Tag Archive for: Relationship

Invest In Yourself For Relationship Growth

/in , ,

If you can’t keep it together, your relationship can’t either.

Sometimes, the right thing to do when your relationship feels off track is to check in on yourself.

Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage, recommends that you take some time to be “selfish.” If that word feels funny to you, think of it as investing in you. Our research found that taking care of yourself helps your relationship grow stronger. Both you and your partner will benefit from a release of tension. Here are a few ideas you can start with:

Filled with nervous energy or frustration? Take some time to engage in physical activity and work it off. If it helps to diminish stress, bring your favorite music along. The relief you gain from spending time moving your body may lessen your likelihood to snap at your partner.

Does reading soothe you? Head to the library and check out a new book. Many local libraries have ebooks that you can read on any device. Let yourself fall into the world of fiction or if you prefer to fill your head with a new subject matter.

Miss your friends? Make a connection. Whether it’s over a video chat platform or you skip over to your favorite coffee shop, be intentional about reaching out to your friends. Taking the time to reconnect with those who feel like your home away from home will leave you all feeling rejuvenated.

In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.

The Dalai Lama

Take a moment to contemplate what activities help you feel refreshed. It may be different depending on the day. Some mornings you’ll need quiet and a cup of coffee while others you need 30 minutes on your yoga mat. Whatever it is, commit to carving out time every day to do a “selfish” activity that helps you feel like you again. You’ll find yourself in a better headspace and ready to invest in your partner and your relationship.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: The Gottman Institute

Happy couple who utilizes couples therapy by a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wi

The Four Horseman and Their Antidotes…The Secret to Managing Relationship Conflict

/in ,

The Gottman Institute studies relationships and looks for evidenced based signs of what works, and what doesn’t. They use the metaphor of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe four dynamics that can predict the end of a romantic relationship. Luckily, they have also discovered the “antidotes” that can change these unhealthy dynamics.

Criticism

Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with some level of blame. Often “you” statements – “You should have done the laundry by now, you know I wanted to go out later!”

Antidote: Complaining – Expressing anger or disagreement about a specific behavior. Often uses “I” statements – “I wanted the laundry to be finished by now so I could get out before everything closes.” Complaining does not involve blame or get personal.

Next time, try: Instead of criticizing the other person, tell them what you would like them to do instead.

Defensiveness

Avoiding any responsibility for partner’s complaints. This can look like denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing with negative mind-reading, cross-complaining, “yes-but”-ing, repeating yourself, whining.

Antidote: Taking responsibility for some part of the problem.

Next time, try: Considering if there any part of the other person’s complaint that makes some sense to you. If so, say, “I can see what you’re saying about (this part).” See how that changes the conversation.

Contempt

The intention here is to insult and psychologically abuse the other person. This happens when the relationship feels so negative, that one partner has difficulty identifying anything positive about the other. It can include insults and name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery. It is also visible in body language and facial expressions. Contempt in communication between partners is a strong predictor of divorce.

Antidote: Culture of appreciation – focus on what you admire about the other person.

Next time, try: Noticing when you are expressing contempt and stopping yourself immediately. There are also exercises that you can do to remember and rekindle the things you admire or appreciate about the other person, which will start to shift the habit of expressing contempt.

Stonewalling

Habitual disengagement during conflict.

Antidote: Self-soothing—Monitor your emotional arousal during arguments; take breaks and do something to calm down. Find a way to stay engaged in the discussion, even if it means taking a break.

Next time, try: Catching yourself when you are starting to get emotionally overwhelmed during a conflict. Let the other person know you are going to take a break, but will return to finish the discussion when you are more calm. It generally takes about 20 minutes to calm down from “emotional flooding

We can help improve your relationship.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to strengthen your relationship, rebuild your connection, and restore the joy you both once felt.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

 

Article summarized from the Gottman Institute Research.

Person holding the U.S. flag

Should We Make 4th of July Resolutions?

/in ,

The 4th of July is a beloved holiday, but most of us spend more time planning our celebrations than thinking about what we are commemorating. The birth of the United States was a world-changing event, but it was also a complicated, messy project accomplished by real people who were struggling, with varied success, to solve complex problems.

Because of the ways our brains have evolved, they were wired, just as we are, to protect themselves and the things they cared about, and try to change circumstances they found unfavorable. However, they were also influenced by the social values of their time, some of which we no longer agree with, and others we are still grappling with. By looking at their success, and their failures, we can gain insight into coping with the challenges we face some 250 years later.

While it is a fictional account of the founding of this country, the musical “Hamilton,” written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and based on Ron Chernow’s biography of Alexander Hamilton, allows us to look back at the founding of this country through a modern lens. The most striking feature of the production is that the cast members represent a variety of racial backgrounds. Since the founding fathers were white males who were unable to abolish slavery when establishing the country, this casting choice is particularly thought-provoking and encourages us to think about the way our past is shaping our future.

Much of the show focuses on the personal struggles of men like Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington. Although they loom large in our imagination, their struggles weren’t that different from ours.

Balancing the desire to live a comfortable life, to make a difference in the world, and to build caring connected families is never easy, especially when insecurity, greed, hubris, and jealousy enter the mix. While we would like to assume that they knew exactly what they were doing when they formed this country, the truth is that you can never be sure of how things will turn out when you are living through them.

When newscasters today announce that the country has become more polarized than ever before, it is worth noting that we became a nation because of a civil war, which divided families and communities and resulted in significant suffering, trauma, and death. When things look dire, it is worth drawing perspective from the past. The revolutionaries didn’t know if they would succeed but they were willing to keep trying to reach their goals.

The musical also highlights the fact that many of the things that happened during the founding of this country were the result of compromises, backroom deals, and shifting alliances. If you have ever wondered why our nation’s capital was built from scratch, in a southern state instead of operating out of an existing city like Philadelphia or New York, it is worth turning to a history book.

One major difference though, between that era and ours, is the changing media landscape. While the revolutionaries made ample use of printing presses to create newspapers and fliers, they didn’t have to contend with a 24/7 news juggernaut that captured and replayed their every action every hour on the hour, to a worldwide audience. Under this relentless gaze, it is harder for people to hide their personal foibles, or to compromise with their opponents.

In addition, there are so many media sources available that it is increasingly difficult to tell fact from fiction. This puts the onus on us as consumers to research and evaluate the veracity of the news we hear, and to stop supporting content producers who don’t hold themselves to the standards of reputable journalism.

It is also easy to assume that the Founding Fathers worked as a team to implement shared goals. The truth is that some of them couldn’t stand each other, their alliances changed over time, and some of their failures have had lasting consequences. Their failure to abolish slavery created a legacy of conflict and inequity we still haven’t resolved.

But recognizing that they were not romantic heroes should remind us that even regular people can be a force for change. You don’t have to be a gifted orator or writer to volunteer to teach children to read at your local school, participate in local politics, or work to support causes you care about. You just have to get involved. Great leaders like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King can emerge just when we need them, but we all have the potential to make a difference in our own corner of the world.

We would like to make a 4th of July declaration. Since we are already used to making resolutions about the things we want to do to improve our own lives on News Year’s Eve, perhaps we could make more civic-minded resolutions on Independence Day. None of us can change the world alone, but there is power in numbers. Even small efforts from picking up litter in public places, to registering people to vote, to volunteering to use our skills or resources to help others, can add up.

We argue that the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) of this country deserve our thanks. But we also have an obligation to make things better for the future. If each of us resolved to do just one thing to make that happen, it could make Independence Day even more meaningful. In the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton, let’s all “rise up” to make a difference.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →
Article By: Devon Frye of Psychology Today
Couple who's happy because they seek marital counseling at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

2 Ways to Exit a ‘Peter Pan and Wendy’ Relationship Dynamic

/in ,

Many people come to therapy when they feel their relationship is overburdened with immaturity. They may say things like:

“My partner does not know how to take care of himself and depends on me for everything. It is almost as if I am his mother, and I have to look after his childlike needs.”

“My partner struggles to establish a functional, long-term plan for his life as an adult.”

“We’ve been dating for so long now, but my boyfriend doesn’t like to label our relationship. It seems like he has commitment fear.”

If you relate to the statements above, chances are you’re in a relationship with a “Peter Pan” type personality.

Often characterized as “the boy who never grows up,” people, mostly men, displaying a Peter Pan-like personality can make maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship difficult. According to one study, people afflicted with this syndrome find it hard to express their emotions, avoid listening to their partner, and shirk basic relationship responsibilities.

A recent study lists five key markers of Peter Pan Syndrome, which include:

Emotional paralysis. Dulled emotions or an inability to express feelings in appropriate ways.

Slowness in action. Being apathetic, procrastinating in tasks, and frequently being late.

Avoidance of responsibility. Avoiding accountability for their mistakes and blaming others.

Mother-like expectations from partners. Difficulty with maternal relationships and treating future romantic partners as mother figures.

-Tensed relationship with father figures. Feelings of distance from one’s father and trouble with male authority figures.

Much like in the children’s story, the female counterparts in these relationships, known as the “Wendy,” often enable Peter Pan to continue living a life without responsibility. They might do this by making decisions on their behalf, cleaning up after them, or offering relentless emotional support without getting anything in return.

Unfortunately, those who fall into the “Wendy” role may not even realize it. This can naturally cause abrasion in relationships and negatively affect the quality of the partnership.

Here are two ways to manage a Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome in your relationship.

1. Help them get a grip on adulthood.

Desiring changes to how a person currently functions through slow and measured steps can help two people in a relationship transform for the better.

As much as we like to say we love people for who they are, remember that at least a little bit of give and take and gradual improvement is necessary for a romantic relationship to flourish.

However, handling the “man-child” of a relationship can be tricky. Fencing them in can suffocate their needs for freedom and play. It’s often better to communicate and advocate for your own needs and desires in the relationship while also allowing them time and space to act in accordance with them.

Do not forget to celebrate your partner’s efforts every step of the way by showing them appreciation and affection. Hold them accountable for what they say they will do and focus on small victories rather than massive behavioral overhauls.

2. Stall your enabling behaviors.

Ending enabling behaviors, like tidying up after them every time they make a mess, getting their car cleaned, or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change. Keep in mind that expecting drastic changes is unrealistic. No change can happen overnight. You will have to be patient while you wait to see changes in your partner’s behaviors. Consider these questions while attempting to back out of your enabling behavior.

-Are my actions helping or hurting me in the long run?
-Is it worth shouldering all the responsibilities of a relationship alone?
-Am I truly happy and satisfied in this relationship?
-Can I ignore my current frustration in the grand scheme of things?

Never ask your partner to change who they are. After all, that’s probably the reason you fell in love with them in the first place.

However, it is reasonable to expect people to mature and improve themselves over time. If you feel your partner is perpetually stuck in a juvenile phase and is unable or unwilling to bring about any of the changes you are asking for, you might consider seeking out a new partner whose goals and behaviors are more congruent with yours.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to improve your relationship.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Happy interracial couple who sought premarital counseling by a licensed therapist

Assuming Positive Intentions In Your Relationship

/in , ,

“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

“Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

“Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

“Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

What did that say about me?

Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

“I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

“Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

“I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

“Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

It wasn’t him; it was me.

All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

He always freely gave it.

He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they have done.

Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

“I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

It will take some time to train yourself from over thinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

Article written by: Betsy Talbot of Tiny Buddha Blog

We can help improve your relationship.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to improve your relationship.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Two black LGBTQIA+ women who seek therapy from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Secrets to Finding a Great Partner

/in , , ,

My friend Katie met her husband-to-be, Tom, during orientation week in college. They were the couple everyone envied. They spent all their time together and they never seemed to argue. They had the same major and shared many of their hobbies. They liked each other’s families and friends. So it wasn’t a big surprise when Katie and Tom got married soon after graduation. They have two sweet kids, a boy and a girl. Katie stays home taking care of the kids and Tom has a well-paid job as an architect in a local company.

And last year… they got divorced.

Katie and Tom’s story is not unique. Almost every second marriage in the U.S. gets divorced at some point.

And yet, if Katie and Tom had been looking for a partner through a matching company, they would have been pretty much a perfect match for each other. But something didn’t go right.

What is it that Katie and Tom, and so many others, are missing? Why do our “perfect matches” often turn out to be less than perfect or downright disappointing?

The Unconscious Foundation of Your Relationships

In our research, we’ve found that there’s much more to true compatibility than variables like age, religion, culture, hobbies, attitudes, and beliefs. Part of the issue is that there’s a lot we do not know about ourselves, and not knowing ourselves sometimes gets in the way of successful relationships.

Everybody has a set of love stories, that is, a set of ideas, beliefs, and preconceptions about what a relationship should be like, how to behave in a relationship, and what the ideal partner should be like. But—we’re not consciously aware of our love stories.

So if you want to find someone who’s a truly good match for you, here are five keys that you need to keep in mind:

1. Your love stories influence every aspect of your relationship.

You have love stories in your mind that determine which potential partners you’re interested in and that shape your expectation of what a relationship should be like, how you should behave in a relationship, how you should interpret your partner’s actions, how you should interact with your partner, and so on.

Your love stories represent the essence of your life—the relationships of family members, neighbors, and friends you have observed since you were a child, your own experiences with other people, the stories you have read in books and watched in movies.

There is no objective reality; rather, it’s your stories that give your relationship meaning.

2. Happy relationships involve matching love stories.

Obviously, you’re not the only one with love stories; everybody else has them as well. But there are stories that tend to work better and others that are maladaptive. Additionally, some stories work better together than others. For example, if you have a fantasy story and are looking for a super romantic relationship with your own personal princess, but your partner is not so much interested in romance but rather in creating a relationship that runs smoothly like a business, ensuring you are making good money and have clearly spelled out duties that need to be fulfilled responsibly, both of you are likely to end up disappointed.

You and your partner do not need to have the same story, but for a happy long-term relationship, you will need stories that are compatible with each other.

3. Understand what you really want from your relationship.

The love stories you have given rise to what we call the “core components of love.” Depending on your love story, you may have a different need for:

  • Intimacy (that is, how close, bonded, and connected you feel)
  • Passion (that is, how much emotional and physical attraction, as well as romance you have in your relationship), and
  • Commitment in your relationship

The issue is—we often are not consciously aware of what we truly want, and where our relationship lags. Dig deep and figure out what you want from your relationship in terms of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Does your partner want the same as you do? If not, try to close those gaps to make your relationship work and fulfill your own needs as well as the needs of your partner.

4. Your partner’s feelings for you matter less than you think.

In our studies, we have found that people often haven’t the foggiest idea of how their partner feels about them—and the people who participated in our studies were in stable relationships!

The point is, we can’t ever really know what someone else thinks or feels.

What matters to our happiness is how we want our partner to feel for us, and whether we believe they’re actually feeling that way. For example, your partner may feel that they’re very committed to your relationship. If you don’t feel that they are committed and consequently feel anxious or jealous most of the time, your partner’s factual commitment really doesn’t matter that much to your happiness.

Think about whether you have enough (or too much) of intimacy, passion, and commitment in a relationship, and if there’s a gap, act!

5. Your relationship needs to match your (and your partner’s) needs—not the expectations of those around you.

Your love stories determine the kind of relationship and partner you’re looking for and what you expect your relationship to be like. You’ll be happiest when you and your partner have compatible love stories and you meet each other’s needs. The expectations of those around you—parents, family, and friends—as well as those of society matter much less.

You have to realize that there is no wrong or right love story, and it’s all right for you to seek your happiness no matter what others think of your conception of a loving relationship.

The key to your happiness is finding someone whose love story is compatible with yours.

Looking to learn more about finding the RIGHT relationship for YOU? Contact us to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our relationship experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

 

Article By: Karen and Robert Sternberg, Ph.Ds

Happy couple with a healthy relationship

Milwaukee Relationship Experts Discuss Dating After A Breakup

/in , ,

It can be very hard to get back into the dating world after a breakup or divorce. Some clients that I work with were in a relationship for a short time, and it’s not as hard for them to get back into the swing of things. However, for some who were in decades-long marriages, they are now out on their own trying to figure out the dating world. It can be daunting and scary, and some people give up after only a few tries because they feel overwhelmed.

There are some things to consider when you’re getting back into the dating world or even considering dating.

Getting “back out there”

First thing is to make sure that your friends and work colleagues know that you are ready to start dating again, since it always helps to have friends on your side. They may know somebody they could set you up with or suggest a coffee date with a friend of theirs who might be a good fit. It is good to think in terms of just getting to know new people rather than having to feel like it’s got to be an instant, lifelong connection. Sometimes it can just be meeting somebody new for coffee and striking up a friendship if there’s no romantic spark.

Swiping and clicking

These days roughly one-third of single people have an online dating profile. As you probably already know, this way of dating allows you to find and view people that you would never otherwise meet, and you can chat with them before meeting.

A downfall is that there can be too much choice in online dating. Columbia professor Sheena Iyengar has done experiments revealing that an excess of options can induce indecision and paralysis in decision making. Her experiment involved jam samples at a grocery store. When they offered six types of jam as opposed to 24 types of jam, people were ten times as likely to buy jam from the smaller sample number.

This same indecision and paralysis can happen in online dating, so try to give yourself compassion and know that it’s hard work. You may consider hiring a matchmaker if you can afford it—they gather your information and preferences and find matches and then they also set up the dates, making much less work for you!

From message to meeting

Don’t spend too much time talking online—a week or two at the most—then meet to see if you have chemistry. Helen Fisher, noted anthropologist and consultant for Match.com, states that it is best to avoid long online exchanges. The only way to know if you have a future with a person is to meet face to face since “the brain is the best algorithm.” Laurie Davis, author of “Love at First Click,” recommends no more than six messages before meeting offline, since that gives you enough information to know if they are someone you’d want to date. Meeting someplace public is always the best option for safety reasons. Do post photos on your profile.

People still meet in more traditional ways also (work, neighbors, school, through friends), but no matter how you meet a potential partner, you still have to go on dates! However you meet, remember to ask open-ended questions. Also, remind yourself to be interested in your date rather than trying to be interesting yourself. See the Gottman Card Decks, and go to the Open-ended questions deck if you want some good ideas.

Don’t talk about your ex

Don’t talk about your ex-spouse or -partner! This is crucial. If your date asks you something about your past relationship then it is appropriate to give a brief response. Example: “We grew apart but we get along now when we need to talk about the kids.”

If it was a difficult separation or divorce then keep that very brief. Example: “It was painful and hard but now I am ready to move on and not dwell on the past”

If your date hears you talk about your “crazy ex” and you go on and on about it, that could be a red flag. Same goes if they hear you talking at length about how great your ex is and how you are best friends now—they are going to wonder if you may reconcile or they may feel you are not “over” that person.

Who can you trust?

I’ve had many people ask about how to know who’s safe and trustworthy when you are dating. I find it helpful in my private practice with single clients to go through some of the important points from the book “Safe People” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Here are some important things to be looking for when you consider safe vs unsafe people:

  • Safe people allow you to feel like an equal vs feeling like their parent or their child.
  • Safe people are stable over time vs being inconsistent.
  • Safe people have empathy and act on it vs being solely concerned with themselves (“I” not “we”).
  • Safe people want to mature and grow, and can admit when they are wrong, while unsafe people avoid working on problems, or admitting fault because they believe they are perfect.
  • Safe people are willing to earn your trust while unsafe people demand it without earning it.
  • Safe people can respect your “no” and honor your boundaries.

In addition: unsafe people apologize without changing their behavior, they blame others, they gossip instead of keeping secrets, and they show up only when they need something.

If you consistently find yourself drawn to unsafe people, then there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. This can be addressed through personal exploration or even individual therapy. As stated in “Safe People,” this could be driven by the need to rescue that unsafe person, fears of isolation or abandonment, or even familiarity with negative relational patterns.

Dr. Gottman has done research on trustworthiness, and found the following five criteria to help separate those who are trustworthy from those who are not. These five criteria are from the book “What Makes Love Last.”

  1. Honesty. Do not trust someone who lies to you. Don’t come up with excuses for why they lied, or talk yourself out of your doubts.
  2. Transparency. Make sure they are an open book, and that they invite you to meet their family and friends.
  3. Accountability. Do they keep their promises and follow through on their commitments?
  4. Ethical Actions. If you are detecting immoral actions or if you are uncomfortable with their morals, then move on.
  5. Proof of Alliance. If they can demonstrate that they have your back, even in small ways, then that is a good sign. Do they take your best interests to heart instead of acting only out of self-interest?

Have fun, try to think about it as an adventure. Stay safe, and make sure you take things slow so that you have time to determine if they are safe and trustworthy. Remember, it is hard work, but it’s worth it. Good luck in your dating journey.

Article By: Stacy Hubbard, LMFT, The Gottman Relationship Blog

Couple that's happy because they seek marriage counseling by a licensed therapist at Milwaukee, Wisconsin

How To Be Supportive When Your Partner Struggles With Mental Health

/in , ,

Mental health is usually a sensitive subject for people. It’s a personal struggle that can feel never ending, and too often people suffer in silence rather than admit that they are having a problem. This is why when someone, like your partner, lets you know that they struggle with mental health, it’s vital to be as supportive as possible. Here are some ways that I support my partner and his mental health:

TRUST AND GOOD COMMUNICATION

In order to help your partner (in anything, not just mental health) the two of you need to have trust and excellent lines of communication. Talking about mental health, admitting that there’s a problem, and figuring out how to get help can be difficult – your partner won’t be able to do any of that if they don’t trust you.

In the summer, my partner and I go for long walks after dinner. We make a point to disconnect from our phones so that we can engage with each other in a more meaningful way. Sometimes we just talk about our days, or something funny we saw, and sometimes it’s more serious. In the winter we cuddle up on the couch with tea or hot chocolate, put on some music, and chat. We make a point to be with each other (without screens around) daily. These conversations build up trust and communication so that we can make ourselves vulnerable and discuss more sensitive things like mental health.

LEARN THEIR TRIGGERS

For many mental health problems there are triggers — things that set off a person’s condition — and once you learn what your partner’s triggers are, you can be better prepared to help them. For example, my partner works in law enforcement and struggles with PTSD. He’s much better than he was five years ago, but it still crops up now and again.

When we first got together, we sat down and discussed his triggers. His triggers are working too many hours, drinking, not being able to go to the gym or study martial arts regularly, and not sleeping enough. Once I knew what his triggers were, I knew what to look for. So, if I notice that he hasn’t slept enough, or hasn’t made time to go to the gym, I point it out. Understanding his triggers helps ensure that there are two of us looking out for him and making sure that he’s okay.

HAVE PATIENCE

Having good mental health is not a contest that you win. You can’t just achieve it and never have to deal with it again. It’s a process that will sometimes be great, and other times won’t be. One of the best things that you can do for your partner is have patience.

Mental health is like climbing a mountain, only to fall down it and have to climb it again. There will be times that your partner’s journey will frustrate you because they’re covering the same ground again and again, but you need to have patience — they’re already struggling and they don’t need anything from you but support.

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

It’s almost become a cliché, but eating right, getting enough sleep, and exercising are three key things that you can do to help your partner with their mental health (and your overall health as well). Your body needs these three things to function properly, and when you deprive yourself of them, you suffer.

One of the ways that you can help your partner is by developing good health habits (like these). If you’re not a great cook, take a cooking class together so you can both learn. If you don’t exercise enough, commit to going for a walk after dinner, or sign up together at a gym or fitness class. Sleep, I find, is the thing that can be the most easily neglected, so set an alarm to remind yourself to go to bed, and start winding down together — maybe you read for twenty minutes in bed, maybe you chat about plans for the weekend, or cuddle. Get into the habit of enjoying going to sleep.

Being supportive when your partner struggles with mental health can seem daunting, but once you talk about it, and learn how you can help, it’s simply just another way that you can be there for them. It is important to remember, however, that you are not your partner’s saviour, and sometimes being supportive can mean talking to them about getting professional help. The key is to always keep their trust, and work together to maintain healthy habits and a happy relationship.

mother and daughter

How To Talk To Your Parents about Racism

/in , ,

Over the last few weeks, many of us have had to face a pretty ugly realization: Some of the people we love the most and who’ve cared for us throughout our lives are also people who harbor racist beliefs.

Hearing our parents make racist comments can be particularly upsetting, especially if you’re close to them and talk to them regularly. But the good news is, our family members are the people we’re likely to have the biggest effect on because of our close personal relationships with them.

Addressing racism in your parents—or any loved one, for that matter—can feel daunting, but it’s not impossible. We reached out to three therapists for advice on the best ways to open the conversation and actually help our parents overcome their prejudices:

1. Understand where your parents are coming from.

Try to have a mindset of understanding about your parents’experiences that may have led them to have these beliefs, says therapist Alyssa Mancao, LCSW.

“Keep in mind the generational differences and the conditioning that was bestowed onto them. Remind yourself that you have more access to information that they may not have had access to growing up, due to the whitewashing of history books and absence of social media and internet use during their times,” she explains. “Approach your parents with compassion and understanding. It is also important to note that your parents have had these views and beliefs for their entire lives.”

Understanding your parents background will help you meet them where they’re at and help them unpack prejudices that may be a product of their generation, culture, or upbringing.

2. Avoid using blame statements.

People rarely respond well when they feel like they’re being blamed or attacked, licensed psychologist Ebony Butler, Ph.D., points out. You want to avoid putting your parents on the defensive from the start of the conversation.

“The thing to remember in these types of cases is that you want to be heard and want to feel listened to,” she explains. “Leading with statements that accuse or place blame increases people’s defensiveness and decreases their ability to hear with the intent of understanding. Instead, they listen with the intent to defend.”

Butler recommends leaning on factual information and your trusty “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. Approach with a spirit of warmth and love.

3. Provide them with information and resources.

It can be hard to find the right words, especially when we ourselves are still learning and educating ourselves. In such cases, it can be helpful to offer up links and resources that you’ve found helpful that you think might also be helpful for your parents.

Mancao explains:
“Oftentimes, when parents hold racist sentiments, their sentiments stem from distortion thinking (overgeneralization) and skewed media perspectives, and therefore it is highly important to approach them with factual information regarding institutional racism, systemic inequality, and social stratification. This is a lot to learn and unload, and therefore, when approaching your parents, coming in informed will be helpful. I would also recommend looking for infographics that break down information, offering to watch an educational documentary together, and finding information in their primary language if English is not their first language.”

It can also be helpful to watch movies or podcasts about racism together, she adds, or you can host a book club about race as a family.

4. Remember that helping someone recognize their mistakes and grow from them is a way of showing love.

It’s not your responsibility to “fix” your parents, Mancao says. They are responsible for themselves.

But she notes, “This does not mean be complacent, throw up your hands, and say ‘it is what it is.’ No, we do have a responsibility to share education with them, continually challenge, point out errors in their thinking, and be steady with our approach.”

And as humans who care about justice and equity, she adds, we all have a responsibility to educate each other and to question beliefs that uphold systemic oppression.

5. Know when it’s time to establish boundaries.

As important as it may feel to you to change your parents’ minds about racism at all costs, remember that your time and energy are limited—and there may be better uses of your resources than getting into huge arguments with your parents every time you see them.

“Instead of focusing on changing your parents’ mind to make you feel at ease, use that motivation to motivate others around you to change their viewpoints and hold others accountable,” therapist Patrice Douglas, LMFT, recommends.

If your parents have persistently racist beliefs, Douglas adds that you may need to establish boundaries with them. Unless you’re experiencing significant harm from interacting with them, that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to cut your parents off entirely.

“Changing your parent’s mind may never happen, but it’s important to understand where you stand and how you want to move forward in your own life,” she explains. “Instead of your parents having a major role in your life, you may decide to decrease contact and only check in when necessary or have surface conversations with them.”

6. Take care of yourself throughout this process.

“Addressing racism and a person’s anti-blackness can provoke feelings of anger, rage, and helplessness, especially when you feel like your conversation is falling on deaf ears,” Mancao notes. “Learn when to take a pause from the conversation.”

Reach out to loved ones or a mental health professional who can help you cope with the understandably jarring experience of feeling so alienated from a parent.

“This level of rupture can feel like high-level betrayal and might be difficult to recover from,” Butler adds. “In such instances, it can be really beneficial to enlist the help of someone trained in healing and working through interpersonal betrayal and trauma.”

7. Be patient.

“You won’t change a person’s entire belief system in one conversation,” Mancao reminds. “Be steady, persistent, and patient with the process while you keep in mind that these are tightly held beliefs, and it can be quite common for a person to get defensive when their belief systems are being challenged. The conversations you are having with your parents are planting seeds. It’s important to have realistic expectations of how quickly your parents digest and process information.”

Change takes time. Be patient.

Article by: Kelly Gonsalves of Mind,Body Green

Happy couple enjoying their relationship

Cabin Fever for Couples…Here’s How to Make the Most of It

/in , , , , , , ,

If you live…anywhere in the world, you’re probably practicing social distancing. If you live with your partner, you might be craving a little social distance from them.

Around the world couples are being kept in a pressure cooker called… our homes.

Depending on your dynamic, it might be a little harder than you thought to keep things sailing smoothly.

It’s perfectly normal to experience a little cabin fever at this point, but don’t let isolation turn you and your beloved against one another. Like a research team on Antarctica, you’re going to have to work together to get through the winter til the snow thaws. No matter how annoying your teammates snoring gets.

Here are some key points to battling cabin fever as a cohabitating, quarantined couple.

COMMUNICATE

Now, more than ever, it’s important for you and your beloved to find ways to communicate clearly and respectfully. If you were the last two people on earth, would you passive aggressively complain about the dishes while your teammate is working? Probably not. So why try the same in your own home? You need to think of your household like a team in this time of crisis, and with any team you’re only as strong as your weakest link.

Finding constructive ways to communicate any problems you come across are incredibly important for keeping your team strong and stave off cabin fever. When in doubt, take a deep breath, and remember that your sweetie loves you before spilling any harsh truths about the bad breath that’s been driving a wedge between you for days.

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD

Just because we’re being asked to stay in our homes, doesn’t mean that the outside world has disappeared! It’s important for you and your partner to keep up contact outside of your apartment bubble. Whether it’s solo calls with your family, or a group hang with other couples, connecting with others can help brighten your mood and give perspective on your current situation. And please, don’t be afraid to have fun with your friends!

Those of us who are healthy need to take every scrap of love that we can right now. So help the greater good and have a Zoom happy hour or play some games with your loved ones on House Party. There are so many great apps to help you stay connected and refreshed for the coming weeks of being cooped up with your honey.

GET SOME AIR

When things are feeling overwhelming or stagnant at home, there’s no harm in blowing off steam by going on a walk by yourself. As long as you can maintain social distancing that is! Go on off-peak hours or to a remote location so that you can skip the weekend bustle of most city parks. Do your part, but also, look after yourself. If going outside is going to help your mental health, and keep cabin fever at bay, then please do it! In a safe way.

If you can’t safely go outside, open up a window! Light some incense! Play some tunes! Anything to get the energy flowing and the mood lifted is a good idea right now. Your sweetie will thank you later. Also: If you and your partner were stranded on the international space station, you’d be isolated for a year AND you couldn’t even open a window! So, you know….be thankful!

MAKE A SCHEDULE

Speaking of space stations, Scott Kelly was isolated on the international space station for an entire year, and his biggest advice for isolating with one other person? Make a schedule. “My wife and I have been making a schedule like we were in space because if you keep to that schedule and it has variety, I think what people will find are the days go by much quicker. ” Keeping a schedule for you and your cutie is a great way to maintain productivity while also spending quality time together. While we’re stuck in the same place, every day doesn’t have to be the same! And scheduling can help achieve that.

CHANGE THINGS UP

After you’ve made that schedule, remember to add in time for whatever the hell you want. Embrace the chaos of the world right now and do what feels good! Have sex, draw a couples bath, take up a new hobby, or hop on the bandwagon and bake a loaf of bread. Doing something outside of your normal routine has the potential to brighten your day and bring you closer as a couple.

Doing something productive together can be fun, but making impromptu margaritas on a Tuesday night is even funner. Embrace your inner child and remember that we’re in uncharted territory right now. That means there’s no rules for what’s normal behavior, so drink that drink, make love in the middle of the day, and do what makes you happy right now. Within reason of course.

REMEMBER YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER

More than ever, COVID-19 has made us realize exactly how connected we all are. Globally, nationally, and as a household. Whatever problems you and your sweetie might encounter, remember that while you’re living together. You’re each other’s lifelines. Look out for one another and know who your sweetie wants you to call if things get bad. You can get through cabin fever, but only together. Winter will pass, and spring will come. Try to have as much fun as you can while we wait for the thaw.