Therapy for Men: Why So Many Wait—and Why Starting Can Be a Turning Point

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By: Lisa Hillary, LCSW | Hillary Counseling

Maybe you’ve been feeling more irritable lately. You’re overwhelmed at work, have less patience with your partner, or find yourself withdrawing from the people around you.

You know something feels off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

So you do what you’ve always done. Push through. Stay busy. Hit the gym. Tell yourself things will settle down once life gets a little less stressful.

And sometimes, that works—for a while.

But what happens when it doesn’t?

For many men, therapy isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when life starts feeling difficult. Maybe you’ve never considered it, aren’t sure what you’d talk about, or simply feel like you should be able to figure things out on your own.

The truth is, you don’t have to have everything figured out to start therapy. And you certainly don’t have to wait until things fall apart.

Why Do So Many Men Wait to Go to Therapy?

There isn’t one reason men put off therapy. Some grew up in families where emotions simply weren’t talked about. Others learned early on that being strong meant handling problems independently.

Messages like “tough it out,” “don’t let it bother you,” or “figure it out” can become deeply ingrained—messages that have shaped men’s mental health for generations. The American Psychological Association’s Guidelines for Psychological Practice With Boys and Men describe how these expectations can make it harder for men to seek help.

Even if you intellectually know there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, actually doing it can still feel uncomfortable.

There can also be a more practical hesitation: What am I supposed to talk about?

If you’re used to solving problems rather than talking about them, the idea of sitting across from a stranger and discussing your feelings might not sound particularly appealing. You might wonder:

  • Is my problem really serious enough for therapy?
  • What if I don’t know what to say?
  • Is this just going to be an hour of talking about my childhood?
  • What is therapy actually going to do?

Those are fair questions.

Therapy for Men Might Not Be What You Think

Good therapy isn’t about forcing you to talk about emotions before you’re ready. And it doesn’t have to mean endlessly analyzing your childhood. Therapy can be incredibly practical.

What many men expect

What therapy often looks like

Forced to talk about feelings right away

Moving at your pace, starting with what’s practical

Hours analyzing your childhood

Focusing on what’s happening now and what you want to be different

Only for people in crisis

Also preventative—a place to get ahead of stress

A long-term commitment

Starting with one conversation

You might come in because you’re struggling with:

  • Anxiety or stress
  • Work pressure
  • Anger
  • Low motivation
  • A relationship
  • Becoming a parent
  • A major life transition
  • Simply feeling stuck

Together, you and your therapist begin looking at what’s happening, what isn’t working anymore, and what you want to be different. That might mean:

“A lot of men come into therapy feeling like they should already have everything figured out. The shift often happens when they realize therapy isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about having a space where they don’t have to.” —Lisa Hillary, LCSW, Founder, Clinical Director & Psychotherapist at Hillary Counseling.

What Does Stress Look Like in Men? (It’s Not Always Sadness)

One reason men may not realize they could benefit from therapy is that stress in men doesn’t always look like sadness. Emotional distress often shows up in behavior, energy, and relationships first.

It can look like:

  • Becoming irritated over small things
  • Feeling impatient with your partner or kids
  • Working constantly
  • Withdrawing or wanting to be left alone
  • Having trouble sleeping
  • Drinking more than usual
  • Losing interest in things you normally enjoy
  • Feeling restless or unable to relax
  • Constantly distracting yourself
  • Feeling numb or disconnected
  • Having a shorter fuse
  • Feeling like you’re just going through the motions

You may not think, I’m anxious or I’m depressed. You may simply think, I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated. I’m burned out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Therapy can help connect those dots.

What Changes When Men Start Therapy?

Therapy isn’t about changing your personality or turning you into someone you’re not. Often, the changes are much more subtle—and much more meaningful. You start to:

  • Notice what’s happening internally before it comes out as anger or withdrawal
  • Say what you need instead of expecting the people around you to figure it out
  • Recognize the difference between a problem you can solve and something you need to process
  • Understand why certain situations affect you so strongly
  • Respond intentionally rather than operating on autopilot

And sometimes, you simply feel relieved to have one place where you don’t have to perform, take care of anyone else, or have all the answers.

In our Third Ward office, we often see men come into therapy saying they’re not exactly sure what they want to talk about—they just know something hasn’t felt right. They may describe feeling more stressed, irritable, disconnected, or overwhelmed without necessarily identifying it as anxiety, depression, or emotional distress.

After a few sessions, that often begins to shift. As they get more comfortable, they start connecting what they’re feeling to patterns in their relationships, work, stress, or expectations they’ve placed on themselves—and therapy becomes less about “having something wrong” and more about understanding themselves and making meaningful changes in their lives.

Over time, those changes can show up everywhere—in your relationships, your work, your parenting, your confidence, and the way you feel day to day.

Should You Start Therapy Before Something Is Wrong?

Yes—and we’d argue that’s often the best time. One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that it’s only for people who are struggling significantly. Therapy can certainly help during a crisis, but it can also be preventative.

You don’t have to wait until your relationship is falling apart to work on communication. You don’t have to wait until you’re completely burned out to address stress. And you don’t need severe depression or anxiety to want to understand yourself better.

Sometimes the best time to start therapy is simply when you notice that something in your life isn’t working as well as you’d like it to.

A couple of honest caveats. Fit matters: if the first therapist you talk to doesn’t feel right, that’s normal, and it’s exactly what a consultation is for. And if you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, don’t wait for an appointment—call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Starting Therapy in Milwaukee or Online in Wisconsin

Starting therapy doesn’t have to be a big commitment. If you’ve been considering it but aren’t sure whether it’s for you, you don’t have to have everything figured out before reaching out.

You don’t need to know exactly what your goals are. You don’t need the right words to explain what you’re experiencing. And you don’t have to commit to therapy indefinitely. Sometimes the first step is simply having a conversation.

At Hillary Counseling, we believe therapy should feel modern, relatable, and useful in your everyday life. Our therapists offer therapy for men navigating anxiety, depression, stress, relationships, work and career concerns, fatherhood, life transitions, grief, trauma, ADHD, and the many pressures that come with trying to hold everything together.

We offer in-person therapy at our Milwaukee Third Ward office as well as online therapy throughout Wisconsin.

If you’ve been thinking about therapy—even if you’re still not completely sure you need it—we invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. It’s an easy way to ask questions, learn more about the process, and see whether one of our therapists feels like the right fit.

Sometimes starting therapy isn’t a sign that things have gotten really bad. It’s simply a decision that you’d like things to be better.

Key Takeaways: Therapy for Men

  • Stress in men often shows up as irritability, overworking, or withdrawal—not sadness.
  • Therapy can be practical: managing anxiety, communicating better, handling work pressure.
  • You don’t need a crisis or clear goals to start.
  • A free consultation is a low-commitment way to see if therapy fits.

Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy for Men

Is my problem serious enough for therapy?

You don’t need a diagnosis or a crisis to benefit from therapy. If something in your life isn’t working the way you’d like—stress, a relationship, motivation—that’s reason enough to start.

What do men talk about in therapy?

Whatever is most pressing: work stress, anger, relationships, fatherhood, anxiety, or feeling stuck. Your therapist will help structure the conversation, so you don’t need to arrive knowing what to say.

Do I have to talk about my childhood?

Not unless it’s useful to you. Many men prefer a practical, present-focused approach, and a good therapist will work at your pace.

Is online therapy as effective as in-person?

Research suggests online therapy can work as well as in-person sessions for many common concerns, such as anxiety and depression. Hillary Counseling offers both in the Milwaukee Third Ward and online throughout Wisconsin.

How do I get started with therapy at Hillary Counseling?

Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule a free 15-minute consultation and get connected with a therapist who is a good fit for you.

Feeling Invisible After 45? What’s Really Going On

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By: Lisa Hillary, LCSW | Hillary Counseling

There’s a strange experience many women begin to notice somewhere in their 40s or 50s: you’re still you, but you don’t always feel like yourself anymore.

Maybe you catch your reflection and are surprised by the person looking back at you. Your body is changing in ways you didn’t expect. Your kids need you differently—or perhaps they’re beginning to need you less. Your relationship has evolved. Your career may no longer feel as fulfilling as it once did.

And sometimes, it feels like the world is noticing you differently, too.

Feeling invisible after 45 is one of the most common experiences women describe in midlife, and it isn’t simply about appearance or getting older. It’s usually part of a larger psychological shift—one that involves your body, identity, relationships, roles, priorities, and sense of what you want from the next chapter of your life. It’s not a sign that something has gone wrong with you. It’s often a signal that you’re moving through a transition, and it’s something therapy for women’s issues can help you work through.

For women who have spent decades building careers, raising families, maintaining relationships, caring for others, and keeping everything moving, midlife can bring an unexpected question:

Where did I go in all of this?

Why Do Women Feel Invisible After 45?

For much of adulthood, our identities are reinforced by the roles we play.

You may have been someone’s partner, mother, daughter, caregiver, friend, colleague, manager—or all of these at the same time.

Those roles can be meaningful and deeply important. But when so much of your time and energy has been devoted to meeting other people’s needs, it can become difficult to separate who you are from what you do for everyone else.

Then midlife arrives, and some of those roles begin to change.

Children become more independent. Relationships evolve. Aging parents may require more care. Career goals that once felt exciting may no longer feel as meaningful. Your friendships may look different than they did a decade ago.

At the same time, your body may be going through significant changes of its own.

Suddenly, the identity you spent years building may not fit quite the way it used to.

How Does Your Body Change in Midlife Affect Self-Image?

For many women, midlife is also when physical changes become harder to ignore. Some of the most common shifts include:

  • Changes in weight or body composition
  • Different skin and hair texture or appearance
  • Shifts in energy levels throughout the day
  • Less predictable sleep
  • Changes in sexuality or physical comfort in your own body

And while aging is a normal part of life, we live in a culture that often celebrates youth—particularly in women. That can make completely normal changes feel like something you’re supposed to fight or hide.

Research suggests the picture is more complicated than the stereotype that women inevitably become less confident as they age. In fact, studies have found that body satisfaction and self-esteem can actually increase across adulthood, even though midlife women may still struggle with cultural expectations surrounding appearance and aging.

So if you’re struggling with your changing appearance, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to feel this way forever.

Midlife can also become an opportunity to develop a relationship with yourself that is based less on how you look to other people and more on how you actually feel about the person you’ve become.

Can Perimenopause Cause Anxiety and Make You Feel Invisible?

For many women, the psychological changes of midlife are happening at the same time as perimenopause.

During perimenopause, fluctuating hormones can contribute to changes in sleep, concentration, mood and emotional well-being. The risk of anxiety and depression also increases around the menopausal transition.

You may find yourself wondering:

Why am I suddenly so anxious?

Why am I so irritable?

Why don’t I have the same emotional bandwidth I used to?

Why don’t I feel like myself?

If you’ve wondered whether perimenopause can cause anxiety, the answer is yes: hormonal changes, physical symptoms, disrupted sleep and the stresses that often accompany this stage of life can all contribute to perimenopause anxiety.

But it’s important not to assume every emotional change in your 40s is hormonal.

Anxiety can also be connected to relationships, work, caregiving, grief, health concerns, identity changes and the cumulative stress of carrying too much for too long. And an anxiety disorder is different from experiencing periods of increased anxiety during perimenopause. Anxiety disorders involve excessive anxiety that becomes difficult to control and interferes with daily life.

Understanding what’s contributing to how you feel can be an important first step toward feeling more like yourself again.

Is Feeling Invisible After 45 a Midlife Crisis—Or a Reassessment?

Midlife has traditionally been portrayed as something to fear.

But questioning your life at 45 or 50 doesn’t necessarily mean something has gone wrong.

Sometimes it means you’re finally asking questions you haven’t had the time—or space—to ask before.

Do I actually like the life I’ve created?

What do I want now?

What parts of myself have I neglected?

What relationships still feel meaningful?

What am I doing because I genuinely want to—and what am I doing because I’ve always done it?

Who am I when I’m not taking care of everyone else?

Those can be uncomfortable questions.

They can also be incredibly valuable ones.

Research on women’s experiences of menopause has found that midlife isn’t universally experienced as a period of decline. Women also describe greater confidence, wisdom, self-awareness, freedom and opportunities for personal growth during this stage of life.

Feeling Invisible Can Affect Your Relationships, Too

Changes in how you see yourself rarely stay contained to your relationship with the mirror.

They can affect how you show up with your partner, friends, children and colleagues.

Maybe you don’t feel as confident initiating intimacy.

Maybe you feel disconnected from your partner after years of functioning primarily as co-parents.

Maybe everyone still relies on you, but you don’t feel particularly seen by anyone.

Or perhaps you’re beginning to want something different from your relationships—and you’re not quite sure how to say it.

These feelings don’t necessarily mean your relationship is failing.

They may be a signal that you’ve changed, and your relationships may need to evolve with you.

You Don’t Have to Become Your Younger Self Again

One of the most powerful shifts that can happen in midlife is realizing that the goal isn’t to get back to who you were at 25, 30 or even 40.

You aren’t that woman anymore.

And that’s not necessarily a loss.

You’ve lived more. You’ve learned things. You’ve survived things. Your priorities have changed. You probably know yourself better in some ways and feel less certain in others.

Rather than asking:

“How do I get the old me back?”

A more useful question might be:

“Who do I want to be now?”

That subtle shift creates space for something new instead of measuring your current self against a previous version of you.

How Therapy for Women’s Issues Can Help During Midlife

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy.

In fact, midlife can be an especially meaningful time to begin therapy for women’s issues because there may be so many interconnected changes happening at once.

In our work with women across Milwaukee—from the Third Ward and East Side to Shorewood, Northshore, and Mequon—we consistently see the same pattern: women arrive describing a vague sense of dissatisfaction or disconnection, and it isn’t until they have space to talk it through that the actual source becomes clear, whether that’s a hormonal shift, a relationship that’s quietly outgrown its old shape, or an identity built almost entirely around other people’s needs.

Therapy can give you a place that isn’t centered around your children, partner, parents, career or anyone else’s needs.

It can simply be about you.

Through counseling for women’s issues, you might explore:

  • Changes in identity and self-esteem
  • Body image and aging
  • Perimenopause anxiety and mood changes
  • Relationship and intimacy concerns
  • Parenting and empty-nest transitions
  • Caring for aging parents
  • Career dissatisfaction or changing ambitions
  • Burnout and emotional overload
  • Boundaries and people-pleasing
  • Grief and loss
  • What you want the next chapter of your life to look like

Therapy can also help you distinguish between something that may be part of a life transition and symptoms that warrant additional mental-health or medical support. Psychotherapy is one established treatment for anxiety, and women experiencing significant emotional changes during perimenopause or menopause may benefit from talking with both a mental-health professional and their healthcare provider.

Midlife Isn’t the Beginning of Becoming Invisible

It can feel unsettling to realize that the version of yourself you’ve known for decades is changing.

But there is another way to think about this stage of life.

Maybe midlife isn’t about slowly disappearing.

Maybe it’s an opportunity to become more intentional about being seen—especially by yourself.

You get to reconsider what matters to you.

You get to decide which expectations you’re ready to let go of.

You get to make room for relationships, interests and goals that belong to you—not simply to the roles you play for other people.

And you get to build a relationship with the person you are today rather than continually comparing her to the person you used to be.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I feel invisible after 45? Many women describe feeling invisible in midlife as roles shift—children becoming independent, careers changing—alongside physical and hormonal changes, which can make a long-held sense of identity feel unfamiliar.

Can perimenopause cause anxiety? Yes. Fluctuating hormones during perimenopause can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, and research shows anxiety and depression risk rises during this transition.

Is feeling invisible in midlife the same as a midlife crisis? Not necessarily. Many women experience it as a period of reassessment rather than crisis, often describing increased confidence, wisdom, and self-awareness alongside the discomfort.

How is therapy for women’s issues different from general therapy? It focuses specifically on identity, body image, relationships, and life-stage transitions unique to women, such as perimenopause, empty-nest changes, and caregiving roles.

When should I consider therapy for midlife anxiety or identity changes? If feelings of anxiety, disconnection, or emotional overload are interfering with daily life or relationships, or you’re unsure whether what you’re feeling is hormonal, situational, or both, a therapist can help you sort that out—often alongside your healthcare provider.

At Hillary Counseling, our therapists provide counseling for women navigating the emotional, relational and identity changes that can accompany midlife, serving clients throughout Milwaukee, the Third Ward, Northshore, Shorewood, the East Side, and Mequon. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnected from yourself, or simply wondering what you want this next chapter to look like, therapy can give you the space to figure it out.

Ready to get started? Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation and get matched with a therapist who fits your needs.

Can Perimenopause Cause Anxiety? Why You May Suddenly Feel More Anxious in Your 40s

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By: | Hillary Counseling

Maybe you’ve always considered yourself someone who handles stress pretty well. Then somewhere in your 40s, something shifts.

You’re more easily overwhelmed. You wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing. Things that used to roll off your back suddenly feel like too much. You might feel more irritable, emotional, restless, or on edge—and you can’t quite figure out why.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it. This is often called perimenopause anxiety, and it can show up as new or worsening anxiety—even for women who have never considered themselves particularly anxious before.

Yes, perimenopause can cause anxiety. Fluctuating estrogen and progesterone during this transition affect brain systems involved in mood, sleep, and stress regulation, which is why anxiety can appear even in women who’ve never struggled with it before. And because perimenopause often arrives at an already demanding stage of life, it can be difficult to tell where hormones end and everyday stress begins.

Can Perimenopause Really Cause Anxiety?

Yes. Anxiety is a common psychological symptom reported during the menopausal transition. Research on perimenopausal women has found that roughly half report anxiety symptoms during this stage, with some more recent studies putting the figure even higher—underscoring just how common, and often under-discussed, perimenopause anxiety really is.

Perimenopause is the period leading up to menopause, when levels of hormones such as estrogen and progesterone begin to fluctuate. These hormonal changes can influence brain systems involved in mood, sleep, stress regulation, and emotional well-being.

For some women, that may mean an increase in anxiety. For others, existing anxiety may suddenly feel more difficult to manage. And it doesn’t always look like the anxiety you might expect.

What Does Perimenopause Anxiety Feel Like?

Perimenopause anxiety can show up differently from person to person. You might notice:

  • Feeling anxious for seemingly no reason
  • Waking up with a sense of dread
  • Racing or repetitive thoughts
  • Feeling more easily overstimulated
  • Increased irritability or a shorter fuse
  • Difficulty concentrating or “brain fog”
  • Feeling less able to cope with everyday stress
  • Trouble falling or staying asleep
  • Increased worry about your health, relationships, children, parents, or future
  • Physical sensations such as a racing heart, shakiness, or feeling keyed up
  • Panic attacks or sudden waves of anxiety
  • Feeling unlike yourself

Sometimes the most unsettling part is the suddenness of it.

A woman who has spent decades feeling capable and emotionally steady may suddenly find herself struggling with situations she previously handled without much difficulty. That can lead to another layer of worry: What is happening to me?

Why Can Anxiety Get Worse in Your 40s?

Hormones may be part of the picture, but they’re rarely the entire picture. For many women, perimenopause arrives during one of the most demanding periods of adulthood. All at once, you may be navigating:

  • Raising teenagers or launching young adults
  • Aging parents who suddenly need more support
  • A marriage or long-term relationship that’s changing
  • A career that’s more demanding than ever
  • A body that’s changing, with sleep harder to come by

And somewhere in the middle of all of this, you may realize that you’ve spent years taking care of everyone else without leaving much space for yourself.

Add fluctuating hormones and disrupted sleep to an already overloaded nervous system, and the coping strategies that worked in your 20s and 30s may no longer be enough. That doesn’t mean you’re suddenly bad at handling life. It may mean that your body, circumstances, and needs have changed—and the way you care for yourself needs to change with them.

Is It Perimenopause Anxiety or an Anxiety Disorder?

It doesn’t necessarily have to be one or the other. Hormonal changes can contribute to anxiety symptoms, while life stress, previous experiences, relationship difficulties, sleep disruption, and existing mental health conditions can all play a role too. For some women, symptoms are mild and tied closely to the hormonal shifts of this stage; for others, what’s happening meets the criteria for a perimenopause anxiety disorder and benefits from more structured treatment.

This is why it can be helpful to look at the whole picture rather than assuming every symptom is hormonal—or assuming hormones have nothing to do with it.

If anxiety is persistent, interfering with your sleep, affecting your relationships, making it difficult to work or enjoy your life, or causing you to avoid things you normally would do, it may be worth talking with both your healthcare provider and a mental health professional.

A medical provider can help assess whether perimenopause or another health issue could be contributing to your symptoms. A therapist can help you understand the emotional and psychological pieces and develop tools for managing them.

How Long Does Perimenopause Anxiety Last?

This is one of the most common questions we hear, and the honest answer is: it depends. Perimenopause itself can last anywhere from a few years to closer to a decade, and anxiety symptoms don’t always follow a straight line during that time—they can ease up, flare again, and shift in intensity as hormone levels fluctuate.

For many women, anxiety connected to perimenopause improves once hormone levels stabilize after menopause. But waiting it out isn’t the only option, and it isn’t always the right one—especially if anxiety is already affecting your sleep, relationships, or day-to-day functioning. Therapy and, when appropriate, medical treatment can meaningfully shorten how long symptoms interfere with your life, even if the underlying hormonal transition takes its own time.

What Helps With Perimenopause Anxiety?

There isn’t one solution that works for every woman, because perimenopause anxiety can have multiple contributing factors. For many women, treatment may involve a combination of medical care, therapy, and lifestyle changes.

Therapy can be particularly helpful for:

  1. Learning how to regulate an overwhelmed nervous system
  2. Recognizing patterns that are contributing to anxiety
  3. Setting healthier boundaries
  4. Managing racing thoughts
  5. Adjusting to the identity and relationship changes that often accompany midlife

It can also provide something many women in this stage of life don’t get enough of: a space that is actually about you.

Depending on your symptoms and medical history, your healthcare provider may also discuss options for addressing hormonal symptoms, sleep difficulties, or anxiety. Treatment should be individualized, so it’s important to talk with a qualified medical provider about what’s appropriate for you.

You Don’t Have to Wait Until Things Feel Unmanageable

One of the misconceptions about therapy is that something has to be seriously wrong before you seek support. It doesn’t.

Maybe you’re functioning. You’re going to work, taking care of your family, keeping up with your responsibilities—and from the outside, everything looks fine. But inside, you’re exhausted. You’re more anxious than you used to be. You’re questioning things you thought you’d figured out years ago. Or you simply don’t feel quite like yourself anymore.

Those are valid reasons to seek support.

Midlife can bring significant changes, but it can also be an opportunity to reassess what you need, how you want to spend your time, what relationships you want to nurture, and how you want the next chapter of your life to feel.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does perimenopause anxiety last?

For many women, anxiety symptoms ease once hormone levels stabilize after menopause, but the perimenopausal transition itself can last several years—so anxiety tied to it may come and go rather than resolve quickly. Therapy and, if appropriate, medical treatment can shorten how long symptoms significantly affect daily life.

How long does menopause anxiety last?

It varies widely—some women notice improvement within months of reaching menopause, while others continue to experience anxiety symptoms afterward, especially if stress, sleep issues, or an underlying anxiety disorder are also involved.

Is perimenopause anxiety the same as an anxiety disorder?

Not necessarily. Perimenopause can trigger or worsen anxiety symptoms without meeting the criteria for a diagnosable anxiety disorder—though for some women, the two overlap. A mental health professional can help clarify which applies to you.

When should I talk to someone about perimenopause anxiety?

If anxiety is interfering with sleep, relationships, work, or daily life—or if you’re avoiding things you’d normally do—it’s worth talking with both a healthcare provider and a therapist, even before things feel unmanageable.

Therapy for Perimenopause Anxiety in Milwaukee

At Hillary Counseling, we offer counseling for women’s issues and therapy for women’s issues at every stage of life—including anxiety, stress, relationship changes, identity shifts, caregiving, burnout, grief, and the many transitions that can accompany your 40s and 50s.

Our approach is warm, collaborative, and practical. We want to understand not only the symptoms you’re experiencing, but also what is happening in your relationships, work, family, body, and life as a whole.

If you’ve been thinking, I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I don’t feel like myself lately, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Ready to get started? Contact Hillary Counseling today to be matched with a therapist who fits your needs and schedule. We offer in-person therapy at our Milwaukee Third Ward office as well as online therapy throughout Wisconsin.

Dating as a Neurodivergent Adult in Milwaukee: Tips from an Affirming Therapist

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By: | Hillary Counseling

Dating can feel complicated for anyone—but if you’re a neurodivergent adult, it can come with an added layer of nuance.

Whether you identify as autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, you may find yourself wondering:

  • Why does dating feel so exhausting?
  • Am I missing something everyone else seems to understand?
  • How do I find someone who actually gets me?

At Hillary Counseling, a boutique therapy practice in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, we work with many neurodivergent adults navigating relationships and dating—and you’re not alone in these questions.

Let’s break down what makes dating feel challenging—and how to approach it in a way that actually works for you.

What Does “Neurodivergent” Mean in Dating?

Neurodivergence includes ways of thinking and processing that differ from the “neurotypical” norm—such as:

  • ADHD
  • Autism
  • Sensory sensitivities
  • Differences in communication and social processing

In dating, this might show up as:

  • Feeling overwhelmed in social settings
  • Struggling with small talk or reading cues
  • Preferring deeper, more direct conversations
  • Needing more recovery time after dates

None of this is a flaw—it’s simply a different way of experiencing connection.

Why Dating Can Feel Especially Difficult

1. Unspoken “Rules”

Modern dating often relies on subtle cues, timing, and ambiguity.

For many neurodivergent adults, this can feel:

  • Confusing
  • Inconsistent
  • Mentally draining

2. Masking and Exhaustion

You might find yourself:

  • Overthinking what to say
  • Trying to “act normal”
  • Replaying conversations afterward

This is often called masking—and it can lead to burnout.

3. Sensory and Environmental Overload

Typical date settings (busy restaurants, loud bars, crowded patios in Milwaukee summers) can feel overwhelming rather than enjoyable.

4. Rejection Sensitivity

Many neurodivergent individuals experience rejection more intensely, which can make dating feel higher-stakes and more vulnerable.

Tips for Dating as a Neurodivergent Adult

1. Choose Environments That Work for You

Instead of forcing yourself into overstimulating settings, consider:

  • Coffee shops during quieter hours
  • Walks along the Lakefront or in the Third Ward
  • Low-key, structured activities

The right environment can make connection feel easier and more natural.

2. Be Direct (It’s a Strength, Not a Weakness)

You don’t have to rely on guessing games.

Try:

  • Asking clear questions
  • Expressing interest directly
  • Saying what you’re looking for

Many people actually find this refreshing.

3. Pace Yourself

Dating doesn’t have to follow a rigid timeline.

  • Take breaks between dates
  • Give yourself time to process
  • Don’t force momentum if you’re feeling overwhelmed

4. Unmask Where You Can

You deserve to be known—not performed.

This might look like:

  • Letting your personality show
  • Being honest about your needs
  • Not over-editing yourself

The right person won’t require you to shrink or pretend.

5. Pay Attention to How You Feel (Not Just What You Think)

After a date, ask:

  • man and woman sitting beside each other talkingDid I feel comfortable?
  • Did I feel like myself?
  • Did I feel respected?

Compatibility isn’t just logic—it’s how your nervous system responds.

6. Look for Emotional Safety, Not Just Chemistry

Instead of focusing only on attraction, notice:

  • Do they respect your boundaries?
  • Are they patient and curious?
  • Do they communicate clearly?

Dating in Milwaukee: Finding What Fits You

Milwaukee has a lot to offer—but not every setting will feel good for every person.

If you’re neurodivergent, it’s okay to:

  • Skip loud nightlife scenes
  • Suggest alternative date ideas
  • Be selective about where and how you meet people

Dating works best when it aligns with your needs—not when you force yourself into what “everyone else” is doing.

You’re Not Doing Dating Wrong

If dating has felt hard, confusing, or exhausting, it doesn’t mean you’re bad at it.

It often means:
You’ve been trying to navigate it in a way that doesn’t fit how you’re wired.

When you shift toward:

  • environments that support you
  • communication that feels natural
  • and people who value authenticity

Dating can start to feel less like a performance—and more like connection.

Looking for Support?

At Hillary Counseling, we offer affirming therapy in Milwaukee for neurodivergent adults navigating:

  • Dating and relationships
  • Social anxiety and overwhelm
  • Identity and self-understanding

If you’re looking for support, you can schedule a complimentary consultation HERE to explore what might feel helpful for you.

woman reading book on couch

How EMDR Therapy Heals Trauma—Without Reliving It

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By: | Hillary Counseling

If you’ve ever avoided therapy because you feared having to relive your trauma, you’re not alone. Many people worry that healing means reopening old wounds or re-experiencing painful memories. But the truth is: trauma therapy doesn’t have to be re-traumatizing.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) offers a powerful, research-backed way to help you process trauma without having to tell every painful detail or stay stuck in the memory replay loop.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR is a specialized therapy designed to help the brain heal from disturbing life experiences. It was originally developed for trauma and PTSD, but it’s now used to treat anxiety, grief, panic, phobias, and even perfectionism or low self-esteem rooted in past experiences.

Rather than talking about the trauma over and over, EMDR helps your brain re-process what happened so it no longer feels emotionally stuck in the past. During sessions, your therapist guides you through sets of bilateral stimulation — usually gentle eye movements, tapping, or blinking lights, that move from left to right. These back-and-forth motions help your brain “digest” distressing memories and file them away properly instead of replaying them on loop.

You Don’t Have to Relive the Trauma

One of the most common misconceptions about trauma therapy is that you have to relive what happened in vivid detail. EMDR works differently.

  • You don’t have to describe your trauma in full or share every detail for it to be effective. Instead, your therapist helps you access the emotions, beliefs, and body-sensations connected to the memory — just enough to activate the healing process, not enough to re-traumatize you.

  • As EMDR re-processing unfolds, many people find that the images and sensations associated with painful memories gradually lose their intensity. What once felt overwhelming or anxiety provoking starts to feel distant, less charged.

  • In that way, you’re not erasing what happened — you’re reclaiming the peace and power that the trauma took from you.

How EMDR Heals the Brain

When we experience trauma, the brain can get “stuck” in survival mode. The memory doesn’t process like a normal event; instead of being stored and set aside, it stays raw, vivid, emotionally charged — as if it’s still happening.

EMDR helps re-engage your brain’s natural healing system. The bilateral stimulation activates both hemispheres of the brain, allowing the memory to be integrated into your larger life story — rather than being isolated in the “still happening” zone.

As a result, what once triggered panic or shame begins to feel like just something that happened — no longer something that defines you or demands your energy.

What EMDR Can Help With

EMDR isn’t just for major trauma. It’s also incredibly effective for what therapists call “small-t” traumas — experiences that might not look traumatic to others, but still left a lasting impact.

EMDR can help with:

  • Anxiety, panic, or chronic stress

  • Relationship wounds or attachment trauma

  • Grief and loss

  • Addiction

  • Childhood emotional neglect

  • Betrayal, infidelity, or trust issues

  • Low self-esteem or shame

  • Perfectionism and people-pleasing

What a Session Looks Like

An EMDR session is structured, deliberate, and collaborative. Your therapist ensures you feel grounded and safe before beginning any re-processing.

  1. Preparation: You’ll learn coping tools and grounding techniques so you feel stable in the present.

  2. Identifying Targets: You identify the memories or beliefs connected to your current distress.

  3. Re-processing: Through bilateral stimulation, your brain begins to make new connections and release stored emotion.

  4. Integration: You reflect on insights or shifts that emerged and finish the session with calmness and stability.

Most people describe EMDR as less talking, more transforming — because it works with body, mind, and memory in sync.

💫 Ready to Explore EMDR Therapy?

Our EMDR-trained therapists at Hillary Counseling specialize in trauma recovery, anxiety, and emotional healing — helping you process the past without being overwhelmed by it.

📍 Located in Milwaukee’s Historic Third Ward
🧠 In-person and virtual sessions available

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if EMDR might be right for you.
Click the link here to get matched with a therapist. 

woman praying

Recognizing the Signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

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By: | Hillary Counseling

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition that often involves a cycle of persistent, distressing thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (compulsions). While many people have heard of OCD, the severity and types of symptoms can vary from person to person, making it a complex condition to understand.

In this post, we’ll walk you through some of the most common symptoms of OCD and how to recognize them, whether you’re seeking help for yourself or someone you care about.

What Are the Symptoms of OCD?

The symptoms of OCD are typically categorized into obsessions and compulsions.

  • Obsessions are intrusive, unwanted thoughts that cause significant distress and anxiety.
  • Compulsions are actions or behaviors that individuals feel compelled to perform in response to the obsessive thoughts. These actions are done in an attempt to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsessions.

In severe cases, OCD can severely impact one’s daily life, making it hard to function without engaging in compulsive behaviors.

Obsessions: Intrusive Thoughts That Won’t Go Away

Obsessions are persistent thoughts or mental images that intrude upon a person’s mind. These thoughts can range from fears of harming others, to concerns about cleanliness or orderliness, and can be both distressing and disruptive to daily life.

It’s common for everyone to have an occasional intrusive thought—like imagining your car swerving off the road while driving through a tough curve. However, for people with OCD, these thoughts are much more frequent, intense, and cause a higher level of anxiety. These thoughts may be offensive or violent in nature and can lead to overwhelming emotional distress.

Some common examples of obsessive thoughts include:

  • Fears of self-harm or causing harm to others
  • Anxiety about contamination or germs leading to illness
  • Unwanted sexual thoughts or fantasies
  • An overwhelming need for symmetry or order in the environment
  • Violent or aggressive thoughts
  • Repetitive thoughts about religion or moral behavior

It’s important to note that people with OCD may experience several obsessions simultaneously, and these thoughts often trigger the need for compulsive actions in an effort to reduce the anxiety.

Compulsions: Repetitive Actions to Cope with Anxiety

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental rituals that a person with OCD engages in to reduce the anxiety brought on by their obsessions. These actions may provide temporary relief, but they don’t eliminate the obsessive thoughts, causing the cycle to continue.

For example, someone who is obsessed with the idea of contamination might wash their hands repeatedly, hoping to “neutralize” the anxiety. However, this action provides only temporary relief, and the obsessive thoughts soon return, prompting another cycle of hand washing or other behaviors.

Compulsions can be physical actions, like washing hands or checking locks, or mental actions, such as counting or silently repeating phrases. Some common compulsions include:

  • Repeatedly arranging or rearranging items in specific ways
  • Excessive hand washing or cleaning rituals
  • Hoarding items that have little or no value
  • Repeatedly checking things (e.g., doors, stoves, or locks) to make sure they’re secure
  • Following a set routine or specific order in performing tasks
  • Performing actions a specific number of times (e.g., counting while chewing food)

Distinguishing Habits from Compulsions

It’s essential to differentiate between habits or routines and compulsions. Many people, OCD or not, have habits or routines they follow regularly. However, individuals with OCD feel a compelling urge to perform these behaviors and are often unable to function without them. Unlike regular habits, compulsions in OCD do not bring enjoyment or satisfaction—they only offer temporary relief from obsessive thoughts.

Getting Help for OCD

If you or someone you care about is struggling with OCD, you’re not alone. OCD is a treatable condition, and therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), is an effective treatment option. At Hillary Counseling, we understand how challenging OCD can be, and our therapists are here to help you work through the cycle of obsessions and compulsions in a safe, nonjudgmental space.

If you’re ready to take the next step and get support, we invite you to schedule a consultation with one of our mental health therapists. You don’t have to navigate OCD on your own.

four people holding potted plants

Understanding Neurodivergence: Embracing Different Ways of Thinking

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By: | Hillary Counseling

The term neurodivergent is simple to break down:

  • Neuro = the way your brain functions
  • Divergent = differing from the usual or typical

So, being neurodivergent means having a brain that functions differently from what is typically considered the “norm.”

What Is Neurodivergence?

Neurodivergence is an umbrella term that describes individuals whose brains process, learn, and interact with the world in ways that differ from societal expectations. The concept of neurodiversity promotes the idea that these differences are not deficits but rather variations in how humans think and experience the world.

You may have also heard of the term neurotypical. While neurodiversity acknowledges that there is no single “right” way for a brain to function, our world has largely been structured around one dominant style of thinking and processing. Neurotypical refers to this common way of functioning—not to suggest that it is superior, but simply to recognize that it is the default framework built into many aspects of daily life.

How Does Neurodiversity Show Up?

Neurodiversity encompasses a wide range of experiences, including:

  • Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD)
  • Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
  • Dyslexia

Neurodiversity is an umbrella term that highlights the many ways brains can function differently—each bringing unique strengths and challenges.

The Importance of Recognizing Neurodiversity

Historically, neurodivergence has been misunderstood and often pathologized. However, growing awareness and research emphasize the value that different cognitive styles bring to society. Creativity, problem-solving skills, and innovative thinking are often strengths of neurodivergent individuals.

By embracing neurodiversity, we move away from seeing these differences as something to “fix” and instead acknowledge them as unique and valuable ways of thinking. This shift can lead to more inclusive environments in schools, workplaces, and communities.

Challenges and Strengths of Neurodivergence

Every neurodivergent individual is unique, but many face challenges in environments that are designed for neurotypical minds. These challenges can include:

  • Sensory sensitivities
  • Difficulty with traditional learning methods
  • Social communication differences
  • Executive functioning struggles (e.g., time management, organization)

At the same time, neurodivergence comes with incredible strengths, such as:

  • High levels of creativity and innovation
  • Strong pattern recognition and problem-solving skills
  • Deep focus and passion for specific interests
  • Unique perspectives that drive progress in various fields

Supporting Neurodivergent Individuals

Creating a world that values neurodiversity means fostering environments that allow all individuals to thrive. Some ways to support neurodivergent individuals include:

  • Providing flexibility in work and learning settings
  • Offering accommodations like noise-canceling headphones or extended deadlines
  • Encouraging open conversations about mental health and neurodivergence
  • Valuing different communication styles and strengths

Final Thoughts

Understanding and embracing neurodivergence is essential to building a more inclusive and accepting society. Rather than viewing cognitive differences as deficits, we should recognize the strengths and perspectives that neurodivergent individuals bring to the world. By shifting our mindset, we create a culture that celebrates diversity in all its forms.

Looking for guidance in Milwaukee? Our clinicians at Hillary Counseling specialize in providing neurodivergent affirming therapy. We are here to help you with this — reach out if you are looking for answers and relief.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, men’s issues, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

Father and son

Stressed and Anxious? Here’s How to Stay Emotionally Healthy

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By: | Hillary Counseling

“Health is not just about what you’re eating. It’s also about what you’re thinking and saying.”

A virus is spreading across the globe. Schools are shut down. People are out of work. Grocery stores are empty.

Weddings, graduations, vacations, a day in court—canceled.

This is the ultimate test in emotional resilience.

Uncertainty is one of the main reasons we stress, along with a lack of control, and right now we’ve got it in truckloads. I’ve spent the last decade building my mental and emotional resilience to stress and adversity, and yet fighting off the anxiety is still a challenge.

I’m putting all the tools in my toolbox to good use.

And they are working. So I want to share these tools with you.

1. Talk to someone, but limit the bitching.

It can be cathartic to share with others the fear, panic, and challenges we’re experiencing. It makes us feel not alone. It validates our feelings and makes us feel connected. So talk to someone about what is stressing you out right now.

But set a time limit to focus on the negative. Maybe ten or twenty minutes each to share. Then it’s time to change the conversation.

Here are some cues:

What is going right?
What are you proud of yourself for?
What are you grateful for?
What are you looking forward to?
Despite the hardships, how are you coping?
How can you encourage and praise your friend?

When we only focus on the negative, we forget what is going well and then all we can see is the bad.

I also find it incredibly helpful to notice how differently my body feels when I’m complaining, angry, and blaming than it does when I’m grateful and optimistic. One feels tight, hot, and heavy. The other feels lighter, looser, and freer.

And as I listen to my husband, mother, or friends share their pain with me, I always make it a point when they are done to change the conversation and ask them what’s going good. I can hear the tone in their voice change as they bring their thoughts to the positive.

2. Be generous.

This doesn’t need to be a gift of money!

It can be a roll of toilet paper. It can be an hour Facetiming your grandmother who is held up in her nursing home with no visitors right now. It can be offering to pick up and drop off groceries for a neighbor or making them a plate of enchiladas.

I have a three-month-old and am blessed with an ample supply of breastmilk, so donating some of my freezer stash costs me nothing, but can mean so much for a needy mother and child right now.

Generosity can even come in the form of well wishes or prayers for others dealing with difficult times.

Giving is scientifically proven to be good for your emotional health.

It activates regions of the brain “associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust, creating a ‘warm glow’ effect. It releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the ‘helper’s high.’”

Giving has been linked to the release of oxytocin, a hormone that induces feelings of warmth, euphoria, and connection to others.

It’s been shown to decrease stress, which not only feels better, but lowers your blood pressure and other health problems caused by stress.

What can you give right now?

3. Take a mental break.

It’s so easy to get stuck in mental go-mode all our waking hours. Especially since our brains crave being busy or entertained.

Even when we rest, we flip through Facebook, watch TV, or daydream.

These past few weeks I haven’t been making the time to take my mental breaks. I usually meditate daily, but with a baby who doesn’t yet have an eating and sleeping schedule, plus with all the extra stresses right now, I’ve not given my mind a break!

So I could feel the anxiety creeping in. It started in the body. I felt the tension in my muscles. My jaw was tight. Breathing was shallow. And I was irritable!

I know it’s time for a mental break when something as simple as my husband leaving another towel on the banister makes me want to file for divorce. (Or end up on an episode of Dateline!)

So I put my husband on baby duty, ran on the treadmill trying to focus on my breath and not my to-do list, took a shower, and brought my attention to the warm water instead of worry over how I will get clients. Then I meditated for fifteen minutes zoning in on my breath every time my thoughts turned to worry over daycare and the coronavirus.

I felt like I’d washed my brain. The tension was gone, my mind was clear, and I no longer wanted to strangle my husband.

From our anxious place, we catastrophize as we spin out in our negativity bias. All we can see is the negative.

We need these mental breaks to create space from these ruminating thoughts. We need to hit the reset button.

A mental break is taking anywhere from thirty seconds to thirty minutes to consciously turn our attention inward, away from outside influence, as well as our flow of thoughts.

We can’t stop the flow of thoughts, but we can notice when they’ve taken our attention, and purposefully redirect that attention to something in the present moment like the breath, a mantra or sound, or a visualization.

Woman in Milwaukee, WI practicing self-care to improve her mental health and well being

Here are a few ways to take that mental break:

Breathwork
Spend time with your pet
Time in nature
Walking, exercise, or dancing
Practicing mindfulness
Listening to music
Simple mental break breathing:

Start with a re-calibrating big, big inhale, hold it, and breathe out all the way.
Now breathe in slowly to the count of four, then hold for a second.
When you hold, hear the silence between the breaths.
Then breathe out to the count of four and hold for a second at the bottom.
When you hold, feel your mind clearing as you listen for the space between inhale and exhale.
Repeat until you feel relaxed.

4. Allow all the feels.

This stress and anxiety feel terrible. And it can be hard to muster up the strength and will to try out some of the items on this list to make yourself feel better.

That’s okay.

But what tends to happen is we want to run from the discomfort, try to suppress it with distraction like TV or social media, or numb it with wine, food, or drugs.

It’s normal to want to avoid pain. We’re naturally geared to avoid it. However, when we block this pain from flowing, when we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they get stuck.

Emotions are energy in motion. If you stop it, it just bottles up. It doesn’t disappear.

Try this exercise to allow your emotions to flow:

Take a moment to close your eyes and sit in a quiet space or block out distraction as best you can.
Take a deep breath in and slowly breathe out.
Notice the physical feelings of stress. Where are you holding it in your body? What does it feel like?
On your next exhale, release as much tension as you can.
Repeat:
“I am allowing these feelings to be present.”
“I let these feelings flow through me.”
“These feelings are causing me no harm.”
Now scan your body starting from your head, jaw and neck. Shoulders and hips. Down your legs and feet. Release any tension you find along the way.
Once you’ve allowed these feelings to exist and flow, the following tool is a fantastic next step toward emotional health.

5. Express gratitude.

We humans have a natural negativity bias. It’s a mechanism in place designed with the intention of keeping us safe.

Being on the lookout for danger, in theory, might be a better tactic to keep us alive than ignoring any signs of danger for the sake of focusing on pleasantries. Like being on alert for a mountain lion instead of enjoying a bed of flowers.

But 99 percent of the time, or more, our lives are not in imminent danger. Yet the negativity bias remains.

As it turns out, much like generosity, gratitude is also scientifically proven to be good for our emotional health.

It’s shown that people who express gratitude are more optimistic and feel better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercise more and have fewer visits to physicians than those who focus on sources of aggravation.

In some studies, it’s also shown people immediately exhibiting a huge increase in happiness scores, as well as improved relationships.

Woman coping with grief and seeking grief counseling from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Here are some ways to express gratitude:

Write a thank-you note or email
Thank someone mentally
Try a gratitude journal
Pray or meditate on something you are grateful for

6. Ask for help if you need it.

I am so proud of our communities coming together, staying home, helping each other out. If there is something you need, there are whole groups of people ready and willing to help a stranger out. I see it all day on my Facebook feed, people offering up formula or diapers, services to drop off food, or offering homeschooling tools and advice.

Thankfully, this pandemic has come during a time of advanced technological capabilities, allowing us all to connect digitally.

Doctors, teachers and coaches are now available online. From the comfort of your socially distant home, you can find help right at your fingertips.

Ask. It doesn’t make you look weak. You aren’t impositioning anyone. People inherently like to be helpful.

Especially if you need help dealing with the anxiety of our current situation. We don’t make good decisions coming from a place of fear. Now more than ever it is essential to have emotional resiliency to get through this tough time and come out the other end whole and ready to move forward.

We’ll get through this. Together, even though we’re physically apart. Wishing you much love, luck, and light on your journey.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Woman practicing mindfulness to manage her social anxiety.

Being Thankful in an Age of Anxiety

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This Thanksgiving feels different to a lot of people. They are glued to the news, concerned about the state of the world, watching or participating in demonstrations and rallies, not sure how to speak to their children about war, and seeing cracks in friendships because of opposing opinions about global events. Anxiety about Israel and Hamas, Russia and Ukraine, Israel and Hezbollah, America and Iran, gun violence, political polarization… the list goes on and on. There are fears for the present and trepidation about the future.

Individuals vary in how they react to anxiety. Some bury their heads in their sand and ignore the rumbling sense of anxiety that seems to permeate society or that lies beneath their exterior. Others are in a hyper-alert state and can’t get enough of the latest, up-to-the-minute news reports and social media feeds.

At a time when people get their news from sources that accentuate their own beliefs and communicate in an echo chamber, emotions become even more intensified. Because of 24/7 media, the international, the interpersonal, and intra-psychic have all converged in a way that we may never have seen before. This tests the metal in each of us.

As Benjamin Franklin said, out of adversity comes opportunity. Our age of anxiety presents us with what can be considered a Zen challenge. Can we maintain calm and experience gratitude at a time when we are tense, worried, and, perhaps, feeling a bit pessimistic? Like anything else, relaxation and calm take a bit of work.

Steps for Easing Your Anxiety

Here are suggestions for easing your anxiety and fostering your appreciation for the blessings in your life:

1. Modulate what you are being exposed to. Staying tuned to news all day is a recipe for agita. Give yourself breaks. Some people can’t help but starting and ending their day with updates on the news, but try to limit your exposure.

2. Practice loving-kindness and self-compassion. This frequently means relieving oneself of guilt for things not done to your satisfaction or just generally feeling anxious. Try to do this for five or ten minutes. Holding on to moments when you are not consumed with negativity is invaluable.

3. Exercise. Whether you run, practice yoga, or do any other type of physical movement, it will help clear your head and access positive energy.

4. Take a couple of moments during the day to count your blessings—including the people in your life and the good fortune from which you’ve benefitted. Take nothing for granted. Taking things for granted only robs you of the fruits of your labor. (If you don’t think you have good things in your life, chances are this is a distortion from being depressed. Don’t ignore this sign. Seek help.)

5. Meditate. Posture, relaxation, breathing, and focus calms one’s body and mind.

6. Surround yourself with people who nourish you. Think about the effect that others have on you and, to the best of your ability, spend time with those who exude positive vibes. It can be just a phone call; it needn’t involve spending a weekend together.

7. If it’s within your spiritual outlook, pray for goodness in the world, for those you love, and for yourself.

If you’re looking for more guidance…We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual psychotherapy and online psychotherapy services for anxiety treatment, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and EMDR.

 

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Written by: Samuel L. Pauker, M.D

Learn how to cope with anxiety by working with a therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

Avoid or Redirect? Know the Difference for Better Coping with Anxiety

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We’ve all heard it before: compulsions equal bad. You have to face your fear to overcome it. Running away and avoiding your fear will only make it worse.

You may have also heard it is important to redirect your energies toward a life of personal value and meaning.

But, when is it avoidance, and when is it redirection?

Traditional Treatment for Anxiety Disorder

To understand the avoidance vs. redirection discussion, you first have to know the therapeutic framework.

Treatment for anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety spectrum disorders, including social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorders, and specific phobias, will usually take the form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention (ERP).

In a nutshell, CBT is concerned with your thoughts (cognitions) and your actions (behaviors). To start, CBT will have you look at your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself about the situation you are in and see if you can think about them more logically. If you can think about them differently then you can do something different about those situations and respond to your thoughts and the outside world in more reasonable and adaptive ways. This last is the behavioral part.

Exposure and Response Prevention fits into this behavioral part. ERP helps you to slowly and thoughtfully get closer to your fears (exposure), while intentionally resisting compulsive or unhelpful behaviors (response prevention).

Avoidance as an Unhelpful Behavior

Along with reassurance seeking, rumination, and rituals, avoidance is one of those compulsive and maladaptive coping skills that prevent people from effectively facing their fears and learning that they can handle anxiety and uncertainty. Simultaneously, people see that their worst fear is really unlikely to happen. When you avoid uncomfortable situations or thoughts, you also avoid the opportunity to learn from them and grow from your lived experiences.

It’s like physical exercise. When you avoid it, you don’t get stronger.

ERP would have you face your fears and learn to endure the momentary discomfort and ride the fluctuating wave of anxiety up to its peak until it comes down back to baseline. In this process, you see that anxiety did not kill you, that you were strong enough to endure the wonky experience and discover what actually happens (usually nothing, in the best way).

Avoidance is a ploy to not feel uncomfortable or not have an unwanted experience.

Suppression is avoidance’s aggressive twin. Suppression can include thoughts, feelings, mental images, or physical sensations. This is the intentional effort of stuffing a feeling down or shoving it out of your experience. It’s exhausting and ultimately does not work. For example, don’t think about a white elephant: How’s that going?

What Is Redirection?

Redirection is a deliberate effort to place your attention and energy on actions, thoughts, or interactions that are more meaningful and important to you at the moment.

In fact, I bet you already do this. Have you ever been in class and gotten distracted by a thought of the cute redhead, then try to refocus back on the teacher? Or ever been in a meeting and start dreaming of that vacation you’re going on, and then catch yourself, and try to get your head back in the meeting? That’s redirection.

They Are not the Same

Avoidance and redirection have similarities, but knowing their differences can be a turning point for you in treatment.

They both seemingly place less emphasis on a specific thought, but that’s where they stop their similarities.

Avoidance, along with its twin suppression, are a futile attempt to pretend as if the unwanted experience does not exist. You deceive yourself with the hope that just not thinking about the feeling, thought, or mental image will make it go away and that you’ll feel better.

To be fair, it may feel better for a moment, but remember that white elephant exercise? Efforts to avoid or suppress only amplify the thought, make it more important, and ensure that it sticks in the mind and body longer.

On the other hand, redirection acknowledges the presence of the thought and feeling and elevates the importance of another thought or action over the unwanted one. Redirection does not seek to destroy unwanted thoughts. Instead, it affirms the importance of something else and pursues it with gentle interest and commitment.

It’s like adopting a dog at the pound. You don’t have to have all the other dogs put down in order to adopt the dog you want. You just say, “Hey, I’ll take that one,” and let the other ones be adopted by other people, while they slowly drift from your memory.

We can help.

Hillary Counseling offers individual therapy and online therapy services for anxiety treatment.

Contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →

Article By: Kevin Foss, LCSW

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