The Secret to Reigniting Desire: Keep Things New

I’ve always been drawn to what’s new. New music, new plays, new places. A room full of strangers? Honestly, I love it. I thrive on fresh experiences, new conversations, and unexpected perspectives—even on old topics. Sure, I also love the comfort of familiarity (who doesn’t?). But when life feels too familiar for too long, I start to wilt.

Even on a quiet night in, I’ll catch myself tossing out random questions to my husband, hoping he’ll tell me a story I haven’t heard yet. And more often than not—he does.

Because novelty, it turns out, is more than just exciting. It’s magnetic. It’s energizing. And in long-term relationships especially, it can be the very thing that keeps desire alive.

Why Novelty Matters in Love

In relationships, novelty is often overlooked in favor of comfort and routine. And while comfort has its place, novelty is what stirs the soul. It helps us stay curious. It invites us to explore. It reminds us that even after years together, there’s still more to learn about this person we love.

When you discover something new about your partner—something funny, surprising, deep, or vulnerable—it creates a special kind of tension. A push and pull between what you know and what you don’t.

In French, there’s a word: rencontrer—it means “to meet” or “to encounter.” And paired with the idea of remembrance, or recognizing someone deeply, it describes the sweet spot in relationships: experiencing your partner as both familiar and mysterious. That’s where erotic energy lives. That’s where the spark gets rekindled.

Fresh Questions for Fresh Connection

So how do you invite more novelty into your relationship—especially in everyday life?

Start with new questions.

Instead of the usual “How was your day?” or “What do you want for dinner?”—try asking something unexpected. Something with a little depth, a little play, a little edge.

Here are a few prompts to get things going:

“I was never the same after…”
“A text message I fantasize receiving…”
“A dream I’ve never shared…”
“I feel most free when…”
“If I could whisper in the ear of my eighteen-year-old self…”
“I’ll never regret…”

These kinds of questions can lead you somewhere new—emotionally, mentally, even physically. They help you rediscover the layers and longings in each other that might’ve gone quiet over time.

The Vulnerability of Trying Something New

Of course, trying something new—whether it’s a deeper question or a different kind of date night—can feel a little risky. That’s exactly why we fall into routines. They’re safe. They offer predictable outcomes and almost no chance of rejection. Watching your go-to show, revisiting the same restaurant, or sticking with the same reliable rhythm in the bedroom—it all works. But it doesn’t invite discovery.

And here’s the thing: vulnerability is necessary for connection. But it doesn’t have to feel heavy or awkward.

That’s where play comes in.

Play Is the Gateway

Play is where risk becomes fun. It gives us permission to be a little daring, a little mischievous, a little silly. It’s teasing and lighthearted. It’s why games like spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven were thrilling—because they invited us into the unknown, wrapped in the safety of play.

So bring that energy into your relationship. Ask a bold question. Share a story you’ve never told. Flirt with curiosity. Be just a little subversive.

You might be surprised by who you meet—not just in your partner, but in yourself.

Shall we begin?

Looking for guidance in Milwaukee? Our mental health therapists at Hillary Counseling specialize in providing relationship and marriage therapy. We are here to help you— reach out if you are looking for support and guidance.

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