When my brother and I were feuding—on our way to an estrangement—our mother repeatedly admonished me to “be the bigger person” and reach out to address our differences. Every time she said it, I bristled.

It seemed to me that “the bigger person” would face facts and recognize the utter impossibility of sustaining a functional relationship. “The bigger person” would wise up, protect herself, and simply walk away.

Recalling this got me thinking about the family’s deep need for cohesiveness and how this leads to members’ urging connection—even with toxic beliefs, dysfunctional rationalizations, and pat half-truths. They turn to trite appeals, invoked so often that they’re accepted as truth: mantras that encourage, even force, siblings and others to sustain relationships.

These remarks are so common, so “reasonable,” that they’re unchallenged in our collective wisdom They’ve become mantras, injunctions whose moral power approaches that of the Ten Commandments.

Typically, these exhortations assume a reciprocal commitment that empirical evidence simply doesn’t support. They minimize the impact of the aggressor’s behavior, absolving the wrongdoer while preying on the empath’s guilt and willingness to accommodate. Their use demands the endurance of unacceptable behavior we wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else, as if all norms of functional relationships should be suspended in the service of family unity.

The Top Ten

Many families want to maintain the perfect family image, so they shut down dissent, avoid confrontation, and dismiss or ignore complaints with statements like these:

1. “Blood is thicker than water.”

Some weaponize this comment to ignore boundaries and justify toxic behavior. Ironically, the statement “blood is thicker than water”—claiming that loyalty to the family is greater than to anyone else—was intended to mean the opposite. Here’s the original Biblical proverb: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It implies that the bonds made by choice are more important than those imposed by common origin.

2. “You need to learn to let things go.” “You only have one brother or sister.”

Inducing guilt and pretending nothing’s wrong cuts off the opportunity to address issues and potentially grow closer through a vulnerable conversation. Family members often pressure victims by reminding them of the preciousness and uniqueness of a relationship—but there’s nothing precious about abuse.

3. “You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.”

These two statements fall into gaslighting, denying reality, and minimizing unacceptable behavior. They encourage a victim to stay silent when aggression should be called out and hurts should be addressed.

4. “Be the bigger person.”

This comment enables an abuser. My mother sensed that I was more malleable than my brother, and she tried to persuade me to initiate a reconciliation with him.

In some cases, however, this comment legitimizes an abuser’s behavior. It invalidates the experience of one who is being abused—and, worse, asks him or her to repudiate injury, instead stepping up and taking a bigger role in repairing a toxic situation. At the same time, it avoids both recognition of and responsibility for misconduct.

5. “Family is everything.” “You can’t choose your family.”

These statements justify bad behavior on the part of family members. Actually, family isn’t everything, and you can choose your family. Creating close, healthy relationships with people outside the family of origin helps create a sense of belonging.

“Voluntary kin can serve as excellent sources of support and fill the roles we associate with family,” says Dr. Kristina Scharp, an associate professor of communication and co-director of the Family Communication and Relationship Lab at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ. “Many people have a difficult time separating the idea of family from biology and law. Yet there is nothing inherent about biology or the law that guarantees a happy or satisfying sibling relationship.”

6. “There are two sides to every story.”

This evasion merely avoids acknowledging mistreatment and bad behavior. Defending or protecting the aggressor requires other family members to walk on eggshells because one person can’t manage their own emotions.

7. “That’s not what she meant; you know how she is.” “It isn’t a big deal.”

Here again, these excusing, minimizing comments allow the most dysfunctional family member to set the dynamic for the group. Efforts to “get along” with difficult family members may create an enmeshed dependence that compromises self-agency.

Always accommodating one person’s wishes or needs can become a practice of “people-pleasing.” Far from “just being nice,” fawning or people-pleasing are strenuous efforts to appease others. Often they’re trauma responses, meant to keep the peace at any cost. People-pleasers avoid conflict by changing their behavior, morphing themselves into an unhealthy, self-denying relative.

8. “Can’t you take a joke?”

Negating someone’s experience by claiming something was intended to be funny conveniently dodges accountability for the aggressor. This type of comment blame-shifts and actually calls out the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the aggressor’s cruelty, this comment faults the injured for not having a sense of humor.

9. “We just need to get past this.”

Remarks like this ignore fixed dynamics, often firmly established over the years. Furthermore, these comments engage in future faking.

Think of the sign, frequently posted in bars, promising “free beer tomorrow.” Of course, “tomorrow” never comes. Relatives, likewise, promise a better future to manipulate the present and get what they want.

10. “If things were reversed, I would do this for you.”

There’s no way to prove this statement simply because the situation has never been reversed. This type of comment creates a false equivalence and instills a sense of guilt as the affected family member is made to feel that he or she is less-than and doesn’t measure up to expectations.

These myths or falsehoods have been burnished with time and repetition for so long that they have the patina of eternal truths. When a family member trots out one of these familiar mantras, ask yourself, “What are their real intentions?”

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Article by: Fern Schumer Chapman