man sitting on a rocky shore by the ocean

How Trauma Lives in the Body — and Shapes the Brain

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By: Hillary Counseling

Trauma isn’t just an emotional wound—it’s something your body carries. You might feel it in your muscles, your breath, your gut, or your nervous system. It’s not only about what happened, but how your body and mind registered that experience in the moment.

Trauma can stem from a single life-altering event or from ongoing stress over time. Either way, it can leave lasting imprints on how you think, feel, and respond to the world.

What Is Trauma?

At its core, trauma is your body’s and mind’s response to something overwhelming—an event or series of events that felt unsafe, threatening, or simply “too much” to process at the time. What’s traumatic for one person may not be for another. What matters most is how your nervous system interpreted the experience and whether you had the safety and support you needed to cope.

Common sources of trauma include:

  • Physical abuse or assault

  • Emotional or psychological abuse

  • Sexual violence

  • Natural disasters or accidents

  • Neglect or abandonment

  • Witnessing violence

  • Religious or spiritual coercion or control

How Trauma Is Stored in the Body

1. The Body Keeps the Score

Trauma researcher Dr. Bessel van der Kolk coined this phrase to describe how overwhelming experiences leave a lasting imprint—emotionally and physically. When the body’s fight-or-flight system is activated but never fully calms down, the stress response can become chronic. The memory doesn’t get stored as a typical past event.

Instead, it’s often held as sensory fragments—smells, sights, sounds, bodily sensations—that can be triggered without conscious awareness or a clear storyline.

2. Muscle Memory and Somatic Holding

Traumatic experiences often lead to “holding patterns,” where the body carries unresolved tension from the past. This might look like:

  • Tightness in the neck, shoulders, or jaw

  • Shallow breathing

  • Chronic pain or digestive issues

  • Panic-like symptoms without a clear trigger

In some cases, the body remembers what the mind cannot—especially in complex trauma (C-PTSD), where harm is ongoing, relational, and often invisible to others.

3. The Nervous System and Dysregulation

Trauma can throw the autonomic nervous system—the part of your body that regulates heart rate, digestion, and stress—off balance. Survivors often get stuck in cycles of:

  • Hyperarousal: Feeling constantly on edge, anxious, or panicked

  • Hypoarousal: Feeling numb, disconnected, or shut down

This explains why someone might swing between overwhelm and emotional disconnection.

Because these patterns live in the body, talk therapy alone isn’t always enough. Trauma-informed approaches often include body-based methods such as:

  • Somatic Experiencing (SE): Gently releases trapped survival energy through body awareness

  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Uses bilateral stimulation to help integrate traumatic memories

  • Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Combines body awareness with emotional and cognitive processing

  • Yoga or movement therapy: Helps rebuild safety and connection with the body

How Trauma Impacts the Brain

Trauma also changes the brain’s structure and function, especially in three key areas:

  1. The Amygdala — The Alarm System

    • Becomes overactive, constantly scanning for danger

    • Can lead to anxiety, exaggerated startle responses, and difficulty calming down

  2. The Hippocampus — The Memory Organizer

    • Helps process and sequence memories

    • Trauma can cause it to shrink or work less effectively

    • Memories may feel fragmented, sensory-based, or “stuck in the present” (flashbacks)

  3. The Prefrontal Cortex — The Rational Thinker

    • Governs decision-making and emotional regulation

    • Under stress, it’s less able to override the amygdala’s alarm signals

    • Makes it harder to think clearly, control impulses, or assess real vs. perceived threats

When these systems are out of sync, you might know you’re safe logically, but your body still reacts as if you’re in danger.

Why Trauma Lingers

Trauma can persist long after the event because:

  • The brain stores it as “still happening” rather than as a past event

  • Chronic muscle tension, shallow breathing, or pain keep the body in a stress loop

  • Triggers re-activate the original survival response

  • Coping strategies like dissociation or emotional suppression delay processing

  • For religious trauma, internalized guilt, shame, or fear can reinforce the wound

Healing From Trauma in Therapy

Healing isn’t about erasing what happened—it’s about helping your body and brain process it so the past stops running the present.Trauma-informed therapy focuses on:

  • Regulating the nervous system

  • Processing memories in a safe, contained way

  • Challenging beliefs shaped by trauma

  • Building healthy coping tools

Effective modalities may include Somatic Experiencing (SE), EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and other body-based or integrative therapies.

The Path to Wholeness

Trauma responses are not character flaws—they are adaptations your nervous system made to survive. By addressing both the body and the brain, therapy can loosen trauma’s grip, restore a sense of safety, and create space for something new.

If you’re ready to take the next step, we invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Hillary Counseling to explore how we can support your healing journey.

Is Trauma Therapy or EMDR Right for You?

If you’re feeling weighed down by the past, stuck in cycles you can’t seem to break, or triggered by things that “shouldn’t” bother you anymore, trauma therapy or EMDR could be the next step toward healing.

These approaches aren’t about erasing what happened—they’re about helping your body and mind process it, so you can feel safe, grounded, and more fully yourself. Whether your trauma stems from a single overwhelming event or years of ongoing stress, our goal is to help you release what’s been held inside and reclaim your life.

At Hillary Counseling, our trauma-informed therapists—including specialists trained in EMDR—are here to walk alongside you with compassion, curiosity, and evidence-based tools for recovery.

Interested in trauma therapy or EMDR? We’d love to help. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment or get started with a free 15-minute consultation.
woman reading

Understanding Dialectical Behavior Therapy: How It Works and Who It Helps

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By Hillary Counseling

In today’s world, navigating emotions, relationships, and stressors can feel overwhelming — especially when traditional coping strategies just aren’t cutting it. That’s where Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can make a life-changing difference. But what exactly is DBT, and how do you know if it’s the right approach for you?

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

DBT is a highly effective, evidence-based form of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the late 1980s. Originally created to support individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD), DBT has since proven to be helpful for a wide range of mental health concerns.

The term “dialectical” means integrating two seemingly opposite ideas — acceptance and change. In DBT, clients are supported in learning how to accept themselves and their experiences while also working toward meaningful, lasting change.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, DBT is skills-based and structured, combining individual therapy, skills training, and coaching to help clients manage intense emotions, reduce impulsive behaviors, and improve relationships.

Core Components of DBT

DBT focuses on four key skill areas:

🧠 Mindfulness – Learning to stay present and observe thoughts and emotions without judgment.
🛠️ Distress Tolerance – Building tools to survive emotional crises without making things worse.
💬 Interpersonal Effectiveness – Navigating relationships with greater assertiveness, clarity, and respect.
🌊 Emotion Regulation – Understanding and managing emotional responses before they become overwhelming.

These skills are taught and practiced in a supportive, validating environment — one that acknowledges how hard life can be, while helping clients build resilience and strength.

Who Can DBT Help?

While DBT was developed for individuals with borderline personality disorder, its benefits extend far beyond that diagnosis. At Hillary Counseling, we often recommend DBT-informed therapy for clients struggling with:

  • Chronic emotional dysregulation

  • Self-harm or suicidal thoughts

  • Impulsivity or intense anger

  • Eating disorders

  • PTSD and trauma

  • Anxiety and depression

  • Relationship difficulties

  • Substance use

DBT is especially helpful for individuals who feel “stuck” in therapy, or who’ve been told they’re “too emotional,” “too sensitive,” or “too much.” DBT doesn’t pathologize emotion — it empowers people to understand and navigate it.

What to Expect in DBT at Hillary Counseling

While we don’t offer full DBT programs (which often include group skills training and phone coaching), several of our therapists are DBT-informed, meaning they integrate core DBT strategies into individual therapy sessions.

In working with a DBT-informed therapist, you can expect:
✔ A structured, goal-focused approach
✔ Practical tools for emotion regulation and communication
✔ A validating, nonjudgmental environment
✔ Homework to help you build skills between sessions

Is DBT Right for You?

If you’re tired of feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, stuck in the same patterns, or struggling to make progress in therapy, DBT may be the next right step. It’s not about becoming someone else — it’s about learning to live fully and skillfully as yourself.

At Hillary Counseling, our therapists are here to walk alongside you with compassion, curiosity, and practical support.

Interested in DBT-informed therapy?
We’d love to help. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment and get started with a free 15-minute consultation.

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, men’s issues, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

man with ADHD sitting on bed using laptop

Is It Burnout—or Is Your ADHD Telling You Something?

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By Hillary Counseling

Burnout isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it sneaks in quietly—through the missed texts, the half-eaten meals, the rising anxiety you can’t quite name. While burnout is often associated with high-stress jobs or caregiving roles, we’re seeing it show up just as intensely in people with ADHD and other neurodivergent identities.

ADHD brains are uniquely wired, which also means burnout can look—and feel—different. If you live with ADHD, you may be more sensitive to overstimulation, emotional dysregulation, or dopamine depletion. And when those systems start to crash, the result isn’t just “being tired”—it’s a total depletion of physical, emotional, and mental energy.

Here are some signs that your ADHD may be signaling burnout:

1. You’re Withdrawing from Everyone

Responding to a simple text can feel like a chore. Socializing? Overwhelming. Even when you crave connection, it may feel easier to go silent. That’s not laziness—it’s self-preservation. When you’re low on energy, your brain naturally tries to conserve it. Unfortunately, that often means disappearing from people you care about.

If your unread messages are stacking up or you find yourself dreading every ping and notification, this could be your brain’s way of saying “I need a break.”

2. Everyday Sensory Input Feels Like Too Much

Suddenly, your clothes feel itchy. Every sound seems louder. The texture of your favorite snack makes you cringe. This kind of sensory overload happens when your brain no longer has the capacity to filter information the way it usually does.

This is a big red flag that your system is maxed out. When your environment feels unbearable, your body may be trying to tell you it’s time to slow down.

3. You’re Over-Apologizing or People-Pleasing

When you’re burned out, emotional regulation becomes harder. Your ability to talk yourself out of anxious thoughts takes a hit. That little piece of feedback at work? It suddenly feels catastrophic. A text without a smiley face? It sends you spiraling.

This is where rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) often kicks in, leading to over-apologizing or trying too hard to appease others—just to avoid even the perception of conflict. If you’re constantly adapting or apologizing to prevent discomfort, that’s not people-pleasing—it’s burnout behavior.

4. You’re Craving Sugar, Caffeine, or Comfort Foods

Your body is incredibly smart. When it senses energy depletion, it seeks quick dopamine—often through sugar, caffeine, or even nicotine. If you’ve found yourself standing in front of the fridge at odd hours or relying heavily on coffee to power through the day, your system may be trying to refill its tank.

While these cravings make sense in the short term, they’re not a long-term solution. What your body really needs is rest, not a dopamine hit.

5. Your ADHD Symptoms Are More Intense Than Usual

When burnout hits, your executive functioning takes a nosedive. You may find it harder to focus, stay on task, follow through on deadlines, or even start simple routines. This isn’t a character flaw—it’s a signal that your brain is running low on the energy it needs to regulate itself.

This is the moment when many people start to spiral—sleepless nights, impulsive decisions, or emotional shutdowns aren’t far behind. Catching these signs early can prevent a full-on crash.

So What Can You Do?

Here’s how to start repairing your system gently and intentionally:

✅ Clear your plate: Cut anything from your schedule that isn’t essential to your basic functioning. If it’s not directly related to survival—like eating, resting, or getting to work—it can wait.

✅ Listen to your body: Eat simple, nourishing meals. Drink water. Sleep when you’re tired—even if it’s earlier than usual. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be enough.

✅ Give yourself permission to rest: Burnout creates a vicious cycle where we feel too overwhelmed to start anything but too guilty to rest. Break the cycle. Choose rest—even if the to-do list isn’t done.

✅ Ask for help: Burnout and ADHD make prioritizing hard. Let someone you trust help you get grounded—a friend, a therapist, or even a written plan for the next few days.

✅ Redefine success: You don’t have to do it all. And you definitely don’t have to do it perfectly. If you’re doing your best with the energy you have, that’s success.

You are not broken. Your brain is not the problem.

Burnout is not a failure—it’s a signal. At Hillary Counseling, we help clients with ADHD learn to work with their brains instead of constantly pushing against them.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out alone, either. Reach out to our team to learn more about therapy for ADHD, burnout, or neurodivergent care.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, men’s issues, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

4 Types of Burnout

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Burnout, an occupational health concern, is described as exhaustion related mostly to work, although it applies to other domains too. Burnout carries emotional exhaustion (e.g., emotional drain/depletion), physical exhaustion (e.g., taking more time in the morning to get ready for work), and cognitive exhaustion (e.g., inability to concentrate on tasks that were previously easy to complete).

The symptoms vary among individuals, but a clear indicator of burnout is a progressive distance or mental detachment from work responsibilities. Although burnout is not recognized as a formal medical condition, it is a concern that can affect all areas of life and have a substantial impact on the psycho-social functioning of the individual.

There is emerging evidence regarding the subtypes of burnout, such as the frenetic, under-challenged, and worn-out subtypes, and more recently the misalignment subtype. Considering the level of work dedication, one may experience a transition from one form of burnout to another.

Common sub-types of burnout

Frenetic sub-type:

  • Characterized by work overload, and usually a high level of dedication
  • It is commonly attached to the “law of compensation” in psychology, meaning an overachievement at work and underachievement in other areas of life (e.g., personal life)

Under-challenged sub-type:

  • Characterized by an under-stimulating environment where work tasks are mostly repetitive
  • Over time, work becomes uninteresting and monotonous
  • There are no clear avenues for professional growth

Worn-out sub-type:

  • Also known as neglect burnout
  • Characterized by learned helplessness and hopelessness
  • Typically related to unstructured or unclear tasks, the individual adopts a progressive neglectful approach in the face of potentially demanding and stressful work

Misalignment sub-type:

  • Characterized by a discrepancy between the company’s values and the personal values and life principles of the individual
  • Such burnout is often present in jobs that are considered uninspiring for some people
  • Professional and personal fulfillment are considered conflicting (misaligned)

Suggestions to navigate a chapter with burnout:

  • Identify the type of burnout you are experiencing. Be honest, authentic, and transparent with yourself as this form of self-reflection is fundamental to starting a fresh direction in terms of the prospective approach to work.
  • Identify personality traits and explore their correlation with burnout in your particular situation. An interesting literature review found that some people are at a higher risk of experiencing burnout depending on their personality traits, such as higher levels of neuroticism or lower agreeableness according to the Big Five model of personality. As a prevention measure, having awareness of one’s personality traits helps in aligning personal characteristics with different job profiles to limit burnout rates.
  • If possible, discuss your concerns with your manager. Suppose you are one of those lucky individuals who can address their professional circumstances with the managerial team. This is a great opportunity to negotiate tasks that are in line with your objectives, personal values, and future professional development.
  • Discuss with a therapist who can provide support and advice regarding different perspectives while considering your abilities. An experienced therapist can help you identify and unlock the fusion between past personal circumstances and present work situations.
  • What are the challenges at work? Are there perhaps personal patterns that arise at work but their core lies in family or relationship dynamics? This could potentially be food for introspection. For example, a person who was raised in an unpredictable and chronic stressful environment may seek present job profiles that resemble core emotional and cognitive responses from the past.
  • Implement quality over quantity. Some people engage in their work from a quantitative standpoint (the more hours they engage at work, the greater performance they expect). This is a myth and a counterproductive approach to a healthy outlook at work. Research indicates that spending fewer hours at work, taking regular breaks, having a more realistic work-life balance, or working, for instance, a four-day week can boost productivity and overall well-being, and reduce burnout rates.
  • Take a break. It can happen that you did parts of the above. If there is financial stability (you have savings for a certain period), an incredible way to reconnect and find a purposeful job is to wander around freely, to let your mind rest and come up with new ideas. Replenish energy to gain a fresh perspective. That may come from internal work, traveling or perhaps engaging with the community. In many cases, you are the expert of your life, trust your intuition.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about BURNOUT or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Alexandria Ghita of Psychology Today

Person seeking grief counseling from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Tools To Reset Grief’s Anger

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Grief and anger are often aligned. Anger is one phase within the theme of grief that is alarmingly unpredictable, erratic, and, when unexpressed, can eat up the interior of the gut.

The Grief Experience

Grief, a response to a loss of someone or something, creates an untenable yearning for what you’ve lost. Both anger and grief are unchosen experiences, sneaking up on you, often without warning, only creating responses leading to internal and external emotional combustibility.

Avoid Crushing Your Comfortable Ordinary

Think about this combustibility like a big bang that goes off and affects your mind, body, and psyche. Acting in consort, these two aspects do a great job at crushing any sense of normalcy. Or what I like to refer to as your comfortable “ordinary.” Together, they have the ability to overwhelm the senses, all the while creating emotional responses that are often unrecognizable. You may hear yourself saying “Did I just say or do that?” and, yet, all of it is part of life, part of loving, part of being.

As hard as you try, ignoring what comes up only works for a short time before it starts to come out sideways. What I mean by that is that your body or mind can feel out of it, as they hold the unspoken and hidden angers and grief.

How to Tame the Tiger of Anger and Grief

Acknowledge their presence. When you do that simple step, you create the necessary healing moves needed to feel better. It is getting to yes—I see you, I know you are there, and I can’t sleep you away, eat you away, or drink you away.

I know I can’t pretend anymore. It’s taking me away from me and the life I want to live.

Anger

Here are two questions to begin your intimate adventure into the relationship between anger and grief:

Why is anger one of the anchors in the phases of grief?
Why is it hard to temper its potency?
Like food, anger is an essential element to the core of our being. It’s primal. It’s an aspect of survival. In small doses, or when it shows up to support one’s primal survival mode, anger pushes at that which is unwanted or threatening to our sense of self. Grief is often an immobilizing experience. Anger interrupts the immobilization often inherent in the grieving process. Honor it, express it with intent to change the undermining status quo of grief, and stop being enveloped by the vortex of quicksand when long-haul grief is present.

Anger can awaken you out of complacency.
Anger can show you how you care more than you realize.
Anger can make you feel alive, especially when in the muck of grief.
Anger can expel feelings of anxiety.
Anger can be a powerful ally.
Anger Is Not Rage

For someone who has not expressed anger, and has kept it within themselves, its expression can feel like rage. Rage is blinding and binding and out of control.

Angry outbursts create combustible environments for anyone on the receiving end of a tirade. Often difficult to control, anger builds up when you’re not being true to yourself. It’s easy to want to blame others for the grief you feel. Usually, the grief you feel is not anyone’s fault. The experience of a loss is driven by the crude awakening that you are in this alone. It is your lone journey, and no one understands it the way you do.

Before lacing into someone, stop for a moment, take a breath, and reexamine the situation. Follow these next steps, and your anger and grief will be heard and tangled with so you can gain self-control and solace.

5 Tools to Re-regulate the Self When Anger and Grief Are Present

Hint: They do require your presence!

Survey is the first of The Three S’s, survey, stop, and select. It is important to mark what happens in your body and in your mind when the anger starts to emerge. There are warning signs, and they are most likely quite familiar to you. Identify the warning signs of grief and anger—hands sweaty, don’t feel heard by a friend, no appetite, angry at small things. Awareness is the first step to change. This is a body and mind scan.
Body is tight
Jaw hurts
Belly aches
Mind is racing
Mind unable to concentrate
Cold or hot sensations
These signs inform you of a danger zone of anger. Temper the experience by imagining the outcome. Is it the outcome you really want?

2. Now it’s time for the action of Stop, the second of The Three S’s. Stop is an interrupter. First say, “Stop it!” Take in a breath and release it and then:

Drink water
Leave the room
Call a friend
Listen to music
These seemingly innocuous interventions cause the brain to change the anger response it’s locked into. Awareness is the first step to change.

3. Select is the final of The Three S’s. You select the next action based on the preferred outcome.

Keep a journal or notebook with you to create a dreamscape depicting a different outcome: “I am angry about ____________ and this is what I can do about it _____________________________.”
I am alone in my grief, and I need to find support other than friends and family.
4. Learn to breathe. Sounds funny since breathing keeps the body alive, but this is a different type of breath. In five-second intervals, breathe in through your nose, hold the breath, and breathe out through your mouth. Do this exercise five times before letting loose. This will calm the nervous system and create a shift in the ways your mind and body are interacting with the anger response. Practice breathing even when not needed. It will be of greater use when the body knows the rhythm of the breathing exercise.

5. Get smart! Know the self. Your previous behavior is filled with chunky nuggets of information.

What are you yearning for? Name the points of hunger (what feels empty) and desire (what you want or need).

What helped you tame the anger and listen to the temperament of grief? Create a list of feelings that were specific to that occurrence.

Identify the following potential emotional responses that led to the anger and grief response. Jealousy? Regret? Sadness? Lack of control? The list of emotions is endless.

Do this and the conversation between the angry self and the yearning self (grief) will emerge.

The tough emotions of anger and grief are potentially unexpected allies. They will change you through an awakening process that is not chosen yet shifts the status quo into movement and emotional calibration and grace.

Looking for more help working through your GRIEF? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Article By: Edy Nathan of Psychology Today

Confident woman who seeks therapy at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Ways Almost Everyone Misunderstands Emotions

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Our emotions provide valuable data, but there are some ways virtually everyone misinterprets their emotions. This can lead to mismanaging your emotions or the situation they occur in. When you become aware of these, you can adjust so that you’re calmer and more effective.

Here are five common mistakes:

1. We think our emotions relate to the current situation when they relate to the past. Humans are learning machines. We don’t react to new situations as if we’ve never experienced the world before. We react based on all our prior learning experiences.

When we often experience an instinctive emotional reaction, that reaction isn’t just about the current circumstance we’re facing. We react to the ways right now reminds us of our past experiences.

When we feel big emotions, they can represent our body trying to protect us from events that already concluded long ago. For example, when you feel angry or slighted, your body might be trying to protect you from a time you weren’t respected or understood in the past, even if you are being respected and understood now.

Sometimes we feel shame in new situations due to memories of how we acted unskillfully in the past, even if we act skillfully now.

2. We assume other people’s emotions relate to us and the current situation. This is a similar point. When someone reacts emotionally, we tend to assume they’re reacting to our behavior and the current circumstance. But that person is also reacting to everything else. For example, in the work context, a reaction you get from a fellow human might be influenced by everything from their childhood experiences to the difficult interaction they had with their last customer to the email their boss sent yesterday about their organization’s current priorities to the micro-aggression they experienced on the subway that morning. All those triggers mix to determine the other person’s reaction to you.

This issue comes up a lot at work and also in romantic relationships. In couples, people often react in ways that relate to protecting themselves from past pain, whether from childhood or prior relationships.

3. We think emotions are a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions. Our culture tends to be comfort-obsessed. For example, if we feel hot, we expect to be able to crank our AC to remedy that. If the mattress we buy isn’t perfect, we return it. This comfort obsession also involves our emotions. We automatically see difficult emotions as a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions.

The problem is this: Much of what we instinctively do to reduce our distress makes our difficult emotions bigger. Even when we can “successfully” quell our big feelings, the cost is that those emotions, and the types of situations that trigger them, loom larger and larger in our lives. We end up devoting a lot of energy to avoiding certain emotions, which can get in the way of having the energy to devote to our other values. (If you’re anxiety-prone and managing anxiety is taking up too much of your life, check out these solutions.)

4. We usually fixate on only one emotion (and underplay what else we’re feeling and doing). Many of us have one dominant emotion (read more here). For example, some people rarely notice feeling angry but constantly notice feeling anxious, or the reverse.

Try using the word “and” more when you talk or think about your emotions. For instance, we rarely acknowledge when happy emotions occur alongside negative ones. For example, I’m pregnant, and I feel nervous about labor, and I feel excited about my baby.

It can also be useful to notice when multiple difficult emotions occur together, like “I feel anxious, and I feel angry.” Acknowledging multiple emotions can help you see a broader range of reactions you could choose from. Feeling anxious may not propel you to stand up to injustice, but noticing your anger might.

Third, you can acknowledge your emotions and behavior together, such as, “I feel anxious, and I’m doing competent, skillful behavior.”

5. We see emotions as either reasonable or unreasonable, justified or unjustified. People can suffer when they perceive they’re experiencing an emotion the situation doesn’t justify. For example, if you feel fearful or angry in a situation that doesn’t make everyone feel that way, you might think, “I shouldn’t be so scared of this.” Or, “I shouldn’t be so bothered by this. What’s wrong with me?” When this happens, you might conclude you’re not a mentally strong or skillful person, which doesn’t help you confidently choose a path forward.

It’s usually healthier to accept whatever you or someone else feels without judging whether it’s justified. This can help you become more curious about your own and others’ emotional worlds and less judgmental at the same time.

Which of these mistakes in interpreting emotions do you make? How might correcting these mistakes help you feel calmer and more skillful in managing your life and relationships? How could changing your approach to your emotions help you walk your values? (More on why this is an optimal response to stress here.)

Article by: Alice Boyes, Ph.D of Psychology Today

Looking for more help with your emotions? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Woman with great body image

7 Tips For Building A Better Body Image As An Adult

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When you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a window, or see yourself in a new picture that a friend posts on social media, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

Are they generally positive (I look so happy!), or more negative (Well, at least everyone else looks good)?

If they are positive, that’s great! But if they’re not, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle to feel happy with the way that we look, especially when it comes to our bodies.

While getting older may bring with it a certain sense of self-acceptance and the ability to reject the unrealistic beauty ideals that we see around us, aging also brings with it a new set of challenges to our self-esteem. You know — the messages and products that encourage us to “minimize those wrinkles” and “cover up those grays.”

“You can be reading a magazine and on one page there’s an article about how to love yourself the way you are, and then you flip the page and there’s an ad for a diet plan or an anti-aging cream.

All of those messages can be discouraging. But making some tweaks to your thought patterns can help you get back on the road to a positive body image. Start with these ideas.

Show some appreciation

A good place to start is to refocus your self-talk. Rather than nitpicking over the appearance of your body, try recognizing and appreciating the amazing things that it does for you every day. Appreciate that your strong arms allow you to carry your child and the diaper bag and the groceries up the stairs in one trip. Or that your skilled hands prepared an amazing dinner.

Record the positives

Here’s a little homework assignment: Write down five things you love about your personality. Easy, right? You’re a great listener and incredibly giving when it comes to helping others.

Now list five things you love about your body. “For most people, it’s easier to do the first, but it’s equally important to do the second.” Putting your feelings into written words (the old fashioned way!) helps you process your thoughts and commit things to memory.

Create little reminders

Write positive affirmations, goals or words of gratitude on sticky notes or note cards and putting them in places where you’ll see them throughout the day – the bathroom mirror, your wallet or by your computer at work. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, skills and goals.

Commit to doing things that make you feel good

Life is about so much more than how we look. Yet, how we feel about our bodies can dictate our mood and our behaviors. Have you ever canceled plans when you’re feeling bad about yourself? Resist the urge. Spending time with friends who aren’t focused on body image may actually help quiet your own body dissatisfaction.

Studies also show that exercise, yoga and helping others are great self-esteem boosters.

Occupy your mind

“We have another exercise that asks people to live their life as if they had 12 months, 5 days, 1 hour or 30 seconds to live,” Dr. Peterson says.

“In these circumstances, you would most likely focus on people, places and things that you love and that make you feel good – not on how your body looks.”

Don’t fear the mirror

If you have unhappy thoughts about how you look, you might find yourself dodging anything that shows your reflection. But, “avoidance breeds avoidance.” Ignoring those unhappy feelings won’t make them go away. She suggests noticing those negative thoughts that come to mind when you see yourself in the mirror, and applying the above tactics to turn them around.

Shut down the comparison game

Comparing your own body to others’ may be the quickest way to send your self-esteem plummeting. Instead, objectively admire the good qualities you notice in other people, and make a point to compliment them – it will make both of you feel good.

Feeling good at all sizes

It’s beneficial to love your and appreciate body no matter your shape or size.

In fact, if you’re overweight and taking steps toward a healthier lifestyle, research suggests that’s even more of a reason to work on building a healthy body image.

In one study of girls who were overweight, those with the highest levels of body satisfaction gained less weight after 10 years than those who were least satisfied with their bodies. Another study found that obese women who improved their body image were also better able to self-regulate their eating.

There’s no wrong time to work on feeling more comfortable in your own skin.

Need more help?

If you ever feel that your negative body image is affecting you in a distressing or disruptive way, reach out to schedule a FREE INITIAL CONSULT with one of our body image experts, info@hillarycounseling.com!

Two black LGBTQIA+ women who seek therapy from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Secrets to Finding a Great Partner

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My friend Katie met her husband-to-be, Tom, during orientation week in college. They were the couple everyone envied. They spent all their time together and they never seemed to argue. They had the same major and shared many of their hobbies. They liked each other’s families and friends. So it wasn’t a big surprise when Katie and Tom got married soon after graduation. They have two sweet kids, a boy and a girl. Katie stays home taking care of the kids and Tom has a well-paid job as an architect in a local company.

And last year… they got divorced.

Katie and Tom’s story is not unique. Almost every second marriage in the U.S. gets divorced at some point.

And yet, if Katie and Tom had been looking for a partner through a matching company, they would have been pretty much a perfect match for each other. But something didn’t go right.

What is it that Katie and Tom, and so many others, are missing? Why do our “perfect matches” often turn out to be less than perfect or downright disappointing?

The Unconscious Foundation of Your Relationships

In our research, we’ve found that there’s much more to true compatibility than variables like age, religion, culture, hobbies, attitudes, and beliefs. Part of the issue is that there’s a lot we do not know about ourselves, and not knowing ourselves sometimes gets in the way of successful relationships.

Everybody has a set of love stories, that is, a set of ideas, beliefs, and preconceptions about what a relationship should be like, how to behave in a relationship, and what the ideal partner should be like. But—we’re not consciously aware of our love stories.

So if you want to find someone who’s a truly good match for you, here are five keys that you need to keep in mind:

1. Your love stories influence every aspect of your relationship.

You have love stories in your mind that determine which potential partners you’re interested in and that shape your expectation of what a relationship should be like, how you should behave in a relationship, how you should interpret your partner’s actions, how you should interact with your partner, and so on.

Your love stories represent the essence of your life—the relationships of family members, neighbors, and friends you have observed since you were a child, your own experiences with other people, the stories you have read in books and watched in movies.

There is no objective reality; rather, it’s your stories that give your relationship meaning.

2. Happy relationships involve matching love stories.

Obviously, you’re not the only one with love stories; everybody else has them as well. But there are stories that tend to work better and others that are maladaptive. Additionally, some stories work better together than others. For example, if you have a fantasy story and are looking for a super romantic relationship with your own personal princess, but your partner is not so much interested in romance but rather in creating a relationship that runs smoothly like a business, ensuring you are making good money and have clearly spelled out duties that need to be fulfilled responsibly, both of you are likely to end up disappointed.

You and your partner do not need to have the same story, but for a happy long-term relationship, you will need stories that are compatible with each other.

3. Understand what you really want from your relationship.

The love stories you have given rise to what we call the “core components of love.” Depending on your love story, you may have a different need for:

  • Intimacy (that is, how close, bonded, and connected you feel)
  • Passion (that is, how much emotional and physical attraction, as well as romance you have in your relationship), and
  • Commitment in your relationship

The issue is—we often are not consciously aware of what we truly want, and where our relationship lags. Dig deep and figure out what you want from your relationship in terms of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Does your partner want the same as you do? If not, try to close those gaps to make your relationship work and fulfill your own needs as well as the needs of your partner.

4. Your partner’s feelings for you matter less than you think.

In our studies, we have found that people often haven’t the foggiest idea of how their partner feels about them—and the people who participated in our studies were in stable relationships!

The point is, we can’t ever really know what someone else thinks or feels.

What matters to our happiness is how we want our partner to feel for us, and whether we believe they’re actually feeling that way. For example, your partner may feel that they’re very committed to your relationship. If you don’t feel that they are committed and consequently feel anxious or jealous most of the time, your partner’s factual commitment really doesn’t matter that much to your happiness.

Think about whether you have enough (or too much) of intimacy, passion, and commitment in a relationship, and if there’s a gap, act!

5. Your relationship needs to match your (and your partner’s) needs—not the expectations of those around you.

Your love stories determine the kind of relationship and partner you’re looking for and what you expect your relationship to be like. You’ll be happiest when you and your partner have compatible love stories and you meet each other’s needs. The expectations of those around you—parents, family, and friends—as well as those of society matter much less.

You have to realize that there is no wrong or right love story, and it’s all right for you to seek your happiness no matter what others think of your conception of a loving relationship.

The key to your happiness is finding someone whose love story is compatible with yours.

Looking to learn more about finding the RIGHT relationship for YOU? Contact us to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our relationship experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

 

Article By: Karen and Robert Sternberg, Ph.Ds

Woman coping with depression and anxiety by seeking therapy from a licensed psychotherapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

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“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.

While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.

“No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”

What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.

My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.

I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.

In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.

The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.

Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.

Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.

How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?

Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.

Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.

Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.

Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.

We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.

We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.

Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.

Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.

Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.

Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).

Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.

I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.

I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.

Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.

Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.

Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.

Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.

We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.

Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.

Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.

It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.

I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.

The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.

We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.

I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.

I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.

It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.

It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.

It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.

As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.

Article by: Carol James of Tiny Buddha

Woman with eating disorder who is searching 'eating disorder treatment near me' on her phone

Does Emotional Avoidance Fuel Your Eating Disorder?

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“It seems like I’m actually experiencing my feelings, now that I’m no longer bingeing and purging my emotions,” my client in recovery from bulimia shared.
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Eating disorders are believed to be caused by a combination of factors including, genetic, temperamental, and environmental influences.

However, one thing that almost all of my clients with eating disorders have in common is difficulty in expressing, processing, and coping with their emotions.

Emotional Avoidance and Eating Disorders

Emotional avoidance, is described as actions that are intended to prevent an emotional response from occurring, such as fear, anger or sadness.

People struggling with eating disorders often turn to their eating disorder behaviors in an unconscious effort to try to help themselves to “feel better” and to cope with difficult emotions or life circumstances.

For instance, for many people struggling with anorexia, their response when it comes to coping with feelings of anxiety, sadness, or loneliness, is to restrict their food. This may give them a false sense of “control” and specialness. For individuals with bulimia, bingeing and purging provides them a momentary feeling of comfort, “control,” or relief. For people struggling with binge eating, eating often feels like “an escape,” comforting, calming, or a way to numb out.

The reality is that eating disorder behaviors often provide short-term relief or satisfaction, and long-term feelings of increased depression, loneliness, and misery.

Let Yourself Feel

Eating disorder treatment involves a variety of tools and strategies for helping clients to reclaim their lives. However, one important element is helping them to learn how to identify, process, and cope with their emotions in ways that align with their life values.

Many of my clients struggle with being able to sit with themselves and their emotions. Often eating disorder behaviors are used as a way to try to regulate or distract from intense emotions.

I often say to clients that trying to suppress our emotions, is kind of like trying to hold a beach ball under water. It takes a lot of effort and eventually the beach ball will fly up above the water with force.

As a culture, we are often not taught to express our emotions. However, emotions serve important functions in our lives, as they are signals of things that we need to pay attention to.

There is a quote that I love from Norah Wynne, which says “Feelings will not kill you. No one has ever died from experiencing an emotion, but people have died trying to stuff them down.”

It’s important to share with clients that their eating disorder behaviors are often coping strategies that they are using to try to regulate their emotions. These behaviors may have helped them to get through some difficult and traumatic times, however they are also no longer serving them.

With treatment and support, people with eating disorders can learn how to heal their relationships with themselves, food, and their bodies.

They can also learn how to express and process their emotions, without the constant strain of trying to suppress or run from their feelings. Part of living a meaningful life is being able to experience all of one’s emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.

One of the great privileges of doing this work is being able to see the light return into someone’s eyes, for them to be exploring their true passions and interests, for their brain space to be no longer ruled with thoughts about food and their body. Full recovery and living according to your true values, is completely possible.

An assignment to put this into practice:

What emotions (if any) are you trying to push down, avoid, or distract from?
What behaviors are you using to try not to experience this emotion?
How is doing so serving you, and how is it not serving you?
What would be on healthy way that you could process the emotions that you are experiencing, i.e. writing, an alterbook, talking to a friend, drawing, talking to a therapist?

Article By: Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C,Founder of The Eating Disorder Center

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