Tag Archive for: Coping

Hillary Counseling sign, located in Milwaukee, WI

TMJ4 News: Gallery Night Interview

It’s the Monday after Gallery Night weekend and the Hillary Counseling team had a blast. We were lucky enough to be interviewed by TMJ4 news, who kicked off Gallery Night at the HC office.

https://www.tmj4.com/news/community-voices/milwaukees-vast-creative-culture-on-display-during-gallery-night-mke

It’s clear that the therapeutic potential of art is vast and applicable to individuals of all age groups. The notion that art can improve mental well-being is something many people intuitively understand but can lose sight of — especially if we have become disconnected from the dancing, creative writing, drawing and singing we used to enjoy as children.

But there’s a “really robust body of evidence” that suggests that art, as well as creating art and activities like attending a concert or visiting a museum, can benefit mental health. Here are a few simple ways to elevate your mood with the arts.

Try the three-drawing technique

Dr. James S. Gordon, a psychiatrist and the founder of The Center for Mind-Body Medicine, pioneered something called the “three drawing technique.” It is featured in the new book “Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Transform Us.”

“In my experience, art like this goes beyond words in helping us to understand what’s going on with ourselves and to understand what we should do with it,” Dr. Gordon says in the book. You don’t need to be good at drawing — stick figures are OK.

Start by quickly drawing yourself; don’t overthink it. The second drawing should show you with your biggest problem. The third drawing should show you after your problem has been solved.

This exercise is meant to encourage self-discovery and help give people agency in their own healing — and you can do it with or without a therapist, said Susan Magsamen, an assistant professor of neurology at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and a co-author of the book.

Color something intricate

If you are one of the many people who have turned to adult coloring books, it may not come as a surprise that research suggests this activity can help ease anxiety.

Coloring within the lines — of an intricate pattern, for example — appears to be especially effective. One study, that evaluated college students, and another that assessed older adults, found that spending 20 minutes coloring a mandala (a complex geometric design) was more helpful in reducing anxiety than free-form coloring for the same length of time.

Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic and the author of “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food,” described coloring as a “mini-mental vacation.” When we focus on the texture of the paper and choose the colors that please us, it becomes easier to tune out distractions and stay in the moment, she said. “It’s a great form of meditation for people who hate meditation.”

Listening to music, playing an instrument or singing can all be beneficial. A 2022 study, for example, surveyed more than 650 people in four age groups and asked them to rank the artistic activities that helped them “feel better” during the 2020 pandemic lockdowns. The youngest participants, ages 18 to 24, overwhelmingly rated musical activities as most effective. Across all age groups, “singing” was ranked among the top activities.

Other studies have found that singing reduces levels of cortisol, a hormone that the body releases when it is under stress. As one example, mothers who had recently given birth and regularly sang to their babies had less anxiety.

Music can be effective at reducing stress because things like rhythm and repetitive lyrics and chords engage multiple regions of the brain.

Looking for more on art and mental health? Reach out to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists.

Mom and son who have a great relationship

20 Positive and Uplifting Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

Ah, back-to-school season. That magical time of new backpacks, adorable “first-day” pictures, and the crushing mental load of keeping up with homework, field trips, and school supply lists. Especially after the lazy days of summer, the rush of activity surrounding the back-to-school season can feel overwhelming, and many mothers cite it as one of the most exhausting times of the year.

And yet, it’s also a beautiful, poignant season. Our kids are a year older and that much taller than in last year’s pictures. There are happy reunions with friends, both our kids and our own. There is the excitement of a new year and all the ways our children will learn and grow. But still, it’s hard to savor these things when we’re busy checking things off our lists and (barely) keeping our heads above water.

When life gets a little crazy, it can be nice to take a deep breath and give ourselves a reminder that not only are we doing the best we can, but our best is pretty great. Using daily affirmations can be the mental reset we need to feel more grounded and ready to tackle the tasks of the day ahead.

If you’re looking to get into or continue the practice, here are a few of our favorite affirmations to help you pause, take a breath, and feel your best during back-to-school season. Pick a few of these that stand out to you, say them out loud to yourself each morning, and see how positivity and personal encouragement can change your days and your relationships.

Back-to-School Affirmations for Moms

1. My children’s successes and failures are not my own.

We love our kids, and we want to do everything we can to help them succeed. And yet, it’s not all up to us. In this era of intensive parenting, it’s easy to forget where our kids end and we begin. We tend to want to make their wins our wins and their challenges our challenges, but the most recent ‘A’ on their spelling test doesn’t belong to us, just as getting cut from the soccer team isn’t our letdown. We can support our kids through their accomplishments and challenges without using them as a litmus test for our success as a parent.

2. I am in control of how I respond to others.

When life takes a busy turn, it’s easier than ever to feel frustrated when things don’t go our way. Whether we’re late for school pick-up and traffic is backed up, or we forgot that permission slip again, times like this make it easy to not be our best. For our kids and for ourselves, it’s important for us to stay calm even in times of anxiety. A balanced nervous system is not something to be taken for granted. This affirmation will serve as a reminder that even though we can’t control, say, the speed of traffic, we are in control of how we handle our emotions. Allowing our kids to watch us practice emotional regulation is a great way to help them gain the skill as well.

3. I trust myself.

We all learned quickly when starting to raise kids (and even before) that there are going to be difficult choices to make. From simple things like suggesting your little one bring a raincoat to school today, to big things like giving them friendship advice, we’re making decisions all the time. In a world with so much outside noise—other parents, social media, society at large—it can be hard to differentiate between what we believe is best and what we think we should be doing. We can use this affirmation to tap into our intuition and remind ourselves that we’re capable of making decisions for ourselves and our kids.

4. I am strong and capable.

I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life where if someone had said these words to me, it would have had to power to bring me to tears. When we’re trying to perfectly juggle everything on our to-do list, it can quickly become overwhelming and leave us feeling discouraged. The good news is that we don’t need anyone else to remind us that we’re capable of doing difficult things—even though that can be nice, too! We can remind ourselves every day of the things we’ve already accomplished and remember there’s nothing too big for us to handle.

5. I deserve help.

Packing lunches. Scheduling a sitter. Checking homework. Washing sports uniforms. Coordinating carpool. The list quickly becomes unmanageable. And yet, asking for help sometimes seems like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, explaining to our partner what goes in the lunch box often takes longer than just making the lunch. On the flip side, however, if you don’t take the time to ask for help and explain what you need, you’ll always be the one making lunch.

Eve Rodsky addresses this topic in her book, Fair Play, which contains concrete suggestions for how to triage and rebalance the often invisible work that mothers do. Because not only do we need the help, we deserve it.

6. I’m doing enough.

As the old saying goes, perfect is the enemy of good. Yes, there will always be the mom who brings personalized Halloween cookies for the whole class or shows up to back-to-school night with a bullet-point list of questions organized by topic. Good for her. We all need to prioritize, though, and usually, something has to give.

It’s OK to feed your kids chicken nuggets three nights in a row or toss a random scarf on their heads on the way out the door for “Dress Like a Pirate Day.” Good enough is underrated. Good enough can preserve your sanity and ensure you have the energy for the parts of your life that don’t revolve around school projects or “Silly Sock Day.”

7. I am unique and creative.

When we become moms, it can be so easy to let it become our entire identity. While one of our biggest priorities these days is to raise our little ones to the best of our abilities, it’s important to remember what makes us individually unique. Though we may not always have the time to tap into our favorite hobbies or do all of the things that we loved before becoming moms, giving ourselves a little reminder that we are unique and special as individuals might be just what we need to hear.

8. I am loved.

Often times when we’re rushing out the door or onto the next event, we quickly toss out an ‘I love you’ to our partners and kids. And don’t get me wrong, anytime this sentiment is shared is a good thing. But when our minds are focusing on other tasks at hand, it can be tough for anyone to fully internalize what’s being said. Let’s use this phrase as an opportunity to feel those ‘I love you’ moments we share with those around us, and perhaps as a reminder to share even more intentional sentiments with those who mean the most to us.

9. My needs and wants are important.

It can be so easy to focus 100% on our kid’s or partner’s needs without allowing the space needed to care for ourselves—especially amidst those extra busy times like getting back into a school routine. But our needs and wants deserve to be prioritized as much as anyone else in the family.

10. I am allowed to have a bad day.

In a society as fast-paced as ours, it’s easy to feel like we’re never doing enough. When the discouragement gets really overwhelming, we can easily find ourselves in a bad day. When this happens, I like to remind myself that bad days happen for a reason. We need to know what a difficult day is like in order to appreciate the ones that are actually really good. This affirmation is also our cue to give ourselves some grace and remember that a bad day does not equal a bad life.

11. I deserve rest.

During the airplane safety demonstration, they always instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you. The same goes for parenting. You are of no use to your family if you’re running on fumes. You can’t help your kids make good decisions, respond to them with patience and empathy, or model healthy self-care if you’re a sleep-deprived zombie on a regular basis.

You’re not obligated to be at every school function, orchestra concert, or soccer game. Maybe you and your partner divide and conquer. Maybe you skip something altogether. Either way, once in a while we all need to pause and refuel before jumping back into the marathon.

12. I am grateful.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed, I find it really difficult to appreciate the small things among all the hustle and bustle of a busy season. Every now and then, we need to be reminded of all of the blessings we have—but that’s not to say we should minimize our struggles, either. Rather, we can intentionally spend time being thankful for the small things and big things alike. Speaking this appreciation will make it easier and easier to internalize it and see the good in every day.

13. I can choose to be happy.

In that same realm is this affirmation that reminds us we alone are in control of our happiness. When we realize that happiness is a choice that is always in our control, we take the power away from outside factors. This is not to say that we will be happy 100% of the time—instead, we can use this as a cue to find the good in the bad, stressful, and mundane.

14. I am the best mom for my children.

Playing the comparison game can easily lead us down a dark rabbit hole. We start to see moms who can “do it all” (which, spoiler alert, no one can). Then we’re led to believe that everyone else is doing a better job than we are. That’s where the second-guessing starts rolling in. Am I doing enough? Why can’t motherhood be as effortless for me as it is for her? Would my kids be better off with a different mom? The answer to the last one is an absolute no. There’s no one out there who would do a better job at raising our kids than us. Every now and then, hearing a reminder like that can be the words of encouragement we need.

15. I will find joy and laughter in today.

When we get into ‘get it done’ mode, it can be tough to enjoy the process. We can give ourselves a nudge with this affirmation that there is joy everywhere. Whether it’s our kids telling a story over breakfast, or cracking a joke on the way to school, when we intentionally look for it, we can always find a reason to smile. Plus, we’ll never regret spending time laughing with our kiddos.

16. I am proud of what my body can do.

A hand to hold, a lap to snuggle in, arms to carry all the things—every mom’s body does incredible things every day. It’s important to take an occasional pause to remind ourselves that our body deserves our gratitude and respect for all the amazing things it can do.

17. I am a positive role model to my kids.

We have the opportunity to show their kids what a positive role model looks like. When we do our best, we encourage our kids to do their best. Each and every day, we have opportunities to give our kids someone to look up to. We can do so in the way we work, rest, and play.

18. I will talk to myself like I would a friend.

When we really think about it, the way we talk to our friends is often with much more compassion and kindness than we give ourselves. Imagine if we give ourselves the same kind of praise and encouragement we give to others. We would likely have a lot more motivation to tackle challenging tasks, and a better ability to show up as our best selves. Let’s take the time to remember to speak to ourselves with the same respect and adoration we give others.

19. Each day, I am learning.

Motherhood, and life in general, is a learning process. And how do we know when we’re growing? By taking the lessons life gave to us yesterday and bettering our tomorrow for ourselves and our kids. This also serves as a great reminder to not fixate on past mistakes but to learn from them.

20. I’m a good mom.

Chances are if you’re worrying about whether you’re a good mom, you already are. It’s easy to get caught up in criticizing our shortcomings instead of focusing on all the ways we love and care for our families—especially when everyone around us (i.e., everyone on social media) seems to be super-momming so effortlessly. And while we know in our brains that social media is curated to show the best of people, it’s sometimes still hard to shake the anxiety feeling that in comparison, we’re falling short. But the bar is only as high as we choose to set it, and our failures are only as important as the energy we choose to give them.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Therapists.

 

 

Article Written by Caitlin Weaver and Brett Nicole Hayden of The Every Mom

Learn how to cope with anxiety by working with a therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

Avoid or Redirect? Know the Difference for Better Coping with Anxiety

We’ve all heard it before: compulsions equal bad. You have to face your fear to overcome it. Running away and avoiding your fear will only make it worse.

You may have also heard it is important to redirect your energies toward a life of personal value and meaning.

But, when is it avoidance, and when is it redirection?

Traditional Treatment for Anxiety Disorder

To understand the avoidance vs. redirection discussion, you first have to know the therapeutic framework.

Treatment for anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety spectrum disorders, including social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorders, and specific phobias, will usually take the form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention (ERP).

In a nutshell, CBT is concerned with your thoughts (cognitions) and your actions (behaviors). To start, CBT will have you look at your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself about the situation you are in and see if you can think about them more logically. If you can think about them differently then you can do something different about those situations and respond to your thoughts and the outside world in more reasonable and adaptive ways. This last is the behavioral part.

Exposure and Response Prevention fits into this behavioral part. ERP helps you to slowly and thoughtfully get closer to your fears (exposure), while intentionally resisting compulsive or unhelpful behaviors (response prevention).

Avoidance as an Unhelpful Behavior

Along with reassurance seeking, rumination, and rituals, avoidance is one of those compulsive and maladaptive coping skills that prevent people from effectively facing their fears and learning that they can handle anxiety and uncertainty. Simultaneously, people see that their worst fear is really unlikely to happen. When you avoid uncomfortable situations or thoughts, you also avoid the opportunity to learn from them and grow from your lived experiences.

It’s like physical exercise. When you avoid it, you don’t get stronger.

ERP would have you face your fears and learn to endure the momentary discomfort and ride the fluctuating wave of anxiety up to its peak until it comes down back to baseline. In this process, you see that anxiety did not kill you, that you were strong enough to endure the wonky experience and discover what actually happens (usually nothing, in the best way).

Avoidance is a ploy to not feel uncomfortable or not have an unwanted experience.

Suppression is avoidance’s aggressive twin. Suppression can include thoughts, feelings, mental images, or physical sensations. This is the intentional effort of stuffing a feeling down or shoving it out of your experience. It’s exhausting and ultimately does not work. For example, don’t think about a white elephant: How’s that going?

What Is Redirection?

Redirection is a deliberate effort to place your attention and energy on actions, thoughts, or interactions that are more meaningful and important to you at the moment.

In fact, I bet you already do this. Have you ever been in class and gotten distracted by a thought of the cute redhead, then try to refocus back on the teacher? Or ever been in a meeting and start dreaming of that vacation you’re going on, and then catch yourself, and try to get your head back in the meeting? That’s redirection.

They Are not the Same

Avoidance and redirection have similarities, but knowing their differences can be a turning point for you in treatment.

They both seemingly place less emphasis on a specific thought, but that’s where they stop their similarities.

Avoidance, along with its twin suppression, are a futile attempt to pretend as if the unwanted experience does not exist. You deceive yourself with the hope that just not thinking about the feeling, thought, or mental image will make it go away and that you’ll feel better.

To be fair, it may feel better for a moment, but remember that white elephant exercise? Efforts to avoid or suppress only amplify the thought, make it more important, and ensure that it sticks in the mind and body longer.

On the other hand, redirection acknowledges the presence of the thought and feeling and elevates the importance of another thought or action over the unwanted one. Redirection does not seek to destroy unwanted thoughts. Instead, it affirms the importance of something else and pursues it with gentle interest and commitment.

It’s like adopting a dog at the pound. You don’t have to have all the other dogs put down in order to adopt the dog you want. You just say, “Hey, I’ll take that one,” and let the other ones be adopted by other people, while they slowly drift from your memory.

We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual therapy and online therapy services for anxiety treatment.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Article By: Kevin Foss, LCSW

Couple who's happy because they seek marital counseling at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

2 Ways to Exit a ‘Peter Pan and Wendy’ Relationship Dynamic

Many people come to therapy when they feel their relationship is overburdened with immaturity. They may say things like:

“My partner does not know how to take care of himself and depends on me for everything. It is almost as if I am his mother, and I have to look after his childlike needs.”

“My partner struggles to establish a functional, long-term plan for his life as an adult.”

“We’ve been dating for so long now, but my boyfriend doesn’t like to label our relationship. It seems like he has commitment fear.”

If you relate to the statements above, chances are you’re in a relationship with a “Peter Pan” type personality.

Often characterized as “the boy who never grows up,” people, mostly men, displaying a Peter Pan-like personality can make maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship difficult. According to one study, people afflicted with this syndrome find it hard to express their emotions, avoid listening to their partner, and shirk basic relationship responsibilities.

A recent study lists five key markers of Peter Pan Syndrome, which include:

Emotional paralysis. Dulled emotions or an inability to express feelings in appropriate ways.

Slowness in action. Being apathetic, procrastinating in tasks, and frequently being late.

Avoidance of responsibility. Avoiding accountability for their mistakes and blaming others.

Mother-like expectations from partners. Difficulty with maternal relationships and treating future romantic partners as mother figures.

-Tensed relationship with father figures. Feelings of distance from one’s father and trouble with male authority figures.

Much like in the children’s story, the female counterparts in these relationships, known as the “Wendy,” often enable Peter Pan to continue living a life without responsibility. They might do this by making decisions on their behalf, cleaning up after them, or offering relentless emotional support without getting anything in return.

Unfortunately, those who fall into the “Wendy” role may not even realize it. This can naturally cause abrasion in relationships and negatively affect the quality of the partnership.

Here are two ways to manage a Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome in your relationship.

1. Help them get a grip on adulthood.

Desiring changes to how a person currently functions through slow and measured steps can help two people in a relationship transform for the better.

As much as we like to say we love people for who they are, remember that at least a little bit of give and take and gradual improvement is necessary for a romantic relationship to flourish.

However, handling the “man-child” of a relationship can be tricky. Fencing them in can suffocate their needs for freedom and play. It’s often better to communicate and advocate for your own needs and desires in the relationship while also allowing them time and space to act in accordance with them.

Do not forget to celebrate your partner’s efforts every step of the way by showing them appreciation and affection. Hold them accountable for what they say they will do and focus on small victories rather than massive behavioral overhauls.

2. Stall your enabling behaviors.

Ending enabling behaviors, like tidying up after them every time they make a mess, getting their car cleaned, or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change. Keep in mind that expecting drastic changes is unrealistic. No change can happen overnight. You will have to be patient while you wait to see changes in your partner’s behaviors. Consider these questions while attempting to back out of your enabling behavior.

-Are my actions helping or hurting me in the long run?
-Is it worth shouldering all the responsibilities of a relationship alone?
-Am I truly happy and satisfied in this relationship?
-Can I ignore my current frustration in the grand scheme of things?

Never ask your partner to change who they are. After all, that’s probably the reason you fell in love with them in the first place.

However, it is reasonable to expect people to mature and improve themselves over time. If you feel your partner is perpetually stuck in a juvenile phase and is unable or unwilling to bring about any of the changes you are asking for, you might consider seeking out a new partner whose goals and behaviors are more congruent with yours.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to improve your relationship.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation!

Happy woman with great mental health

31 Ways to Beat The Blues

A happiness tip-a-day keeps the blues away…

Happiness expert Andy Cope, author of The Little Book of Emotional Intelligence offers 31 brilliant tips to keep us thinking positively as 2023 begins…

  1. Mondays are bad and Fridays good. Really? The average life span is 4000 weeks and a seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. Flip your thinking. Friday is, in fact, another week closer to death, while Monday is an opportunity to make a dent in the universe. Mondays…. bring ‘em on!
  1. Upgrade your knickers so every bit of underwear oozes confidence. Stop saving your special pants for a special occasion and wake up to the fact that life is the ultimate special occasion.
  1. Be a hugger. The average hug lasts 2.1 seconds but for the love to transfer a hug needs to last 7 seconds or longer (but warned, counting out loud spoils the effect).
  1. Be a lover not a hater. It’s so easy to be negative, and join in the barrage of hate on social media. Go with Michelle Obama; ‘when they go low, you go high’
  1. Do an act of kindness for someone else. This can be as simple as letting someone out in the traffic or buying flowers for the bus driver.
  1. If you have small children practice what Gretchen Rubin calls ‘gazing lovingly’. This means downing tools at the end of the evening and standing at your children’s bedroom door, watching them sleep (the modern world dictates that you only ever do this with your own kids and there is an age limit of 10. After that, the general rule is that you NEVER go in your kids’ bedrooms, just in case!)
  1. Practice the 10/5 principle; smile at everyone who comes within 10 feet of you and make eye contact & say ‘hi’ to everyone within 5 feet.
  1. Say nice things about people behind their back. This is a double-whammy because it gets back to them plus people think you’re a lovely person (which, of course, you are).
  1. Write a list of 10 things you really appreciate but take for granted. ‘Health’ and ‘relationships’ will almost certainly be on there. Stop taking them for granted!
  1. Every morning, appreciate that you don’t have toothache and that your kidneys are working. Being able to get out of bed is the best thing ever (linked to point 9).
  1. Write a list of the top 10 happiest moments of your life and you’ll realize that most of the things on the list are ‘experiences’ rather than ‘products’. Set a goal to have more experiences.
  1. Think of someone who has really helped you (given you time or supported you). Write them a letter, from the heart, that says how wonderful they are and what they mean to you. Read it to them.
  1. Instead of asking your partner/kids ‘how was your day?’ change the words and ask (with enthusiasm), ‘what was the highlight of your day?’ Then listen with genuine enthusiasm.
  1. Walk tall and put a smile on your face (not an inane grin, you will scare people!) Your brain will immediately think you are happy and you’ll feel a whole lot better.
  1. Change your aim. Stop setting your sights on ‘getting through the week’ or ‘surviving until my next holiday’. Raise your game. Set your aim to ‘enjoy the week’ or ‘to inspire people.’
  1. Write down your top 5 personal strengths. Be aware of them and start seeing opportunities to play to them more often.
  1. Reduce your moaning and always remind yourself it’s a 1st world problem.
  1. Watch out for the 90/10 principle. This states that 10% of your happiness depends on things that happen to you while a whopping 90% depends on how you react to these events. Make a conscious choice to be positive.
  1. When setbacks occur, ask yourself, where is this issue on a scale of 1 – 10 (where 10 is death). If it is death, you are allowed to feel down. Anything else, get over it.
  1. Most people have an internal voice that is very critical. Challenge it. When your inner voice is telling you you’re an idiot, firmly disagree. Find a positive inner voice (note, this conflict is best done in silence in your head. And if you have lots of inner voices, you need to see your GP).
  1. Spend less time on electronic friends and more time with real flesh and blood ones.
  1. Praise your children for effort rather than ability. For example, if they get a good grade in Math, don’t say ‘Genius, you are the next Einstein.’ Do say, ‘Brilliant! That shows what you can achieve with hard work.’
  1. Practice the 4-minute rule; that is, be your best self for the first 4 minutes of arriving at work, being in a meeting, getting home, etc. Your brilliance is infectious.
  1. Lose the word ‘try’. Instead of setting a resolution of ‘I’m going to try and lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to try and get a bit fitter,’ go with ‘I’m going to lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to get fitter.’ Yoda was spot on when he said, ‘Do or do not, there is no ‘try.’
  1. Appreciate that your happiness is bigger than you. It has a ripple effect and infects people 3 degrees removed from you.
  1. Read a bedtime story to your kids like it was the most exciting book in the world (note, it is doubly important for sons to see their dads reading books).
  1. Reframe situations. For example, a leaking gutter means you have a house; paying tax means you have some income; your teenage son spending hours on his X-Box means he’s not wandering the streets, etc. However, don’t overdo reframing otherwise you become Pollyanna; ‘Whoopee, grandma’s dead, what a fabulous opportunity for a funeral and some lovely sandwiches.’
  1. Rather than a New Year’s resolution, set yourself a HUGG (huge unbelievably great goal); this is something that is massive and that inspires you (to write your novel, to run a marathon, to be the best Mom in the world, etc).
  1. Ask yourself, if there was a version of you sitting on a cloud, watching you go about your tasks today, what advice would the ‘cloud you’ give the ‘earthly you’? How would they say you should walk, talk, think and behave? Take that advice.
  1. Be genuinely interested in other people (ask loads of questions about them). In a bizarre twist of quantum psychology, people will find you insanely interesting.
  1. Make sure that you use more positive than negative language. The ratio needs to be about 5 positives for every negative, so catch people doing things well and tell them.

 

 

Want to learn more about finding happiness? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.

Person seeking grief counseling from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Tools To Reset Grief’s Anger

Grief and anger are often aligned. Anger is one phase within the theme of grief that is alarmingly unpredictable, erratic, and, when unexpressed, can eat up the interior of the gut.

The Grief Experience

Grief, a response to a loss of someone or something, creates an untenable yearning for what you’ve lost. Both anger and grief are unchosen experiences, sneaking up on you, often without warning, only creating responses leading to internal and external emotional combustibility.

Avoid Crushing Your Comfortable Ordinary

Think about this combustibility like a big bang that goes off and affects your mind, body, and psyche. Acting in consort, these two aspects do a great job at crushing any sense of normalcy. Or what I like to refer to as your comfortable “ordinary.” Together, they have the ability to overwhelm the senses, all the while creating emotional responses that are often unrecognizable. You may hear yourself saying “Did I just say or do that?” and, yet, all of it is part of life, part of loving, part of being.

As hard as you try, ignoring what comes up only works for a short time before it starts to come out sideways. What I mean by that is that your body or mind can feel out of it, as they hold the unspoken and hidden angers and grief.

How to Tame the Tiger of Anger and Grief

Acknowledge their presence. When you do that simple step, you create the necessary healing moves needed to feel better. It is getting to yes—I see you, I know you are there, and I can’t sleep you away, eat you away, or drink you away.

I know I can’t pretend anymore. It’s taking me away from me and the life I want to live.

Anger

Here are two questions to begin your intimate adventure into the relationship between anger and grief:

Why is anger one of the anchors in the phases of grief?
Why is it hard to temper its potency?
Like food, anger is an essential element to the core of our being. It’s primal. It’s an aspect of survival. In small doses, or when it shows up to support one’s primal survival mode, anger pushes at that which is unwanted or threatening to our sense of self. Grief is often an immobilizing experience. Anger interrupts the immobilization often inherent in the grieving process. Honor it, express it with intent to change the undermining status quo of grief, and stop being enveloped by the vortex of quicksand when long-haul grief is present.

Anger can awaken you out of complacency.
Anger can show you how you care more than you realize.
Anger can make you feel alive, especially when in the muck of grief.
Anger can expel feelings of anxiety.
Anger can be a powerful ally.
Anger Is Not Rage

For someone who has not expressed anger, and has kept it within themselves, its expression can feel like rage. Rage is blinding and binding and out of control.

Angry outbursts create combustible environments for anyone on the receiving end of a tirade. Often difficult to control, anger builds up when you’re not being true to yourself. It’s easy to want to blame others for the grief you feel. Usually, the grief you feel is not anyone’s fault. The experience of a loss is driven by the crude awakening that you are in this alone. It is your lone journey, and no one understands it the way you do.

Before lacing into someone, stop for a moment, take a breath, and reexamine the situation. Follow these next steps, and your anger and grief will be heard and tangled with so you can gain self-control and solace.

5 Tools to Re-regulate the Self When Anger and Grief Are Present

Hint: They do require your presence!

Survey is the first of The Three S’s, survey, stop, and select. It is important to mark what happens in your body and in your mind when the anger starts to emerge. There are warning signs, and they are most likely quite familiar to you. Identify the warning signs of grief and anger—hands sweaty, don’t feel heard by a friend, no appetite, angry at small things. Awareness is the first step to change. This is a body and mind scan.
Body is tight
Jaw hurts
Belly aches
Mind is racing
Mind unable to concentrate
Cold or hot sensations
These signs inform you of a danger zone of anger. Temper the experience by imagining the outcome. Is it the outcome you really want?

2. Now it’s time for the action of Stop, the second of The Three S’s. Stop is an interrupter. First say, “Stop it!” Take in a breath and release it and then:

Drink water
Leave the room
Call a friend
Listen to music
These seemingly innocuous interventions cause the brain to change the anger response it’s locked into. Awareness is the first step to change.

3. Select is the final of The Three S’s. You select the next action based on the preferred outcome.

Keep a journal or notebook with you to create a dreamscape depicting a different outcome: “I am angry about ____________ and this is what I can do about it _____________________________.”
I am alone in my grief, and I need to find support other than friends and family.
4. Learn to breathe. Sounds funny since breathing keeps the body alive, but this is a different type of breath. In five-second intervals, breathe in through your nose, hold the breath, and breathe out through your mouth. Do this exercise five times before letting loose. This will calm the nervous system and create a shift in the ways your mind and body are interacting with the anger response. Practice breathing even when not needed. It will be of greater use when the body knows the rhythm of the breathing exercise.

5. Get smart! Know the self. Your previous behavior is filled with chunky nuggets of information.

What are you yearning for? Name the points of hunger (what feels empty) and desire (what you want or need).

What helped you tame the anger and listen to the temperament of grief? Create a list of feelings that were specific to that occurrence.

Identify the following potential emotional responses that led to the anger and grief response. Jealousy? Regret? Sadness? Lack of control? The list of emotions is endless.

Do this and the conversation between the angry self and the yearning self (grief) will emerge.

The tough emotions of anger and grief are potentially unexpected allies. They will change you through an awakening process that is not chosen yet shifts the status quo into movement and emotional calibration and grace.

Looking for more help working through your GRIEF? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Article By: Edy Nathan of Psychology Today

Confident woman who seeks therapy at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Ways Almost Everyone Misunderstands Emotions

Our emotions provide valuable data, but there are some ways virtually everyone misinterprets their emotions. This can lead to mismanaging your emotions or the situation they occur in. When you become aware of these, you can adjust so that you’re calmer and more effective.

Here are five common mistakes:

1. We think our emotions relate to the current situation when they relate to the past. Humans are learning machines. We don’t react to new situations as if we’ve never experienced the world before. We react based on all our prior learning experiences.

When we often experience an instinctive emotional reaction, that reaction isn’t just about the current circumstance we’re facing. We react to the ways right now reminds us of our past experiences.

When we feel big emotions, they can represent our body trying to protect us from events that already concluded long ago. For example, when you feel angry or slighted, your body might be trying to protect you from a time you weren’t respected or understood in the past, even if you are being respected and understood now.

Sometimes we feel shame in new situations due to memories of how we acted unskillfully in the past, even if we act skillfully now.

2. We assume other people’s emotions relate to us and the current situation. This is a similar point. When someone reacts emotionally, we tend to assume they’re reacting to our behavior and the current circumstance. But that person is also reacting to everything else. For example, in the work context, a reaction you get from a fellow human might be influenced by everything from their childhood experiences to the difficult interaction they had with their last customer to the email their boss sent yesterday about their organization’s current priorities to the micro-aggression they experienced on the subway that morning. All those triggers mix to determine the other person’s reaction to you.

This issue comes up a lot at work and also in romantic relationships. In couples, people often react in ways that relate to protecting themselves from past pain, whether from childhood or prior relationships.

3. We think emotions are a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions. Our culture tends to be comfort-obsessed. For example, if we feel hot, we expect to be able to crank our AC to remedy that. If the mattress we buy isn’t perfect, we return it. This comfort obsession also involves our emotions. We automatically see difficult emotions as a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions.

The problem is this: Much of what we instinctively do to reduce our distress makes our difficult emotions bigger. Even when we can “successfully” quell our big feelings, the cost is that those emotions, and the types of situations that trigger them, loom larger and larger in our lives. We end up devoting a lot of energy to avoiding certain emotions, which can get in the way of having the energy to devote to our other values. (If you’re anxiety-prone and managing anxiety is taking up too much of your life, check out these solutions.)

4. We usually fixate on only one emotion (and underplay what else we’re feeling and doing). Many of us have one dominant emotion (read more here). For example, some people rarely notice feeling angry but constantly notice feeling anxious, or the reverse.

Try using the word “and” more when you talk or think about your emotions. For instance, we rarely acknowledge when happy emotions occur alongside negative ones. For example, I’m pregnant, and I feel nervous about labor, and I feel excited about my baby.

It can also be useful to notice when multiple difficult emotions occur together, like “I feel anxious, and I feel angry.” Acknowledging multiple emotions can help you see a broader range of reactions you could choose from. Feeling anxious may not propel you to stand up to injustice, but noticing your anger might.

Third, you can acknowledge your emotions and behavior together, such as, “I feel anxious, and I’m doing competent, skillful behavior.”

5. We see emotions as either reasonable or unreasonable, justified or unjustified. People can suffer when they perceive they’re experiencing an emotion the situation doesn’t justify. For example, if you feel fearful or angry in a situation that doesn’t make everyone feel that way, you might think, “I shouldn’t be so scared of this.” Or, “I shouldn’t be so bothered by this. What’s wrong with me?” When this happens, you might conclude you’re not a mentally strong or skillful person, which doesn’t help you confidently choose a path forward.

It’s usually healthier to accept whatever you or someone else feels without judging whether it’s justified. This can help you become more curious about your own and others’ emotional worlds and less judgmental at the same time.

Which of these mistakes in interpreting emotions do you make? How might correcting these mistakes help you feel calmer and more skillful in managing your life and relationships? How could changing your approach to your emotions help you walk your values? (More on why this is an optimal response to stress here.)

Article by: Alice Boyes, Ph.D of Psychology Today

Looking for more help with your emotions? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin sign

Hillary Counseling Is Moving to Milwaukee’s Third Ward

We’re EXCITED to announce that our business has outgrown our current office space. WE’RE MOVING our office to a NEW LOCATION in Milwaukee’s THIRD WARD! ⁠

We’ve been working hard to renovate a larger, multi-office loft that supports our mission, gives us the opportunity to partner with local businesses, and most importantly…serve YOU, our beloved clients.

Our new office is located in the Landmark Building, 316 N. Milwaukee Street, Suite 401. Guess what else is located here…Donut Monster, Fresh Fin and Brute Pizza. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone!

We will begin seeing clients at our new location on Tuesday, July 5, 2022.

Don’t worry, we know a lot of you have grown to LOVE the convenience and comfort of virtual therapy, so we will still continue to offer VIRTUAL SESSIONS with the option to meet IN-PERSON, as well.

For questions or details, message us at info@hillarycounseling.com. We’re excited to share our new space with you! Schedule a FREE 15-minute consult and check us out.

Woman with great body image

7 Tips For Building A Better Body Image As An Adult

When you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a window, or see yourself in a new picture that a friend posts on social media, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

Are they generally positive (I look so happy!), or more negative (Well, at least everyone else looks good)?

If they are positive, that’s great! But if they’re not, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle to feel happy with the way that we look, especially when it comes to our bodies.

While getting older may bring with it a certain sense of self-acceptance and the ability to reject the unrealistic beauty ideals that we see around us, aging also brings with it a new set of challenges to our self-esteem. You know — the messages and products that encourage us to “minimize those wrinkles” and “cover up those grays.”

“You can be reading a magazine and on one page there’s an article about how to love yourself the way you are, and then you flip the page and there’s an ad for a diet plan or an anti-aging cream.

All of those messages can be discouraging. But making some tweaks to your thought patterns can help you get back on the road to a positive body image. Start with these ideas.

Show some appreciation

A good place to start is to refocus your self-talk. Rather than nitpicking over the appearance of your body, try recognizing and appreciating the amazing things that it does for you every day. Appreciate that your strong arms allow you to carry your child and the diaper bag and the groceries up the stairs in one trip. Or that your skilled hands prepared an amazing dinner.

Record the positives

Here’s a little homework assignment: Write down five things you love about your personality. Easy, right? You’re a great listener and incredibly giving when it comes to helping others.

Now list five things you love about your body. “For most people, it’s easier to do the first, but it’s equally important to do the second.” Putting your feelings into written words (the old fashioned way!) helps you process your thoughts and commit things to memory.

Create little reminders

Write positive affirmations, goals or words of gratitude on sticky notes or note cards and putting them in places where you’ll see them throughout the day – the bathroom mirror, your wallet or by your computer at work. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, skills and goals.

Commit to doing things that make you feel good

Life is about so much more than how we look. Yet, how we feel about our bodies can dictate our mood and our behaviors. Have you ever canceled plans when you’re feeling bad about yourself? Resist the urge. Spending time with friends who aren’t focused on body image may actually help quiet your own body dissatisfaction.

Studies also show that exercise, yoga and helping others are great self-esteem boosters.

Occupy your mind

“We have another exercise that asks people to live their life as if they had 12 months, 5 days, 1 hour or 30 seconds to live,” Dr. Peterson says.

“In these circumstances, you would most likely focus on people, places and things that you love and that make you feel good – not on how your body looks.”

Don’t fear the mirror

If you have unhappy thoughts about how you look, you might find yourself dodging anything that shows your reflection. But, “avoidance breeds avoidance.” Ignoring those unhappy feelings won’t make them go away. She suggests noticing those negative thoughts that come to mind when you see yourself in the mirror, and applying the above tactics to turn them around.

Shut down the comparison game

Comparing your own body to others’ may be the quickest way to send your self-esteem plummeting. Instead, objectively admire the good qualities you notice in other people, and make a point to compliment them – it will make both of you feel good.

Feeling good at all sizes

It’s beneficial to love your and appreciate body no matter your shape or size.

In fact, if you’re overweight and taking steps toward a healthier lifestyle, research suggests that’s even more of a reason to work on building a healthy body image.

In one study of girls who were overweight, those with the highest levels of body satisfaction gained less weight after 10 years than those who were least satisfied with their bodies. Another study found that obese women who improved their body image were also better able to self-regulate their eating.

There’s no wrong time to work on feeling more comfortable in your own skin.

Need more help?

If you ever feel that your negative body image is affecting you in a distressing or disruptive way, reach out to schedule a FREE INITIAL CONSULT with one of our body image experts, info@hillarycounseling.com!

Woman with eating disorder who is searching 'eating disorder treatment near me' on her phone

Does Emotional Avoidance Fuel Your Eating Disorder?

“It seems like I’m actually experiencing my feelings, now that I’m no longer bingeing and purging my emotions,” my client in recovery from bulimia shared.

Eating disorders are believed to be caused by a combination of factors including, genetic, temperamental, and environmental influences.

However, one thing that almost all of my clients with eating disorders have in common is difficulty in expressing, processing, and coping with their emotions.

Emotional Avoidance and Eating Disorders

Emotional avoidance, is described as actions that are intended to prevent an emotional response from occurring, such as fear, anger or sadness.

People struggling with eating disorders often turn to their eating disorder behaviors in an unconscious effort to try to help themselves to “feel better” and to cope with difficult emotions or life circumstances.

For instance, for many people struggling with anorexia, their response when it comes to coping with feelings of anxiety, sadness, or loneliness, is to restrict their food. This may give them a false sense of “control” and specialness. For individuals with bulimia, bingeing and purging provides them a momentary feeling of comfort, “control,” or relief. For people struggling with binge eating, eating often feels like “an escape,” comforting, calming, or a way to numb out.

The reality is that eating disorder behaviors often provide short-term relief or satisfaction, and long-term feelings of increased depression, loneliness, and misery.

Let Yourself Feel

Eating disorder treatment involves a variety of tools and strategies for helping clients to reclaim their lives. However, one important element is helping them to learn how to identify, process, and cope with their emotions in ways that align with their life values.

Many of my clients struggle with being able to sit with themselves and their emotions. Often eating disorder behaviors are used as a way to try to regulate or distract from intense emotions.

I often say to clients that trying to suppress our emotions, is kind of like trying to hold a beach ball under water. It takes a lot of effort and eventually the beach ball will fly up above the water with force.

As a culture, we are often not taught to express our emotions. However, emotions serve important functions in our lives, as they are signals of things that we need to pay attention to.

There is a quote that I love from Norah Wynne, which says “Feelings will not kill you. No one has ever died from experiencing an emotion, but people have died trying to stuff them down.”

It’s important to share with clients that their eating disorder behaviors are often coping strategies that they are using to try to regulate their emotions. These behaviors may have helped them to get through some difficult and traumatic times, however they are also no longer serving them.

With treatment and support, people with eating disorders can learn how to heal their relationships with themselves, food, and their bodies.

They can also learn how to express and process their emotions, without the constant strain of trying to suppress or run from their feelings. Part of living a meaningful life is being able to experience all of one’s emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.

One of the great privileges of doing this work is being able to see the light return into someone’s eyes, for them to be exploring their true passions and interests, for their brain space to be no longer ruled with thoughts about food and their body. Full recovery and living according to your true values, is completely possible.

An assignment to put this into practice:

What emotions (if any) are you trying to push down, avoid, or distract from?
What behaviors are you using to try not to experience this emotion?
How is doing so serving you, and how is it not serving you?
What would be on healthy way that you could process the emotions that you are experiencing, i.e. writing, an alterbook, talking to a friend, drawing, talking to a therapist?

Article By: Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C,Founder of The Eating Disorder Center