New to Therapy? Everything You Need to Know Before Your First Session

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Thinking about starting therapy is a big and brave step. Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, curious about personal growth, or simply want support navigating life’s challenges, therapy can be a powerful tool. If you’re asking yourself, “I want to start therapy—what do I need to know?”, you’re not alone. Here’s what to expect and how to make the process smoother.

1. You Don’t Need to Be in Crisis to Start Therapy

Many people believe that therapy is only for when you’re in crisis. In reality, therapy is for anyone who wants to better understand themselves, improve relationships, manage stress, or grow emotionally. It can be proactive, not just reactive. Starting before things feel unmanageable can be one of the most caring things you do for yourself.

2. Choosing the Right Therapist Matters

Finding the right therapist is one of the most important parts of starting therapy. The therapeutic relationship plays a big role in how comfortable, supported, and understood you feel—so it’s okay (and encouraged!) to explore your options.

Think about what’s important to you:

  • Areas of specialty (like anxiety, trauma, ADHD, life transitions, or relationships)

  • Therapeutic style (Do you prefer someone direct? Nurturing? Or perhaps you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in a particular approach, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), or EMDR?

  • Identity factors that matter to you (gender, cultural background, LGBTQ+ affirming, etc.)

At Hillary Counseling, we offer free phone consultations to help you get a feel for your potential therapist’s personality and approach. With a diverse team of skilled clinicians, we’re happy to help you find the best fit. And if your first consultation doesn’t feel like the right match—that’s okay. You’re welcome to explore other options within our practice until you find someone who feels like the right fit for your journey.

 

3. Understand the Logistics

Before your first session, it’s helpful to know what to expect when it comes to the practical side of therapy:

  • Cost: Hillary Counseling is a private pay (self-pay) practice. We’ve intentionally chosen not to work directly with insurance providers so we can offer more personalized care without the limitations of session caps, required diagnoses, or treatment restrictions. This model gives you greater privacy, flexibility, and control over your therapy journey.

  • Scheduling: We offer both in-person sessions at our Third Ward office and secure virtual therapy for clients across Wisconsin. You can choose what feels most convenient and comfortable for you.

  • Cancellation Policy: We ask that clients provide at least 24 hours’ notice to cancel or reschedule a session to avoid a late cancellation fee.

While we don’t bill insurance, many of our clients choose to use their out-of-network benefits and submit superbills for potential reimbursement. If that’s something you’re interested in, we’re happy to guide you through the process.

4. It’s Normal to Feel Nervous

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions before your first session—nervousness, hope, even vulnerability. Starting therapy can feel like a big step, but you don’t need to have everything figured out or come in with a perfectly prepared list of goals. Just being open to the process is more than enough.

In your first session, your therapist will typically begin by taking a thorough history. This helps us understand where you come from, what you’ve experienced, and why you may think, feel, or act in certain ways. From there, we’ll work together to explore your challenges, goals, and the areas you’d like to focus on moving forward. The goal is to create a safe, collaborative space where we can start building a foundation for your healing journey at a pace that feels right for you.

5. Therapy Is a Process, Not a Quick Fix

Growth takes time. Some sessions may feel really productive, while others might feel more emotional or even slow. All of it is part of the work. Try to stay patient and open to the unfolding journey. It’s okay to speak up if something isn’t working for you—therapy should feel like a safe space where your voice matters.

6. Confidentiality and Safety Are Key

What you say in therapy is kept private, with a few legal exceptions (like if someone is in danger). Most therapists will go over this in your first session so you know exactly what to expect. Feeling emotionally safe is essential for real healing.

7. You’re In Control

You get to decide what to talk about, how often you attend, and when (or if) you’re ready to stop. Therapy isn’t something that happens to you—it’s something you’re actively part of.

Starting Therapy Is an Investment in Yourself

At Hillary Counseling, we believe therapy can be an empowering part of your wellness journey—not just a lifeline in hard times. Whether you’re navigating grief, anxiety, relationships, or personal growth, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re curious about beginning therapy with us or want to learn more, we’re here to answer your questions and help you take the next step.

Your healing doesn’t have to wait.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Parental Stress and Difficulties Coping…

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You’ve probably heard about the recent U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on parental stress. Parents and caregivers feeling stressed is not a new phenomenon. However, today’s levels of stress have parents at a breaking point, with 41 percent of parents saying that most days they feel so stressed they can’t even function (Murthy, 2024). More parents than ever before say they are stressed to a high degree, with almost 50 percent of parents reporting that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming compared to other adults” (Murthy, 2024).

There are numerous causes of this high parental stress. Of the concerns mentioned in the recent report, the following three are likely to greatly impact caregivers of young children:

1. Poverty and financial instability. Due to the intensive nature of taking care of babies and toddlers (who are very needy and cannot feed, clothe, or go to the toilet themselves), one parent is unable to work during this time unless childcare is paid for out of pocket. While other costs of living can be a challenge, the price of childcare has increased by about 26 percent in the past decade, causing significant financial strain for families (Murthy, 2024).

2. Time commitment. Caregivers of young children are busier than ever. Caregivers are spending more time working (over 20 hours more per week for mothers and almost 1.5 hours more for fathers since 1985) and taking care of children (almost 3.5 hours more per week for mothers and 4 hours more for fathers since 1985) (Murthy, 2024). Further stressed are the caregivers, sometimes referred to as “the sandwich generation.” Almost a quarter of U.S. adults care not only for a child (or adult child), but for an aging parent as well (Murthy, 2024). With the lack of comprehensive national infrastructure for either childcare or elder care in this country, that sandwich is often pressed into a panini, feeling pressure from all sides.

3. Isolation and lonliness. While everyone knows the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” modern life has left many caregivers of young children far from their extended families and without a village or community. This isolation and lack of social support can lead to increased stress for already stretched caregivers (Murthy, 2024).

Parental stress is particularly problematic for caregivers of very young children.

Babies and toddlers are unique because their brains are going through their most rapid period of development. During the first three years of life, a child’s brain forms more than 1 million new neural connections every single second (Murthy, 2024). These connections are strengthened through repeated positive experiences and help babies thrive and survive in their homes, wider communities, and broader culture.

This time of heightened growth is also one of intensive caregiving. As noted, babies are born completely helpless and quite needy. The foundational years of early brain architecture require caregivers of young children to have significant physical, emotional, and mental bandwidth to be attuned, responsive to the baby’s needs, and able to provide the “serve and return” interactions necessary to positively wire their child’s brain. Without this bandwidth, young children suffer.

It is well established that the mental health of caregivers affects the health and mental health of children—especially young children—as babies and toddlers rely on their caregivers to be calm and regulated in order to feel secure. When caregivers are supported, they can provide those safe, stable, and nurturing relationships and environments that set children on a trajectory where they will thrive (Murthy, 2024).

Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support.

How can parents get the support they need?

Providers and others who support families and caregivers of young children can “take care of the caregiver” by championing mental health support in several ways. Prevention of stress can be addressed through regular mental health screening, preventive care for mental health and stress management, and by providing added layers of support for those at high risk for mental health conditions (Murthy, 2024).

Additionally, caregivers benefit when professionals foster interdisciplinary connections between mental health providers and primary care and engage in partnerships with community organizations that provide parental care, resources, and support. These approaches, along with meaningful policy change such as paid family leave, guaranteed sick time, and more, will help create the necessary networks of support to alleviate the high amount of stress so many caregivers are feeling (Murthy, 2024).

Are you looking for more SUPPORT coping with Parental Stress?

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Rahil Briggs, Psy.D

References

Murthy, V. (2024, August 28). Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents. United States. Public Health Service. Office of the Surgeon General.

Father and son

Stressed and Anxious? Here’s How to Stay Emotionally Healthy

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“Health is not just about what you’re eating. It’s also about what you’re thinking and saying.”

A virus is spreading across the globe. Schools are shut down. People are out of work. Grocery stores are empty.

Weddings, graduations, vacations, a day in court—canceled.

This is the ultimate test in emotional resilience.

Uncertainty is one of the main reasons we stress, along with a lack of control, and right now we’ve got it in truckloads. I’ve spent the last decade building my mental and emotional resilience to stress and adversity, and yet fighting off the anxiety is still a challenge.

I’m putting all the tools in my toolbox to good use.

And they are working. So I want to share these tools with you.

1. Talk to someone, but limit the bitching.

It can be cathartic to share with others the fear, panic, and challenges we’re experiencing. It makes us feel not alone. It validates our feelings and makes us feel connected. So talk to someone about what is stressing you out right now.

But set a time limit to focus on the negative. Maybe ten or twenty minutes each to share. Then it’s time to change the conversation.

Here are some cues:

What is going right?
What are you proud of yourself for?
What are you grateful for?
What are you looking forward to?
Despite the hardships, how are you coping?
How can you encourage and praise your friend?
When we only focus on the negative, we forget what is going well and then all we can see is the bad.

I also find it incredibly helpful to notice how differently my body feels when I’m complaining, angry, and blaming than it does when I’m grateful and optimistic. One feels tight, hot, and heavy. The other feels lighter, looser, and freer.

And as I listen to my husband, mother, or friends share their pain with me, I always make it a point when they are done to change the conversation and ask them what’s going good. I can hear the tone in their voice change as they bring their thoughts to the positive.

2. Be generous.

This doesn’t need to be a gift of money!

It can be a roll of toilet paper. It can be an hour Facetiming your grandmother who is held up in her nursing home with no visitors right now. It can be offering to pick up and drop off groceries for a neighbor or making them a plate of enchiladas.

I have a three-month-old and am blessed with an ample supply of breastmilk, so donating some of my freezer stash costs me nothing, but can mean so much for a needy mother and child right now.

Generosity can even come in the form of well wishes or prayers for others dealing with difficult times.

Giving is scientifically proven to be good for your emotional health.

It activates regions of the brain “associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust, creating a ‘warm glow’ effect. It releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the ‘helper’s high.’”

Giving has been linked to the release of oxytocin, a hormone that induces feelings of warmth, euphoria, and connection to others.

It’s been shown to decrease stress, which not only feels better, but lowers your blood pressure and other health problems caused by stress.

What can you give right now?

3. Take a mental break.

It’s so easy to get stuck in mental go-mode all our waking hours. Especially since our brains crave being busy or entertained.

Even when we rest, we flip through Facebook, watch TV, or daydream.

These past few weeks I haven’t been making the time to take my mental breaks. I usually meditate daily, but with a baby who doesn’t yet have an eating and sleeping schedule, plus with all the extra stresses right now, I’ve not given my mind a break!

So I could feel the anxiety creeping in. It started in the body. I felt the tension in my muscles. My jaw was tight. Breathing was shallow. And I was irritable!

I know it’s time for a mental break when something as simple as my husband leaving another towel on the banister makes me want to file for divorce. (Or end up on an episode of Dateline!)

So I put my husband on baby duty, ran on the treadmill trying to focus on my breath and not my to-do list, took a shower, and brought my attention to the warm water instead of worry over how I will get clients. Then I meditated for fifteen minutes zoning in on my breath every time my thoughts turned to worry over daycare and the coronavirus.

I felt like I’d washed my brain. The tension was gone, my mind was clear, and I no longer wanted to strangle my husband.

From our anxious place, we catastrophize as we spin out in our negativity bias. All we can see is the negative.

We need these mental breaks to create space from these ruminating thoughts. We need to hit the reset button.

A mental break is taking anywhere from thirty seconds to thirty minutes to consciously turn our attention inward, away from outside influence, as well as our flow of thoughts.

We can’t stop the flow of thoughts, but we can notice when they’ve taken our attention, and purposefully redirect that attention to something in the present moment like the breath, a mantra or sound, or a visualization.

Woman in Milwaukee, WI practicing self-care to improve her mental health and well being

Here are a few ways to take that mental break:

Breathwork
Spend time with your pet
Time in nature
Walking, exercise, or dancing
Practicing mindfulness
Listening to music
Simple mental break breathing:

Start with a re-calibrating big, big inhale, hold it, and breathe out all the way.
Now breathe in slowly to the count of four, then hold for a second.
When you hold, hear the silence between the breaths.
Then breathe out to the count of four and hold for a second at the bottom.
When you hold, feel your mind clearing as you listen for the space between inhale and exhale.
Repeat until you feel relaxed.

4. Allow all the feels.

This stress and anxiety feel terrible. And it can be hard to muster up the strength and will to try out some of the items on this list to make yourself feel better.

That’s okay.

But what tends to happen is we want to run from the discomfort, try to suppress it with distraction like TV or social media, or numb it with wine, food, or drugs.

It’s normal to want to avoid pain. We’re naturally geared to avoid it. However, when we block this pain from flowing, when we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they get stuck.

Emotions are energy in motion. If you stop it, it just bottles up. It doesn’t disappear.

Try this exercise to allow your emotions to flow:

Take a moment to close your eyes and sit in a quiet space or block out distraction as best you can.
Take a deep breath in and slowly breathe out.
Notice the physical feelings of stress. Where are you holding it in your body? What does it feel like?
On your next exhale, release as much tension as you can.
Repeat:
“I am allowing these feelings to be present.”
“I let these feelings flow through me.”
“These feelings are causing me no harm.”
Now scan your body starting from your head, jaw and neck. Shoulders and hips. Down your legs and feet. Release any tension you find along the way.
Once you’ve allowed these feelings to exist and flow, the following tool is a fantastic next step toward emotional health.

5. Express gratitude.

We humans have a natural negativity bias. It’s a mechanism in place designed with the intention of keeping us safe.

Being on the lookout for danger, in theory, might be a better tactic to keep us alive than ignoring any signs of danger for the sake of focusing on pleasantries. Like being on alert for a mountain lion instead of enjoying a bed of flowers.

But 99 percent of the time, or more, our lives are not in imminent danger. Yet the negativity bias remains.

As it turns out, much like generosity, gratitude is also scientifically proven to be good for our emotional health.

It’s shown that people who express gratitude are more optimistic and feel better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercise more and have fewer visits to physicians than those who focus on sources of aggravation.

In some studies, it’s also shown people immediately exhibiting a huge increase in happiness scores, as well as improved relationships.

Woman coping with grief and seeking grief counseling from a licensed therapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Here are some ways to express gratitude:

Write a thank-you note or email
Thank someone mentally
Try a gratitude journal
Pray or meditate on something you are grateful for

6. Ask for help if you need it.

I am so proud of our communities coming together, staying home, helping each other out. If there is something you need, there are whole groups of people ready and willing to help a stranger out. I see it all day on my Facebook feed, people offering up formula or diapers, services to drop off food, or offering homeschooling tools and advice.

Thankfully, this pandemic has come during a time of advanced technological capabilities, allowing us all to connect digitally.

Doctors, teachers and coaches are now available online. From the comfort of your socially distant home, you can find help right at your fingertips.

Ask. It doesn’t make you look weak. You aren’t impositioning anyone. People inherently like to be helpful.

Especially if you need help dealing with the anxiety of our current situation. We don’t make good decisions coming from a place of fear. Now more than ever it is essential to have emotional resiliency to get through this tough time and come out the other end whole and ready to move forward.

We’ll get through this. Together, even though we’re physically apart. Wishing you much love, luck, and light on your journey.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Sandy Wosnicki 

Online Therapy for Busy Lifestyles: Prioritizing Your Mental Health

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Managing the balance of work, life, and relationships can be challenging, and sometimes, finding the time to prioritize your mental health can feel like a daunting task. But, that’s the benefit of having an online therapist.

Whether you’re juggling work, family, or a never-ending to-do list, online therapy, offers flexibility and convenience to help you take care of your mental well-being. So, let’s explore how you can make the most of your online therapy appointments when your schedule is busier than ever.

The Challenge of Work-Life Balance and Mental Health

Balancing work, life, and mental health can often be a challenge to figure out. The demands of a busy job, relationships, home responsibilities, and the daily grind can leave us feeling stretched thin.

Sometimes this might mean our mental health takes a backseat as we attempt to handle all of our commitments. But it’s essential to remember that neglecting our mental well-being can have a ripple effect, impacting both our work and personal life. Finding that equilibrium requires intention, self-care, and a willingness to seek support when needed. It’s a challenging task, but acknowledging the struggle is the first step towards achieving that balance.

Tips for Making the Most of Online Therapy

1. Prioritize Self-Care: The first step to making online therapy work for you is to recognize the importance of taking time for yourself and for sustainable and meaningful self-care. Mental health is health so it is something to consider prioritizing alongside work meetings, errands, and meet-ups with friends or family.

2. Choose the Right Therapist: Finding the right therapist is essential. Take your time to research and select someone whose expertise and approach align with your needs. Most therapists have online profiles that detail their specialties and approaches, making it easier to find the perfect fit.

3. Set Realistic Goals: Be honest with yourself about your schedule. If your days are jam-packed, it might not be feasible to commit to weekly sessions. Work with your therapist to set realistic goals and set appointment times that can work for your schedule on a weekly basis.

4. Embrace the Convenience: Online therapy allows you to attend sessions from the comfort of your own home or wherever you may be. Take advantage of this convenience and enjoy the lack of commute time. You can even have sessions during your lunch break if that works best for you.

5. Create a Dedicated Space: Designate a quiet, comfortable space for your online therapy sessions. It could be a cozy corner in your bedroom or a secluded spot in your living room. Ideally, this space is free from distractions so you can fully focus on your therapy and, of course, private and confidential.

6. Stay Committed: Consistency is key in therapy, so commit to your appointments. Treat them as non-negotiable, just like you would with any other important commitment. Remember, this is time for you to heal and grow.

7. Integrate Mindfulness: In the midst of your busy life, remember to stay mindful of your mental health. Check in with yourself regularly, practice self-compassion, and remember that it’s okay to take a break when needed.

What to Expect In Online Therapy (and Is It Effective?)

In online therapy, you can expect a similar therapeutic experience as in-person sessions, with a few key differences. During your virtual sessions, you’ll interact with your therapist through video calls or phone conversations, which offers flexibility and convenience. While the physical distance may initially feel unusual, many people find they become just as comfortable discussing their concerns and emotions online as they do in person.

Online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for individuals and couples because it is the same level of support, guidance, and evidence-based interventions. However, the effectiveness can vary depending on the individual’s comfort with technology, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the nature of their mental health concerns.

Ultimately, the choice between virtual and in-person therapy should be based on your personal preferences and needs, as both formats of therapy have been proven to provide valuable mental health support.

Connect with an Online Therapist in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

Online therapy offers a dedicated space for those with hectic schedules, allowing you to invest in yourself without adding extra stress to your day. And, getting started can be the hardest part of getting started with therapy. If you’re interested in learning more about our online therapy or our team, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Woman who practices self-compassion through mindfulness

Embracing Imperfection: The Power of Self-Compassion

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When we watch TV, scroll through social media, or see other people’s achievements in life, we can develop unrealistic standards of beauty, intelligence, and success. This can create a habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others, which can lead to harsh self-criticism.

Harsh self-criticism can have a negative impact on our mental and emotional health. A healthier way to deal with your imperfections is to recognize them without judgment and respond with self-compassion.

What is Self-Compassion? (And Its Importance)

Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself the same way you would treat other people who are having a difficult time. It is noticing your suffering, having the desire to care for yourself, and recognizing that your imperfection or struggle is a part of being human.

Dr. Kristin Neff, who pioneered the study of self-compassion, identified the three elements of self-compassion:

  • Self-Kindness. This involves being concerned and caring for your discomfort and distress. It’s being there for yourself when you find life difficult.
  • Common Humanity. This means that you recognize that facing challenges in life is an experience that all humans share, so you don’t feel alone in your struggles.
  • Mindfulness. To be mindful is to acknowledge your pain without overidentifying your negative thoughts and feelings. It takes a balanced approach that allows you to have the perspective to practice compassion for yourself.

Self-compassion is important in today’s society because it can help you strike a balance between striving for excellence and accepting your limitations. This way, you can bounce back from setbacks, learn from your failures, and still have a positive outlook in life even in the face of challenges.

Understanding the Concept of Imperfection

Perfectionism can leave us constantly stressed, burnt out, and unhappy with our lives. Moreover, unrealistic expectations can lead to low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Imperfections are qualities or characteristics of something or someone that deviate from a perfect or ideal standard. It might refer to physical imperfections, such as scars or blemishes. Or even academic imperfections, such as grades that are less than perfect.

Before we can practice self-compassion, we need to recognize that flaws are a part of life. When we recognize that humans are imperfect, then we can look at our shortcomings and avoid falling into feelings of self-loathing. It allows us to understand that it’s normal to make mistakes or accept that some things are out of our control.

The Detrimental Effects of Self-Judgment

Self-judgment involves looking at yourself, your characteristics, actions, and behaviors in a critical or often negative way. When you talk to yourself in a negative way, you can start to believe that everything your inner critic says is true. Additionally, it can fuel your perfectionism tendencies, which can lead to a constant fear of failure.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can reduce the pressure to be perfect because you can accept that you’re only human. You can better bounce back from setbacks and cope with challenges. Moreover, if you treat yourself with compassion, you can treat others with the same understanding.

Studies on Self-Compassion

The concept of self-compassion and its effects have been researched in various studies. According to a research, self-compassion can reduce people’s reactions to negative events. It can lessen the impact of negative self-feelings when imagining distressing events and receiving contradictory feedback. Moreover, it can also make people recognize their role in negative events without being overwhelmed.

Self-compassion has also been linked to improved emotional well-being. In a 2022 study, results showed a positive two-way connection between self-compassion and happiness. It was also found that mindfulness was a significant contributing factor that influences happiness.

Strategies for Embracing Imperfection

Practicing self-compassion is key to embracing your imperfections. Here are some strategies you can try:

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a key element of self-compassion. It’s taking a balanced approach to dealing with your negative thoughts and emotions, so you’re not avoiding or exaggerating your feelings. By being mindful, you are avoiding falling into the pitfall of rumination, which is the process of repetitive thinking or dwelling on your negative thoughts.

For example, if you catch yourself having a negative thought, take a moment to pause what you are doing. Acknowledge the thought as an impartial observer and label it as just a thought. Assess if your thoughts are helpful or useful. Recognize that you have the choice to let go of the thoughts if they’re not helpful to you.

Use positive affirmations

Affirmations are statements that you can use to challenge and replace negative thoughts about yourself. They can help you gain a more positive mindset.

Positive affirmations play an important role in practicing self-compassion because you’re promoting a kinder attitude toward yourself. They can help you challenge negative self-talk and break the cycle of harsh self-judgment.

Self-love affirmations can help promote body positivity, emotional well-being, self-compassion, personal growth, self-worth, and inner peace. For example, you can say, “I forgive myself for making mistakes. I believe in my ability to learn from them” or “I embrace my imperfections as a part of my unique and beautiful self.”

Accept and learn from mistakes

Instead of letting your failures defeat you, use them as opportunities for learning and growth.

First, acknowledge your mistake and recognize that it’s part of being human. The next step is to take responsibility for your actions and analyze the mistake to understand what went wrong. Ask yourself, what can you learn and what would you do differently next time.

If needed, you can take action to rectify the situation. You can also seek feedback from other people to gain another perspective. Then develop a plan so you can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. Lastly, forgive yourself and let go of the self-blame so you can grow as a person.

Self-Compassion in Daily Life

Start your day mindfully by taking a few deep breaths and setting your intentions for the day ahead.

Then you can recite positive affirmations about yourself. Repeat these statements regularly multiple times a day so you can internalize them.

Try to practice self-kindness when you make mistakes or face challenges throughout the day. Replace negative self-talk (which is frequently done in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT) such as “I’m so stupid for making mistakes” with “It’s okay to make mistakes, I will learn from it and do better.” This can help you achieve a growth mindset while being compassionate towards yourself.

At the end of the day, you can also write in your journal to express your thoughts and feelings during difficult moments and reflect on your mistakes. Use self-compassionate language as much as possible. Don’t forget to list down things you’re grateful for and celebrate your progress as well!

Embrace Your Imperfections Through Self-Compassion

Remember that your flaws are what make you human, relatable, and unique. That’s why embracing your imperfections is a powerful act of self-love.

You can practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself just as you would to a friend. It might take time and effort to gain this skill, but it’s all worth it in the end.

Finding A Therapist To Support You

Managing your thinking mistakes – all or nothing and catastrophizing – will support you well in overcoming perfectionism. The same is true for learning how to be kinder with yourself through a self-compassion practice.

At Hillary Counseling, our therapists utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and mindfulness to reduce perfectionism. These types of therapy greatly help you change your mindset which is essential to become less perfectionistic.

Want to learn about embracing imperfection for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our Milwaukee therapists, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.

 

 

Article By: Michael Vallejo, LCSW

Woman in Milwaukee, WI practicing self-care to improve her mental health and well being

Self-Care In The New Year

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Did you know that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February? Do you have plans for this new year? Are you wondering if they will stick? Let’s explore dynamic and practical strategies to maintain mental and physical wellness throughout the year, not just in the fleeting glow of New Year’s resolution season. Read on, and together, let’s redefine what caring for ourselves in the new year means.

Caring for yourself goes beyond the occasional bubble bath or massage (although those are great!). It’s about setting goals, establishing boundaries, and creating a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. It’s about living authentically and intentionally. So, let’s dive into some practical strategies for nurturing your mind, body, and spirit in the new year.

1. Set Goals With Intention

Setting goals is essential to stepping into the new year with purpose. But it’s not just about what you want to achieve—it’s also about why. What values are driving these goals? How do these goals align with your true self? Setting intentional goals creates a roadmap that leads us closer to our authentic selves.

For instance, your goal is to embrace a healthier lifestyle in the new year. The “what” in this scenario might be “I want to exercise more and eat healthier.” However, the “why” is vitally important because you value your health and want to feel more energetic and focused daily. Having a clear “why” helps ensure your goals align with your values and makes them more compelling and motivational. Remember, your goals should reflect who you want to become, not just what you want to do.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care. They allow us to honor our needs and make space for our well-being. In the coming year, reflect on areas where you may need to establish or strengthen boundaries. This could be learning to say “no” more often, scheduling regular “me time,” or communicating your needs more clearly in relationships.

Consider the case of workplace boundaries. It’s common to feel obligated to be available around the clock in today’s digital age. However, this can lead to burnout and negatively impact your health and well-being. An example of a healthy boundary in this context is setting specific “work hours” and allowing yourself to truly disconnect outside these hours. This means no responding to work emails or answering work calls during your time. Establishing this boundary ensures you have the time and space to relax, recharge, and engage in activities you enjoy outside of work.

3. Cultivate Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, a powerful antidote to the modern world’s constant rush and distraction. For example, start a daily meditation practice where you spend 10 minutes each morning quietly focusing on your breath. Or, you could try mindful eating, where you entirely focus on your food’s taste, texture, and smell, rather than eating mindlessly in front of the TV. Cultivating mindfulness can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity, making it an essential wellness practice for the new year.

4. Nourish Your Body

Your body is the vessel that carries you through life—so treat it with love. This means eating nourishing foods, staying hydrated, exercising regularly, and ensuring enough sleep. Remember, small, consistent actions are more impactful than drastic, short-lived changes.

Nourishing your body involves a holistic approach to wellness, balancing physical activities with mindful eating. For instance, you might begin your day with a nourishing breakfast comprising whole grain cereal, fruits, and a protein source like eggs or yogurt. This kick-starts your metabolism and provides energy for the day. Pair this with a routine of regular exercise. This could be as simple as a brisk 30-minute walk, a yoga session, or a more intense activity like running or weight training. Remember, the goal isn’t to strive for perfection but to make small, consistent changes that promote overall health and well-being.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, remember to be kind to yourself. You will have days when you falter, and that’s OK. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. It’s acknowledging that we’re all human, and it’s OK to be a work in progress.

Consider this example of self-compassion. Perhaps you missed a workout session one day because you were overloaded at work. Rather than berating yourself for not sticking to your fitness routine, understand that you had a demanding day and that it’s OK to take breaks when needed. Remind yourself that one missed workout doesn’t negate all your previous efforts. Instead of dwelling on what you didn’t do, focus on what you can do next. Maybe plan a calming yoga routine the next day or prioritize getting a good night’s sleep. This way, you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, exactly as you would treat a friend in the same situation.

Stepping into the new year is exciting—a fresh start brimming with possibilities. But remember, any lasting change begins with taking care of yourself. As you move through 2024, keep these strategies in mind. Nurture your mind, body, and spirit, and create a life that aligns with your true self. Here’s to a year filled with resilience, grace, and self-love. Happy New Year!

Want to learn about creating a self-care plan for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.
Christmas tree

How To Cope With Grief During the Holidays

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The swell of grief around the holidays is a common reason clients enter our therapy office this time of year. People often seek help for the immense sorrow that starts surfacing right around Thanksgiving.

When you’re grieving, there may be times when you want to participate in the excitement and joy but simultaneously don’t want to participate at all or feel guilty for celebrating.

Grief is complicated and unique for everyone. While accepting loss becomes easier over time, it is often something we carry with us forever.

If you’re wondering how to get through the holidays this year without your loved one, these strategies can help:

1. Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

Time doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain—rather than constantly trying to escape it—can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

You certainly don’t have to force yourself to face every holiday event or celebratory tradition, however. If attending a tree lighting ceremony or participating in the office gift swap is likely to bring about too many painful memories this year, be willing to say no. Other people may try to convince you to participate, but you certainly don’t have to try to please everyone.

3. Focus on What You Can Control

There are a lot of things you can’t control about the holidays. You may be subjected to Christmas music in the waiting room of your doctor’s office or you may overhear your co-workers constantly talking about their holiday plans. While you can’t prevent those things from happening, there are some things you can control.

Think about what you can do to lessen the heartache when you can. It’s OK to limit your decorations or shop for presents online only. Pick a few things you can do to assert some control over the holiday cheer, and keep in mind that life goes on for other people and it’s OK that they’re happy to celebrate this year.

4. Plan Ahead

Often, the anticipation over how hard something is going to be is worse than the actual event. So while Thanksgiving dinner may only last two hours, you could easily spend three weeks dreading it. Create a simple plan for how you’ll get through the holidays to avoid extending your anguish.

Often, it’s helpful to create an escape plan. Drive yourself to holiday functions or ride with a trusted friend who will take you home whenever you want. Just knowing you can easily leave at any time can help you enjoy the activity much more than you would if you felt stuck.

5. Allow Yourself to Feel a Range of Emotions

The holidays can bring about a wide range of emotions. You might feel joy, guilt, and sadness all within a few minutes. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judging yourself or thinking you should be happy or you shouldn’t be laughing.

6. Find a Way to Honor Your Memories

Create a special way to memorialize the person you’ve lost. Whether you decide to light a candle every night or eat your loved one’s favorite food, honoring your loved one can serve as a tangible reminder that although your loved one is gone, the love never dies.

7. Create New Traditions

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions this year too. It’s OK to get creative and do something a little out of the ordinary. You can also alter old traditions and make them fit better with the new phase in your life.

8. Do Something Kind for Others

Even when you’re in the midst of grief, you still have something to offer the world. Performing a few acts of kindness can be really good for a grieving person’s spirit. Donate gifts to families in need, serve meals at a soup kitchen, or volunteer to help people at a nursing home make holiday crafts if you’re up for it.

9. Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re struggling with the holidays. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you also may want to reach out for more support. Look for support groups or contact a professional counselor to help you deal with your grief in a healthy manner.

 

Want to learn about coping with grief during the holidays?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.

Woman practicing self-care

New Service…Health Coaching in Milwaukee

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✨ Exciting news…We’re now offering HEALTH COACHING! ✨⁠
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Health Coaching Is For You If:⁠
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Check out our health coaching page for more information or message us to schedule a FREE initial consult with our Health Coach, info@hillarycounseling.com. ?⁠
Confident woman who seeks therapy at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

5 Ways Almost Everyone Misunderstands Emotions

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Our emotions provide valuable data, but there are some ways virtually everyone misinterprets their emotions. This can lead to mismanaging your emotions or the situation they occur in. When you become aware of these, you can adjust so that you’re calmer and more effective.

Here are five common mistakes:

1. We think our emotions relate to the current situation when they relate to the past. Humans are learning machines. We don’t react to new situations as if we’ve never experienced the world before. We react based on all our prior learning experiences.

When we often experience an instinctive emotional reaction, that reaction isn’t just about the current circumstance we’re facing. We react to the ways right now reminds us of our past experiences.

When we feel big emotions, they can represent our body trying to protect us from events that already concluded long ago. For example, when you feel angry or slighted, your body might be trying to protect you from a time you weren’t respected or understood in the past, even if you are being respected and understood now.

Sometimes we feel shame in new situations due to memories of how we acted unskillfully in the past, even if we act skillfully now.

2. We assume other people’s emotions relate to us and the current situation. This is a similar point. When someone reacts emotionally, we tend to assume they’re reacting to our behavior and the current circumstance. But that person is also reacting to everything else. For example, in the work context, a reaction you get from a fellow human might be influenced by everything from their childhood experiences to the difficult interaction they had with their last customer to the email their boss sent yesterday about their organization’s current priorities to the micro-aggression they experienced on the subway that morning. All those triggers mix to determine the other person’s reaction to you.

This issue comes up a lot at work and also in romantic relationships. In couples, people often react in ways that relate to protecting themselves from past pain, whether from childhood or prior relationships.

3. We think emotions are a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions. Our culture tends to be comfort-obsessed. For example, if we feel hot, we expect to be able to crank our AC to remedy that. If the mattress we buy isn’t perfect, we return it. This comfort obsession also involves our emotions. We automatically see difficult emotions as a signal to start trying to reduce those emotions.

The problem is this: Much of what we instinctively do to reduce our distress makes our difficult emotions bigger. Even when we can “successfully” quell our big feelings, the cost is that those emotions, and the types of situations that trigger them, loom larger and larger in our lives. We end up devoting a lot of energy to avoiding certain emotions, which can get in the way of having the energy to devote to our other values. (If you’re anxiety-prone and managing anxiety is taking up too much of your life, check out these solutions.)

4. We usually fixate on only one emotion (and underplay what else we’re feeling and doing). Many of us have one dominant emotion (read more here). For example, some people rarely notice feeling angry but constantly notice feeling anxious, or the reverse.

Try using the word “and” more when you talk or think about your emotions. For instance, we rarely acknowledge when happy emotions occur alongside negative ones. For example, I’m pregnant, and I feel nervous about labor, and I feel excited about my baby.

It can also be useful to notice when multiple difficult emotions occur together, like “I feel anxious, and I feel angry.” Acknowledging multiple emotions can help you see a broader range of reactions you could choose from. Feeling anxious may not propel you to stand up to injustice, but noticing your anger might.

Third, you can acknowledge your emotions and behavior together, such as, “I feel anxious, and I’m doing competent, skillful behavior.”

5. We see emotions as either reasonable or unreasonable, justified or unjustified. People can suffer when they perceive they’re experiencing an emotion the situation doesn’t justify. For example, if you feel fearful or angry in a situation that doesn’t make everyone feel that way, you might think, “I shouldn’t be so scared of this.” Or, “I shouldn’t be so bothered by this. What’s wrong with me?” When this happens, you might conclude you’re not a mentally strong or skillful person, which doesn’t help you confidently choose a path forward.

It’s usually healthier to accept whatever you or someone else feels without judging whether it’s justified. This can help you become more curious about your own and others’ emotional worlds and less judgmental at the same time.

Which of these mistakes in interpreting emotions do you make? How might correcting these mistakes help you feel calmer and more skillful in managing your life and relationships? How could changing your approach to your emotions help you walk your values? (More on why this is an optimal response to stress here.)

Article by: Alice Boyes, Ph.D of Psychology Today

Looking for more help with your emotions? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consult with one of our experts, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Woman with great body image

7 Tips For Building A Better Body Image As An Adult

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When you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a window, or see yourself in a new picture that a friend posts on social media, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

Are they generally positive (I look so happy!), or more negative (Well, at least everyone else looks good)?

If they are positive, that’s great! But if they’re not, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle to feel happy with the way that we look, especially when it comes to our bodies.

While getting older may bring with it a certain sense of self-acceptance and the ability to reject the unrealistic beauty ideals that we see around us, aging also brings with it a new set of challenges to our self-esteem. You know — the messages and products that encourage us to “minimize those wrinkles” and “cover up those grays.”

“You can be reading a magazine and on one page there’s an article about how to love yourself the way you are, and then you flip the page and there’s an ad for a diet plan or an anti-aging cream.

All of those messages can be discouraging. But making some tweaks to your thought patterns can help you get back on the road to a positive body image. Start with these ideas.

Show some appreciation

A good place to start is to refocus your self-talk. Rather than nitpicking over the appearance of your body, try recognizing and appreciating the amazing things that it does for you every day. Appreciate that your strong arms allow you to carry your child and the diaper bag and the groceries up the stairs in one trip. Or that your skilled hands prepared an amazing dinner.

Record the positives

Here’s a little homework assignment: Write down five things you love about your personality. Easy, right? You’re a great listener and incredibly giving when it comes to helping others.

Now list five things you love about your body. “For most people, it’s easier to do the first, but it’s equally important to do the second.” Putting your feelings into written words (the old fashioned way!) helps you process your thoughts and commit things to memory.

Create little reminders

Write positive affirmations, goals or words of gratitude on sticky notes or note cards and putting them in places where you’ll see them throughout the day – the bathroom mirror, your wallet or by your computer at work. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, skills and goals.

Commit to doing things that make you feel good

Life is about so much more than how we look. Yet, how we feel about our bodies can dictate our mood and our behaviors. Have you ever canceled plans when you’re feeling bad about yourself? Resist the urge. Spending time with friends who aren’t focused on body image may actually help quiet your own body dissatisfaction.

Studies also show that exercise, yoga and helping others are great self-esteem boosters.

Occupy your mind

“We have another exercise that asks people to live their life as if they had 12 months, 5 days, 1 hour or 30 seconds to live,” Dr. Peterson says.

“In these circumstances, you would most likely focus on people, places and things that you love and that make you feel good – not on how your body looks.”

Don’t fear the mirror

If you have unhappy thoughts about how you look, you might find yourself dodging anything that shows your reflection. But, “avoidance breeds avoidance.” Ignoring those unhappy feelings won’t make them go away. She suggests noticing those negative thoughts that come to mind when you see yourself in the mirror, and applying the above tactics to turn them around.

Shut down the comparison game

Comparing your own body to others’ may be the quickest way to send your self-esteem plummeting. Instead, objectively admire the good qualities you notice in other people, and make a point to compliment them – it will make both of you feel good.

Feeling good at all sizes

It’s beneficial to love your and appreciate body no matter your shape or size.

In fact, if you’re overweight and taking steps toward a healthier lifestyle, research suggests that’s even more of a reason to work on building a healthy body image.

In one study of girls who were overweight, those with the highest levels of body satisfaction gained less weight after 10 years than those who were least satisfied with their bodies. Another study found that obese women who improved their body image were also better able to self-regulate their eating.

There’s no wrong time to work on feeling more comfortable in your own skin.

Need more help?

If you ever feel that your negative body image is affecting you in a distressing or disruptive way, reach out to schedule a FREE INITIAL CONSULT with one of our body image experts, info@hillarycounseling.com!