Topics to Explore in Therapy: Building Self-Awareness and Growth

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Therapy offers a unique opportunity to pause, reflect, and examine the deeper layers of your life. The topics you explore can unlock insight, promote healing, and inspire meaningful change. Here are seven thought-provoking areas to discuss with your therapist:

1. The Values You Hold at This Stage of Life

Take time to explore the values that guide your decisions and how they’ve shifted over time. Are you living in alignment with your core beliefs, or do you feel tension between your choices and your inner compass? This exploration can help clarify priorities and foster a greater sense of purpose.

2. Friendships You Are Most or Least Connected To

Relationships evolve, and so does the depth of our connections. Reflect on which friendships feel nourishing and which feel distant or strained. Therapy can help you strengthen meaningful bonds, navigate conflict, or let go of relationships that no longer serve you.

3. Your Current Coping Mechanisms

Take inventory of the ways you manage stress and challenges. Are your strategies helpful, or are some causing more harm than good? Whether it’s mindfulness, escapism, or unhealthy habits, understanding your coping methods can help you adopt healthier ways of managing emotions.

4. Your Relationship with Money

Money often represents more than just finances—it can signify security, freedom, or even self-worth. Therapy is a great space to explore the emotions tied to spending, saving, and earning. Understanding your financial patterns can empower you to create a more balanced relationship with money.

5. Challenging Parts of Your Personality

We all have aspects of our personalities that can feel tricky to navigate. Maybe it’s perfectionism, sensitivity, or a tendency to avoid conflict. Therapy can help you unpack these traits, understand their origins, and embrace them with greater compassion.

6. Exploring a Specific Emotion

Therapy is an ideal setting to dive into one emotion—such as anger, sadness, or joy—and notice how it manifests in your body. Understanding the physical sensations of emotions can deepen your connection to your inner experience and provide tools for emotional regulation.

7. Energy Drainers and Replenishers

What activities light you up, and which ones leave you feeling depleted? Therapy can help you map out your energy landscape, set boundaries, and prioritize the people and activities that rejuvenate you.

By bringing these topics into therapy, you can uncover patterns, shift perspectives, and create a more fulfilling life. Remember, therapy is a collaborative process—your therapist is there to guide and support you every step of the way.

Looking for guidance in Milwaukee? Our clinicians at Hillary Counseling specialize in helping you explore these topics and more. Reach out to take the first step toward deeper self-discovery.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, men’s issues, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

Happy woman with great mental health

How to Become a Better Person in 7 Days

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How often do think about becoming a BETTER version of yourself? Well, besides when you’re setting “New Year’s Goals and Resolutions?”  A lot of us are continually striving to be better…better parents, better partners, better friends, better daughters, better listeners. A helpful self-improvement strategy can be to place an emphasis on making small changes today, rather than what you’ll do one day.

“The time to start is today,” writes Lolly Daskal, the president and CEO of Lead From Within, in an article for Business Insider. “The alternative is a sad one: to look back one day and wish you had done better.”

To create a framework to challenge yourself and self-reflect, she’s devised seven simple questions—one to ask each day of the week. “If you can ask them with courage, answer them with truth, and put to use what you learn from them, the next seven days will be your master class on becoming a better person,” she says. Are you ready for the challenge?

Day 1: What do I sound like?

“The way you sound is the best indicator of how you think. Do you express negativity or optimism? Complacency or joy? Acceptance or judgment?” Daskal says.

Day 2: What do I still need to learn?

Learning is a lifelong pursuit. Acknowledge that there are infinite things you can learn, and the people around you can all offer a unique perspective and insight to grow your knowledge.

Day 3: How can I be more purposeful?

Living each day with purpose will help you to remain present and focused. What can you do today to be more purposeful? What do you want to achieve?

Day 4: How can I become a better role model?

“It’s not about making yourself into someone you’re not but about being genuine with who you are, with all your weakness and strengths, and living from that truth,” Daskal says. Aspire to do every task, no matter how great or small, to the best of your ability.

Day 5: Who do I need to forgive?

Holding onto anger or resentment can provide serious emotional blockages that can appear in other areas of your life. To truly become a better person, ask who you need to forgive in order to focus on what matters.

Day 6: How can I lace everything with love?

“Give freely of yourself without expecting anything in return,” she says. “Make today the day you lace everything you say and do with unconditional love. There’s no greater game changer.”

Day 7: How can I cultivate an attitude of gratitude?

You cannot always control what happens to you in life but you can control how you perceive and learn from it. Reflect on the week that’s passed, and focus on all that you’re grateful for.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article written by: Sophie Miura, Author of “The Self-Care Ritual That Every Therapist Swears by.”

Man dealing with stress and anxiety and depression

Learning How to Confront Someone When You Are a People Pleaser

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“The more room you give yourself to express your true thoughts and feelings, the more room there is for your wisdom to emerge.” ~Marianne Williamson

I have always been a people-pleaser, a trait that on the surface seems positive. Like many of us, I want people to like me, and I do my best to make them feel loved. But when someone is angry with me or feels I’ve hurt them in some way, no matter how insignificant or fleeting that anger or pain is, it crushes me.

Over the years, I learned to value other people’s happiness and expectations over my own. To be honest, I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I’d been trying to be “likable” for so long. This was especially true at work. If my boss criticized me, I felt I was letting her down, and worked diligently to earn praise.

I became dependent on accolades to feel worthy, but this meant I also plummeted into despair when I didn’t measure up to expectations.
A couple of years ago, I was working at a non-profit with a group of people I truly respected and admired. It was my dream job—I was a publicist for a company that was doing good things in the world, not just trying to make money. I loved this job, and worked hard.

Eventually, I was offered a promotion—a management position, overseeing staff and developing strategy. I was thrilled! This was a tangible acknowledgement of how hard I’d worked, how valuable I’d become.

There were strings attached. The department heads wanted me to continue doing my old job since they didn’t have the budget to hire another person.

I was flattered that my bosses wanted to give me more responsibilities (proving my worth). But I also knew the organization was taking advantage of me by not hiring someone to help, and this was difficult for me to accept and address directly. If they really liked and respected me, how could they think this was a fair offer? I was asked to do two jobs for the price of one.

It gutted me. After all my hard work, I knew I deserved more.
But these are good people, I reminded myself. Surely there’s something I’m overlooking. Am I unworthy of more?

I felt my self-esteem plummet.

It took a few days for me to realize I had to stand up for myself. Nobody else was going to do it. My bosses, who I’d come to see as friends, were taking advantage of me and my people-pleasing approach.

To make things worse, this job was my livelihood. I didn’t know how quickly I could get another job, so it was frightening to think about confronting them. How would it end? Would they fire me if I turned them down? How could I support myself?

I was terrified, but I knew I had to say something. Even if I struggled to find another job, I knew this was a test of my self-esteem. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d just gone along with their plans, pretending it was okay. I had to rise to the occasion no matter how uncomfortable I felt.

I was trembling as I met with my supervisors, the four of us sitting around a table in a sterile conference room. I thought these familiar faces were my advocates, but now I saw that I had to advocate for myself.

I talked about my responsibilities, how hard I’d worked, how much I loved the organization and the people. I asked that they hire another person and offer me a decent raise, or I wouldn’t accept the new position. “I suggest you reconsider,” one of them said. “It’s a great opportunity for you.” I was shocked. An opportunity? “I need more help if you want me to stay,” I insisted. “We’re offering you a great career move. Are you saying you don’t want a promotion?” I felt numb. They were trying to wear me down, to make me feel like this was a positive. But I knew better. I didn’t want to work two jobs when the hours were long enough, and they refused to negotiate.

When I realized I’d have to accept their terms or quit, the fear kicked into high gear. Would I be able to get another job in this economy? How would I support myself? It was my ego shouting, trying to take control and remind me that I needed this job, and this paycheck. But my gut knew better. I didn’t “need” to stay, and a paycheck wasn’t worth my sense of self. I knew that it might take a while, but I could find another job.

When our meeting ended, I walked back to my desk and typed up my resignation. Nobody stopped me or tried to convince me to stay when I announced my departure.

Strangely, I was relieved. By deciding to confront the situation and my supervisors directly, I’d let go of my burning desire to live up to their unreasonable expectations. Instead, I saw myself and the situation more clearly.

If they weren’t willing to see my value, I had to honor it myself, even if it meant confronting people I liked and admired. I learned that confrontation, though still difficult for me to do, was just as healthy as being kind.

Soon after I quit, I was able to find work. In fact, leaving that job opened up opportunities I wasn’t aware of, because I hadn’t been looking. I now have a steady stream of freelance assignments, as well as more time to dedicate to other passions of mine, like traveling, hiking, and writing a novel.

Here’s what I’ve learned about dealing with conflict:

Asserting myself is a healthy practice.

We all deserve an equal playing field. When I speak up for myself, it means I’m honoring my needs, too. When I’m going to extremes trying to please others, I get resentful, whether I realize it in the moment or not. Over time, this resentment interferes with my relationships. When I create healthy boundaries with someone in my life, I’m doing both of us a favor.

It might be uncomfortable in the moment.

Confronting someone is never easy, especially a friend, family member, or someone in a position of power over you (like a boss). It might make me squirm and feel terrible in the moment, but in the long run, I have felt such relief. I’ve taken the silent burden off of me, so I can feel more peaceful. The positives outweigh the negatives.

I must look past my fear.

When we face big risks in life like potential unemployment or the end of a relationship, fear kicks into high gear. When fear overwhelms me, I like to step back and look at the situation from an outsider’s perspective.
If a good friend told me she was going through the same experience, what would I say? No doubt I’d support her in advocating for herself, so I should take my own advice. No matter the result, it’s worth the risk to honor ourselves.

It is impossible to please everyone anyway.

This is a hard lesson for me. I have a deep desire for people to understand who I am; that what I do and say comes from a good place. However, this isn’t realistic. There are always going to be people who don’t like me, who misunderstand me. It is not my job to make them feel differently about me; that is completely up to them. What I can do is treat people with respect and kindness, and let go of the outcome.

Confrontation isn’t about hurting someone else; it’s about standing in my power.

The ability to confront ultimately comes down to an issue of self-esteem. Because I was trying to gain acceptance and love, I was at the mercy of external circumstances to feel worthy. Now I see that I have to accept my own worthiness no matter what.

We are all worthy. We are all lovable. And we are all responsible for creating boundaries to honor our worth. This I know is true.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, couples counseling, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article by:  Kelly Seal

Can the “777” Rule Improve Your Relationship?

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You may have heard people touting the “777 rule” as a way to strengthen your relationship with your significant other. And it’s got nothing to do with getting lucky on a particular Boeing model of airplane. Instead, each of the three sevens corresponds to the frequency at which you should be doing three different things that can help your relationship fly. Basically, the 777 rule indicates that:

  • Every seven days, you should go on a date: This should be with your significant other and not someone else. Clearly, telling your significant other, “It’s Friday, so I have my weekly date with that hot coworker” ain’t going to land well.

  • Every seven weeks, you and your significant other should spend a night away together: A night away doesn’t mean in your basement or at your in-laws. Instead, it should be away from home, like at a hotel or resort, away from others, and include an overnight stay. That’s because more things, lucky things, can happen when you are together overnight somewhere.
  • Every seven months, the two of you should take a romantic vacation or getaway. This should be longer than just a night away and a way to get away from it all.The general principle behind the 777 rule makes sense: It’s important for the two of you to spend quality time together away from everyone else. Such time allows the two of you to connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically. You can get a much better sense of how each of you is doing and what you think of each other and the relationship. Spending this time and making this effort also allows you to make key changes and course correct before things really fall off the rails.

The general principle behind the 777 rule makes sense: It’s important for the two of you to spend quality time together away from everyone else. Such time allows the two of you to connect intellectually, emotionally, and physically. You can get a much better sense of how each of you is doing and what you think of each other and the relationship. Spending this time and making this effort also allows you to make key changes and course correct before things really fall off the rails.

Too often couples drift apart when these things don’t happen. It’s easy to get caught up in the minutia of life, such as “Look, my picture of me and a pizza got 100 likes” and “Oh, the kids covered themselves with gravy again,” and neglect building and maintaining the emotional bond between the two of you. Resentment can fester when you don’t discuss and resolve issues. The 777 rule is a way of building in time to connect and remind each other why you are together in the first place.

However, don’t expect the 777 rule by itself to be a magical solution. This rule made news after actor Andrew Buchan allegedly cheated on his wife, actress Amy Nuttall. Nuttall reportedly told Buchan that he had to cheat on her to stay with her. Now, of course, only Nuttall and Buchan knew the details and dynamics of their relationship and what else they may have been doing to try to repair it. But when cheating has already occurred in your relationship, the 777 rule alone ain’t going to be like avocado: Putting it on top isn’t going to magically make everything better.

Also, don’t get too caught up in the letter of the rule, or even the number of the rule. It doesn’t have to be exactly seven days, seven weeks, and seven months. The number seven is a bit arbitrary. You don’t need to say, “Honey, we can’t go on a date Friday, because we just went on one Wednesday. The next one has to come next Wednesday.” That could lead you to spend the next seven hours sleeping on the couch. Naturally, it’s best to adjust the timing of such things to fit the two of you and your circumstances. Maybe your relationship needs these together times to be more frequent, such as a 555 rule.

Some may argue that such rules take the spontaneity and romance out of things by making it feel like you are simply fulfilling a requirement. The argument is that spending more time alone with your significant other should come naturally. If you are already spending such time with your significant other, then maybe you can deep-six the 777 rule. But for many, other aspects of life can get far too hectic and the distractions can mount. This can make it easy to lose sight of the big picture and forget that it’s been way too long since you and your one-and-only have been functioning as two together. This is where numbers and some counting can help make sure that your focus is more on what really counts.

Connect with one of our Marriage Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A. of Psychology Today

Invest In Yourself For Relationship Growth

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If you can’t keep it together, your relationship can’t either.

Sometimes, the right thing to do when your relationship feels off track is to check in on yourself.

Dr. John Gottman, who has revolutionized the study of marriage, recommends that you take some time to be “selfish.” If that word feels funny to you, think of it as investing in you. Our research found that taking care of yourself helps your relationship grow stronger. Both you and your partner will benefit from a release of tension. Here are a few ideas you can start with:

Filled with nervous energy or frustration? Take some time to engage in physical activity and work it off. If it helps to diminish stress, bring your favorite music along. The relief you gain from spending time moving your body may lessen your likelihood to snap at your partner.

Does reading soothe you? Head to the library and check out a new book. Many local libraries have ebooks that you can read on any device. Let yourself fall into the world of fiction or if you prefer to fill your head with a new subject matter.

Miss your friends? Make a connection. Whether it’s over a video chat platform or you skip over to your favorite coffee shop, be intentional about reaching out to your friends. Taking the time to reconnect with those who feel like your home away from home will leave you all feeling rejuvenated.

In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.

The Dalai Lama

Take a moment to contemplate what activities help you feel refreshed. It may be different depending on the day. Some mornings you’ll need quiet and a cup of coffee while others you need 30 minutes on your yoga mat. Whatever it is, commit to carving out time every day to do a “selfish” activity that helps you feel like you again. You’ll find yourself in a better headspace and ready to invest in your partner and your relationship.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about investing in yourself for relationship growth or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, online therapy, eating disorders, trauma, OCD therapy, therapy for college students, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article By: The Gottman Institute

Woman in Milwaukee, WI practicing self-care to improve her mental health and well being

Self-Care In The New Year

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Did you know that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February? Do you have plans for this new year? Are you wondering if they will stick? Let’s explore dynamic and practical strategies to maintain mental and physical wellness throughout the year, not just in the fleeting glow of New Year’s resolution season. Read on, and together, let’s redefine what caring for ourselves in the new year means.

Caring for yourself goes beyond the occasional bubble bath or massage (although those are great!). It’s about setting goals, establishing boundaries, and creating a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. It’s about living authentically and intentionally. So, let’s dive into some practical strategies for nurturing your mind, body, and spirit in the new year.

1. Set Goals With Intention

Setting goals is essential to stepping into the new year with purpose. But it’s not just about what you want to achieve—it’s also about why. What values are driving these goals? How do these goals align with your true self? Setting intentional goals creates a roadmap that leads us closer to our authentic selves.

For instance, your goal is to embrace a healthier lifestyle in the new year. The “what” in this scenario might be “I want to exercise more and eat healthier.” However, the “why” is vitally important because you value your health and want to feel more energetic and focused daily. Having a clear “why” helps ensure your goals align with your values and makes them more compelling and motivational. Remember, your goals should reflect who you want to become, not just what you want to do.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care. They allow us to honor our needs and make space for our well-being. In the coming year, reflect on areas where you may need to establish or strengthen boundaries. This could be learning to say “no” more often, scheduling regular “me time,” or communicating your needs more clearly in relationships.

Consider the case of workplace boundaries. It’s common to feel obligated to be available around the clock in today’s digital age. However, this can lead to burnout and negatively impact your health and well-being. An example of a healthy boundary in this context is setting specific “work hours” and allowing yourself to truly disconnect outside these hours. This means no responding to work emails or answering work calls during your time. Establishing this boundary ensures you have the time and space to relax, recharge, and engage in activities you enjoy outside of work.

3. Cultivate Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, a powerful antidote to the modern world’s constant rush and distraction. For example, start a daily meditation practice where you spend 10 minutes each morning quietly focusing on your breath. Or, you could try mindful eating, where you entirely focus on your food’s taste, texture, and smell, rather than eating mindlessly in front of the TV. Cultivating mindfulness can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity, making it an essential wellness practice for the new year.

4. Nourish Your Body

Your body is the vessel that carries you through life—so treat it with love. This means eating nourishing foods, staying hydrated, exercising regularly, and ensuring enough sleep. Remember, small, consistent actions are more impactful than drastic, short-lived changes.

Nourishing your body involves a holistic approach to wellness, balancing physical activities with mindful eating. For instance, you might begin your day with a nourishing breakfast comprising whole grain cereal, fruits, and a protein source like eggs or yogurt. This kick-starts your metabolism and provides energy for the day. Pair this with a routine of regular exercise. This could be as simple as a brisk 30-minute walk, a yoga session, or a more intense activity like running or weight training. Remember, the goal isn’t to strive for perfection but to make small, consistent changes that promote overall health and well-being.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, remember to be kind to yourself. You will have days when you falter, and that’s OK. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the kindness and understanding we would offer a friend. It’s acknowledging that we’re all human, and it’s OK to be a work in progress.

Consider this example of self-compassion. Perhaps you missed a workout session one day because you were overloaded at work. Rather than berating yourself for not sticking to your fitness routine, understand that you had a demanding day and that it’s OK to take breaks when needed. Remind yourself that one missed workout doesn’t negate all your previous efforts. Instead of dwelling on what you didn’t do, focus on what you can do next. Maybe plan a calming yoga routine the next day or prioritize getting a good night’s sleep. This way, you treat yourself with kindness and understanding, exactly as you would treat a friend in the same situation.

Stepping into the new year is exciting—a fresh start brimming with possibilities. But remember, any lasting change begins with taking care of yourself. As you move through 2024, keep these strategies in mind. Nurture your mind, body, and spirit, and create a life that aligns with your true self. Here’s to a year filled with resilience, grace, and self-love. Happy New Year!

Want to learn about creating a self-care plan for 2024?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com, or fill out our contact form.
Child practicing intuitive eating

Raising An Intuitive Eater

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There’s been a lot of talk about intuitive eating lately, which got us thinking: If we can learn to eat intuitively, when did we learn not to?

No matter how you diverged from your natural eating style, it’s possible to get it back—and support your children in maintaining theirs, say Sumner Brooks, MPH, RDN and Amee Severson, MPP-D, RDN, authors of How To Raise An Intuitive Eater. “We don’t need to teach intuitive eating; children naturally do this. We need to support them in their natural eating behaviors,” Brooks says.

Understanding Intuitive Eating—for Your Kids and for Yourself

There’s often a misunderstanding of what it means to eat intuitively. Many people think that intuitive eating is all about cravings and appetite—just eat what you want when you want. But that approach doesn’t consider the whole picture. A more complete definition is complex. The definition of intuitive eating that we use is from Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole (pioneers of intuitive eating), which encompasses the complexity of the human eating experience and our relationship to food: instinct, thought, and emotion.

Our instincts, which are controlled by our reptilian brain and help us survive, compel us to seek food when we’re hungry. Instincts are the reason restrictive diets don’t work long-term. If you are in a calorie deficit for an extended period, your body goes into survival mode, so you constantly think about food and you are determined to seek it out in order to survive.

We’re human, though, so we can also think and use our logic and reasoning to make our eating decisions. We can ask questions like: What am I doing today? How much energy do I need to do what I need to get done? What can I eat that will help me feel good throughout the day? Logic is a great benefit that helps us eat in a way that fuels us and keeps us feeling as good as we can.

Our unique instincts, thoughts, and emotions make up our personal intuitive eating experience.

What Disrupting the Intuitive Process Looks Like

Parents mean well, but sometimes, without even realizing it, they say things that can deter a child’s intuitive eating process. Some examples are asking, “Are you sure you’re hungry?” or “Are you just thirsty or bored?” before your kid eats something. Or it can sound like, “You don’t really need that.”

These little questions and comments can accumulate and eventually instill distrust in your child’s ability to follow their own instincts. Then they begin to question themselves: Maybe I am just thirsty or bored; maybe I don’t need this, even though it sounds really good right now.

Another thing that we often see is parents comparing eating styles with another child’s or labeling children as “good eaters” and “bad eaters.” This adds to the constant attention and judgment our society has concerning eating and food preferences. It can be overbearing for a child—they know when their parents care a lot about what they’re eating or when there’s not a certain type of food in the house—they notice and feel it all.

Ways Parents Can Help Their Child Eat Intuitively

It’s important to know that we don’t need to teach intuitive eating; children naturally do this. We need to support them in their natural eating behaviors and they will learn to self-correct, if needed. You can compare it to when a child is learning to walk. We don’t try to keep them from falling. To become competent walkers, they must explore, wobble around, and fall and get back up again. But we don’t let them learn to walk in a parking lot or on the street. We keep them surrounded by safe boundaries that allow them to find their way. There’s a balance of exploration and boundaries when it comes to raising an intuitive eater, too.

Tuning in to yourself and your child is essential. It’s ultimately about making mealtime a positive experience that leaves them feeling good and satisfied. Here are some things that can help:

Have a flexible and reliable feeding routine. This helps provide some structure but also a safe space for them to learn how to listen to their body, feed themselves regularly, get enough to feel satisfied and try new foods. We recommend keeping a pretty loose schedule. For example, plan for the family to eat a snack around this time each day and meals around these other times each day but with enough flexibility that allows for the natural flows of life—unexpected schedule changes, changes in timing of hunger, etc.

Have desirable food options. A child should know that at every single meal and snack, there will be enough food for them and there will be enough food that they want provided for them. For example, you can provide your child with a pound of Brussels sprouts in one meal—that would be more than enough food in terms of volume—but if your child refuses to eat Brussels sprouts, then that really is not enough food for them.

There should be something they want to eat with each meal. We don’t need to force them to eat things they don’t want. If you know they like strawberries, then make sure strawberries are on the table, rather than pressuring them to eat bananas if they are averse to them.

Offer a combination of familiar and new foods. This doesn’t mean every single meal has to include a new vegetable and a new fruit, but generally doing this over the course of a week or a month, whatever is best for your family, is great. Repeating staples and family favorites works, too.

Stop pressuring them to eat. Just stop. If you need to bite your tongue to stop yourself from making a comment, we suggest doing so. We’re (kind of) joking, but we use that example because it’s that crucial. If you feel the urge to say something about their food or eating, pause and notice the discomfort inside yourself. Let it dissipate and allow your child to make the decision—they are more than capable of doing so. Ultimately, we don’t want our children to develop disordered eating patterns.

Talk about anything else other than what they’re eating during mealtimes. Let the food be there. If you find yourself wanting to talk about food, you can shift the conversation and instead ask them how they are doing or feeling. It distracts from the food and helps you connect with your child. It’s okay to express enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction about what you are eating, of course, but the goal is to place more attention on your child than on the meal.

Model intuitive eating. Parents are often unaware of how our systems and culture influence our eating preferences and patterns, and we unconsciously pass these ideals, behaviors and anxiety on to our children. When parents relearn and model intuitive eating, it can make a tremendous difference, since our children are very attuned to our actions.

For some parents, this may mean eliminating diets or restrictive eating or doing deep inner-child psychological work (many of our eating patterns are ingrained from a young age). It could also mean making conscious decisions to release control of your child’s eating, trust that your child can self-regulate, and give them the freedom to experiment and learn.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our Milwaukee Intuitive Eating Therapists. →

 

Article By Sumner Brooks, MPH, RDN, and Amee Severson, MPP-D, RDN, as told to Goop

 

Person holding the U.S. flag

Should We Make 4th of July Resolutions?

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The 4th of July is a beloved holiday, but most of us spend more time planning our celebrations than thinking about what we are commemorating. The birth of the United States was a world-changing event, but it was also a complicated, messy project accomplished by real people who were struggling, with varied success, to solve complex problems.

Because of the ways our brains have evolved, they were wired, just as we are, to protect themselves and the things they cared about, and try to change circumstances they found unfavorable. However, they were also influenced by the social values of their time, some of which we no longer agree with, and others we are still grappling with. By looking at their success, and their failures, we can gain insight into coping with the challenges we face some 250 years later.

While it is a fictional account of the founding of this country, the musical “Hamilton,” written by Lin-Manuel Miranda and based on Ron Chernow’s biography of Alexander Hamilton, allows us to look back at the founding of this country through a modern lens. The most striking feature of the production is that the cast members represent a variety of racial backgrounds. Since the founding fathers were white males who were unable to abolish slavery when establishing the country, this casting choice is particularly thought-provoking and encourages us to think about the way our past is shaping our future.

Much of the show focuses on the personal struggles of men like Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington. Although they loom large in our imagination, their struggles weren’t that different from ours.

Balancing the desire to live a comfortable life, to make a difference in the world, and to build caring connected families is never easy, especially when insecurity, greed, hubris, and jealousy enter the mix. While we would like to assume that they knew exactly what they were doing when they formed this country, the truth is that you can never be sure of how things will turn out when you are living through them.

When newscasters today announce that the country has become more polarized than ever before, it is worth noting that we became a nation because of a civil war, which divided families and communities and resulted in significant suffering, trauma, and death. When things look dire, it is worth drawing perspective from the past. The revolutionaries didn’t know if they would succeed but they were willing to keep trying to reach their goals.

The musical also highlights the fact that many of the things that happened during the founding of this country were the result of compromises, backroom deals, and shifting alliances. If you have ever wondered why our nation’s capital was built from scratch, in a southern state instead of operating out of an existing city like Philadelphia or New York, it is worth turning to a history book.

One major difference though, between that era and ours, is the changing media landscape. While the revolutionaries made ample use of printing presses to create newspapers and fliers, they didn’t have to contend with a 24/7 news juggernaut that captured and replayed their every action every hour on the hour, to a worldwide audience. Under this relentless gaze, it is harder for people to hide their personal foibles, or to compromise with their opponents.

In addition, there are so many media sources available that it is increasingly difficult to tell fact from fiction. This puts the onus on us as consumers to research and evaluate the veracity of the news we hear, and to stop supporting content producers who don’t hold themselves to the standards of reputable journalism.

It is also easy to assume that the Founding Fathers worked as a team to implement shared goals. The truth is that some of them couldn’t stand each other, their alliances changed over time, and some of their failures have had lasting consequences. Their failure to abolish slavery created a legacy of conflict and inequity we still haven’t resolved.

But recognizing that they were not romantic heroes should remind us that even regular people can be a force for change. You don’t have to be a gifted orator or writer to volunteer to teach children to read at your local school, participate in local politics, or work to support causes you care about. You just have to get involved. Great leaders like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King can emerge just when we need them, but we all have the potential to make a difference in our own corner of the world.

We would like to make a 4th of July declaration. Since we are already used to making resolutions about the things we want to do to improve our own lives on News Year’s Eve, perhaps we could make more civic-minded resolutions on Independence Day. None of us can change the world alone, but there is power in numbers. Even small efforts from picking up litter in public places, to registering people to vote, to volunteering to use our skills or resources to help others, can add up.

We argue that the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) of this country deserve our thanks. But we also have an obligation to make things better for the future. If each of us resolved to do just one thing to make that happen, it could make Independence Day even more meaningful. In the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton, let’s all “rise up” to make a difference.

Looking for more guidance, contact us to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation! →
Article By: Devon Frye of Psychology Today
Happy woman with great mental health

31 Ways to Beat The Blues

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A happiness tip-a-day keeps the blues away…

Happiness expert Andy Cope, author of The Little Book of Emotional Intelligence offers 31 brilliant tips to keep us thinking positively as 2023 begins…

  1. Mondays are bad and Fridays good. Really? The average life span is 4000 weeks and a seventh of your life is spent on Mondays. Flip your thinking. Friday is, in fact, another week closer to death, while Monday is an opportunity to make a dent in the universe. Mondays…. bring ‘em on!
  1. Upgrade your knickers so every bit of underwear oozes confidence. Stop saving your special pants for a special occasion and wake up to the fact that life is the ultimate special occasion.
  1. Be a hugger. The average hug lasts 2.1 seconds but for the love to transfer a hug needs to last 7 seconds or longer (but warned, counting out loud spoils the effect).
  1. Be a lover not a hater. It’s so easy to be negative, and join in the barrage of hate on social media. Go with Michelle Obama; ‘when they go low, you go high’
  1. Do an act of kindness for someone else. This can be as simple as letting someone out in the traffic or buying flowers for the bus driver.
  1. If you have small children practice what Gretchen Rubin calls ‘gazing lovingly’. This means downing tools at the end of the evening and standing at your children’s bedroom door, watching them sleep (the modern world dictates that you only ever do this with your own kids and there is an age limit of 10. After that, the general rule is that you NEVER go in your kids’ bedrooms, just in case!)
  1. Practice the 10/5 principle; smile at everyone who comes within 10 feet of you and make eye contact & say ‘hi’ to everyone within 5 feet.
  1. Say nice things about people behind their back. This is a double-whammy because it gets back to them plus people think you’re a lovely person (which, of course, you are).
  1. Write a list of 10 things you really appreciate but take for granted. ‘Health’ and ‘relationships’ will almost certainly be on there. Stop taking them for granted!
  1. Every morning, appreciate that you don’t have toothache and that your kidneys are working. Being able to get out of bed is the best thing ever (linked to point 9).
  1. Write a list of the top 10 happiest moments of your life and you’ll realize that most of the things on the list are ‘experiences’ rather than ‘products’. Set a goal to have more experiences.
  1. Think of someone who has really helped you (given you time or supported you). Write them a letter, from the heart, that says how wonderful they are and what they mean to you. Read it to them.
  1. Instead of asking your partner/kids ‘how was your day?’ change the words and ask (with enthusiasm), ‘what was the highlight of your day?’ Then listen with genuine enthusiasm.
  1. Walk tall and put a smile on your face (not an inane grin, you will scare people!) Your brain will immediately think you are happy and you’ll feel a whole lot better.
  1. Change your aim. Stop setting your sights on ‘getting through the week’ or ‘surviving until my next holiday’. Raise your game. Set your aim to ‘enjoy the week’ or ‘to inspire people.’
  1. Write down your top 5 personal strengths. Be aware of them and start seeing opportunities to play to them more often.
  1. Reduce your moaning and always remind yourself it’s a 1st world problem.
  1. Watch out for the 90/10 principle. This states that 10% of your happiness depends on things that happen to you while a whopping 90% depends on how you react to these events. Make a conscious choice to be positive.
  1. When setbacks occur, ask yourself, where is this issue on a scale of 1 – 10 (where 10 is death). If it is death, you are allowed to feel down. Anything else, get over it.
  1. Most people have an internal voice that is very critical. Challenge it. When your inner voice is telling you you’re an idiot, firmly disagree. Find a positive inner voice (note, this conflict is best done in silence in your head. And if you have lots of inner voices, you need to see your GP).
  1. Spend less time on electronic friends and more time with real flesh and blood ones.
  1. Praise your children for effort rather than ability. For example, if they get a good grade in Math, don’t say ‘Genius, you are the next Einstein.’ Do say, ‘Brilliant! That shows what you can achieve with hard work.’
  1. Practice the 4-minute rule; that is, be your best self for the first 4 minutes of arriving at work, being in a meeting, getting home, etc. Your brilliance is infectious.
  1. Lose the word ‘try’. Instead of setting a resolution of ‘I’m going to try and lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to try and get a bit fitter,’ go with ‘I’m going to lose some weight’ or ‘I’m going to get fitter.’ Yoda was spot on when he said, ‘Do or do not, there is no ‘try.’
  1. Appreciate that your happiness is bigger than you. It has a ripple effect and infects people 3 degrees removed from you.
  1. Read a bedtime story to your kids like it was the most exciting book in the world (note, it is doubly important for sons to see their dads reading books).
  1. Reframe situations. For example, a leaking gutter means you have a house; paying tax means you have some income; your teenage son spending hours on his X-Box means he’s not wandering the streets, etc. However, don’t overdo reframing otherwise you become Pollyanna; ‘Whoopee, grandma’s dead, what a fabulous opportunity for a funeral and some lovely sandwiches.’
  1. Rather than a New Year’s resolution, set yourself a HUGG (huge unbelievably great goal); this is something that is massive and that inspires you (to write your novel, to run a marathon, to be the best Mom in the world, etc).
  1. Ask yourself, if there was a version of you sitting on a cloud, watching you go about your tasks today, what advice would the ‘cloud you’ give the ‘earthly you’? How would they say you should walk, talk, think and behave? Take that advice.
  1. Be genuinely interested in other people (ask loads of questions about them). In a bizarre twist of quantum psychology, people will find you insanely interesting.
  1. Make sure that you use more positive than negative language. The ratio needs to be about 5 positives for every negative, so catch people doing things well and tell them.

 

 

Want to learn more about finding happiness? Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.

Christmas tree

How To Cope With Grief During the Holidays

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The swell of grief around the holidays is a common reason clients enter our therapy office this time of year. People often seek help for the immense sorrow that starts surfacing right around Thanksgiving.

When you’re grieving, there may be times when you want to participate in the excitement and joy but simultaneously don’t want to participate at all or feel guilty for celebrating.

Grief is complicated and unique for everyone. While accepting loss becomes easier over time, it is often something we carry with us forever.

If you’re wondering how to get through the holidays this year without your loved one, these strategies can help:

1. Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

Time doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain—rather than constantly trying to escape it—can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

You certainly don’t have to force yourself to face every holiday event or celebratory tradition, however. If attending a tree lighting ceremony or participating in the office gift swap is likely to bring about too many painful memories this year, be willing to say no. Other people may try to convince you to participate, but you certainly don’t have to try to please everyone.

3. Focus on What You Can Control

There are a lot of things you can’t control about the holidays. You may be subjected to Christmas music in the waiting room of your doctor’s office or you may overhear your co-workers constantly talking about their holiday plans. While you can’t prevent those things from happening, there are some things you can control.

Think about what you can do to lessen the heartache when you can. It’s OK to limit your decorations or shop for presents online only. Pick a few things you can do to assert some control over the holiday cheer, and keep in mind that life goes on for other people and it’s OK that they’re happy to celebrate this year.

4. Plan Ahead

Often, the anticipation over how hard something is going to be is worse than the actual event. So while Thanksgiving dinner may only last two hours, you could easily spend three weeks dreading it. Create a simple plan for how you’ll get through the holidays to avoid extending your anguish.

Often, it’s helpful to create an escape plan. Drive yourself to holiday functions or ride with a trusted friend who will take you home whenever you want. Just knowing you can easily leave at any time can help you enjoy the activity much more than you would if you felt stuck.

5. Allow Yourself to Feel a Range of Emotions

The holidays can bring about a wide range of emotions. You might feel joy, guilt, and sadness all within a few minutes. Allow yourself to feel those emotions without judging yourself or thinking you should be happy or you shouldn’t be laughing.

6. Find a Way to Honor Your Memories

Create a special way to memorialize the person you’ve lost. Whether you decide to light a candle every night or eat your loved one’s favorite food, honoring your loved one can serve as a tangible reminder that although your loved one is gone, the love never dies.

7. Create New Traditions

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions this year too. It’s OK to get creative and do something a little out of the ordinary. You can also alter old traditions and make them fit better with the new phase in your life.

8. Do Something Kind for Others

Even when you’re in the midst of grief, you still have something to offer the world. Performing a few acts of kindness can be really good for a grieving person’s spirit. Donate gifts to families in need, serve meals at a soup kitchen, or volunteer to help people at a nursing home make holiday crafts if you’re up for it.

9. Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re struggling with the holidays. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you also may want to reach out for more support. Look for support groups or contact a professional counselor to help you deal with your grief in a healthy manner.

 

Want to learn about coping with grief during the holidays?  Contact us to schedule a FREE initial consultation with one of our experts, info@hillarycouneling.com.