Tag Archive for: Anxiety

How To Cope With Grief During the Holidays

The swell of grief around the holidays is a common reason clients enter our therapy office this time of year. People often seek help for the immense sorrow that starts surfacing right around Thanksgiving.

When you’re grieving, there may be times when you want to participate in the excitement and joy but simultaneously don’t want to participate at all or feel guilty for celebrating.

Grief is complicated and unique for everyone. While accepting loss becomes easier over time, it is often something we carry with us forever.

If you’re wondering how to get through the holidays this year without your loved one, these strategies can help:

1. Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

Time doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain—rather than constantly trying to escape it—can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

You certainly don’t have to force yourself to face every holiday event or celebratory tradition, however. If attending a tree lighting ceremony or participating in the office gift swap is likely to bring about too many painful memories this year, be willing to say no. Other people may try to convince you to participate, but you certainly don’t have to try to please everyone.

3. Focus on What You Can Control

There are a lot of things you can’t control about the holidays. You may be subjected to Christmas music in the waiting room of your doctor’s office or you may overhear your co-workers constantly talking about their holiday plans. While you can’t prevent those things from happening, there are some things you can control.

Think about what you can do to lessen the heartache when you can. It’s OK to limit your decorations or shop for presents online only. Pick a few things you can do to assert some control over the holiday cheer, and keep in mind that life goes on for other people and it’s OK that they’re happy to celebrate this year.

4. Plan Ahead

Often, the anticipation over how hard something is going to be is worse than the actual event. So while Thanksgiving dinner may only last two hours, you could easily spend three weeks dreading it. Create a simple plan for how you’ll get through the holidays to avoid extending your anguish.

Often, it’s helpful to create an escape plan. Drive yourself to holiday functions or ride with a trusted friend who will take you home whenever you want. Just knowing you can easily leave at any time can help you enjoy the activity much more than you would if you felt stuck.

5. Allow Yourself to Feel a Range of Emotions

The holidays can bring about a wide range of emotions. You might feel joy, guilt, and sadness all within a few minutes. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judging yourself or thinking you should be happy or you shouldn’t be laughing.

6. Find a Way to Honor Your Memories

Create a special way to memorialize the person you’ve lost. Whether you decide to light a candle every night or eat your loved one’s favorite food, honoring your loved one can serve as a tangible reminder that although your loved one is gone, the love never dies.

7. Create New Traditions

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions this year too. It’s OK to get creative and do something a little out of the ordinary. You can also alter old traditions and make them fit better with the new phase in your life.

8. Do Something Kind for Others

Even when you’re in the midst of grief, you still have something to offer the world. Performing a few acts of kindness can be really good for a grieving person’s spirit. Donate gifts to families in need, serve meals at a soup kitchen, or volunteer to help people at a nursing home make holiday crafts if you’re up for it.

9. Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re struggling with the holidays. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you also may want to reach out for more support. Look for support groups or contact a professional counselor to help you deal with your grief in a healthy manner.

 

Want to learn about coping with grief during the holidays?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.

New Service…Health Coaching in Milwaukee

✨ Exciting news…We’re now offering HEALTH COACHING! ✨⁠
⁠⁠
Are you looking to deepen your connection with your body, resolve health concerns, and cultivate a healthier you? ⁠

Health coaching is designed to support you in regaining balance and vitality by assessing the 6 main dimensions of wellness: physical, mental, emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual.⁠

This holisitic approach to wellness allows you to get to the root of what is holding you back from feeling your best.⁠

Health Coaching Is For You If:⁠

?You want to establish HEALTHY EATING and EXERCISE habits that are sustainable.⁠

?You struggle with BODY IMAGE issues and want to mend the relationship with your body.⁠

?You have a FITNESS GOAL that you would like to achieve. ⁠

?You want to learn SELF-CARE STRATEGIES to cope with stress and anxiety. ⁠

?You are going through a MAJOR LIFE TRANSITION and want to tools to embrace the change. ⁠

?You are living with a CHRONIC HEALTH CONDITION and do not want this to define you.⁠

Check out our health coaching page for more information or message us to schedule a FREE initial consult with our Health Coach, info@hillarycounseling.com. ?⁠

5 Ways Almost Everyone Misunderstands Emotions

Our emotions provide valuable data, but there are some ways virtually everyone misinterprets their emotions. This can lead to mismanaging your emotions or the situation they occur in. When you become aware of these, you can adjust so that you’re calmer and more effective.

Here are five common mistakes:

1. We think our emotions relate to the current situation when they relate to the past. Humans are learning machines. We don’t react to new situations as if we’ve never experienced the world before. We react based on all our prior learning experiences.

When we often experience an instinctive emotional reaction, that reaction isn’t just about the current circumstance we’re facing. We react to the ways right now reminds us of our past experiences.

When we feel big emotions, they can represent our body trying to protect us from events that already concluded long ago. For example, when you feel angry or slighted, your body might be trying to protect you from a time you weren’t respected or understood in the past, even if you are being respected and understood now.

Sometimes we feel shame in new situations due to memories of how we acted unskillfully in the past, even if we act skillfully now.

2. We assume other people’s emotions relate to us and the current situation. This is a similar point. When someone reacts emotionally, we tend to assume they’re reacting to our behavior and the current circumstance. But that person is also reacting to everything else. For example, in the work context, a reaction you get from a fellow human might be influenced by everything from their childhood experiences to the difficult interaction they had with their last customer to the email their boss sent yesterday about their organization’s current priorities to the micro-aggression they experienced on the subway that morning. All those triggers mix to determine the other person’s reaction to you.

This issue comes up a lot at work and also in romantic relationships. In couples, people often react in ways that relate to protecting themselves from past pain, whether from childhood or prior relationships.

3. We think emotions are a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions. Our culture tends to be comfort-obsessed. For example, if we feel hot, we expect to be able to crank our AC to remedy that. If the mattress we buy isn’t perfect, we return it. This comfort obsession also involves our emotions. We automatically see difficult emotions as a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions.

The problem is this: Much of what we instinctively do to reduce our distress makes our difficult emotions bigger. Even when we can “successfully” quell our big feelings, the cost is that those emotions, and the types of situations that trigger them, loom larger and larger in our lives. We end up devoting a lot of energy to avoiding certain emotions, which can get in the way of having the energy to devote to our other values. (If you’re anxiety-prone and managing anxiety is taking up too much of your life, check out these solutions.)

4. We usually fixate on only one emotion (and underplay what else we’re feeling and doing). Many of us have one dominant emotion (read more here). For example, some people rarely notice feeling angry but constantly notice feeling anxious, or the reverse.

Try using the word “and” more when you talk or think about your emotions. For instance, we rarely acknowledge when happy emotions occur alongside negative ones. For example, I’m pregnant, and I feel nervous about labor, and I feel excited about my baby.

It can also be useful to notice when multiple difficult emotions occur together, like “I feel anxious, and I feel angry.” Acknowledging multiple emotions can help you see a broader range of reactions you could choose from. Feeling anxious may not propel you to stand up to injustice, but noticing your anger might.

Third, you can acknowledge your emotions and behavior together, such as, “I feel anxious, and I’m doing competent, skillful behavior.”

5. We see emotions as either reasonable or unreasonable, justified or unjustified. People can suffer when they perceive they’re experiencing an emotion the situation doesn’t justify. For example, if you feel fearful or angry in a situation that doesn’t make everyone feel that way, you might think, “I shouldn’t be so scared of this.” Or, “I shouldn’t be so bothered by this. What’s wrong with me?” When this happens, you might conclude you’re not a mentally strong or skillful person, which doesn’t help you confidently choose a path forward.

It’s usually healthier to accept whatever you or someone else feels without judging whether it’s justified. This can help you become more curious about your own and others’ emotional worlds and less judgmental at the same time.

Which of these mistakes in interpreting emotions do you make? How might correcting these mistakes help you feel calmer and more skillful in managing your life and relationships? How could changing your approach to your emotions help you walk your values? (More on why this is an optimal response to stress here.)

Article by: Alice Boyes, Ph.D of Psychology Today

Looking for more help with your emotions? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Hillary Counseling Is Moving to Milwaukee’s Third Ward

We’re EXCITED to announce that our business has outgrown our current office space. WE’RE MOVING our office to a NEW LOCATION in Milwaukee’s THIRD WARD! ⁠

We’ve been working hard to renovate a larger, multi-office loft that supports our mission, gives us the opportunity to partner with local businesses, and most importantly…serve YOU, our beloved clients.

Our new office is located in the Landmark Building, 316 N. Milwaukee Street, Suite 401. Guess what else is located here…Donut Monster, Fresh Fin and Brute Pizza. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone!

We will begin seeing clients at our new location on Tuesday, July 5, 2022.

Don’t worry, we know a lot of you have grown to LOVE the convenience and comfort of virtual therapy, so we will still continue to offer VIRTUAL SESSIONS with the option to meet IN-PERSON, as well.

For questions or details, message us at info@hillarycounseling.com. We’re excited to share our new space with you! Schedule a FREE 15-minute consult and check us out.

7 Tips For Building A Better Body Image As An Adult

When you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a window, or see yourself in a new picture that a friend posts on social media, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

Are they generally positive (I look so happy!), or more negative (Well, at least everyone else looks good)?

If they are positive, that’s great! But if they’re not, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle to feel happy with the way that we look, especially when it comes to our bodies.

While getting older may bring with it a certain sense of self-acceptance and the ability to reject the unrealistic beauty ideals that we see around us, aging also brings with it a new set of challenges to our self-esteem. You know — the messages and products that encourage us to “minimize those wrinkles” and “cover up those grays.”

“You can be reading a magazine and on one page there’s an article about how to love yourself the way you are, and then you flip the page and there’s an ad for a diet plan or an anti-aging cream.

All of those messages can be discouraging. But making some tweaks to your thought patterns can help you get back on the road to a positive body image. Start with these ideas.

Show some appreciation

A good place to start is to refocus your self-talk. Rather than nitpicking over the appearance of your body, try recognizing and appreciating the amazing things that it does for you every day. Appreciate that your strong arms allow you to carry your child and the diaper bag and the groceries up the stairs in one trip. Or that your skilled hands prepared an amazing dinner.

Record the positives

Here’s a little homework assignment: Write down five things you love about your personality. Easy, right? You’re a great listener and incredibly giving when it comes to helping others.

Now list five things you love about your body. “For most people, it’s easier to do the first, but it’s equally important to do the second.” Putting your feelings into written words (the old fashioned way!) helps you process your thoughts and commit things to memory.

Create little reminders

Write positive affirmations, goals or words of gratitude on sticky notes or note cards and putting them in places where you’ll see them throughout the day – the bathroom mirror, your wallet or by your computer at work. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, skills and goals.

Commit to doing things that make you feel good

Life is about so much more than how we look. Yet, how we feel about our bodies can dictate our mood and our behaviors. Have you ever canceled plans when you’re feeling bad about yourself? Resist the urge. Spending time with friends who aren’t focused on body image may actually help quiet your own body dissatisfaction.

Studies also show that exercise, yoga and helping others are great self-esteem boosters.

Occupy your mind

“We have another exercise that asks people to live their life as if they had 12 months, 5 days, 1 hour or 30 seconds to live,” Dr. Peterson says.

“In these circumstances, you would most likely focus on people, places and things that you love and that make you feel good – not on how your body looks.”

Don’t fear the mirror

If you have unhappy thoughts about how you look, you might find yourself dodging anything that shows your reflection. But, “avoidance breeds avoidance.” Ignoring those unhappy feelings won’t make them go away. She suggests noticing those negative thoughts that come to mind when you see yourself in the mirror, and applying the above tactics to turn them around.

Shut down the comparison game

Comparing your own body to others’ may be the quickest way to send your self-esteem plummeting. Instead, objectively admire the good qualities you notice in other people, and make a point to compliment them – it will make both of you feel good.

Feeling good at all sizes

It’s beneficial to love your and appreciate body no matter your shape or size.

In fact, if you’re overweight and taking steps toward a healthier lifestyle, research suggests that’s even more of a reason to work on building a healthy body image.

In one study of girls who were overweight, those with the highest levels of body satisfaction gained less weight after 10 years than those who were least satisfied with their bodies. Another study found that obese women who improved their body image were also better able to self-regulate their eating.

There’s no wrong time to work on feeling more comfortable in your own skin.

Need more help?

If you ever feel that your negative body image is affecting you in a distressing or disruptive way, reach out to schedule a FREE INITIAL CONSULT with one of our body image experts, info@hillarycounseling.com!

Megan Anderson’s Finding Balance In Caring For Yourself And The Planet

It always starts with a 30-minute phone call. I introduce myself to the stranger on the other end and welcome them to the consultation process, quickly sketching out what to expect from such a brief interaction. Then, I offer up a gentle invitation. I ask for a glimpse of what brings them to therapy and wonder, “What was the moment you thought you might benefit from the therapy space?”

As a millennial therapist, I can only imagine how people may have responded to this initial bid for connection a decade ago. Lately, I increasingly hear strangers practically rattle off their experiences with anxiety and depression as a result of what is happening in the world around them. This happens before we even have our first official session penciled in the calendar.

Of course, these disclosures are understandable. The world has undoubtedly given us a handful of reasons to feel distressed in the last several years. Ever-growing fears regarding climate change are certainly on that list. The American Psychological Association identified this issue as one of many emerging therapy trends in 2020.

What I see unfolding in the therapy space mirrors recent statistics, especially as it relates to how climate change is explicitly affecting our mental health. Data from Climate Change in the American Mind (2021) indicates that most American adults endorse some degree of concern over global warming. 70% of the study’s participants report feeling at least “somewhat worried, and of those participants, 35% state they are “very worried.”

Beyond a sense of worry, people exhibit grief, despair, hopelessness, instability, traumatic responses, substance use, and suicidality in response to climate change and disasters. A global research study published in 2021 by The Lancet revealed that over 50% of young people surveyed also felt a sense of sadness, anger, powerlessness, helplessness, and guilt. Most participants remarked that their feelings about climate change negatively affected their daily life and overall functioning.

The climate crisis and its effects on our well-being are becoming a universal experience. We are far from alone in what we are facing. Neighbors, teachers, family members, and even therapists are walking through this messy landscape together. As we recognize this more, there are a few tangible strategies we can turn to lessen our distress and instill hope inside and outside the therapy space.

Lean into rudimentary mindfulness and self-compassion.
Take in what is happening in manageable doses. When your thoughts are too drastic, or the emotions that arise are too debilitating, repeatedly ground yourself in the present. How is climate change — or your thoughts about it — impacting you in this very moment? You may also gently invite yourself to turn away from these concerns for a little while. Remind yourself you can always come back to them later.

Capitalize on your emotions.
Deeply acknowledging the reality of climate change is overwhelming. If you notice energy stemming from your reactions to climate change, seize the opportunity. Our reactions have the potential to motivate us towards action, and creativity is a healthy response to both existential and climate crises. Find concrete ways to make different choices or enact change within your grasp. Consider looking at your daily activities and hobbies for ideas. There is no need to overdo it here; aim to be a “good enough” global citizen.

Create a sense of community.
Vow to have more conversations with familiar people about your hopes and fears related to climate change. If you find yourself in good company, try hosting a gathering of people in your neighborhood, identify the impact of climate change on your community, and brainstorm ways to directly make a difference where you live. These connections can foster catharsis, inspiration, and a sense of belonging, benefitting our mental health.

Whichever way you choose to anchor yourself in this world crisis, we must find balance in caring both for ourselves and the environment around us as we navigate something so significant.

Looking for more guidance? Contact us to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our therapists, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Article by: Megan Anderson, LPC (published in the Daily Herald)

How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.

While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.

“No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”

What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.

My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.

I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.

In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.

The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.

Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.

Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.

How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?

Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.

Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.

Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.

Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.

We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.

We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.

Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.

Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.

Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.

Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).

Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.

I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.

I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.

Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.

Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.

Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.

Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.

We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.

Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.

Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.

It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.

I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.

The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.

We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.

I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.

I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.

It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.

It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.

It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.

As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.

Article by: Carol James of Tiny Buddha

Does Emotional Avoidance Fuel Your Eating Disorder?

“It seems like I’m actually experiencing my feelings, now that I’m no longer bingeing and purging my emotions,” my client in recovery from bulimia shared.

Eating disorders are believed to be caused by a combination of factors including, genetic, temperamental, and environmental influences.

However, one thing that almost all of my clients with eating disorders have in common is difficulty in expressing, processing, and coping with their emotions.

Emotional Avoidance and Eating Disorders

Emotional avoidance, is described as actions that are intended to prevent an emotional response from occurring, such as fear, anger or sadness.

People struggling with eating disorders often turn to their eating disorder behaviors in an unconscious effort to try to help themselves to “feel better” and to cope with difficult emotions or life circumstances.

For instance, for many people struggling with anorexia, their response when it comes to coping with feelings of anxiety, sadness, or loneliness, is to restrict their food. This may give them a false sense of “control” and specialness. For individuals with bulimia, bingeing and purging provides them a momentary feeling of comfort, “control,” or relief. For people struggling with binge eating, eating often feels like “an escape,” comforting, calming, or a way to numb out.

The reality is that eating disorder behaviors often provide short-term relief or satisfaction, and long-term feelings of increased depression, loneliness, and misery.

Let Yourself Feel

Eating disorder treatment involves a variety of tools and strategies for helping clients to reclaim their lives. However, one important element is helping them to learn how to identify, process, and cope with their emotions in ways that align with their life values.

Many of my clients struggle with being able to sit with themselves and their emotions. Often eating disorder behaviors are used as a way to try to regulate or distract from intense emotions.

I often say to clients that trying to suppress our emotions, is kind of like trying to hold a beach ball under water. It takes a lot of effort and eventually the beach ball will fly up above the water with force.

As a culture, we are often not taught to express our emotions. However, emotions serve important functions in our lives, as they are signals of things that we need to pay attention to.

There is a quote that I love from Norah Wynne, which says “Feelings will not kill you. No one has ever died from experiencing an emotion, but people have died trying to stuff them down.”

It’s important to share with clients that their eating disorder behaviors are often coping strategies that they are using to try to regulate their emotions. These behaviors may have helped them to get through some difficult and traumatic times, however they are also no longer serving them.

With treatment and support, people with eating disorders can learn how to heal their relationships with themselves, food, and their bodies.

They can also learn how to express and process their emotions, without the constant strain of trying to suppress or run from their feelings. Part of living a meaningful life is being able to experience all of one’s emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.

One of the great privileges of doing this work is being able to see the light return into someone’s eyes, for them to be exploring their true passions and interests, for their brain space to be no longer ruled with thoughts about food and their body. Full recovery and living according to your true values, is completely possible.

An assignment to put this into practice:

What emotions (if any) are you trying to push down, avoid, or distract from?
What behaviors are you using to try not to experience this emotion?
How is doing so serving you, and how is it not serving you?
What would be on healthy way that you could process the emotions that you are experiencing, i.e. writing, an alterbook, talking to a friend, drawing, talking to a therapist?

Article By: Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C,Founder of The Eating Disorder Center

How To Respond To Diet Talk

When we open our eyes to diet culture, we may start noticing it embedded into many different nuances of life – whether in advertising, media or even talk amongst peers.

Since you are reading this, you may probably be aware of why diets don’t work. but how do we approach and respond to diet talk at home, in the office or out with friends? Read on for our top tips to respond to diet talk, giving examples of some typical phrases you may hear and how you can challenge or approach these.

You don’t have to use these phrases to respond to people if you don’t want to, but they may be a positive way to encourage more appreciative and valuable discussions about food in the environment you’re in. Alternatively, they can act as good internal reminders to avoid falling into the many (sometimes well-disguised) traps of diet culture.

SCENARIO ONE:
Them:

‘I’m being naughty and having a cookie! I will regret this later…’

Your response:

‘A cookie can be a great source of carbohydrates, B vitamins, and energy. It makes up part of a nourishing, satisfying diet. Sounds pretty good!’

Remember, every food has its value, place, and purpose in your diet. When you start to eat intuitively, you will realise your body is excellent at telling you what it needs. Low on energy and need a boost? Maybe a cookie is an ideal snack for it!

SCENARIO TWO:
Them:

‘Junk food is so bad for you!’

Your response:

‘Not all food is equally nutrient-dense, but all foods provide nutrition and additionally may bring emotional comfort and satisfaction. Therefore, I find it more helpful and refreshing to begin to view all foods as neutral rather than labelling them as good and bad, or healthy and unhealthy.’

This answer helps to acknowledge that whilst all food may not be packed with essential nutrients, they still serve a purpose in being eaten and enjoyed. Therefore, putting certain ingredients or snacks on pedestals is not conducive to a healthy relationship with food.

SCENARIO THREE:
Them:

‘Carbs are evil! I’m not eating them anymore!’

Your response:

‘Cutting out a food group can lead to increased anxiety and guilt around food, and possibly increased bingeing too! In fact, carbohydrates are a great source of energy and feel extremely comforting for my body! Meals wouldn’t feel the same without them. What carb foods do you enjoy most?’

Food comments can be challenging to deal with, especially when directed at you. Again, helping to reinforce that no food is necessarily ‘evil’ or even ‘pure’ can be relieving for others to hear. Inviting someone to enjoy or discuss foods they may crave can feel freeing and lets them know that they aren’t alone in enjoying comforting or fun foods from time to time.

SCENARIO FOUR
Them:

‘I can’t have a day off or a cheat day. I’ll lose ALL of my progress.’

Your response:

‘We are only human, and days off are perfectly ok. We wouldn’t drive a car with no fuel, or be frustrated at a battery for running out of charge, so why would we expect our bodies to function differently? Your body is capable of achieving so many amazing things and days and time off are a part of the process! Why don’t we have a “do nothing” day this week?’

We hear this one all of the time – and it is often linked to our fitness, activity, and career, besides from food. Remember, every day is different, life is imperfect, and you are absolutely worthy of days off.

Learn about moving more mindfully and enjoying what activity you do, rather than something that might feel forced. Time off will certainly enable you to reflect and function better in the long term, so listen to your body and take what you need.

SCENARIO FIVE:
Them:

‘Skinny people look and feel so much healthier.’

Your response:

‘The evidence actually shows the opposite, and that fat can be protective of cardiovascular diseases. Health is not heavily determined by weight, and people can experience disordered eating and a negative body image at any size.’

Remember that when it comes to overall health, many factors besides weight play a much more significant role. This is including and is not limited to: mental wellbeing, stress levels, mindfulness, our work, social and living environments, income and job, financial status, gender, race, education level, and so on.

We also can remind ourselves that whilst thin privilege does exist, people in smaller bodies are not ‘immune’ to insecurities and self-doubt.

We wanted to let you know that we believe you are seriously impressive for opening your eyes to diet culture and challenging the deep-rooted beliefs of our society. Keep up all of the amazing work and rule-unpacking you are doing!

If you found this article helpful, and would like more “diet recovery” tips, feel reach out to schedule a COMPLIMENTARY 30-minute consultation with one of our Eating Disorder Experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Article By: Priya Chotai,RD at Embody Health London

5 Ways Perfectionism and Depression Feed Off Each Other

Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait characterized by efforts toward and desires for flawlessness. Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves, others, or both. Although perfectionism can boost performance in some cases, it often undermines the achievement of goals when people succumb to highly critical attitudes.

Understanding Different Types of Perfectionism
In a recent study entitled “Is Perfectionism a Vulnerability Factor for Depressive Symptoms, a Complication of Depressive Symptoms, or Both?” (2021), Smith and colleagues conducted a meta-analysis of a multitude of studies on perfectionistic concerns and perfectionistic strivings to determine in what way perfectionism and depression feed off of each other. Perfectionistic concerns center on the belief that perfection is required of oneself, shading into obsession.

Those with high perfection concerns overreact to errors, often second-guess their actions, experience discrepancy between their actual self and their ideal self, and fear disapproval from others. On the other hand, perfectionistic striving is associated with self-oriented perfectionism. This person typically holds lofty goals and has internalized expectations of success and productivity; this may be associated with higher achievement.

Unpacking the Links Between Depression and Perfectionism
Although there have been previous studies investigating links between perfectionism and depressive symptoms, it’s unclear exactly in what ways they connect.

A meta-review was conducted in order to reveal how these two factors are linked. Is perfectionism a vulnerability for depressive symptoms? A complication? Both? Many of the studies that have been done on perfectionism and depressive symptoms have assumed the way in which the two are linked instead of testing how they are linked.

Vulnerability for depressive symptoms means that perfectionism could increase the risk of clinical depression, whereas perfectionism as a complication of depressive symptoms means that perfectionism may overlap with and be amplified by depression symptoms. Awareness of the effects that perfectionism and depressive symptoms have on each other, which can lead to a vicious cycle, is of benefit for better understanding and coping with both depression and perfectionism.

The study found key relationships between various aspects of perfectionism, and depression, including:

1. Perfectionistic concerns can lead to increased depressive symptoms over time.

Perfectionist concerns conferred vulnerability for increased depressive symptoms over time. Perfectionist concerns lead people to think, feel, and behave in ways conducive to depressive symptoms. Perfectionistic concerns—including being overly critical towards the self or overreacting to mistakes—create the opportunity for depressive symptoms to creep in and take over.

2. People higher in perfectionistic concerns perceive and encounter more negative social interactions.

People with elevated perfectionist concerns perceive and encounter more negative social interactions, which often leads to social disconnection and, in turn, depressive symptoms. They also are at risk for depressive symptoms due to a propensity to generate—and respond poorly to—stress. Overall, expecting nothing less than perfection from yourself can set you up for failure; this translates to how stress is handled and can negatively infect interactions with others.

3. People high in perfectionistic concerns may see themselves as having less emotional control.

For many people with high perfectionistic concerns, experiencing depressive symptoms itself may be seen as a failure of emotional control. This translates into additional pressures to meet expectations and heightened concerns about failures and making mistakes. Depression can easily influence the person and their emotions, translating into a loss of control over the self which goes against the notion of being perfect.

4. Unrealistic goals can lead to a higher frequency of perceived failures.

Failure doesn’t seem like an option to many perfectionists—and if it does happen, it can alter the perfectionist’s view of themself. Unrealistic goals that people high in perfectionistic striving strive towards, such as needing to be the best at everything, can lead to a higher frequency of perceived failures and a lower frequency of perceived successes.

5. People with self-oriented perfectionism are more vulnerable to depressive symptoms.

The study found that self-oriented perfectionism was associated with an increased vulnerability for depressive symptoms. On the other hand, perfectionism did not appear to be a complication of depression. In other words, those who fit the “perfectionistic striving” definition of perfectionism may be vulnerable to depressive symptoms, but the reverse did not appear to be true: that is, it’s unlikely to develop perfectionistic striving as a result of depression.

How to Break the Cycle of Perfectionism and Depression
Smith et al (2021) found that perfectionism and depression often constitute a destructive vicious cycle. Perfectionistic concerns leave us both vulnerable to depression and are driven by depression.

As with any research, there are limitations. There is a lack of research on the role perfectionism takes in diagnosed depressive disorders. This study used self-report measures that could be inaccurate or distorted; this is especially true when studying perfectionistic people. Prospective studies with different treatment arms, looking at interventions and outcomes rather than looking back at self-report measures, are likely required to understand more fully what might bring relief.

People with perfectionistic concerns become locked into a cruel loop in which obsession drives depression and especially low self-esteem and helplessness, which in turn intensifies maladaptive perfectionism coping strategies. Learning strategies to reduce self-criticism and ease unrealistic expectations, including psychotherapy and meditation-based approaches including self-compassion practice, can help to interrupt maladaptive thought patterns and shift toward a kinder, gentler attitude toward oneself and others.

Treating depression, likewise, can ease perfectionism by removing many of the drivers of perfectionistic concern. Generally shifting one’s mindset over time, with broad attitudes and values as well as changing day-to-day habits, can change the world and the way we live in it.

Want more help with your perfectionism? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation.Let us help you “Live A Life You Love.”

Article By: Emma Newman of Pscyhology Today