Tag Archive for: Coping Skills

4 Types of Burnout

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Burnout, an occupational health concern, is described as exhaustion related mostly to work, although it applies to other domains too. Burnout carries emotional exhaustion (e.g., emotional drain/depletion), physical exhaustion (e.g., taking more time in the morning to get ready for work), and cognitive exhaustion (e.g., inability to concentrate on tasks that were previously easy to complete).

The symptoms vary among individuals, but a clear indicator of burnout is a progressive distance or mental detachment from work responsibilities. Although burnout is not recognized as a formal medical condition, it is a concern that can affect all areas of life and have a substantial impact on the psycho-social functioning of the individual.

There is emerging evidence regarding the subtypes of burnout, such as the frenetic, under-challenged, and worn-out subtypes, and more recently the misalignment subtype. Considering the level of work dedication, one may experience a transition from one form of burnout to another.

Common sub-types of burnout

Frenetic sub-type:

  • Characterized by work overload, and usually a high level of dedication
  • It is commonly attached to the “law of compensation” in psychology, meaning an overachievement at work and underachievement in other areas of life (e.g., personal life)

Under-challenged sub-type:

  • Characterized by an under-stimulating environment where work tasks are mostly repetitive
  • Over time, work becomes uninteresting and monotonous
  • There are no clear avenues for professional growth

Worn-out sub-type:

  • Also known as neglect burnout
  • Characterized by learned helplessness and hopelessness
  • Typically related to unstructured or unclear tasks, the individual adopts a progressive neglectful approach in the face of potentially demanding and stressful work

Misalignment sub-type:

  • Characterized by a discrepancy between the company’s values and the personal values and life principles of the individual
  • Such burnout is often present in jobs that are considered uninspiring for some people
  • Professional and personal fulfillment are considered conflicting (misaligned)

Suggestions to navigate a chapter with burnout:

  • Identify the type of burnout you are experiencing. Be honest, authentic, and transparent with yourself as this form of self-reflection is fundamental to starting a fresh direction in terms of the prospective approach to work.
  • Identify personality traits and explore their correlation with burnout in your particular situation. An interesting literature review found that some people are at a higher risk of experiencing burnout depending on their personality traits, such as higher levels of neuroticism or lower agreeableness according to the Big Five model of personality. As a prevention measure, having awareness of one’s personality traits helps in aligning personal characteristics with different job profiles to limit burnout rates.
  • If possible, discuss your concerns with your manager. Suppose you are one of those lucky individuals who can address their professional circumstances with the managerial team. This is a great opportunity to negotiate tasks that are in line with your objectives, personal values, and future professional development.
  • Discuss with a therapist who can provide support and advice regarding different perspectives while considering your abilities. An experienced therapist can help you identify and unlock the fusion between past personal circumstances and present work situations.
  • What are the challenges at work? Are there perhaps personal patterns that arise at work but their core lies in family or relationship dynamics? This could potentially be food for introspection. For example, a person who was raised in an unpredictable and chronic stressful environment may seek present job profiles that resemble core emotional and cognitive responses from the past.
  • Implement quality over quantity. Some people engage in their work from a quantitative standpoint (the more hours they engage at work, the greater performance they expect). This is a myth and a counterproductive approach to a healthy outlook at work. Research indicates that spending fewer hours at work, taking regular breaks, having a more realistic work-life balance, or working, for instance, a four-day week can boost productivity and overall well-being, and reduce burnout rates.
  • Take a break. It can happen that you did parts of the above. If there is financial stability (you have savings for a certain period), an incredible way to reconnect and find a purposeful job is to wander around freely, to let your mind rest and come up with new ideas. Replenish energy to gain a fresh perspective. That may come from internal work, traveling or perhaps engaging with the community. In many cases, you are the expert of your life, trust your intuition.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about BURNOUT or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Alexandria Ghita of Psychology Today

Invest In Yourself For Relationship Growth

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If you can’t keep it together, your relationship can’t either.

Sometimes, the right thing to do when your relationship feels off track is to check in on yourself.

Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage, recommends that you take some time to be “selfish.” If that word feels funny to you, think of it as investing in you. Our research found that taking care of yourself helps your relationship grow stronger. Both you and your partner will benefit from a release of tension. Here are a few ideas you can start with:

Filled with nervous energy or frustration? Take some time to engage in physical activity and work it off. If it helps to diminish stress, bring your favorite music along. The relief you gain from spending time moving your body may lessen your likelihood to snap at your partner.

Does reading soothe you? Head to the library and check out a new book. Many local libraries have ebooks that you can read on any device. Let yourself fall into the world of fiction or if you prefer to fill your head with a new subject matter.

Miss your friends? Make a connection. Whether it’s over a video chat platform or you skip over to your favorite coffee shop, be intentional about reaching out to your friends. Taking the time to reconnect with those who feel like your home away from home will leave you all feeling rejuvenated.

In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.

The Dalai Lama

Take a moment to contemplate what activities help you feel refreshed. It may be different depending on the day. Some mornings you’ll need quiet and a cup of coffee while others you need 30 minutes on your yoga mat. Whatever it is, commit to carving out time every day to do a “selfish” activity that helps you feel like you again. You’ll find yourself in a better headspace and ready to invest in your partner and your relationship.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: The Gottman Institute

Woman who practices self-compassion through mindfulness

Embracing Imperfection: The Power of Self-Compassion

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When we watch TV, scroll through social media, or see other people’s achievements in life, we can develop unrealistic standards of beauty, intelligence, and success. This can create a habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others, which can lead to harsh self-criticism.

Harsh self-criticism can have a negative impact on our mental and emotional health. A healthier way to deal with your imperfections is to recognize them without judgment and respond with self-compassion.

What is Self-Compassion? (And Its Importance)

Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself the same way you would treat other people who are having a difficult time. It is noticing your suffering, having the desire to care for yourself, and recognizing that your imperfection or struggle is a part of being human.

Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered the study of self-compassion, identified the three elements of self-compassion:

  • Self-Kindness. This involves being concerned and caring for your discomfort and distress. It’s being there for yourself when you find life difficult.
  • Common Humanity. This means that you recognize that facing challenges in life is an experience that all humans share, so you don’t feel alone in your struggles.
  • Mindfulness. To be mindful is to acknowledge your pain without overidentifying your negative thoughts and feelings. It takes a balanced approach that allows you to have the perspective to practice compassion for yourself.

Self-compassion is important in today’s society because it can help you strike a balance between striving for excellence and accepting your limitations. This way, you can bounce back from setbacks, learn from your failures, and still have a positive outlook in life even in the face of challenges.

Understanding the Concept of Imperfection

Perfectionism can leave us constantly stressed, burnt out, and unhappy with our lives. Moreover, unrealistic expectations can lead to low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Imperfections are qualities or characteristics of something or someone that deviate from a perfect or ideal standard. It might refer to physical imperfections, such as scars or blemishes. Or even academic imperfections, such as grades that are less than perfect.

Before we can practice self-compassion, we need to recognize that flaws are a part of life. When we recognize that humans are imperfect, then we can look at our shortcomings and avoid falling into feelings of self-loathing. It allows us to understand that it’s normal to make mistakes or accept that some things are out of our control.

The Detrimental Effects of Self-Judgment

Self-judgment involves looking at yourself, your characteristics, actions, and behaviors in a critical or often negative way. When you talk to yourself in a negative way, you can start to believe that everything your inner critic says is true. Additionally, it can fuel your perfectionism tendencies, which can lead to a constant fear of failure.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can reduce the pressure to be perfect because you can accept that you’re only human. You can better bounce back from setbacks and cope with challenges. Moreover, if you treat yourself with compassion, you can treat others with the same understanding.

Studies on Self-Compassion

The concept of self-compassion and its effects have been researched in various studies. According to a research, self-compassion can reduce people’s reactions to negative events. It can lessen the impact of negative self-feelings when imagining distressing events and receiving contradictory feedback. Moreover, it can also make people recognize their role in negative events without being overwhelmed.

Self-compassion has also been linked to improved emotional well-being. In a 2022 study, results showed a positive two-way connection between self-compassion and happiness. It was also found that mindfulness was a significant contributing factor that influences happiness.

Strategies for Embracing Imperfection

Practicing self-compassion is key to embracing your imperfections. Here are some strategies you can try:

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a key element of self-compassion. It’s taking a balanced approach to dealing with your negative thoughts and emotions, so you’re not avoiding or exaggerating your feelings. By being mindful, you are avoiding falling into the pitfall of rumination, which is the process of repetitive thinking or dwelling on your negative thoughts.

For example, if you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a moment to pause what you are doing. Acknowledge the thought as an impartial observer and label it as just a thought. Assess if your thoughts are helpful or useful. Recognize that you have the choice to let go of the thoughts if they’re not helpful to you.

Use positive affirmations

Affirmations are statements that you can use to challenge and replace negative thoughts about yourself. They can help you gain a more positive mindset.

Positive affirmations play an important role in practicing self-compassion because you’re promoting a kinder attitude toward yourself. They can help you challenge negative self-talk and break the cycle of harsh self-judgment.

Self-love affirmations can help promote body positivity, emotional well-being, self-compassion, personal growth, self-worth, and inner peace. For example, you can say, “I forgive myself for making mistakes. I believe in my ability to learn from them” or “I embrace my imperfections as a part of my unique and beautiful self.”

Accept and learn from mistakes

Instead of letting your failures defeat you, use them as opportunities for learning and growth.

First, acknowledge your mistake and recognize that it’s part of being human. The next step is to take responsibility for your actions and analyze the mistake to understand what went wrong. Ask yourself, what can you learn and what would you do differently next time.

If needed, you can take action to rectify the situation. You can also seek feedback from other people to gain another perspective. Then develop a plan so you can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. Lastly, forgive yourself and let go of the self-blame so you can grow as a person.

Self-Compassion in Daily Life

Start your day mindfully by taking a few deep breaths and setting your intentions for the day ahead.

Then you can recite positive affirmations about yourself. Repeat these statements regularly multiple times a day so you can internalize them.

Try to practice self-kindness when you make mistakes or face challenges throughout the day. Replace negative self-talk (which is frequently done in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT) such as “I’m so stupid for making mistakes” with “It’s okay to make mistakes, I will learn from it and do better.” This can help you achieve a growth mindset while being compassionate towards yourself.

At the end of the day, you can also write in your journal to express your thoughts and feelings during difficult moments and reflect on your mistakes. Use self-compassionate language as much as possible. Don’t forget to list down things you’re grateful for and celebrate your progress as well!

Embrace Your Imperfections Through Self-Compassion

Remember that your flaws are what make you human, relatable, and unique. That’s why embracing your imperfections is a powerful act of self-love.

You can practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself just as you would to a friend. It might take time and effort to gain this skill, but it’s all worth it in the end.

Finding A Therapist To Support You

Managing your thinking mistakes – all or nothing and catastrophizing – will support you well in overcoming perfectionism. The same is true for learning how to be kinder with yourself through a self-compassion practice.

At Hillary Counseling, our therapists utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and mindfulness to reduce perfectionism. These types of therapy greatly help you change your mindset which is essential to become less perfectionistic.

Want to learn about embracing imperfection for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our Milwaukee therapists, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.

 

 

Article By: Michael Vallejo, LCSW

Woman in Milwaukee, WI practicing self-care to improve her mental health and well being

Self-Care In The New Year

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Did you know that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February? Do you have plans for this new year? Are you wondering if they will stick? Let’s explore dynamic and practical strategies to maintain mental and physical wellness throughout the year, not just in the fleeting glow of New Year’s resolution season. Read on, and together, let’s redefine what caring for ourselves in the new year means.

Caring for yourself goes beyond the occasional bubble bath or massage (although those are great!). It’s about setting goals, establishing boundaries, and creating a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. It’s about living authentically and intentionally. So, let’s dive into some practical strategies for nurturing your mind, body, and spirit in the new year.

1. Set Goals With Intention

Setting goals is essential to stepping into the new year with purpose. But it’s not just about what you want to achieve—it’s also about why. What values are driving these goals? How do these goals align with your true self? Setting intentional goals creates a roadmap that leads us closer to our authentic selves.

For instance, your goal is to embrace a healthier lifestyle in the new year. The “what” in this scenario might be “I want to exercise more and eat healthier.” However, the “why” is vitally important because you value your health and want to feel more energetic and focused daily. Having a clear “why” helps ensure your goals align with your values and makes them more compelling and motivational. Remember, your goals should reflect who you want to become, not just what you want to do.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care. They allow us to honor our needs and make space for our well-being. In the coming year, reflect on areas where you may need to establish or strengthen boundaries. This could be learning to say “no” more often, scheduling regular “me time,” or communicating your needs more clearly in relationships.

Consider the case of workplace boundaries. It’s common to feel obligated to be available around the clock in today’s digital age. However, this can lead to burnout and negatively impact your health and well-being. An example of a healthy boundary in this context is setting specific “work hours” and allowing yourself to truly disconnect outside these hours. This means no responding to work emails or answering work calls during your time. Establishing this boundary ensures you have the time and space to relax, recharge, and engage in activities you enjoy outside of work.

3. Cultivate Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, a powerful antidote to the modern world’s constant rush and distraction. For example, start a daily meditation practice where you spend 10 minutes each morning quietly focusing on your breath. Or, you could try mindful eating, where you entirely focus on your food’s taste, texture, and smell, rather than eating mindlessly in front of the TV. Cultivating mindfulness can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity, making it an essential wellness practice for the new year.

4. Nourish Your Body

Your body is the vessel that carries you through life—so treat it with love. This means eating nourishing foods, staying hydrated, exercising regularly, and ensuring enough sleep. Remember, small, consistent actions are more impactful than drastic, short-lived changes.

Nourishing your body involves a holistic approach to wellness, balancing physical activities with mindful eating. For instance, you might begin your day with a nourishing breakfast comprising whole grain cereal, fruits, and a protein source like eggs or yogurt. This kick-starts your metabolism and provides energy for the day. Pair this with a routine of regular exercise. This could be as simple as a brisk 30-minute walk, a yoga session, or a more intense activity like running or weight training. Remember, the goal isn’t to strive for perfection but to make small, consistent changes that promote overall health and well-being.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, remember to be kind to yourself. You will have days when you falter, and that’s OK. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. It’s acknowledging that we’re all human, and it’s OK to be a work in progress.

Consider this example of self-compassion. Perhaps you missed a workout session one day because you were overloaded at work. Rather than berating yourself for not sticking to your fitness routine, understand that you had a demanding day and that it’s OK to take breaks when needed. Remind yourself that one missed workout doesn’t negate all your previous efforts. Instead of dwelling on what you didn’t do, focus on what you can do next. Maybe plan a calming yoga routine the next day or prioritize getting a good night’s sleep. This way, you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, exactly as you would treat a friend in the same situation.

Stepping into the new year is exciting—a fresh start brimming with possibilities. But remember, any lasting change begins with taking care of yourself. As you move through 2024, keep these strategies in mind. Nurture your mind, body, and spirit, and create a life that aligns with your true self. Here’s to a year filled with resilience, grace, and self-love. Happy New Year!

Want to learn about creating a self-care plan for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.
Happy couple who utilizes couples therapy by a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wi

The Four Horseman and Their Antidotes…The Secret to Managing Relationship Conflict

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The Gottman Institute studies relationships and looks for evidenced based signs of what works, and what doesn’t. They use the metaphor of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe four dynamics that can predict the end of a romantic relationship. Luckily, they have also discovered the “antidotes” that can change these unhealthy dynamics.

Criticism

Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with some level of blame. Often “you” statements – “You should have done the laundry by now, you know I wanted to go out later!”

Antidote: Complaining – Expressing anger or disagreement about a specific behavior. Often uses “I” statements – “I wanted the laundry to be finished by now so I could get out before everything closes.” Complaining does not involve blame or get personal.

Next time, try: Instead of criticizing the other person, tell them what you would like them to do instead.

Defensiveness

Avoiding any responsibility for partner’s complaints. This can look like denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing with negative mind-reading, cross-complaining, “yes-but”-ing, repeating yourself, whining.

Antidote: Taking responsibility for some part of the problem.

Next time, try: Considering if there any part of the other person’s complaint that makes some sense to you. If so, say, “I can see what you’re saying about (this part).” See how that changes the conversation.

Contempt

The intention here is to insult and psychologically abuse the other person. This happens when the relationship feels so negative, that one partner has difficulty identifying anything positive about the other. It can include insults and name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery. It is also visible in body language and facial expressions. Contempt in communication between partners is a strong predictor of divorce.

Antidote: Culture of appreciation – focus on what you admire about the other person.

Next time, try: Noticing when you are expressing contempt and stopping yourself immediately. There are also exercises that you can do to remember and rekindle the things you admire or appreciate about the other person, which will start to shift the habit of expressing contempt.

Stonewalling

Habitual disengagement during conflict.

Antidote: Self-soothing—Monitor your emotional arousal during arguments; take breaks and do something to calm down. Find a way to stay engaged in the discussion, even if it means taking a break.

Next time, try: Catching yourself when you are starting to get emotionally overwhelmed during a conflict. Let the other person know you are going to take a break, but will return to finish the discussion when you are more calm. It generally takes about 20 minutes to calm down from “emotional flooding

We can help improve your relationship.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to strengthen your relationship, rebuild your connection, and restore the joy you both once felt.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

 

Article summarized from the Gottman Institute Research.

Woman practicing mindfulness to manage her social anxiety.

Being Thankful in an Age of Anxiety

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This Thanksgiving feels different to a lot of people. They are glued to the news, concerned about the state of the world, watching or participating in demonstrations and rallies, not sure how to speak to their children about war, and seeing cracks in friendships because of opposing opinions about global events. Anxiety about Israel and Hamas, Russia and Ukraine, Israel and Hezbollah, America and Iran, gun violence, political polarization… the list goes on and on. There are fears for the present and trepidation about the future.

Individuals vary in how they react to anxiety. Some bury their heads in their sand and ignore the rumbling sense of anxiety that seems to permeate society or that lies beneath their exterior. Others are in a hyper-alert state and can’t get enough of the latest, up-to-the-minute news reports and social media feeds.

At a time when people get their news from sources that accentuate their own beliefs and communicate in an echo chamber, emotions become even more intensified. Because of 24/7 media, the international, the interpersonal, and intra-psychic have all converged in a way that we may never have seen before. This tests the metal in each of us.

As Benjamin Franklin said, out of adversity comes opportunity. Our age of anxiety presents us with what can be considered a Zen challenge. Can we maintain calm and experience gratitude at a time when we are tense, worried, and, perhaps, feeling a bit pessimistic? Like anything else, relaxation and calm take a bit of work.

Steps for Easing Your Anxiety

Here are suggestions for easing your anxiety and fostering your appreciation for the blessings in your life:

1. Modulate what you are being exposed to. Staying tuned to news all day is a recipe for agita. Give yourself breaks. Some people can’t help but starting and ending their day with updates on the news, but try to limit your exposure.

2. Practice loving-kindness and self-compassion. This frequently means relieving oneself of guilt for things not done to your satisfaction or just generally feeling anxious. Try to do this for five or ten minutes. Holding on to moments when you are not consumed with negativity is invaluable.

3. Exercise. Whether you run, practice yoga, or do any other type of physical movement, it will help clear your head and access positive energy.

4. Take a couple of moments during the day to count your blessings—including the people in your life and the good fortune from which you’ve benefitted. Take nothing for granted. Taking things for granted only robs you of the fruits of your labor. (If you don’t think you have good things in your life, chances are this is a distortion from being depressed. Don’t ignore this sign. Seek help.)

5. Meditate. Posture, relaxation, breathing, and focus calms one’s body and mind.

6. Surround yourself with people who nourish you. Think about the effect that others have on you and, to the best of your ability, spend time with those who exude positive vibes. It can be just a phone call; it needn’t involve spending a weekend together.

7. If it’s within your spiritual outlook, pray for goodness in the world, for those you love, and for yourself.

If you’re looking for more guidance…We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual psychotherapy and online psychotherapy services for anxiety treatment, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and EMDR.

 

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Written by: Samuel L. Pauker, M.D

Hillary Counseling sign, located in Milwaukee, WI

TMJ4 News: Gallery Night Interview

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It’s the Monday after Gallery Night weekend and the Hillary Counseling team had a blast. We were lucky enough to be interviewed by TMJ4 news, who kicked off Gallery Night at the HC office.

https://www.tmj4.com/news/community-voices/milwaukees-vast-creative-culture-on-display-during-gallery-night-mke

It’s clear that the therapeutic potential of art is vast and applicable to individuals of all age groups. The notion that art can improve mental well-being is something many people intuitively understand but can lose sight of — especially if we have become disconnected from the dancing, creative writing, drawing and singing we used to enjoy as children.

But there’s a “really robust body of evidence” that suggests that art, as well as creating art and activities like attending a concert or visiting a museum, can benefit mental health. Here are a few simple ways to elevate your mood with the arts.

Try the three-drawing technique

Dr. James S. Gordon, a psychiatrist and the founder of The Center for Mind-Body Medicine, pioneered something called the “three drawing technique.” It is featured in the new book “Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Transform Us.”

“In my experience, art like this goes beyond words in helping us to understand what’s going on with ourselves and to understand what we should do with it,” Dr. Gordon says in the book. You don’t need to be good at drawing — stick figures are OK.

Start by quickly drawing yourself; don’t overthink it. The second drawing should show you with your biggest problem. The third drawing should show you after your problem has been solved.

This exercise is meant to encourage self-discovery and help give people agency in their own healing — and you can do it with or without a therapist, said Susan Magsamen, an assistant professor of neurology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a co-author of the book.

Color something intricate

If you are one of the many people who have turned to adult coloring books, it may not come as a surprise that research suggests this activity can help ease anxiety.

Coloring within the lines — of an intricate pattern, for example — appears to be especially effective. One study, that evaluated college students, and another that assessed older adults, found that spending 20 minutes coloring a mandala (a complex geometric design) was more helpful in reducing anxiety than free-form coloring for the same length of time.

Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic and the author of “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food,” described coloring as a “mini-mental vacation.” When we focus on the texture of the paper and choose the colors that please us, it becomes easier to tune out distractions and stay in the moment, she said. “It’s a great form of meditation for people who hate meditation.”

Listening to music, playing an instrument or singing can all be beneficial. A 2022 study, for example, surveyed more than 650 people in four age groups and asked them to rank the artistic activities that helped them “feel better” during the 2020 pandemic lockdowns. The youngest participants, ages 18 to 24, overwhelmingly rated musical activities as most effective. Across all age groups, “singing” was ranked among the top activities.

Other studies have found that singing reduces levels of cortisol, a hormone that the body releases when it is under stress. As one example, mothers who had recently given birth and regularly sang to their babies had less anxiety.

Music can be effective at reducing stress because things like rhythm and repetitive lyrics and chords engage multiple regions of the brain.

Looking for more on art and mental health? Reach out to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists. →

Mom and son who have a great relationship

20 Positive and Uplifting Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

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Ah, back-to-school season. That magical time of new backpacks, adorable “first-day” pictures, and the crushing mental load of keeping up with homework, field trips, and school supply lists. Especially after the lazy days of summer, the rush of activity surrounding the back-to-school season can feel overwhelming, and many mothers cite it as one of the most exhausting times of the year.

And yet, it’s also a beautiful, poignant season. Our kids are a year older and that much taller than in last year’s pictures. There are happy reunions with friends, both our kids and our own. There is the excitement of a new year and all the ways our children will learn and grow. But still, it’s hard to savor these things when we’re busy checking things off our lists and (barely) keeping our heads above water.

When life gets a little crazy, it can be nice to take a deep breath and give ourselves a reminder that not only are we doing the best we can, but our best is pretty great. Using daily affirmations can be the mental reset we need to feel more grounded and ready to tackle the tasks of the day ahead.

If you’re looking to get into or continue the practice, here are a few of our favorite affirmations to help you pause, take a breath, and feel your best during back-to-school season. Pick a few of these that stand out to you, say them out loud to yourself each morning, and see how positivity and personal encouragement can change your days and your relationships.

Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

1. My children’s successes and failures are not my own.

We love our kids, and we want to do everything we can to help them succeed. And yet, it’s not all up to us. In this era of intensive parenting, it’s easy to forget where our kids end and we begin. We tend to want to make their wins our wins and their challenges our challenges, but the most recent ‘A’ on their spelling test doesn’t belong to us, just as getting cut from the soccer team isn’t our letdown. We can support our kids through their accomplishments and challenges without using them as a litmus test for our success as a parent.

2. I am in control of how I respond to others.

When life takes a busy turn, it’s easier than ever to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Whether we’re late for school pick-up and traffic is backed up, or we forgot that permission slip again, times like this make it easy to not be our best. For our kids and for ourselves, it’s important for us to stay calm even in times of anxiety. A balanced nervous system is not something to be taken for granted. This affirmation will serve as a reminder that even though we can’t control, say, the speed of traffic, we are in control of how we handle our emotions. Allowing our kids to watch us practice emotional regulation is a great way to help them gain the skill as well.

3. I trust myself.

We all learned quickly when starting to raise kids (and even before) that there are going to be difficult choices to make. From simple things like suggesting your little one bring a raincoat to school today, to big things like giving them friendship advice, we’re making decisions all the time. In a world with so much outside noise—other parents, social media, society at large—it can be hard to differentiate between what we believe is best and what we think we should be doing. We can use this affirmation to tap into our intuition and remind ourselves that we’re capable of making decisions for ourselves and our kids.

4. I am strong and capable.

I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life where if someone had said these words to me, it would have had to power to bring me to tears. When we’re trying to perfectly juggle everything on our to-do list, it can quickly become overwhelming and leave us feeling discouraged. The good news is that we don’t need anyone else to remind us that we’re capable of doing difficult things—even though that can be nice, too! We can remind ourselves every day of the things we’ve already accomplished and remember there’s nothing too big for us to handle.

5. I deserve help.

Packing lunches. Scheduling a sitter. Checking homework. Washing sports uniforms. Coordinating carpool. The list quickly becomes unmanageable. And yet, asking for help sometimes seems like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, explaining to our partner what goes in the lunch box often takes longer than just making the lunch. On the flip side, however, if you don’t take the time to ask for help and explain what you need, you’ll always be the one making lunch.

Eve Rodsky addresses this topic in her book, Fair Play, which contains concrete suggestions for how to triage and rebalance the often invisible work that mothers do. Because not only do we need the help, we deserve it.

6. I’m doing enough.

As the old saying goes, perfect is the enemy of good. Yes, there will always be the mom who brings personalized Halloween cookies for the whole class or shows up to back-to-school night with a bullet-point list of questions organized by topic. Good for her. We all need to prioritize, though, and usually, something has to give.

It’s OK to feed your kids chicken nuggets three nights in a row or toss a random scarf on their heads on the way out the door for “Dress Like a Pirate Day.” Good enough is underrated. Good enough can preserve your sanity and ensure you have the energy for the parts of your life that don’t revolve around school projects or “Silly Sock Day.”

7. I am unique and creative.

When we become moms, it can be so easy to let it become our entire identity. While one of our biggest priorities these days is to raise our little ones to the best of our abilities, it’s important to remember what makes us individually unique. Though we may not always have the time to tap into our favorite hobbies or do all of the things that we loved before becoming moms, giving ourselves a little reminder that we are unique and special as individuals might be just what we need to hear.

8. I am loved.

Often times when we’re rushing out the door or onto the next event, we quickly toss out an ‘I love you’ to our partners and kids. And don’t get me wrong, anytime this sentiment is shared is a good thing. But when our minds are focusing on other tasks at hand, it can be tough for anyone to fully internalize what’s being said. Let’s use this phrase as an opportunity to feel those ‘I love you’ moments we share with those around us, and perhaps as a reminder to share even more intentional sentiments with those who mean the most to us.

9. My needs and wants are important.

It can be so easy to focus 100% on our kid’s or partner’s needs without allowing the space needed to care for ourselves—especially amidst those extra busy times like getting back into a school routine. But our needs and wants deserve to be prioritized as much as anyone else in the family.

10. I am allowed to have a bad day.

In a society as fast-paced as ours, it’s easy to feel like we’re never doing enough. When the discouragement gets really overwhelming, we can easily find ourselves in a bad day. When this happens, I like to remind myself that bad days happen for a reason. We need to know what a difficult day is like in order to appreciate the ones that are actually really good. This affirmation is also our cue to give ourselves some grace and remember that a bad day does not equal a bad life.

11. I deserve rest.

During the airplane safety demonstration, they always instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. The same goes for parenting. You are of no use to your family if you’re running on fumes. You can’t help your kids make good decisions, respond to them with patience and empathy, or model healthy self-care if you’re a sleep-deprived zombie on a regular basis.

You’re not obligated to be at every school function, orchestra concert, or soccer game. Maybe you and your partner divide and conquer. Maybe you skip something altogether. Either way, once in a while we all need to pause and refuel before jumping back into the marathon.

12. I am grateful.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed, I find it really difficult to appreciate the small things among all the hustle and bustle of a busy season. Every now and then, we need to be reminded of all of the blessings we have—but that’s not to say we should minimize our struggles, either. Rather, we can intentionally spend time being thankful for the small things and big things alike. Speaking this appreciation will make it easier and easier to internalize it and see the good in every day.

13. I can choose to be happy.

In that same realm is this affirmation that reminds us we alone are in control of our happiness. When we realize that happiness is a choice that is always in our control, we take the power away from outside factors. This is not to say that we will be happy 100% of the time—instead, we can use this as a cue to find the good in the bad, stressful, and mundane.

14. I am the best mom for my children.

Playing the comparison game can easily lead us down a dark rabbit hole. We start to see moms who can “do it all” (which, spoiler alert, no one can). Then we’re led to believe that everyone else is doing a better job than we are. That’s where the second-guessing starts rolling in. Am I doing enough? Why can’t motherhood be as effortless for me as it is for her? Would my kids be better off with a different mom? The answer to the last one is an absolute no. There’s no one out there who would do a better job at raising our kids than us. Every now and then, hearing a reminder like that can be the words of encouragement we need.

15. I will find joy and laughter in today.

When we get into ‘get it done’ mode, it can be tough to enjoy the process. We can give ourselves a nudge with this affirmation that there is joy everywhere. Whether it’s our kids telling a story over breakfast, or cracking a joke on the way to school, when we intentionally look for it, we can always find a reason to smile. Plus, we’ll never regret spending time laughing with our kiddos.

16. I am proud of what my body can do.

A hand to hold, a lap to snuggle in, arms to carry all the things—every mom’s body does incredible things every day. It’s important to take an occasional pause to remind ourselves that our body deserves our gratitude and respect for all the amazing things it can do.

17. I am a positive role model to my kids.

We have the opportunity to show their kids what a positive role model looks like. When we do our best, we encourage our kids to do their best. Each and every day, we have opportunities to give our kids someone to look up to. We can do so in the way we work, rest, and play.

18. I will talk to myself like I would a friend.

When we really think about it, the way we talk to our friends is often with much more compassion and kindness than we give ourselves. Imagine if we give ourselves the same kind of praise and encouragement we give to others. We would likely have a lot more motivation to tackle challenging tasks, and a better ability to show up as our best selves. Let’s take the time to remember to speak to ourselves with the same respect and adoration we give others.

19. Each day, I am learning.

Motherhood, and life in general, is a learning process. And how do we know when we’re growing? By taking the lessons life gave to us yesterday and bettering our tomorrow for ourselves and our kids. This also serves as a great reminder to not fixate on past mistakes but to learn from them.

20. I’m a good mom.

Chances are if you’re worrying about whether you’re a good mom, you already are. It’s easy to get caught up in criticizing our shortcomings instead of focusing on all the ways we love and care for our families—especially when everyone around us (i.e., everyone on social media) seems to be super-momming so effortlessly. And while we know in our brains that social media is curated to show the best of people, it’s sometimes still hard to shake the anxiety feeling that in comparison, we’re falling short. But the bar is only as high as we choose to set it, and our failures are only as important as the energy we choose to give them.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists. →

 

 

Article Written by Caitlin Weaver and Brett Nicole Hayden of The Every Mom

Child practicing intuitive eating

Raising An Intuitive Eater

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There’s been a lot of talk about intuitive eating lately, which got us thinking: If we can learn to eat intuitively, when did we learn not to?

No matter how you diverged from your natural eating style, it’s possible to get it back—and support your children in maintaining theirs, say Sumner Brooks, MPH, RDN and Amee Severson, MPP-D, RDN, authors of How To Raise An Intuitive Eater. “We don’t need to teach intuitive eating; children naturally do this. We need to support them in their natural eating behaviors,” Brooks says.

Understanding Intuitive Eating—for Your Kids and for Yourself

There’s often a misunderstanding of what it means to eat intuitively. Many people think that intuitive eating is all about cravings and appetite—just eat what you want when you want. But that approach doesn’t consider the whole picture. A more complete definition is complex. The definition of intuitive eating that we use is from Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole (pioneers of intuitive eating), which encompasses the complexity of the human eating experience and our relationship to food: instinct, thought, and emotion.

Our instincts, which are controlled by our reptilian brain and help us survive, compel us to seek food when we’re hungry. Instincts are the reason restrictive diets don’t work long-term. If you are in a calorie deficit for an extended period, your body goes into survival mode, so you constantly think about food and you are determined to seek it out in order to survive.

We’re human, though, so we can also think and use our logic and reasoning to make our eating decisions. We can ask questions like: What am I doing today? How much energy do I need to do what I need to get done? What can I eat that will help me feel good throughout the day? Logic is a great benefit that helps us eat in a way that fuels us and keeps us feeling as good as we can.

Our unique instincts, thoughts, and emotions make up our personal intuitive eating experience.

What Disrupting the Intuitive Process Looks Like

Parents mean well, but sometimes, without even realizing it, they say things that can deter a child’s intuitive eating process. Some examples are asking, “Are you sure you’re hungry?” or “Are you just thirsty or bored?” before your kid eats something. Or it can sound like, “You don’t really need that.”

These little questions and comments can accumulate and eventually instill distrust in your child’s ability to follow their own instincts. Then they begin to question themselves: Maybe I am just thirsty or bored; maybe I don’t need this, even though it sounds really good right now.

Another thing that we often see is parents comparing eating styles with another child’s or labeling children as “good eaters” and “bad eaters.” This adds to the constant attention and judgment our society has concerning eating and food preferences. It can be overbearing for a child—they know when their parents care a lot about what they’re eating or when there’s not a certain type of food in the house—they notice and feel it all.

Ways Parents Can Help Their Child Eat Intuitively

It’s important to know that we don’t need to teach intuitive eating; children naturally do this. We need to support them in their natural eating behaviors and they will learn to self-correct, if needed. You can compare it to when a child is learning to walk. We don’t try to keep them from falling. To become competent walkers, they must explore, wobble around, and fall and get back up again. But we don’t let them learn to walk in a parking lot or on the street. We keep them surrounded by safe boundaries that allow them to find their way. There’s a balance of exploration and boundaries when it comes to raising an intuitive eater, too.

Tuning in to yourself and your child is essential. It’s ultimately about making mealtime a positive experience that leaves them feeling good and satisfied. Here are some things that can help:

Have a flexible and reliable feeding routine. This helps provide some structure but also a safe space for them to learn how to listen to their body, feed themselves regularly, get enough to feel satisfied and try new foods. We recommend keeping a pretty loose schedule. For example, plan for the family to eat a snack around this time each day and meals around these other times each day but with enough flexibility that allows for the natural flows of life—unexpected schedule changes, changes in timing of hunger, etc.

Have desirable food options. A child should know that at every single meal and snack, there will be enough food for them and there will be enough food that they want provided for them. For example, you can provide your child with a pound of Brussels sprouts in one meal—that would be more than enough food in terms of volume—but if your child refuses to eat Brussels sprouts, then that really is not enough food for them.

There should be something they want to eat with each meal. We don’t need to force them to eat things they don’t want. If you know they like strawberries, then make sure strawberries are on the table, rather than pressuring them to eat bananas if they are averse to them.

Offer a combination of familiar and new foods. This doesn’t mean every single meal has to include a new vegetable and a new fruit, but generally doing this over the course of a week or a month, whatever is best for your family, is great. Repeating staples and family favorites works, too.

Stop pressuring them to eat. Just stop. If you need to bite your tongue to stop yourself from making a comment, we suggest doing so. We’re (kind of) joking, but we use that example because it’s that crucial. If you feel the urge to say something about their food or eating, pause and notice the discomfort inside yourself. Let it dissipate and allow your child to make the decision—they are more than capable of doing so. Ultimately, we don’t want our children to develop disordered eating patterns.

Talk about anything else other than what they’re eating during mealtimes. Let the food be there. If you find yourself wanting to talk about food, you can shift the conversation and instead ask them how they are doing or feeling. It distracts from the food and helps you connect with your child. It’s okay to express enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction about what you are eating, of course, but the goal is to place more attention on your child than on the meal.

Model intuitive eating. Parents are often unaware of how our systems and culture influence our eating preferences and patterns, and we unconsciously pass these ideals, behaviors and anxiety on to our children. When parents relearn and model intuitive eating, it can make a tremendous difference, since our children are very attuned to our actions.

For some parents, this may mean eliminating diets or restrictive eating or doing deep inner-child psychological work (many of our eating patterns are ingrained from a young age). It could also mean making conscious decisions to release control of your child’s eating, trust that your child can self-regulate, and give them the freedom to experiment and learn.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Intuitive Eating Therapists. →

 

Article By Sumner Brooks, MPH, RDN, and Amee Severson, MPP-D, RDN, as told to Goop

 

Learn how to cope with anxiety by working with a therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

Avoid or Redirect? Know the Difference for Better Coping with Anxiety

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We’ve all heard it before: compulsions equal bad. You have to face your fear to overcome it. Running away and avoiding your fear will only make it worse.

You may have also heard it is important to redirect your energies toward a life of personal value and meaning.

But, when is it avoidance, and when is it redirection?

Traditional Treatment for Anxiety Disorder

To understand the avoidance vs. redirection discussion, you first have to know the therapeutic framework.

Treatment for anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety spectrum disorders, including social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorders, and specific phobias, will usually take the form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention (ERP).

In a nutshell, CBT is concerned with your thoughts (cognitions) and your actions (behaviors). To start, CBT will have you look at your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself about the situation you are in and see if you can think about them more logically. If you can think about them differently then you can do something different about those situations and respond to your thoughts and the outside world in more reasonable and adaptive ways. This last is the behavioral part.

Exposure and Response Prevention fits into this behavioral part. ERP helps you to slowly and thoughtfully get closer to your fears (exposure), while intentionally resisting compulsive or unhelpful behaviors (response prevention).

Avoidance as an Unhelpful Behavior

Along with reassurance seeking, rumination, and rituals, avoidance is one of those compulsive and maladaptive coping skills that prevent people from effectively facing their fears and learning that they can handle anxiety and uncertainty. Simultaneously, people see that their worst fear is really unlikely to happen. When you avoid uncomfortable situations or thoughts, you also avoid the opportunity to learn from them and grow from your lived experiences.

It’s like physical exercise. When you avoid it, you don’t get stronger.

ERP would have you face your fears and learn to endure the momentary discomfort and ride the fluctuating wave of anxiety up to its peak until it comes down back to baseline. In this process, you see that anxiety did not kill you, that you were strong enough to endure the wonky experience and discover what actually happens (usually nothing, in the best way).

Avoidance is a ploy to not feel uncomfortable or not have an unwanted experience.

Suppression is avoidance’s aggressive twin. Suppression can include thoughts, feelings, mental images, or physical sensations. This is the intentional effort of stuffing a feeling down or shoving it out of your experience. It’s exhausting and ultimately does not work. For example, don’t think about a white elephant: How’s that going?

What Is Redirection?

Redirection is a deliberate effort to place your attention and energy on actions, thoughts, or interactions that are more meaningful and important to you at the moment.

In fact, I bet you already do this. Have you ever been in class and gotten distracted by a thought of the cute redhead, then try to refocus back on the teacher? Or ever been in a meeting and start dreaming of that vacation you’re going on, and then catch yourself, and try to get your head back in the meeting? That’s redirection.

They Are not the Same

Avoidance and redirection have similarities, but knowing their differences can be a turning point for you in treatment.

They both seemingly place less emphasis on a specific thought, but that’s where they stop their similarities.

Avoidance, along with its twin suppression, are a futile attempt to pretend as if the unwanted experience does not exist. You deceive yourself with the hope that just not thinking about the feeling, thought, or mental image will make it go away and that you’ll feel better.

To be fair, it may feel better for a moment, but remember that white elephant exercise? Efforts to avoid or suppress only amplify the thought, make it more important, and ensure that it sticks in the mind and body longer.

On the other hand, redirection acknowledges the presence of the thought and feeling and elevates the importance of another thought or action over the unwanted one. Redirection does not seek to destroy unwanted thoughts. Instead, it affirms the importance of something else and pursues it with gentle interest and commitment.

It’s like adopting a dog at the pound. You don’t have to have all the other dogs put down in order to adopt the dog you want. You just say, “Hey, I’ll take that one,” and let the other ones be adopted by other people, while they slowly drift from your memory.

We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual therapy and online therapy services for anxiety treatment.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Article By: Kevin Foss, LCSW