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Relationship Tool…How Conflict Helps You Understand Your Partner

The purpose of conflict is to more fully understand your partner.

Does this sound familiar? You think the conflict is about who is going to pick up your child after school. It’s going to be a simple decision—it’s either you or your partner. But, somehow, there is no simple resolution. The conflict seems bigger than that. It feels like something deeper is going on for one or both of you.

The conflict
Let’s use this scenario as an example:

Sam and Chris are discussing who is going to pick up their daughter from school. Sam says to Chris, “I can pick her up after school today.”

Chris says, “No, I’d like to pick her up.”

Sam comes back with, “You’re so busy at work today and I have the day off. I’m happy to do it.”

Chris persists, “You should enjoy your day off. I can fit it into my work day.”

They go back and forth like this for a while.

When the resolution for the conflict feels like it should be easier than it turns out to be, that is the indicator that there might be some dreams within the conflict at play. Step back and go deeper to the dream level.

Questions to gain understanding
To get there, Sam and Chris can ask each other these kinds of questions:

“Can you tell me what makes this important to you?”
“Does this relate to your background in some way?”
“Is there a deeper purpose or goal for you about picking up our child at school?”
“What do you feel about it?”
“What is your wish in this situation? What is your need?”
“What will happen if your dream isn’t honored?”

Chris might share that when they were growing up, Chris’s parents weren’t involved in the daily school pick=up. Perhaps because of this, Chris feels distant from their parents. Chris has decided to parent differently.

Sam might share concerns about Chris’s job stability and doesn’t want to interrupt Chris’s workday when Sam could do the pick-up without intruding on work. Sam might further express a craving for financial security because that was absent from Sam’s childhood.

Dreams within conflict
Consider two things. First, relationships are not better if they are free of conflict, and in fact, all relationships have some sort of conflict in them. Second, the purpose of conflict is not resolution. The purpose of conflict is to more fully understand your partner.

With this conflict definition, understanding each other’s dreams within the conflict can lead to a successful conflict outcome.

Learning to recognize when there is this deeper dream level in a conflict will allow you to explore the dreams within the conflict and then move through the conflict more easily and peacefully.

Sam and Chris now understand each other’s perspectives more fully. Even if they still disagree, they’ve deepened their understanding of one another, they’ve grown closer, and they can come to a solution.

Article By: Jennifer Pesetky of The Gottman Institute

5 Ways Perfectionism and Depression Feed Off Each Other

Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait characterized by efforts toward and desires for flawlessness. Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves, others, or both. Although perfectionism can boost performance in some cases, it often undermines the achievement of goals when people succumb to highly critical attitudes.

Understanding Different Types of Perfectionism
In a recent study entitled “Is Perfectionism a Vulnerability Factor for Depressive Symptoms, a Complication of Depressive Symptoms, or Both?” (2021), Smith and colleagues conducted a meta-analysis of a multitude of studies on perfectionistic concerns and perfectionistic strivings to determine in what way perfectionism and depression feed off of each other. Perfectionistic concerns center on the belief that perfection is required of oneself, shading into obsession.

Those with high perfection concerns overreact to errors, often second-guess their actions, experience discrepancy between their actual self and their ideal self, and fear disapproval from others. On the other hand, perfectionistic striving is associated with self-oriented perfectionism. This person typically holds lofty goals and has internalized expectations of success and productivity; this may be associated with higher achievement.

Unpacking the Links Between Depression and Perfectionism
Although there have been previous studies investigating links between perfectionism and depressive symptoms, it’s unclear exactly in what ways they connect.

A meta-review was conducted in order to reveal how these two factors are linked. Is perfectionism a vulnerability for depressive symptoms? A complication? Both? Many of the studies that have been done on perfectionism and depressive symptoms have assumed the way in which the two are linked instead of testing how they are linked.

Vulnerability for depressive symptoms means that perfectionism could increase the risk of clinical depression, whereas perfectionism as a complication of depressive symptoms means that perfectionism may overlap with and be amplified by depression symptoms. Awareness of the effects that perfectionism and depressive symptoms have on each other, which can lead to a vicious cycle, is of benefit for better understanding and coping with both depression and perfectionism.

The study found key relationships between various aspects of perfectionism, and depression, including:

1. Perfectionistic concerns can lead to increased depressive symptoms over time.

Perfectionist concerns conferred vulnerability for increased depressive symptoms over time. Perfectionist concerns lead people to think, feel, and behave in ways conducive to depressive symptoms. Perfectionistic concerns—including being overly critical towards the self or overreacting to mistakes—create the opportunity for depressive symptoms to creep in and take over.

2. People higher in perfectionistic concerns perceive and encounter more negative social interactions.

People with elevated perfectionist concerns perceive and encounter more negative social interactions, which often leads to social disconnection and, in turn, depressive symptoms. They also are at risk for depressive symptoms due to a propensity to generate—and respond poorly to—stress. Overall, expecting nothing less than perfection from yourself can set you up for failure; this translates to how stress is handled and can negatively infect interactions with others.

3. People high in perfectionistic concerns may see themselves as having less emotional control.

For many people with high perfectionistic concerns, experiencing depressive symptoms itself may be seen as a failure of emotional control. This translates into additional pressures to meet expectations and heightened concerns about failures and making mistakes. Depression can easily influence the person and their emotions, translating into a loss of control over the self which goes against the notion of being perfect.

4. Unrealistic goals can lead to a higher frequency of perceived failures.

Failure doesn’t seem like an option to many perfectionists—and if it does happen, it can alter the perfectionist’s view of themself. Unrealistic goals that people high in perfectionistic striving strive towards, such as needing to be the best at everything, can lead to a higher frequency of perceived failures and a lower frequency of perceived successes.

5. People with self-oriented perfectionism are more vulnerable to depressive symptoms.

The study found that self-oriented perfectionism was associated with an increased vulnerability for depressive symptoms. On the other hand, perfectionism did not appear to be a complication of depression. In other words, those who fit the “perfectionistic striving” definition of perfectionism may be vulnerable to depressive symptoms, but the reverse did not appear to be true: that is, it’s unlikely to develop perfectionistic striving as a result of depression.

How to Break the Cycle of Perfectionism and Depression
Smith et al (2021) found that perfectionism and depression often constitute a destructive vicious cycle. Perfectionistic concerns leave us both vulnerable to depression and are driven by depression.

As with any research, there are limitations. There is a lack of research on the role perfectionism takes in diagnosed depressive disorders. This study used self-report measures that could be inaccurate or distorted; this is especially true when studying perfectionistic people. Prospective studies with different treatment arms, looking at interventions and outcomes rather than looking back at self-report measures, are likely required to understand more fully what might bring relief.

People with perfectionistic concerns become locked into a cruel loop in which obsession drives depression and especially low self-esteem and helplessness, which in turn intensifies maladaptive perfectionism coping strategies. Learning strategies to reduce self-criticism and ease unrealistic expectations, including psychotherapy and meditation-based approaches including self-compassion practice, can help to interrupt maladaptive thought patterns and shift toward a kinder, gentler attitude toward oneself and others.

Treating depression, likewise, can ease perfectionism by removing many of the drivers of perfectionistic concern. Generally shifting one’s mindset over time, with broad attitudes and values as well as changing day-to-day habits, can change the world and the way we live in it.

Want more help with your perfectionism? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation.Let us help you “Live A Life You Love.”

Article By: Emma Newman of Pscyhology Today

Join Our Team…Looking For A Licensed Mental Health Therapist In Wisconsin (LCSW, LPC, LMFT, Psy.D)

At Hillary Counseling, we believe in a better future for mental health. Delivering an exceptional experience for our clients begins with creating an exceptional experience for our team.

We are deeply passionate about the integrity of our work, providing excellence in delivery of care, and advocating for social change. Through our efforts, the environment here supports wellness; our practice is a rewarding place to work as well as an excellent place to receive care.

Our growing team is comprised of highly skilled and motivated professionals who share a vision, treat clients with respect and compassion, and aspire to serve our community by creating an inclusive environment where clients find fulfillment, improve health and develop greater meaning in their lives.

As professionals, we are committed to collaboration and investing in one another’s clinical, professional, and personal development. Valuing connection and relationships, we offer support, feedback and insight during our monthly consultation meetings and weekly check-ins.

Hillary Counseling is seeking an independently-licensed clinician (LCSW, LCPC, LMFT, Psy.D.) who specializes in working with INDIVIDUALS AND/OR COUPLES. Our clients are a diverse population of students and young professionals who are high-functioning and motivated to improve their lives.

Therapists with niche specialities are encouraged to apply, as well.

Job Details:

Position Title: Part-time Psychotherapist, Independent Contractor

Primary Job Description: To provide counseling to individuals and couples with a broad range of mental health issues, including: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, life transitions, personal growth, and relationship improvement.

**COVID-19 considerations: All therapy is currently virtual through our Telehealth platform, FaceTime or phone.

Starting Date: August/September 2021

Location: Currently remote. Post pandemic this position will be a hybrid of telemedicine and in-person sessions. A 100% remote position (providing tele-therapy sessions from home) is also an option for therapists who are licensed in the state of WI.

Compensation: $80 – $110 per client session, dependent on qualifications and experience. 

Responsibilities:

  • Meeting with clients for initial consultation sessions to formulate a psychosocial assessment and determine eligibility for services.
  • Creating and implementing treatment plans for every client.
  • Submitting progress notes and charting documentation within one business day of sessions.
  • Collaborating with other providers, including previous treatment team, psychiatrists, family, school staff, and community providers to coordinate care and advocate for clients’ needs.
  • Making referrals to agencies and community resources.
  • Attending weekly supervision and monthly case consultation meetings.
  • Assisting with creative and administrative tasks as needed such as social media and marketing.
  • Marketing yourself to grow a referral base and recognition within the community.

Requirements: 

  • MUST BE A LICENSED MENTAL HEALTH CLINICIAN (LCSW, LCPC, LMFT, Psy.D.) in the state of Wisconsin.
  • Minimum of 2 years clinical experience.
  • Must carry current professional malpractice liability insurance of at least $1,000,000/$3,000,000.
  • Must be accurate and timely in submitting billing at the end of every session.
  • Must be timely in submitting case notes within one business day.
  • Must be able to respond to all client referrals and needs via email and phone within 24 hours.
  • Must have strong organizational and time management skills.

What We Provide:

  • Full integration into www.hillarycounseling.com
  • Profile on Psychology Today 
  • Business Cards
  • Business email address
  • Client Referrals
  • Credit card processing and accounting services for your clients
  • Comfortable and tastefully decorated office space
  • Office supplies needed for completion of paperwork
  • Materials for therapy interventions 
  • Wi-Fi access
  • Coffee/Tea/Water service for clients
  • Supervision and case consultation
  • Competitive compensation

To Apply:

  1. Provide in written format (1) Describe your interest in this position and how your clinical experience would match with the focus of this practice. (2) Specify your availability to see clients.
  1. Send your resume in addition to any previous work/accomplishments pertinent to this position.
  1. Please note the selected candidate will be required to submit proof of degree, license, professional malpractice insurance and will be required to maintain these qualifications.

Email the above to info@hillarycounseling.com.  For more information on our practice, please check out our Website, Facebook and Instagram.

 

How to find the best therapist near you

How To Find The Best Therapist Near Me…

The first time I went to therapy, my parents chose a psychotherapist quickly (an easier decision than which mechanic to use). The way they found this nutter-butter-can-of-cashews: My first pediatrician didn’t know what to do for my all-night, every night nightmares, and so he sent me to a therapist. He thought she was good because of her seemingly impressive pedigree. And let me let them tell you as they told everyone who asked: “She did therapy on the Prime Minister from Israel.” Even at age 10, I found this bit of information troubling and logistically dubious, as we lived in a beachside suburb in Los Angeles and the Prime Minister from Israel lived in Israel.

Here are a few examples of her wacky behavior:

1. She ate cottage cheese with her mouth open during our sessions. I feel sure that her mouth full of curds gave me more nightmares.

2. She read her mail during our sessions. While I get that my 10-year-old chatter was not very stimulating, she was getting paid to listen to me and not to read what the latest edition of Readers Digest said about how to declutter your desk. Good God, do I wish I was making this stuff up.

3. I have since learned that she asked patients for rides to the airport. She never asked me for a ride, but I was only 10 and I didn’t even own a bike.

I thought, as a public service of sorts, and because I am a therapist and I write about being in therapy, it might be a good thing if I shared some thoughts about picking a therapist—should you ever find yourself in need of one—as they can be harder to find than a good mechanic.

1. Ask friends and family

Ask friends who are in therapy if they like their therapist. If they do, find out what it is they like about them and ask your friends to ask their therapists for referral lists.

2. Shop online

Google is very effective these days, in addition to Psychology Today’s Therapy Directory. When therapist shopping I would look for therapists who are not selling themselves but rather those telling you about their work and their philosophy of working with patients.

3. A picture tells a story

Take a look at therapists’ pictures on their website or Psychology Today’s Therapist Directory. Red lights for me: Therapists who use glamour shots or whose portraits seem in any way seductive. I would also steer clear of therapists who use a photo of themselves partaking in a favorite hobby or recreational activity. If you have any doubts about a therapist based on photos, I would listen to your intuition. See if you can find someone who you could easily sit across from. I am not saying your therapist needs to look like a supermodel; you just want to look at the therapist without feeling any concern or apprehension. I would heed any intuition.

4. Gender

When choosing a therapist, almost all people have an instinctive idea on gender they would prefer to work with. I don’t think there is a right or wrong when it comes to choosing which gender you prefer to work with. However, I think it can be clinically valuable to notice which gender you absolutely wouldn’t want to work with. I would make note of that and let my therapist know about my strong feelings of “no way” when considering a certain gender for a therapist.

5. Theoretical orientation

This one is really tricky. There are many theoretical orientations and I certainly cannot explain them all in one single post. Here is what I can say in a huge and gross oversimplification:

-If you believe there is an unconscious motivation for your behavior, you might want to go to a psychodynamic therapist.

-If you want to change your thoughts and you think doing that will change your life, and you don’t believe in an unconscious, then you might want a cognitive therapist.

-If you don’t ever want to talk about mom and dad and you only want the here and now then maybe narrative, behavioral, or solution-oriented therapies are something to consider.

-If you want to work on your family and not just on you, then try a family-oriented systems therapist.

-If you still have no idea at all about what orientation you might want, I would then ask the referrals you found and ask about orientation. If the therapist says, “I am an existentialist” and leaves it at that, then have her explain what that means and how you would experience that orientation. Keep asking until you find someone whose style resonates with you.

6. Contact them

When you find a therapist to contact, then reach out to them. It sounds easier than it is; I have had the numbers of therapists in my possession for weeks before I dared to reach out. Email them and ask to schedule a complimentary consultation. When you meet with this therapist, think about asking these questions:

-What is their specialty?

-Have they worked with people with your issues? Share a little about your presenting issue and see how the therapist responds.

-What is their training?

-Are they licensed? Feel free to look up the license and make sure.

-Are they now, or have they ever been, in therapy? This is a big one. Do not, repeat, do not, get into therapy with someone who hasn’t done her own work. Seeing a therapist who doesn’t do her own therapy is like going to a priest who has no relationship with God. This is a big one for me. Unless one has done her own work, she is likely to have issues that create an increased chance of boundary issues, unmanaged counter-transference, and blind spots.

-How much do sessions cost?

7. Notice

Notice how you feel during the consult with the therapist.

On your first appointment, notice how you feel when you are in the room with your new therapist. Do you feel heard when you speak? Notice how you feel in that person’s presence. Notice everything. You might not decide on the first session if the therapist is for you. It may take some time to determine if you have picked the right therapist.

If you’re feeling like the therapist you chose isn’t the best fit, it’s best to tell them what it is you’re looking for and why they aren’t the best fit for you. The therapist might have some ideas for a referral that would work for you. And sometimes that desire to not go back is motivated by some more unconscious anxieties about being in therapy. Best to discuss those, too.

Want more help finding a therapist that’s right for you? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a COMPLIMENTARY 30-minute consultation. Let us help you “Live A Life You Love!”

Article by: Traecy Cleatis of Psychology Today

'This must be the place' sign

Hillary Counseling Is Hiring A Virtual Assistant…

At Hillary Counseling, we believe in a better future for mental health. Delivering an exceptional experience for our clients begins with creating an exceptional experience for our team. We are deeply passionate about the integrity of our work, providing excellence in delivery of care, and advocating for social change. Through our efforts, the environment here supports wellness; our practice is a rewarding place to work as well as an excellent place to receive care.

Our growing team is comprised of highly skilled and motivated professionals who share a vision, treat clients with respect and compassion, and aspire to serve our community by creating an inclusive environment where clients find fulfillment, improve health and develop greater meaning in their lives.

Hillary Counseling is seeking a part-time Virtual Assistant who has a background and knowledge of the mental health field.

Responsibilities include:
-To create a safe, welcoming environment for our clients. This includes customer service, respect for privacy, and impeccable communication skills.
-To provide administrative support for our practice and our team of therapists.
-To work 10 hours per week with option to increase hours as needed.
-To respond to client inquiry voicemails and emails, answering basic questions related to scheduling, billing, and therapy.
-Scheduling all new clients with appropriate therapist who best matches their needs.
-Documenting client inquiry information in a spreadsheet.
-To verify therapist invoices and client billing every Monday morning.
-To attend monthly staffings (1 hour long) to gain an understanding of our team and each unique therapist’s strengths.
-To write monthly blog posts with inspiring content.
-To perform miscellaneous administration work as needed.

The ideal candidate will:
-Be passionate and authentic in their attitude towards quality mental health, therapy and wellness.
-Interact with clients with dignity, respect, and compassion, and provide a warm and welcoming experience as the first point of contact in serving our clients.
-Uphold the Hillary Counseling brand and model in professionalism, warmth, and ethics.
-Be able to speak on behalf of our practice with guests.
-Have knowledge of mental health software systems.
-Have excellent communication and customer service skills.
-Be detail oriented and highly organized.
-Enjoy working with a growing team of collaborative, supportive and motivated therapists.
-Be self-motivated and efficient.

Requirements:
-Undergraduate degree is minimum requirement, preferable in a related field of study
-Knowledge of HIPPA requirements, privacy and confidentiality
-Background and experience in the mental health field
-Work 10 hours per week

This is an independent contractor position, pay rate of $15-17 per hour. Graduate students are encouraged to apply. This role has potential for growth and mentorship based on the individual’s goals.

Please submit your cover letter and resume to: info@hillarycounseling.com.

Downtown Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Welcome Jacob Martinez, Milwaukee’s ACT Expert And Relationship Therapist

You should have listened to your gut, but didn’t, and now you feel stuck. Stuck in a life (relationship, career, city) that isn’t making you happy. The tricky part is…you know intuitively what changes you need to make, but are frozen by your mind, expectations, social pressure, or other responsibilities.
     As an experienced therapist, Jacob can help you create a road map to re-align your life based on what matters most. He is passionate about helping his clients cultivate a life they love.
     Jacob works with highly motivated, deep-thinking individuals who know that tomorrow is not guaranteed and are eager to live a more fulfilling life. He enjoys working with first-time therapy clients, and those who have tried therapy before, but are looking for a more action-oriented therapist who can provide specific guidance.
     Jacob also enjoys working with couples and relationship units who struggle communicating. After careful examination of the way his clients communicate, Jacob offers feedback on crafting words that are more likely to be understood by their partner. Through communication training, deeper connections and more workable solutions can be found. Jacob uses the Gottman Method for relationship counseling, a research-based approach to successful relationships.
     Ultimately, Jacob excels at helping his clients find new and different ways of coping, while moving toward what matters to them most according to their values.
Read more about Jacob on our website:
https://www.hillarycounseling.com/meet-jacob-martinez-lpc/
Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation.
Let us help you “Live A Life You Love.”
Woman reflecting in nature

There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing

At first, I didn’t recognize the symptoms that we all had in common. Friends mentioned that they were having trouble concentrating. Colleagues reported that even with vaccines on the horizon, they weren’t excited about 2021. A family member was staying up late to watch “National Treasure again even though she knows the movie by heart. And instead of bouncing out of bed at 6 a.m., I was lying there until 7, playing Words with Friends.

It wasn’t burnout — we still had energy. It wasn’t depression — we didn’t feel hopeless. We just felt somewhat joyless and aimless. It turns out there’s a name for that: languishing.

Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield. And it might be the dominant emotion of 2021.

As scientists and physicians work to treat and cure the physical symptoms of long-haul Covid, many people are struggling with the emotional long-haul of the pandemic. It hit some of us unprepared as the intense fear and grief of last year faded.

In the early, uncertain days of the pandemic, it’s likely that your brain’s threat detection system — called the amygdala — was on high alert for fight-or-flight. As you learned that masks helped protect us — but package scrubbing didn’t— you probably developed routines that eased your sense of dread. But the pandemic has dragged on, and the acute state of anguish has given way to a chronic condition of languish.

In psychology, we think about mental health on a spectrum from depression to flourishing. Flourishing is the peak of well-being: You have a strong sense of meaning, mastery and mattering to others. Depression is the valley of ill-being: You feel despondent, drained and worthless.

Languishing is the neglected middle child of mental health. It’s the void between depression and flourishing — the absence of well-being. You don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but you’re not the picture of mental health either. You’re not functioning at full capacity. Languishing dulls your motivation, disrupts your ability to focus, and triples the odds that you’ll cut back on work. It appears to be more common than major depression — and in some ways it may be a bigger risk factor for mental illness.

The term was coined by a sociologist named Corey Keyes, who was struck that many people who weren’t depressed also weren’t thriving. His research suggests that the people most likely to experience major depression and anxiety disorders in the next decade aren’t the ones with those symptoms today. They’re the people who are languishing right now. And new evidence from pandemic health care workers in Italy shows that those who were languishing in the spring of 2020 were three times more likely than their peers to be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Healthy eating

What is Healthy Eating?

Healthy Eating is about Freedom. It is about whether you feel free to choose what you are going to eat, how much, and when.

Healthy Eating is about feeling great, having energy, and keeping yourself in a “healthy” state of mind and body.

Healthy Eating is about giving yourself permission to eat because the food “tastes” good and to continue eating until you feel satisfied.

Healthy Eating is eating three meals a day plus snacks or perhaps choosing to munch along. It is having two cookies and making a free and conscious decision to eat a third for any reason—because they taste good, because they are freshly baked, how rarely you have them, or it is leaving more cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow.

Healthy Eating is being able to choose foods that provide your body with the vitamins and nutrients it needs—for ENERGY, but not being so restrictive that you miss out on pleasurable foods.

Healthy Eating is allowing yourself to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad, bored, or because it just feels good—and not beating yourself up afterwards.

Healthy Eating is overeating at times: feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. It is also under eating at times and wishing you had more.

Healthy Eating is trusting that your body will BALANCE everything out.

Healthy Eating may take some time and energy, but it should only be one small component of your life.

Ultimately, Healthy Eating is not about strict nutrition philosophies. It should be flexible, changing in response to your hunger, your emotions, your schedule and your proximity to food.

 

Saying “Oh, I’ve already ruined my good eating today; I might as well eat the whole box of cookies,” is like saying “Oh, I dropped my phone on the floor; I’ll just smash it until it breaks.”

Want help finding a better balance with your eating? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a COMPLIMENTARY 30-minute consultation. Let us help you “Live A Life You Love!”

Man hiking

Can You Train Yourself to Become a More Optimistic Person?

The brain has a natural optimism bias—we are what I call “wired for love”. This means that when we are connected to others in deep and meaningful ways, and when we are satisfied with where we are in life and where we are going (even if we have ups and downs, which are normal!), we can function at a healthy level. The brain likes it when we are in a good place!

If this is so, why does the negative seem so…overwhelming? Why do bad things and bad people tend to stick to our mind like super glue? Why is it so easy to fall into negative thinking spirals?

The negative affects us more because it is so unusual. Think about the many noises you hear at night: cars driving by your home, the chittering of crickets, the hum of the washing machine or refrigerator—these sounds are “normal” and don’t disturb your sleep because you are used to them. But, if you hear a door quickly open or a window break, you are suddenly on high alert. Something is out of place/out of balance, and your attention will stay fixed on that noise until you figure out what is going on and if you are safe.

The negative is like this “out-of-place” noise: it doesn’t make sense and your brain is not happy about this imbalance, so it tries to figure out how to fix this situation. It is easy to fix all your attention on this abnormality until it does make sense, but this can have some serious mental and physical repercussions if we are not careful, because, over time, toxic rumination disrupts the energy flow in the brain. Whatever we think about the most grows!

As I mentioned above, when we think too negatively or just focus on the bad (a pessimistic state of mind), the energy flow in the brain becomes distorted and incoherent, which can result in inflammation in the brain and body, jumps in cortisol levels, digestive issues, heart problems, mood swings and so on. In fact, this state of mind, which is what is known as a “red brain” on qEEg scans can even activate weaknesses in our genetic code! And, over time, it can become a pessimistic thinking habit—the more we think this way, the more the world seems like a terrible place.

Thankfully, we can combat and heal the effects of focusing too much on the negative by self-regulating our mind. This means focusing on how we think, feel and choose. Dr. Caroline Leaf discuss’s this in detail in her book, Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. When we learn how to control our mind, we can rebalance the chemicals and energy in the brain and combat the negative health effects of toxic rumination.

This doesn’t mean that we should fear negativity. It is normal to have negative thoughts and experience uncomfortable emotions. If we think we are happy all the time, then we are lying to ourselves—we are suppressing the negative, which will only make things worse. Rather, we need to change the way we perceive the negative. We need to see negative thoughts and feelings as signals that something is going on in our lives that needs to be addressed; there is an “out-of-place noise” in our mental house that we need to get to the root of. This means asking questions like “why I am so pessimistic?”, “what are my triggers?”, “how does the negative affect me?” and “what is the thinking pattern behind my thoughts and feelings, and how can I change or rewire this?”.

The brain changes all the time because it is neuroplastic. The great news is that you can direct this change with your mind (your thinking, feeling, and choosing). You are always thinking, which is why self-regulation is such a great habit—it gives you the tools to control your mind!

Based on decades of research and practice, Dr. Caroline Leaf developed a self-regulation method that harnesses the neuroplastic nature of the brain through specific techniques to combat the negative influence of toxic rumination. Although there is a lot going on behind the scenes when you self-regulate your thinking and manage your mind, the process itself is not only simple but also accessible, no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing:

1. When you find yourself getting trapped in a toxic thinking spiral, take a 10 second pause, for as many times as you need. I recommend deep breathing during this pause, which helps bring brain energy back into balance. Breathe in for 3 counts (say, mentally or out loud, “think, feel”), then breathe out for 7 counts (say mentally or out loud, “choooooooose”).

This is like a reset button in the brain, and will increase your decision-making ability and clarity of mind. Indeed, doing this 6 to 9 times can really reorganize chemical chaos that results from negative thinking in the brain by transferring this energy from the toxic thinking pattern to cleaning up your mental mess!

2. Do a NeuroCycle, which is the self-regulation technique.

Here are the steps:

  • Gathering awareness of your physical and emotional warning signals. We can only change what we are aware of!
  • Reflecting on why you are feeling these things in your body and mind.
  • Writing down your reflections to organize your thinking.
  • Rechecking what you have written and how your thoughts and feelings have changed.
  • Active Reach: taking action to reconceptualize your thinking and find sustainable healing.

If you do this daily for 63 days, you can actually rewire a negative thinking habit or a pessimistic mindset. Each of these steps essentially reset the brain, taking you deeper into your own mind and transferring energy from toxic to healthy. Doing this not only makes your mind and brain more resilient to the pull of negative rumination; it teaches you to use your mind to change your brain! It shows you how to make negativity and life challenges work for you and not against you—YOU TAKE CONTROL, which will have positive carryover effects in other areas of your life.

When you learn how to self-regulate your thinking, you change the energy flow in the brain, which has a host of positive effects on your wellbeing. You still have negative thoughts, of course, but they don’t control your thinking, you control them!

For more information on the optimism bias and self-regulation, listen to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s podcast on MindBodyGreen.

Want help improving your own optimism? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a COMPLIMENTARY 30-minute consultation. Let us help you “Live A Life You Love!”

Article by: Dr. Caroline Leaf

Love yourself sign

Love Yourself This Valentines Day

It’s that time of year again where every grocery store is filled to the brim with pink and red heart-shaped everything. Certainly Valentines Day is supposed to be a day all about love and relationships. But what about the most important relationship of all?

The relationship you have with yourself. Self-love and self-care is an important part of maintaining your mental health. However, a lot of people fall into the trap of being too hard on themselves and not giving themselves the same affection that they give others. So for this Valentines Day, be your own Valentine and take some time for self-care!

13 Ways to Practice Self-Love and Self-Care for Valentines Day

1) Make yourself a nice dinner of your favorite food or treat yourself to Door Dash or Grub Hub (COVID style)

2) Take some time for a thorough self-care routine. For example, try a DIY spa day at home or book yourself a massage!

3) Do something that makes you happy that you might not normally have time for. For example, indulge yourself with a fun fiction book, pour yourself a glass of wine and draw yourself a bubble bath, or go for a walk.

4) Get some sleep! Because staying well-rested is incredibly important for maintaining your mental health.

5) Go volunteer. When you volunteer in your community, you are improving your own mental health while also helping others.This can be a great way to be social and meet new people.

6) Have a friends day. Have some fun with your closest quarantined friends in order to help you destress.

7) Buy yourself one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolates or something else cute that you’ve had your eyes on.

8) Though, if you wait until the day after Valentines Day, all the heart-shaped boxes of chocolates will be half off.

9) Do something that empowers you! Different things empower different people. Above all, on a self-love day, it is important that you do things that make you feel great about you.

10) If you enjoy working out, hit the gym, go for a hike, or go running. On the other hand, if you don’t enjoy working out, feel free to give yourself the day off to do something else that makes you happy.

11) Declutter. Cleaning can be a way to cleanse your space, so you feel calm and organized.

12) Unfollow people on social media who don’t make you happy or who post things that don’t make you feel good about yourself.Because their negativity is not something that you need in your life.

13) Practice self-acceptance. In order to feel good about yourself, you must forgive yourself for past mistakes, appreciate yourself for who you are, and enjoy the person that you are becoming.

14) Be mindful. Whether it is journaling, writing a Valentines Day card to yourself, or coloring to destress, mindfulness can help improve your mental health.