas. Replenish energy to gain a fresh perspective. That may come from internal work, traveling or perhaps engaging with the community. In many cases, you are the expert of your life, trust your intuition.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about BURNOUT or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Alexandria Ghita of Psychology Today

Online Therapy for Busy Lifestyles: Prioritizing Your Mental Health

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Managing the balance of work, life, and relationships can be challenging, and sometimes, finding the time to prioritize your mental health can feel like a daunting task. But, that’s the benefit of having an online therapist.

Whether you’re juggling work, family, or a never-ending to-do list, online therapy, offers flexibility and convenience to help you take care of your mental well-being. So, let’s explore how you can make the most of your online therapy appointments when your schedule is busier than ever.

The Challenge of Work-Life Balance and Mental Health

Balancing work, life, and mental health can often be a challenge to figure out. The demands of a busy job, relationships, home responsibilities, and the daily grind can leave us feeling stretched thin.

Sometimes this might mean our mental health takes a backseat as we attempt to handle all of our commitments. But it’s essential to remember that neglecting our mental well-being can have a ripple effect, impacting both our work and personal life. Finding that equilibrium requires intention, self-care, and a willingness to seek support when needed. It’s a challenging task, but acknowledging the struggle is the first step towards achieving that balance.

Tips for Making the Most of Online Therapy

1. Prioritize Self-Care: The first step to making online therapy work for you is to recognize the importance of taking time for yourself and for sustainable and meaningful self-care. Mental health is health so it is something to consider prioritizing alongside work meetings, errands, and meet-ups with friends or family.

2. Choose the Right Therapist: Finding the right therapist is essential. Take your time to research and select someone whose expertise and approach align with your needs. Most therapists have online profiles that detail their specialties and approaches, making it easier to find the perfect fit.

3. Set Realistic Goals: Be honest with yourself about your schedule. If your days are jam-packed, it might not be feasible to commit to weekly sessions. Work with your therapist to set realistic goals and set appointment times that can work for your schedule on a weekly basis.

4. Embrace the Convenience: Online therapy allows you to attend sessions from the comfort of your own home or wherever you may be. Take advantage of this convenience and enjoy the lack of commute time. You can even have sessions during your lunch break if that works best for you.

5. Create a Dedicated Space: Designate a quiet, comfortable space for your online therapy sessions. It could be a cozy corner in your bedroom or a secluded spot in your living room. Ideally, this space is free from distractions so you can fully focus on your therapy and, of course, private and confidential.

6. Stay Committed: Consistency is key in therapy, so commit to your appointments. Treat them as non-negotiable, just like you would with any other important commitment. Remember, this is time for you to heal and grow.

7. Integrate Mindfulness: In the midst of your busy life, remember to stay mindful of your mental health. Check in with yourself regularly, practice self-compassion, and remember that it’s okay to take a break when needed.

What to Expect In Online Therapy (and Is It Effective?)

In online therapy, you can expect a similar therapeutic experience as in-person sessions, with a few key differences. During your virtual sessions, you’ll interact with your therapist through video calls or phone conversations, which offers flexibility and convenience. While the physical distance may initially feel unusual, many people find they become just as comfortable discussing their concerns and emotions online as they do in person.

Online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for individuals and couples because it is the same level of support, guidance, and evidence-based interventions. However, the effectiveness can vary depending on the individual’s comfort with technology, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the nature of their mental health concerns.

Ultimately, the choice between virtual and in-person therapy should be based on your personal preferences and needs, as both formats of therapy have been proven to provide valuable mental health support.

Connect with an Online Therapist in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

Online therapy offers a dedicated space for those with hectic schedules, allowing you to invest in yourself without adding extra stress to your day. And, getting started can be the hardest part of getting started with therapy. If you’re interested in learning more about our online therapy or our team, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Woman who practices self-compassion through mindfulness

Embracing Imperfection: The Power of Self-Compassion

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When we watch TV, scroll through social media, or see other people’s achievements in life, we can develop unrealistic standards of beauty, intelligence, and success. This can create a habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others, which can lead to harsh self-criticism.

Harsh self-criticism can have a negative impact on our mental and emotional health. A healthier way to deal with your imperfections is to recognize them without judgment and respond with self-compassion.

What is Self-Compassion? (And Its Importance)

Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself the same way you would treat other people who are having a difficult time. It is noticing your suffering, having the desire to care for yourself, and recognizing that your imperfection or struggle is a part of being human.

Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered the study of self-compassion, identified the three elements of self-compassion:

  • Self-Kindness. This involves being concerned and caring for your discomfort and distress. It’s being there for yourself when you find life difficult.
  • Common Humanity. This means that you recognize that facing challenges in life is an experience that all humans share, so you don’t feel alone in your struggles.
  • Mindfulness. To be mindful is to acknowledge your pain without overidentifying your negative thoughts and feelings. It takes a balanced approach that allows you to have the perspective to practice compassion for yourself.

Self-compassion is important in today’s society because it can help you strike a balance between striving for excellence and accepting your limitations. This way, you can bounce back from setbacks, learn from your failures, and still have a positive outlook in life even in the face of challenges.

Understanding the Concept of Imperfection

Perfectionism can leave us constantly stressed, burnt out, and unhappy with our lives. Moreover, unrealistic expectations can lead to low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Imperfections are qualities or characteristics of something or someone that deviate from a perfect or ideal standard. It might refer to physical imperfections, such as scars or blemishes. Or even academic imperfections, such as grades that are less than perfect.

Before we can practice self-compassion, we need to recognize that flaws are a part of life. When we recognize that humans are imperfect, then we can look at our shortcomings and avoid falling into feelings of self-loathing. It allows us to understand that it’s normal to make mistakes or accept that some things are out of our control.

The Detrimental Effects of Self-Judgment

Self-judgment involves looking at yourself, your characteristics, actions, and behaviors in a critical or often negative way. When you talk to yourself in a negative way, you can start to believe that everything your inner critic says is true. Additionally, it can fuel your perfectionism tendencies, which can lead to a constant fear of failure.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can reduce the pressure to be perfect because you can accept that you’re only human. You can better bounce back from setbacks and cope with challenges. Moreover, if you treat yourself with compassion, you can treat others with the same understanding.

Studies on Self-Compassion

The concept of self-compassion and its effects have been researched in various studies. According to a research, self-compassion can reduce people’s reactions to negative events. It can lessen the impact of negative self-feelings when imagining distressing events and receiving contradictory feedback. Moreover, it can also make people recognize their role in negative events without being overwhelmed.

Self-compassion has also been linked to improved emotional well-being. In a 2022 study, results showed a positive two-way connection between self-compassion and happiness. It was also found that mindfulness was a significant contributing factor that influences happiness.

Strategies for Embracing Imperfection

Practicing self-compassion is key to embracing your imperfections. Here are some strategies you can try:

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a key element of self-compassion. It’s taking a balanced approach to dealing with your negative thoughts and emotions, so you’re not avoiding or exaggerating your feelings. By being mindful, you are avoiding falling into the pitfall of rumination, which is the process of repetitive thinking or dwelling on your negative thoughts.

For example, if you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a moment to pause what you are doing. Acknowledge the thought as an impartial observer and label it as just a thought. Assess if your thoughts are helpful or useful. Recognize that you have the choice to let go of the thoughts if they’re not helpful to you.

Use positive affirmations

Affirmations are statements that you can use to challenge and replace negative thoughts about yourself. They can help you gain a more positive mindset.

Positive affirmations play an important role in practicing self-compassion because you’re promoting a kinder attitude toward yourself. They can help you challenge negative self-talk and break the cycle of harsh self-judgment.

Self-love affirmations can help promote body positivity, emotional well-being, self-compassion, personal growth, self-worth, and inner peace. For example, you can say, “I forgive myself for making mistakes. I believe in my ability to learn from them” or “I embrace my imperfections as a part of my unique and beautiful self.”

Accept and learn from mistakes

Instead of letting your failures defeat you, use them as opportunities for learning and growth.

First, acknowledge your mistake and recognize that it’s part of being human. The next step is to take responsibility for your actions and analyze the mistake to understand what went wrong. Ask yourself, what can you learn and what would you do differently next time.

If needed, you can take action to rectify the situation. You can also seek feedback from other people to gain another perspective. Then develop a plan so you can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. Lastly, forgive yourself and let go of the self-blame so you can grow as a person.

Self-Compassion in Daily Life

Start your day mindfully by taking a few deep breaths and setting your intentions for the day ahead.

Then you can recite positive affirmations about yourself. Repeat these statements regularly multiple times a day so you can internalize them.

Try to practice self-kindness when you make mistakes or face challenges throughout the day. Replace negative self-talk (which is frequently done in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT) such as “I’m so stupid for making mistakes” with “It’s okay to make mistakes, I will learn from it and do better.” This can help you achieve a growth mindset while being compassionate towards yourself.

At the end of the day, you can also write in your journal to express your thoughts and feelings during difficult moments and reflect on your mistakes. Use self-compassionate language as much as possible. Don’t forget to list down things you’re grateful for and celebrate your progress as well!

Embrace Your Imperfections Through Self-Compassion

Remember that your flaws are what make you human, relatable, and unique. That’s why embracing your imperfections is a powerful act of self-love.

You can practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself just as you would to a friend. It might take time and effort to gain this skill, but it’s all worth it in the end.

Finding A Therapist To Support You

Managing your thinking mistakes – all or nothing and catastrophizing – will support you well in overcoming perfectionism. The same is true for learning how to be kinder with yourself through a self-compassion practice.

At Hillary Counseling, our therapists utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and mindfulness to reduce perfectionism. These types of therapy greatly help you change your mindset which is essential to become less perfectionistic.

Want to learn about embracing imperfection for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our Milwaukee therapists, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.

 

 

Article By: Michael Vallejo, LCSW

Woman practicing mindfulness to manage her social anxiety.

Being Thankful in an Age of Anxiety

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This Thanksgiving feels different to a lot of people. They are glued to the news, concerned about the state of the world, watching or participating in demonstrations and rallies, not sure how to speak to their children about war, and seeing cracks in friendships because of opposing opinions about global events. Anxiety about Israel and Hamas, Russia and Ukraine, Israel and Hezbollah, America and Iran, gun violence, political polarization… the list goes on and on. There are fears for the present and trepidation about the future.

Individuals vary in how they react to anxiety. Some bury their heads in their sand and ignore the rumbling sense of anxiety that seems to permeate society or that lies beneath their exterior. Others are in a hyper-alert state and can’t get enough of the latest, up-to-the-minute news reports and social media feeds.

At a time when people get their news from sources that accentuate their own beliefs and communicate in an echo chamber, emotions become even more intensified. Because of 24/7 media, the international, the interpersonal, and intra-psychic have all converged in a way that we may never have seen before. This tests the metal in each of us.

As Benjamin Franklin said, out of adversity comes opportunity. Our age of anxiety presents us with what can be considered a Zen challenge. Can we maintain calm and experience gratitude at a time when we are tense, worried, and, perhaps, feeling a bit pessimistic? Like anything else, relaxation and calm take a bit of work.

Steps for Easing Your Anxiety

Here are suggestions for easing your anxiety and fostering your appreciation for the blessings in your life:

1. Modulate what you are being exposed to. Staying tuned to news all day is a recipe for agita. Give yourself breaks. Some people can’t help but starting and ending their day with updates on the news, but try to limit your exposure.

2. Practice loving-kindness and self-compassion. This frequently means relieving oneself of guilt for things not done to your satisfaction or just generally feeling anxious. Try to do this for five or ten minutes. Holding on to moments when you are not consumed with negativity is invaluable.

3. Exercise. Whether you run, practice yoga, or do any other type of physical movement, it will help clear your head and access positive energy.

4. Take a couple of moments during the day to count your blessings—including the people in your life and the good fortune from which you’ve benefitted. Take nothing for granted. Taking things for granted only robs you of the fruits of your labor. (If you don’t think you have good things in your life, chances are this is a distortion from being depressed. Don’t ignore this sign. Seek help.)

5. Meditate. Posture, relaxation, breathing, and focus calms one’s body and mind.

6. Surround yourself with people who nourish you. Think about the effect that others have on you and, to the best of your ability, spend time with those who exude positive vibes. It can be just a phone call; it needn’t involve spending a weekend together.

7. If it’s within your spiritual outlook, pray for goodness in the world, for those you love, and for yourself.

If you’re looking for more guidance…We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual psychotherapy and online psychotherapy services for anxiety treatment, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and EMDR.

 

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Written by: Samuel L. Pauker, M.D

Hillary Counseling sign, located in Milwaukee, WI

TMJ4 News: Gallery Night Interview

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It’s the Monday after Gallery Night weekend and the Hillary Counseling team had a blast. We were lucky enough to be interviewed by TMJ4 news, who kicked off Gallery Night at the HC office.

https://www.tmj4.com/news/community-voices/milwaukees-vast-creative-culture-on-display-during-gallery-night-mke

It’s clear that the therapeutic potential of art is vast and applicable to individuals of all age groups. The notion that art can improve mental well-being is something many people intuitively understand but can lose sight of — especially if we have become disconnected from the dancing, creative writing, drawing and singing we used to enjoy as children.

But there’s a “really robust body of evidence” that suggests that art, as well as creating art and activities like attending a concert or visiting a museum, can benefit mental health. Here are a few simple ways to elevate your mood with the arts.

Try the three-drawing technique

Dr. James S. Gordon, a psychiatrist and the founder of The Center for Mind-Body Medicine, pioneered something called the “three drawing technique.” It is featured in the new book “Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Transform Us.”

“In my experience, art like this goes beyond words in helping us to understand what’s going on with ourselves and to understand what we should do with it,” Dr. Gordon says in the book. You don’t need to be good at drawing — stick figures are OK.

Start by quickly drawing yourself; don’t overthink it. The second drawing should show you with your biggest problem. The third drawing should show you after your problem has been solved.

This exercise is meant to encourage self-discovery and help give people agency in their own healing — and you can do it with or without a therapist, said Susan Magsamen, an assistant professor of neurology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a co-author of the book.

Color something intricate

If you are one of the many people who have turned to adult coloring books, it may not come as a surprise that research suggests this activity can help ease anxiety.

Coloring within the lines — of an intricate pattern, for example — appears to be especially effective. One study, that evaluated college students, and another that assessed older adults, found that spending 20 minutes coloring a mandala (a complex geometric design) was more helpful in reducing anxiety than free-form coloring for the same length of time.

Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic and the author of “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food,” described coloring as a “mini-mental vacation.” When we focus on the texture of the paper and choose the colors that please us, it becomes easier to tune out distractions and stay in the moment, she said. “It’s a great form of meditation for people who hate meditation.”

Listening to music, playing an instrument or singing can all be beneficial. A 2022 study, for example, surveyed more than 650 people in four age groups and asked them to rank the artistic activities that helped them “feel better” during the 2020 pandemic lockdowns. The youngest participants, ages 18 to 24, overwhelmingly rated musical activities as most effective. Across all age groups, “singing” was ranked among the top activities.

Other studies have found that singing reduces levels of cortisol, a hormone that the body releases when it is under stress. As one example, mothers who had recently given birth and regularly sang to their babies had less anxiety.

Music can be effective at reducing stress because things like rhythm and repetitive lyrics and chords engage multiple regions of the brain.

Looking for more on art and mental health? Reach out to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists. →

Mom and son who have a great relationship

20 Positive and Uplifting Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

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Ah, back-to-school season. That magical time of new backpacks, adorable “first-day” pictures, and the crushing mental load of keeping up with homework, field trips, and school supply lists. Especially after the lazy days of summer, the rush of activity surrounding the back-to-school season can feel overwhelming, and many mothers cite it as one of the most exhausting times of the year.

And yet, it’s also a beautiful, poignant season. Our kids are a year older and that much taller than in last year’s pictures. There are happy reunions with friends, both our kids and our own. There is the excitement of a new year and all the ways our children will learn and grow. But still, it’s hard to savor these things when we’re busy checking things off our lists and (barely) keeping our heads above water.

When life gets a little crazy, it can be nice to take a deep breath and give ourselves a reminder that not only are we doing the best we can, but our best is pretty great. Using daily affirmations can be the mental reset we need to feel more grounded and ready to tackle the tasks of the day ahead.

If you’re looking to get into or continue the practice, here are a few of our favorite affirmations to help you pause, take a breath, and feel your best during back-to-school season. Pick a few of these that stand out to you, say them out loud to yourself each morning, and see how positivity and personal encouragement can change your days and your relationships.

Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

1. My children’s successes and failures are not my own.

We love our kids, and we want to do everything we can to help them succeed. And yet, it’s not all up to us. In this era of intensive parenting, it’s easy to forget where our kids end and we begin. We tend to want to make their wins our wins and their challenges our challenges, but the most recent ‘A’ on their spelling test doesn’t belong to us, just as getting cut from the soccer team isn’t our letdown. We can support our kids through their accomplishments and challenges without using them as a litmus test for our success as a parent.

2. I am in control of how I respond to others.

When life takes a busy turn, it’s easier than ever to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Whether we’re late for school pick-up and traffic is backed up, or we forgot that permission slip again, times like this make it easy to not be our best. For our kids and for ourselves, it’s important for us to stay calm even in times of anxiety. A balanced nervous system is not something to be taken for granted. This affirmation will serve as a reminder that even though we can’t control, say, the speed of traffic, we are in control of how we handle our emotions. Allowing our kids to watch us practice emotional regulation is a great way to help them gain the skill as well.

3. I trust myself.

We all learned quickly when starting to raise kids (and even before) that there are going to be difficult choices to make. From simple things like suggesting your little one bring a raincoat to school today, to big things like giving them friendship advice, we’re making decisions all the time. In a world with so much outside noise—other parents, social media, society at large—it can be hard to differentiate between what we believe is best and what we think we should be doing. We can use this affirmation to tap into our intuition and remind ourselves that we’re capable of making decisions for ourselves and our kids.

4. I am strong and capable.

I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life where if someone had said these words to me, it would have had to power to bring me to tears. When we’re trying to perfectly juggle everything on our to-do list, it can quickly become overwhelming and leave us feeling discouraged. The good news is that we don’t need anyone else to remind us that we’re capable of doing difficult things—even though that can be nice, too! We can remind ourselves every day of the things we’ve already accomplished and remember there’s nothing too big for us to handle.

5. I deserve help.

Packing lunches. Scheduling a sitter. Checking homework. Washing sports uniforms. Coordinating carpool. The list quickly becomes unmanageable. And yet, asking for help sometimes seems like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, explaining to our partner what goes in the lunch box often takes longer than just making the lunch. On the flip side, however, if you don’t take the time to ask for help and explain what you need, you’ll always be the one making lunch.

Eve Rodsky addresses this topic in her book, Fair Play, which contains concrete suggestions for how to triage and rebalance the often invisible work that mothers do. Because not only do we need the help, we deserve it.

6. I’m doing enough.

As the old saying goes, perfect is the enemy of good. Yes, there will always be the mom who brings personalized Halloween cookies for the whole class or shows up to back-to-school night with a bullet-point list of questions organized by topic. Good for her. We all need to prioritize, though, and usually, something has to give.

It’s OK to feed your kids chicken nuggets three nights in a row or toss a random scarf on their heads on the way out the door for “Dress Like a Pirate Day.” Good enough is underrated. Good enough can preserve your sanity and ensure you have the energy for the parts of your life that don’t revolve around school projects or “Silly Sock Day.”

7. I am unique and creative.

When we become moms, it can be so easy to let it become our entire identity. While one of our biggest priorities these days is to raise our little ones to the best of our abilities, it’s important to remember what makes us individually unique. Though we may not always have the time to tap into our favorite hobbies or do all of the things that we loved before becoming moms, giving ourselves a little reminder that we are unique and special as individuals might be just what we need to hear.

8. I am loved.

Often times when we’re rushing out the door or onto the next event, we quickly toss out an ‘I love you’ to our partners and kids. And don’t get me wrong, anytime this sentiment is shared is a good thing. But when our minds are focusing on other tasks at hand, it can be tough for anyone to fully internalize what’s being said. Let’s use this phrase as an opportunity to feel those ‘I love you’ moments we share with those around us, and perhaps as a reminder to share even more intentional sentiments with those who mean the most to us.

9. My needs and wants are important.

It can be so easy to focus 100% on our kid’s or partner’s needs without allowing the space needed to care for ourselves—especially amidst those extra busy times like getting back into a school routine. But our needs and wants deserve to be prioritized as much as anyone else in the family.

10. I am allowed to have a bad day.

In a society as fast-paced as ours, it’s easy to feel like we’re never doing enough. When the discouragement gets really overwhelming, we can easily find ourselves in a bad day. When this happens, I like to remind myself that bad days happen for a reason. We need to know what a difficult day is like in order to appreciate the ones that are actually really good. This affirmation is also our cue to give ourselves some grace and remember that a bad day does not equal a bad life.

11. I deserve rest.

During the airplane safety demonstration, they always instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. The same goes for parenting. You are of no use to your family if you’re running on fumes. You can’t help your kids make good decisions, respond to them with patience and empathy, or model healthy self-care if you’re a sleep-deprived zombie on a regular basis.

You’re not obligated to be at every school function, orchestra concert, or soccer game. Maybe you and your partner divide and conquer. Maybe you skip something altogether. Either way, once in a while we all need to pause and refuel before jumping back into the marathon.

12. I am grateful.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed, I find it really difficult to appreciate the small things among all the hustle and bustle of a busy season. Every now and then, we need to be reminded of all of the blessings we have—but that’s not to say we should minimize our struggles, either. Rather, we can intentionally spend time being thankful for the small things and big things alike. Speaking this appreciation will make it easier and easier to internalize it and see the good in every day.

13. I can choose to be happy.

In that same realm is this affirmation that reminds us we alone are in control of our happiness. When we realize that happiness is a choice that is always in our control, we take the power away from outside factors. This is not to say that we will be happy 100% of the time—instead, we can use this as a cue to find the good in the bad, stressful, and mundane.

14. I am the best mom for my children.

Playing the comparison game can easily lead us down a dark rabbit hole. We start to see moms who can “do it all” (which, spoiler alert, no one can). Then we’re led to believe that everyone else is doing a better job than we are. That’s where the second-guessing starts rolling in. Am I doing enough? Why can’t motherhood be as effortless for me as it is for her? Would my kids be better off with a different mom? The answer to the last one is an absolute no. There’s no one out there who would do a better job at raising our kids than us. Every now and then, hearing a reminder like that can be the words of encouragement we need.

15. I will find joy and laughter in today.

When we get into ‘get it done’ mode, it can be tough to enjoy the process. We can give ourselves a nudge with this affirmation that there is joy everywhere. Whether it’s our kids telling a story over breakfast, or cracking a joke on the way to school, when we intentionally look for it, we can always find a reason to smile. Plus, we’ll never regret spending time laughing with our kiddos.

16. I am proud of what my body can do.

A hand to hold, a lap to snuggle in, arms to carry all the things—every mom’s body does incredible things every day. It’s important to take an occasional pause to remind ourselves that our body deserves our gratitude and respect for all the amazing things it can do.

17. I am a positive role model to my kids.

We have the opportunity to show their kids what a positive role model looks like. When we do our best, we encourage our kids to do their best. Each and every day, we have opportunities to give our kids someone to look up to. We can do so in the way we work, rest, and play.

18. I will talk to myself like I would a friend.

When we really think about it, the way we talk to our friends is often with much more compassion and kindness than we give ourselves. Imagine if we give ourselves the same kind of praise and encouragement we give to others. We would likely have a lot more motivation to tackle challenging tasks, and a better ability to show up as our best selves. Let’s take the time to remember to speak to ourselves with the same respect and adoration we give others.

19. Each day, I am learning.

Motherhood, and life in general, is a learning process. And how do we know when we’re growing? By taking the lessons life gave to us yesterday and bettering our tomorrow for ourselves and our kids. This also serves as a great reminder to not fixate on past mistakes but to learn from them.

20. I’m a good mom.

Chances are if you’re worrying about whether you’re a good mom, you already are. It’s easy to get caught up in criticizing our shortcomings instead of focusing on all the ways we love and care for our families—especially when everyone around us (i.e., everyone on social media) seems to be super-momming so effortlessly. And while we know in our brains that social media is curated to show the best of people, it’s sometimes still hard to shake the anxiety feeling that in comparison, we’re falling short. But the bar is only as high as we choose to set it, and our failures are only as important as the energy we choose to give them.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists. →

 

 

Article Written by Caitlin Weaver and Brett Nicole Hayden of The Every Mom

Learn how to cope with anxiety by working with a therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

Avoid or Redirect? Know the Difference for Better Coping with Anxiety

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We’ve all heard it before: compulsions equal bad. You have to face your fear to overcome it. Running away and avoiding your fear will only make it worse.

You may have also heard it is important to redirect your energies toward a life of personal value and meaning.

But, when is it avoidance, and when is it redirection?

Traditional Treatment for Anxiety Disorder

To understand the avoidance vs. redirection discussion, you first have to know the therapeutic framework.

Treatment for anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety spectrum disorders, including social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorders, and specific phobias, will usually take the form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention (ERP).

In a nutshell, CBT is concerned with your thoughts (cognitions) and your actions (behaviors). To start, CBT will have you look at your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself about the situation you are in and see if you can think about them more logically. If you can think about them differently then you can do something different about those situations and respond to your thoughts and the outside world in more reasonable and adaptive ways. This last is the behavioral part.

Exposure and Response Prevention fits into this behavioral part. ERP helps you to slowly and thoughtfully get closer to your fears (exposure), while intentionally resisting compulsive or unhelpful behaviors (response prevention).

Avoidance as an Unhelpful Behavior

Along with reassurance seeking, rumination, and rituals, avoidance is one of those compulsive and maladaptive coping skills that prevent people from effectively facing their fears and learning that they can handle anxiety and uncertainty. Simultaneously, people see that their worst fear is really unlikely to happen. When you avoid uncomfortable situations or thoughts, you also avoid the opportunity to learn from them and grow from your lived experiences.

It’s like physical exercise. When you avoid it, you don’t get stronger.

ERP would have you face your fears and learn to endure the momentary discomfort and ride the fluctuating wave of anxiety up to its peak until it comes down back to baseline. In this process, you see that anxiety did not kill you, that you were strong enough to endure the wonky experience and discover what actually happens (usually nothing, in the best way).

Avoidance is a ploy to not feel uncomfortable or not have an unwanted experience.

Suppression is avoidance’s aggressive twin. Suppression can include thoughts, feelings, mental images, or physical sensations. This is the intentional effort of stuffing a feeling down or shoving it out of your experience. It’s exhausting and ultimately does not work. For example, don’t think about a white elephant: How’s that going?

What Is Redirection?

Redirection is a deliberate effort to place your attention and energy on actions, thoughts, or interactions that are more meaningful and important to you at the moment.

In fact, I bet you already do this. Have you ever been in class and gotten distracted by a thought of the cute redhead, then try to refocus back on the teacher? Or ever been in a meeting and start dreaming of that vacation you’re going on, and then catch yourself, and try to get your head back in the meeting? That’s redirection.

They Are not the Same

Avoidance and redirection have similarities, but knowing their differences can be a turning point for you in treatment.

They both seemingly place less emphasis on a specific thought, but that’s where they stop their similarities.

Avoidance, along with its twin suppression, are a futile attempt to pretend as if the unwanted experience does not exist. You deceive yourself with the hope that just not thinking about the feeling, thought, or mental image will make it go away and that you’ll feel better.

To be fair, it may feel better for a moment, but remember that white elephant exercise? Efforts to avoid or suppress only amplify the thought, make it more important, and ensure that it sticks in the mind and body longer.

On the other hand, redirection acknowledges the presence of the thought and feeling and elevates the importance of another thought or action over the unwanted one. Redirection does not seek to destroy unwanted thoughts. Instead, it affirms the importance of something else and pursues it with gentle interest and commitment.

It’s like adopting a dog at the pound. You don’t have to have all the other dogs put down in order to adopt the dog you want. You just say, “Hey, I’ll take that one,” and let the other ones be adopted by other people, while they slowly drift from your memory.

We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual therapy and online therapy services for anxiety treatment.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Article By: Kevin Foss, LCSW

Happy interracial couple who sought premarital counseling by a licensed therapist

Assuming Positive Intentions In Your Relationship

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“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

“Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

“Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

“Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

What did that say about me?

Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

“I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

“Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

“I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

“Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

It wasn’t him; it was me.

All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

He always freely gave it.

He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they have done.

Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

“I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

It will take some time to train yourself from over thinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

Article written by: Betsy Talbot of Tiny Buddha Blog

We can help improve your relationship.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to improve your relationship.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Happy woman with great mental health

31 Ways to Beat The Blues

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A happiness tip-a-day keeps the blues away…

Happiness expert Andy Cope, author of The Little Book of Emotional Intelligence offers 31 brilliant tips to keep us thinking positively as 2023 begins…

  1. Mondays are bad and Fridays good. Really? The average life span is 4000 weeks and a seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. Flip your thinking. Friday is, in fact, another week closer to death, while Monday is an opportunity to make a dent in the universe. Mondays…. bring ‘em on!
  1. Upgrade your knickers so every bit of underwear oozes confidence. Stop saving your special pants for a special occasion and wake up to the fact that life is the ultimate special occasion.
  1. Be a hugger. The average hug lasts 2.1 seconds but for the love to transfer a hug needs to last 7 seconds or longer (but warned, counting out loud spoils the effect).
  1. Be a lover not a hater. It’s so easy to be negative, and join in the barrage of hate on social media. Go with Michelle Obama; ‘when they go low, you go high’
  1. Do an act of kindness for someone else. This can be as simple as letting someone out in the traffic or buying flowers for the bus driver.
  1. If you have small children practice what Gretchen Rubin calls ‘gazing lovingly’. This means downing tools at the end of the evening and standing at your children’s bedroom door, watching them sleep (the modern world dictates that you only ever do this with your own kids and there is an age limit of 10. After that, the general rule is that you NEVER go in your kids’ bedrooms, just in case!)
  1. Practice the 10/5 principle; smile at everyone who comes within 10 feet of you and make eye contact & say ‘hi’ to everyone within 5 feet.
  1. Say nice things about people behind their back. This is a double-whammy because it gets back to them plus people think you’re a lovely person (which, of course, you are).
  1. Write a list of 10 things you really appreciate but take for granted. ‘Health’ and ‘relationships’ will almost certainly be on there. Stop taking them for granted!
  1. Every morning, appreciate that you don’t have toothache and that your kidneys are working. Being able to get out of bed is the best thing ever (linked to point 9).
  1. Write a list of the top 10 happiest moments of your life and you’ll realize that most of the things on the list are ‘experiences’ rather than ‘products’. Set a goal to have more experiences.
  1. Think of someone who has really helped you (given you time or supported you). Write them a letter, from the heart, that says how wonderful they are and what they mean to you. Read it to them.
  1. Instead of asking your partner/kids ‘how was your day?’ change the words and ask (with enthusiasm), ‘what was the highlight of your day?’ Then listen with genuine enthusiasm.
  1. Walk tall and put a smile on your face (not an inane grin, you will scare people!) Your brain will immediately think you are happy and you’ll feel a whole lot better.
  1. Change your aim. Stop setting your sights on ‘getting through the week’ or ‘surviving until my next holiday’. Raise your game. Set your aim to ‘enjoy the week’ or ‘to inspire people.’
  1. Write down your top 5 personal strengths. Be aware of them and start seeing opportunities to play to them more often.
  1. Reduce your moaning and always remind yourself it’s a 1st world problem.
  1. Watch out for the 90/10 principle. This states that 10% of your happiness depends on things that happen to you while a whopping 90% depends on how you react to these events. Make a conscious choice to be positive.
  1. When setbacks occur, ask yourself, where is this issue on a scale of 1 – 10 (where 10 is death). If it is death, you are allowed to feel down. Anything else, get over it.
  1. Most people have an internal voice that is very critical. Challenge it. When your inner voice is telling you you’re an idiot, firmly disagree. Find a positive inner voice (note, this conflict is best done in silence in your head. And if you have lots of inner voices, you need to see your GP).
  1. Spend less time on electronic friends and more time with real flesh and blood ones.
  1. Praise your children for effort rather than ability. For example, if they get a good grade in Math, don’t say ‘Genius, you are the next Einstein.’ Do say, ‘Brilliant! That shows what you can achieve with hard work.’
  1. Practice the 4-minute rule; that is, be your best self for the first 4 minutes of arriving at work, being in a meeting, getting home, etc. Your brilliance is infectious.
  1. Lose the word ‘try’. Instead of setting a resolution of ‘I’m going to try and lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to try and get a bit fitter,’ go with ‘I’m going to lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to get fitter.’ Yoda was spot on when he said, ‘Do or do not, there is no ‘try.’
  1. Appreciate that your happiness is bigger than you. It has a ripple effect and infects people 3 degrees removed from you.
  1. Read a bedtime story to your kids like it was the most exciting book in the world (note, it is doubly important for sons to see their dads reading books).
  1. Reframe situations. For example, a leaking gutter means you have a house; paying tax means you have some income; your teenage son spending hours on his X-Box means he’s not wandering the streets, etc. However, don’t overdo reframing otherwise you become Pollyanna; ‘Whoopee, grandma’s dead, what a fabulous opportunity for a funeral and some lovely sandwiches.’
  1. Rather than a New Year’s resolution, set yourself a HUGG (huge unbelievably great goal); this is something that is massive and that inspires you (to write your novel, to run a marathon, to be the best Mom in the world, etc).
  1. Ask yourself, if there was a version of you sitting on a cloud, watching you go about your tasks today, what advice would the ‘cloud you’ give the ‘earthly you’? How would they say you should walk, talk, think and behave? Take that advice.
  1. Be genuinely interested in other people (ask loads of questions about them). In a bizarre twist of quantum psychology, people will find you insanely interesting.
  1. Make sure that you use more positive than negative language. The ratio needs to be about 5 positives for every negative, so catch people doing things well and tell them.

 

 

Want to learn more about finding happiness? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.

Christmas tree

How To Cope With Grief During the Holidays

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The swell of grief around the holidays is a common reason clients enter our therapy office this time of year. People often seek help for the immense sorrow that starts surfacing right around Thanksgiving.

When you’re grieving, there may be times when you want to participate in the excitement and joy but simultaneously don’t want to participate at all or feel guilty for celebrating.

Grief is complicated and unique for everyone. While accepting loss becomes easier over time, it is often something we carry with us forever.

If you’re wondering how to get through the holidays this year without your loved one, these strategies can help:

1. Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

Time doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain—rather than constantly trying to escape it—can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

You certainly don’t have to force yourself to face every holiday event or celebratory tradition, however. If attending a tree lighting ceremony or participating in the office gift swap is likely to bring about too many painful memories this year, be willing to say no. Other people may try to convince you to participate, but you certainly don’t have to try to please everyone.

3. Focus on What You Can Control

There are a lot of things you can’t control about the holidays. You may be subjected to Christmas music in the waiting room of your doctor’s office or you may overhear your co-workers constantly talking about their holiday plans. While you can’t prevent those things from happening, there are some things you can control.

Think about what you can do to lessen the heartache when you can. It’s OK to limit your decorations or shop for presents online only. Pick a few things you can do to assert some control over the holiday cheer, and keep in mind that life goes on for other people and it’s OK that they’re happy to celebrate this year.

4. Plan Ahead

Often, the anticipation over how hard something is going to be is worse than the actual event. So while Thanksgiving dinner may only last two hours, you could easily spend three weeks dreading it. Create a simple plan for how you’ll get through the holidays to avoid extending your anguish.

Often, it’s helpful to create an escape plan. Drive yourself to holiday functions or ride with a trusted friend who will take you home whenever you want. Just knowing you can easily leave at any time can help you enjoy the activity much more than you would if you felt stuck.

5. Allow Yourself to Feel a Range of Emotions

The holidays can bring about a wide range of emotions. You might feel joy, guilt, and sadness all within a few minutes. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judging yourself or thinking you should be happy or you shouldn’t be laughing.

6. Find a Way to Honor Your Memories

Create a special way to memorialize the person you’ve lost. Whether you decide to light a candle every night or eat your loved one’s favorite food, honoring your loved one can serve as a tangible reminder that although your loved one is gone, the love never dies.

7. Create New Traditions

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions this year too. It’s OK to get creative and do something a little out of the ordinary. You can also alter old traditions and make them fit better with the new phase in your life.

8. Do Something Kind for Others

Even when you’re in the midst of grief, you still have something to offer the world. Performing a few acts of kindness can be really good for a grieving person’s spirit. Donate gifts to families in need, serve meals at a soup kitchen, or volunteer to help people at a nursing home make holiday crafts if you’re up for it.

9. Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re struggling with the holidays. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you also may want to reach out for more support. Look for support groups or contact a professional counselor to help you deal with your grief in a healthy manner.

 

Want to learn about coping with grief during the holidays?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.