Navigating Holiday Messages From Your Ex: What to Say

The holidays can bring up a lot of… feelings. Especially if you’re recently single or going through your first holiday season in a few years solo, you might find yourself romanticizing years past (and relationships past) throughout the month of December. And, of course, other people are too: That same nostalgia might be hitting your ex, creating the snowball of events that leads to you receiving the classic “Happy holidays!” text. Whether this is something you’re totally manifesting or absolutely dreading, it can be hard to know how to respond to your ex reaching out over the holidays, which is why we’ve compiled a list of safe-bet responses that will keep the holiday cheer without getting too spicy.

Before sending any of the following, be sure to check in with yourself about how you really feel about your ex reaching out. If it wasn’t the holiday season, would you respond to their text? If it was dead in the middle of summer, would you even glance at their name flashing across your phone screen? If the answer is no, it might be worth waiting until after the new year to respond or not responding at all. But if a holiday reach-out was exactly what you were wishing for this holiday season… we’re not one to judge!

Here are some potential responses to your ex reaching out over the holiday season—plus one reassurance if you’re perfectly satisfied with your no-contact Christmas this year.

If they reach out with a generic “Happy holidays…”

  • I wasn’t expecting a text from the ghost of Christmas past!
  • Happy holidays to you, too! I’ve been thinking of you this season, thanks for reaching out.
  • Happy holidays! I hope you and your family are doing well.
  • Happy holidays, thanks so much for thinking of me! Hope you’re doing well.
  • Happy holidays! Up to anything fun this weekend?
  • Thanks, [insert name]! I hope you have a great holiday season too.

If they ask what you’re up to for the holidays…

  • Living out my Hallmark movie dreams…unfortunately texting you back isn’t part of the script.
  • Enjoying time with friends and family. I hope you’re doing the same!
  • I’m just back in town briefly to spend time with family before heading back home.
  • This year I’m giving myself the gift of peace by blocking your number.
  • Thanks so much for checking in! I’m not up to much this year, are you doing anything fun for the holidays?
  • No, thank you!
  • I’m actually planning to do (insert favorite festive activity) this week, any chance you want to join?

If you feel like indulging in a little festive flirting…

  • Happy holidays! How did you know that my Christmas wish was a text from you?
  • Happy holidays! Missing [insert festive activity that you did together] like we did last year. Can we catch up soon?
  • Happy holidays! Any chance you’re free soon? I’m thinking of hosting some people for a little holiday get-together.
  • All I want for Christmas is you 😉

If you aren’t interested in anything they have to say to you…

  • Hi, I appreciate you reaching out, but I think it’s a bit too soon. I hope you enjoy the holidays!
  • Happy holidays! Now’s not a great time for me to catch up, but I hope you’re doing well.
  • Happy holidays—I’m a bit confused about why you reached out, but I appreciate you thinking of me. I hope 2025 treats you well.
  • Hi, I hope you and your family have a great holiday season and a nice new year.
  • Happy holidays! Good luck in the new year.

If you don’t want to respond…

Sometimes, no response is the best response—even if it means being a bit of a Grinch. You are under no obligation to engage with your ex, especially if they treated you poorly in the past and are no longer a part of your life for a reason. And if this is the first time you’ve heard from them in a long time, there’s no reason to continue the conversation if you don’t want to do so.

If things ended amicably and you want to be friendly with this person, feel free to use any of the above responses to keep the peace or maintain a small connection, but also know that it’s OK to not want to engage (even if there is no bad blood!). Simply ignore their text, delete it altogether, or block them if that’s what you need to do to enjoy a happy, healthy holiday.

Looking for relationship guidance in Milwaukee? Our clinicians at Hillary Counseling specialize in helping you explore these topics and more. Reach out to take the first step toward deeper self-discovery.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, men’s issues, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

Four Things That Can Destroy Relationships

According to John Gottman, Ph.D., “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are behaviors that, if they occur regularly, are very good predictors of either a failed or a terminally unhappy relationship. If you discover that any of these occur often in your relationship, you and your partner are most likely heading for trouble. The “Four Horsemen” are:

Criticism versus Complaint.

A complaint addresses only the specific action at which your partner has failed. A criticism is global. It attacks the mate’s character or personality. Here is an example: Complaint: “There is no gas in the car. I’m aggravated that you didn’t fill it up like you said you would.” Criticism: “You never remember anything! You can’t be counted on for your word!”

Contempt.

Contempt is composed of a set of behaviors that communicate disgust. It includes, but is not limited to: sneering, sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, mockery, hostile humor and condescension. It is primarily transmitted through non-verbal behaviors. It does not move toward reconciliation and inevitably increases the conflict. It is always disrespectful. Research shows couples that display contempt for each other suffer more illnesses and diseases than respectful couples.

Defensiveness.

These behaviors convey the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.

Stonewalling.

In relationships where intense arguments break out suddenly, and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, and where more contempt leads to more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This is the beginning of stonewalling. The stonewaller acts as if he (research indicates that 85% of stonewallers in marriages are husbands) couldn’t care less about what the partner is saying or doing. He (sometimes she) turns away from conflict and from the relationship. Any form of disengagement can be stonewalling.

If either you or your partner regularly engages in any of these behaviors during fights, you have some work to do. The Four Horsemen corrode the love that is at the core of an intimate relationship.

What are the antidotes for these problem behaviors? There are many! Here are some suggestions:

  1. Learn how to mirror your partner’s complaints.
  2. Scan for whatever is valid in your partner’s complaint and address that.
  3. Speak respectfully even when angry.
  4. Practice holding yourself and your partner in warm regard, even when feeling distant or during a fight.
  5. Learn the skills of repairing damage in the relationship.
  6. Always live up to your agreements (or renegotiate if you can’t.)
  7. Make all requests of your partner clear, simple and specific.
  8. Practice sharing compliments, appreciations and praise daily.

If you and your partner find it difficult to replace the Four Horsemen with more loving behaviors, therapy can help. Hillary Counseling has expert therapists who have coached hundreds of couples on how to re-establish intimacy in damaged relationships. Our therapists incorporate skills from the Gottman Method Couples Counseling and Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT).

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

10 ‘Functional’ Family Myths That Are Actually Dysfunctional”

When my brother and I were feuding—on our way to an estrangement—our mother repeatedly admonished me to “be the bigger person” and reach out to address our differences. Every time she said it, I bristled.

It seemed to me that “the bigger person” would face facts and recognize the utter impossibility of sustaining a functional relationship. “The bigger person” would wise up, protect herself, and simply walk away.

Recalling this got me thinking about the family’s deep need for cohesiveness and how this leads to members’ urging connection—even with toxic beliefs, dysfunctional rationalizations, and pat half-truths. They turn to trite appeals, invoked so often that they’re accepted as truth: mantras that encourage, even force, siblings and others to sustain relationships.

These remarks are so common, so “reasonable,” that they’re unchallenged in our collective wisdom They’ve become mantras, injunctions whose moral power approaches that of the Ten Commandments.

Typically, these exhortations assume a reciprocal commitment that empirical evidence simply doesn’t support. They minimize the impact of the aggressor’s behavior, absolving the wrongdoer while preying on the empath’s guilt and willingness to accommodate. Their use demands the endurance of unacceptable behavior we wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else, as if all norms of functional relationships should be suspended in the service of family unity.

The Top Ten

Many families want to maintain the perfect family image, so they shut down dissent, avoid confrontation, and dismiss or ignore complaints with statements like these:

1. “Blood is thicker than water.”

Some weaponize this comment to ignore boundaries and justify toxic behavior. Ironically, the statement “blood is thicker than water”—claiming that loyalty to the family is greater than to anyone else—was intended to mean the opposite. Here’s the original Biblical proverb: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It implies that the bonds made by choice are more important than those imposed by common origin.

2. “You need to learn to let things go.” “You only have one brother or sister.”

Inducing guilt and pretending nothing’s wrong cuts off the opportunity to address issues and potentially grow closer through a vulnerable conversation. Family members often pressure victims by reminding them of the preciousness and uniqueness of a relationship—but there’s nothing precious about abuse.

3. “You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.”

These two statements fall into gaslighting, denying reality, and minimizing unacceptable behavior. They encourage a victim to stay silent when aggression should be called out and hurts should be addressed.

4. “Be the bigger person.”

This comment enables an abuser. My mother sensed that I was more malleable than my brother, and she tried to persuade me to initiate a reconciliation with him.

In some cases, however, this comment legitimizes an abuser’s behavior. It invalidates the experience of one who is being abused—and, worse, asks him or her to repudiate injury, instead stepping up and taking a bigger role in repairing a toxic situation. At the same time, it avoids both recognition of and responsibility for misconduct.

5. “Family is everything.” “You can’t choose your family.”

These statements justify bad behavior on the part of family members. Actually, family isn’t everything, and you can choose your family. Creating close, healthy relationships with people outside the family of origin helps create a sense of belonging.

“Voluntary kin can serve as excellent sources of support and fill the roles we associate with family,” says Dr. Kristina Scharp, an associate professor of communication and co-director of the Family Communication and Relationship Lab at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ. “Many people have a difficult time separating the idea of family from biology and law. Yet there is nothing inherent about biology or the law that guarantees a happy or satisfying sibling relationship.”

6. “There are two sides to every story.”

This evasion merely avoids acknowledging mistreatment and bad behavior. Defending or protecting the aggressor requires other family members to walk on eggshells because one person can’t manage their own emotions.

7. “That’s not what she meant; you know how she is.” “It isn’t a big deal.”

Here again, these excusing, minimizing comments allow the most dysfunctional family member to set the dynamic for the group. Efforts to “get along” with difficult family members may create an enmeshed dependence that compromises self-agency.

Always accommodating one person’s wishes or needs can become a practice of “people-pleasing.” Far from “just being nice,” fawning or people-pleasing are strenuous efforts to appease others. Often they’re trauma responses, meant to keep the peace at any cost. People-pleasers avoid conflict by changing their behavior, morphing themselves into an unhealthy, self-denying relative.

8. “Can’t you take a joke?”

Negating someone’s experience by claiming something was intended to be funny conveniently dodges accountability for the aggressor. This type of comment blame-shifts and actually calls out the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the aggressor’s cruelty, this comment faults the injured for not having a sense of humor.

9. “We just need to get past this.”

Remarks like this ignore fixed dynamics, often firmly established over the years. Furthermore, these comments engage in future faking.

Think of the sign, frequently posted in bars, promising “free beer tomorrow.” Of course, “tomorrow” never comes. Relatives, likewise, promise a better future to manipulate the present and get what they want.

10. “If things were reversed, I would do this for you.”

There’s no way to prove this statement simply because the situation has never been reversed. This type of comment creates a false equivalence and instills a sense of guilt as the affected family member is made to feel that he or she is less-than and doesn’t measure up to expectations.

These myths or falsehoods have been burnished with time and repetition for so long that they have the patina of eternal truths. When a family member trots out one of these familiar mantras, ask yourself, “What are their real intentions?”

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about  counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article by: Fern Schumer Chapman

 

Can the “777” Rule Improve Your Relationship?

You may have heard people touting the “777 rule” as a way to strengthen your relationship with your significant other. And it’s got nothing to do with getting lucky on a particular Boeing model of airplane. Instead, each of the three sevens corresponds to the frequency at which you should be doing three different things that can help your relationship fly. Basically, the 777 rule indicates that:

  • Every seven days, you should go on a date: This should be with your significant other and not someone else. Clearly, telling your significant other, “It’s Friday, so I have my weekly date with that hot coworker” ain’t going to land well.

  • Every seven weeks, you and your significant other should spend a night away together: A night away doesn’t mean in your basement or at your in-laws. Instead, it should be away from home, like at a hotel or resort, away from others, and include an overnight stay. That’s because more things, lucky things, can happen when you are together overnight somewhere.
  • Every seven months, the two of you should take a romantic vacation or getaway. This should be longer than just a night away and a way to get away from it all.The general principle behind the 777 rule makes sense: It’s important for the two of you to spend quality time together away from everyone else. Such time allows the two of you to connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically. You can get a much better sense of how each of you is doing and what you think of each other and the relationship. Spending this time and making this effort also allows you to make key changes and course correct before things really fall off the rails.

The general principle behind the 777 rule makes sense: It’s important for the two of you to spend quality time together away from everyone else. Such time allows the two of you to connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically. You can get a much better sense of how each of you is doing and what you think of each other and the relationship. Spending this time and making this effort also allows you to make key changes and course correct before things really fall off the rails.

Too often couples drift apart when these things don’t happen. It’s easy to get caught up in the minutia of life, such as “Look, my picture of me and a pizza got 100 likes” and “Oh, the kids covered themselves with gravy again,” and neglect building and maintaining the emotional bond between the two of you. Resentment can fester when you don’t discuss and resolve issues. The 777 rule is a way of building in time to connect and remind each other why you are together in the first place.

However, don’t expect the 777 rule by itself to be a magical solution. This rule made news after actor Andrew Buchan allegedly cheated on his wife, actress Amy Nuttall. Nuttall reportedly told Buchan that he had to cheat on her to stay with her. Now, of course, only Nuttall and Buchan knew the details and dynamics of their relationship and what else they may have been doing to try to repair it. But when cheating has already occurred in your relationship, the 777 rule alone ain’t going to be like avocado: Putting it on top isn’t going to magically make everything better.

Also, don’t get too caught up in the letter of the rule, or even the number of the rule. It doesn’t have to be exactly seven days, seven weeks, and seven months. The number seven is a bit arbitrary. You don’t need to say, “Honey, we can’t go on a date Friday, because we just went on one Wednesday. The next one has to come next Wednesday.” That could lead you to spend the next seven hours sleeping on the couch. Naturally, it’s best to adjust the timing of such things to fit the two of you and your circumstances. Maybe your relationship needs these together times to be more frequent, such as a 555 rule.

Some may argue that such rules take the spontaneity and romance out of things by making it feel like you are simply fulfilling a requirement. The argument is that spending more time alone with your significant other should come naturally. If you are already spending such time with your significant other, then maybe you can deep-six the 777 rule. But for many, other aspects of life can get far too hectic and the distractions can mount. This can make it easy to lose sight of the big picture and forget that it’s been way too long since you and your one-and-only have been functioning as two together. This is where numbers and some counting can help make sure that your focus is more on what really counts.

Connect with one of our Marriage Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapyeating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A. of Psychology Today

Invest In Yourself For Relationship Growth

If you can’t keep it together, your relationship can’t either.

Sometimes, the right thing to do when your relationship feels off track is to check in on yourself.

Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage, recommends that you take some time to be “selfish.” If that word feels funny to you, think of it as investing in you. Our research found that taking care of yourself helps your relationship grow stronger. Both you and your partner will benefit from a release of tension. Here are a few ideas you can start with:

Filled with nervous energy or frustration? Take some time to engage in physical activity and work it off. If it helps to diminish stress, bring your favorite music along. The relief you gain from spending time moving your body may lessen your likelihood to snap at your partner.

Does reading soothe you? Head to the library and check out a new book. Many local libraries have ebooks that you can read on any device. Let yourself fall into the world of fiction or if you prefer to fill your head with a new subject matter.

Miss your friends? Make a connection. Whether it’s over a video chat platform or you skip over to your favorite coffee shop, be intentional about reaching out to your friends. Taking the time to reconnect with those who feel like your home away from home will leave you all feeling rejuvenated.

In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.

The Dalai Lama

Take a moment to contemplate what activities help you feel refreshed. It may be different depending on the day. Some mornings you’ll need quiet and a cup of coffee while others you need 30 minutes on your yoga mat. Whatever it is, commit to carving out time every day to do a “selfish” activity that helps you feel like you again. You’ll find yourself in a better headspace and ready to invest in your partner and your relationship.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapyeating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: The Gottman Institute

Happy couple who utilizes couples therapy by a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wi

The Four Horseman and Their Antidotes…The Secret to Managing Relationship Conflict

The Gottman Institute studies relationships and looks for evidenced based signs of what works, and what doesn’t. They use the metaphor of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe four dynamics that can predict the end of a romantic relationship. Luckily, they have also discovered the “antidotes” that can change these unhealthy dynamics.

Criticism

Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with some level of blame. Often “you” statements – “You should have done the laundry by now, you know I wanted to go out later!”

Antidote: Complaining – Expressing anger or disagreement about a specific behavior. Often uses “I” statements – “I wanted the laundry to be finished by now so I could get out before everything closes.” Complaining does not involve blame or get personal.

Next time, try: Instead of criticizing the other person, tell them what you would like them to do instead.

Defensiveness

Avoiding any responsibility for partner’s complaints. This can look like denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing with negative mind-reading, cross-complaining, “yes-but”-ing, repeating yourself, whining.

Antidote: Taking responsibility for some part of the problem.

Next time, try: Considering if there any part of the other person’s complaint that makes some sense to you. If so, say, “I can see what you’re saying about (this part).” See how that changes the conversation.

Contempt

The intention here is to insult and psychologically abuse the other person. This happens when the relationship feels so negative, that one partner has difficulty identifying anything positive about the other. It can include insults and name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery. It is also visible in body language and facial expressions. Contempt in communication between partners is a strong predictor of divorce.

Antidote: Culture of appreciation – focus on what you admire about the other person.

Next time, try: Noticing when you are expressing contempt and stopping yourself immediately. There are also exercises that you can do to remember and rekindle the things you admire or appreciate about the other person, which will start to shift the habit of expressing contempt.

Stonewalling

Habitual disengagement during conflict.

Antidote: Self-soothing—Monitor your emotional arousal during arguments; take breaks and do something to calm down. Find a way to stay engaged in the discussion, even if it means taking a break.

Next time, try: Catching yourself when you are starting to get emotionally overwhelmed during a conflict. Let the other person know you are going to take a break, but will return to finish the discussion when you are more calm. It generally takes about 20 minutes to calm down from “emotional flooding

We can help improve your relationship.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to strengthen your relationship, rebuild your connection, and restore the joy you both once felt.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

 

Article summarized from the Gottman Institute Research.

Couple who's happy because they seek marital counseling at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

2 Ways to Exit a ‘Peter Pan and Wendy’ Relationship Dynamic

Many people come to therapy when they feel their relationship is overburdened with immaturity. They may say things like:

“My partner does not know how to take care of himself and depends on me for everything. It is almost as if I am his mother, and I have to look after his childlike needs.”

“My partner struggles to establish a functional, long-term plan for his life as an adult.”

“We’ve been dating for so long now, but my boyfriend doesn’t like to label our relationship. It seems like he has commitment fear.”

If you relate to the statements above, chances are you’re in a relationship with a “Peter Pan” type personality.

Often characterized as “the boy who never grows up,” people, mostly men, displaying a Peter Pan-like personality can make maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship difficult. According to one study, people afflicted with this syndrome find it hard to express their emotions, avoid listening to their partner, and shirk basic relationship responsibilities.

A recent study lists five key markers of Peter Pan Syndrome, which include:

Emotional paralysis. Dulled emotions or an inability to express feelings in appropriate ways.

Slowness in action. Being apathetic, procrastinating in tasks, and frequently being late.

Avoidance of responsibility. Avoiding accountability for their mistakes and blaming others.

Mother-like expectations from partners. Difficulty with maternal relationships and treating future romantic partners as mother figures.

-Tensed relationship with father figures. Feelings of distance from one’s father and trouble with male authority figures.

Much like in the children’s story, the female counterparts in these relationships, known as the “Wendy,” often enable Peter Pan to continue living a life without responsibility. They might do this by making decisions on their behalf, cleaning up after them, or offering relentless emotional support without getting anything in return.

Unfortunately, those who fall into the “Wendy” role may not even realize it. This can naturally cause abrasion in relationships and negatively affect the quality of the partnership.

Here are two ways to manage a Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome in your relationship.

1. Help them get a grip on adulthood.

Desiring changes to how a person currently functions through slow and measured steps can help two people in a relationship transform for the better.

As much as we like to say we love people for who they are, remember that at least a little bit of give and take and gradual improvement is necessary for a romantic relationship to flourish.

However, handling the “man-child” of a relationship can be tricky. Fencing them in can suffocate their needs for freedom and play. It’s often better to communicate and advocate for your own needs and desires in the relationship while also allowing them time and space to act in accordance with them.

Do not forget to celebrate your partner’s efforts every step of the way by showing them appreciation and affection. Hold them accountable for what they say they will do and focus on small victories rather than massive behavioral overhauls.

2. Stall your enabling behaviors.

Ending enabling behaviors, like tidying up after them every time they make a mess, getting their car cleaned, or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change. Keep in mind that expecting drastic changes is unrealistic. No change can happen overnight. You will have to be patient while you wait to see changes in your partner’s behaviors. Consider these questions while attempting to back out of your enabling behavior.

-Are my actions helping or hurting me in the long run?
-Is it worth shouldering all the responsibilities of a relationship alone?
-Am I truly happy and satisfied in this relationship?
-Can I ignore my current frustration in the grand scheme of things?

Never ask your partner to change who they are. After all, that’s probably the reason you fell in love with them in the first place.

However, it is reasonable to expect people to mature and improve themselves over time. If you feel your partner is perpetually stuck in a juvenile phase and is unable or unwilling to bring about any of the changes you are asking for, you might consider seeking out a new partner whose goals and behaviors are more congruent with yours.

Hillary Counseling offers couples therapy and online therapy services to help you gain tools to improve your relationship.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation!

Happy interracial couple who sought premarital counseling by a licensed therapist

Assuming Positive Intentions In Your Relationship

“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~Mildred Barthel

I used to think he was out to get me. The man of my dreams was continually plotting to undermine my happiness in countless ways, all for some mysterious reason I couldn’t comprehend.

Can you give me a ride to work today?” He missed his shuttle on the morning I had my first speech, a forty-five-minute drive in the opposite direction. He obviously didn’t want me to succeed in my career.

Are you wearing that tonight?” Oh great, just before we go out to meet friends for dinner he wanted to throw off my confidence in how I looked. Did he think I was getting fat?

Can you come help me with this?” Couldn’t he see that I was in the middle of a relaxing Saturday morning, my first bit of sanity after a very stressful week? He must not care if I got any down time, though you could bet he’d be sitting on the couch watching golf all afternoon.

A lot of my time was spent stewing, working over these scenarios and replaying them in my mind. Overthinking was my specialty, my calling card in life. I prided myself on seeing things other people missed, reading between the lines to get to the “real” meaning.

These little bits of drama took a lot of mental effort for me to concoct, but after a while I became really good at them. I could summon up a motive from his every glance or change of tone, sometimes simply from thin air.

Nevermind that I still considered him my dream man, just one with the not-so-adorable quirk of trying to undermine happiness.

What did that say about me?

Like most of my uncomfortable feelings, I pushed these thoughts down, working to keep things cool on the surface while I boiled underneath.

Life kept moving forward, and then one day my brother had a heart attack. A year later, a friend had a brain aneurysm. Both survived, but it changed our mindset about time and dreams.

We decided to sell everything we owned and travel the world, taking our retirement dreams and living them at midlife instead, when we had the health and energy to enjoy them. It was a beautiful time, planning our grand adventure and then stepping into it together.

But still, I had these nagging thoughts about him and his continued efforts to rob me of my happiness, even as we were living out our biggest dream. Looking back, it was pure insanity.

I read about this site in Northern Peru that’s supposed to be really cool. Want to go there next instead of Machu Picchu?” He knew I was dying to go to Machu Picchu. Why would he try to take that away from me? He didn’t want me to be happy.

Why don’t you write in the early mornings so we still have the days to explore Edinburgh together?” He knew I wasn’t a morning person, so why would he ask such a thing? Because he was a morning person, that’s why. He thought I was lazy.

I’ve been editing the podcasts and you say “this and that” a lot. It detracts from the message. Can you tamp it down?” Hey, I just got a compliment from a guest on my radio voice. Why was he nitpicking like that? He couldn’t stand it that someone said something nice to me.

None of my thoughts were said out loud, but they did needle at my happiness in small bursts multiple times a day. We were rarely apart in this traveling lifestyle, especially when we started publishing books and podcasts together, and I found an ulterior motive in almost everything he said. Over time, my brain almost melted at the continuous effort required to read into his every word. It was a full-time job.

Then a very big fight happened, one of those life-changing arguments, and I let the cat out of the bag. He was stunned.

“Of course I’m not out to get you. I love you.”

At the end of all the harsh words and tears this was a revelation, an insight into this years-long issue in our relationship.

It wasn’t him; it was me.

All those years of reading between the lines, a skill I’d honed since childhood, kept me from seeing reality. I was ignoring the black and white meaning of what he said in favor of some imagined murky gray story with no basis in fact.

My writer’s mind was altering my own life story, as it happened, without the consent or knowledge of the other main character. I was changing a light-hearted romance into a mystery and painting my husband as the bad guy.

In the aftermath of the very big fight, we agreed to always assume the best intentions of the other person, no matter what words were chosen in the delivery. Instead of picking apart how it was said, we would focus on where it came from, which was always from the heart.

Questions were encouraged. Clarification was required. No guessing games allowed.

It was surprising how fast this one change impacted my outlook. I stopped spinning crazy stories in my head and focused on the moment, what this man who loved me was trying to convey. When I didn’t understand, or the understanding I had was negative, I asked for clarification.

He always freely gave it.

He wanted to see everything in the world with me. He wanted me to have time to write, but also to play together. He wanted the work we produced to be as professional as possible, and he knew we both had quirks to overcome.

The meaning was there in plain sight, in the honesty of his words. He wanted the best for us in everything, as anyone in love would.

He wasn’t out to get me. He was out to love me, to share a life with me, and all I had to do was take him at his word.

The day we vowed to always assume the best intentions in each other was as powerful as the day we vowed to be together forever. And it makes honoring that marriage vow a lot more enjoyable.

How to Train Yourself to Assume the Best Intentions

1. Every single day, compliment or thank your partner for something they have done.

Make gratitude for what they do right an everyday thing and the occasional slipups will not seem as big. It also reinforces positive behaviors, making them more likely to continue.

2. When your partner says or does something that rankles you, first stop and ask yourself if a stranger in the room with you right at that moment would have the same reaction.

If you’re overthinking, you will have added layers of meaning that aren’t there. But if you look at it from the outside, it’s a more realistic version of events. It will help center you.

3. If all else fails, ask for clarification.

“I may have taken this the wrong way. Did you mean X?” This gives your partner the chance to clear it up right away, before you’ve had a chance to concoct a story in your head.

It will take some time to train yourself from over thinking and reading between the lines, but it can be done. And you (and your partner) will be happier because of it.

Article written by: Betsy Talbot of Tiny Buddha Blog

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Two black LGBTQIA+ women who seek therapy from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Secrets to Finding a Great Partner

My friend Katie met her husband-to-be, Tom, during orientation week in college. They were the couple everyone envied. They spent all their time together and they never seemed to argue. They had the same major and shared many of their hobbies. They liked each other’s families and friends. So it wasn’t a big surprise when Katie and Tom got married soon after graduation. They have two sweet kids, a boy and a girl. Katie stays home taking care of the kids and Tom has a well-paid job as an architect in a local company.

And last year… they got divorced.

Katie and Tom’s story is not unique. Almost every second marriage in the U.S. gets divorced at some point.

And yet, if Katie and Tom had been looking for a partner through a matching company, they would have been pretty much a perfect match for each other. But something didn’t go right.

What is it that Katie and Tom, and so many others, are missing? Why do our “perfect matches” often turn out to be less than perfect or downright disappointing?

The Unconscious Foundation of Your Relationships

In our research, we’ve found that there’s much more to true compatibility than variables like age, religion, culture, hobbies, attitudes, and beliefs. Part of the issue is that there’s a lot we do not know about ourselves, and not knowing ourselves sometimes gets in the way of successful relationships.

Everybody has a set of love stories, that is, a set of ideas, beliefs, and preconceptions about what a relationship should be like, how to behave in a relationship, and what the ideal partner should be like. But—we’re not consciously aware of our love stories.

So if you want to find someone who’s a truly good match for you, here are five keys that you need to keep in mind:

1. Your love stories influence every aspect of your relationship.

You have love stories in your mind that determine which potential partners you’re interested in and that shape your expectation of what a relationship should be like, how you should behave in a relationship, how you should interpret your partner’s actions, how you should interact with your partner, and so on.

Your love stories represent the essence of your life—the relationships of family members, neighbors, and friends you have observed since you were a child, your own experiences with other people, the stories you have read in books and watched in movies.

There is no objective reality; rather, it’s your stories that give your relationship meaning.

2. Happy relationships involve matching love stories.

Obviously, you’re not the only one with love stories; everybody else has them as well. But there are stories that tend to work better and others that are maladaptive. Additionally, some stories work better together than others. For example, if you have a fantasy story and are looking for a super romantic relationship with your own personal princess, but your partner is not so much interested in romance but rather in creating a relationship that runs smoothly like a business, ensuring you are making good money and have clearly spelled out duties that need to be fulfilled responsibly, both of you are likely to end up disappointed.

You and your partner do not need to have the same story, but for a happy long-term relationship, you will need stories that are compatible with each other.

3. Understand what you really want from your relationship.

The love stories you have given rise to what we call the “core components of love.” Depending on your love story, you may have a different need for:

  • Intimacy (that is, how close, bonded, and connected you feel)
  • Passion (that is, how much emotional and physical attraction, as well as romance you have in your relationship), and
  • Commitment in your relationship

The issue is—we often are not consciously aware of what we truly want, and where our relationship lags. Dig deep and figure out what you want from your relationship in terms of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Does your partner want the same as you do? If not, try to close those gaps to make your relationship work and fulfill your own needs as well as the needs of your partner.

4. Your partner’s feelings for you matter less than you think.

In our studies, we have found that people often haven’t the foggiest idea of how their partner feels about them—and the people who participated in our studies were in stable relationships!

The point is, we can’t ever really know what someone else thinks or feels.

What matters to our happiness is how we want our partner to feel for us, and whether we believe they’re actually feeling that way. For example, your partner may feel that they’re very committed to your relationship. If you don’t feel that they are committed and consequently feel anxious or jealous most of the time, your partner’s factual commitment really doesn’t matter that much to your happiness.

Think about whether you have enough (or too much) of intimacy, passion, and commitment in a relationship, and if there’s a gap, act!

5. Your relationship needs to match your (and your partner’s) needs—not the expectations of those around you.

Your love stories determine the kind of relationship and partner you’re looking for and what you expect your relationship to be like. You’ll be happiest when you and your partner have compatible love stories and you meet each other’s needs. The expectations of those around you—parents, family, and friends—as well as those of society matter much less.

You have to realize that there is no wrong or right love story, and it’s all right for you to seek your happiness no matter what others think of your conception of a loving relationship.

The key to your happiness is finding someone whose love story is compatible with yours.

Looking to learn more about finding the RIGHT relationship for YOU? Contact us to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our relationship experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

 

Article By: Karen and Robert Sternberg, Ph.Ds

Happy couple who regularly seeks couples therapy by a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Relationship Tool…How Conflict Helps You Understand Your Partner

The purpose of conflict is to more fully understand your partner.

Does this sound familiar? You think the conflict is about who is going to pick up your child after school. It’s going to be a simple decision—it’s either you or your partner. But, somehow, there is no simple resolution. The conflict seems bigger than that. It feels like something deeper is going on for one or both of you.

The conflict
Let’s use this scenario as an example:

Sam and Chris are discussing who is going to pick up their daughter from school. Sam says to Chris, “I can pick her up after school today.”

Chris says, “No, I’d like to pick her up.”

Sam comes back with, “You’re so busy at work today and I have the day off. I’m happy to do it.”

Chris persists, “You should enjoy your day off. I can fit it into my work day.”

They go back and forth like this for a while.

When the resolution for the conflict feels like it should be easier than it turns out to be, that is the indicator that there might be some dreams within the conflict at play. Step back and go deeper to the dream level.

Questions to gain understanding
To get there, Sam and Chris can ask each other these kinds of questions:

“Can you tell me what makes this important to you?”
“Does this relate to your background in some way?”
“Is there a deeper purpose or goal for you about picking up our child at school?”
“What do you feel about it?”
“What is your wish in this situation? What is your need?”
“What will happen if your dream isn’t honored?”

Chris might share that when they were growing up, Chris’s parents weren’t involved in the daily school pick=up. Perhaps because of this, Chris feels distant from their parents. Chris has decided to parent differently.

Sam might share concerns about Chris’s job stability and doesn’t want to interrupt Chris’s workday when Sam could do the pick-up without intruding on work. Sam might further express a craving for financial security because that was absent from Sam’s childhood.

Dreams within conflict
Consider two things. First, relationships are not better if they are free of conflict, and in fact, all relationships have some sort of conflict in them. Second, the purpose of conflict is not resolution. The purpose of conflict is to more fully understand your partner.

With this conflict definition, understanding each other’s dreams within the conflict can lead to a successful conflict outcome.

Learning to recognize when there is this deeper dream level in a conflict will allow you to explore the dreams within the conflict and then move through the conflict more easily and peacefully.

Sam and Chris now understand each other’s perspectives more fully. Even if they still disagree, they’ve deepened their understanding of one another, they’ve grown closer, and they can come to a solution.

Article By: Jennifer Pesetky of The Gottman Institute