Check out our article in Milwaukee Magazine this month. Lisa Hillary, psychotherapist and owner of Hillary Counseling, was named a “Woman of Distinction” in Milwaukee. Click on the link below to read full article.
“The most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves is to remain ignorant by not having the courage to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~Pema Chödrön
All my life I’ve chased after success, as I was encouraged to do from a very young age.
When I was six, my father got me my first proper study desk as a gift for getting into a ‘good’ school. The type of desk that towered over a little six-year-old—complete with bookshelves and an in-built fluorescent light. In the middle of the shelf frame stuck a white sticky label inscribed with my father’s own handwriting in two languages. It read: “Work hard for better progress.”
Little did I know those words would set the tone for me and my work ethic for the next twenty years—until I finally began to question them.
Hard work became my ‘safe space’ whenever I felt insecure. When I struggled to make friends at a new school, felt rejected, or felt like I didn’t belong, I would put my head down and drown out my emotions out by working hard. It became my coping strategy.
My younger self didn’t yet have the emotional resources to deal with moving around, changing schools, and facing social rejection. When it became too painful, it was much easier to stay in my head than to feel vulnerable with my heart.
So, whenever I struggled to fit in at school, I just worked harder with the misguided belief that if I did well, then I would be celebrated. If I became impressive, then people would finally accept and like me.
And of course, my parents encouraged this behavior. I was rewarded for my hard work and I got good results for it too.
But outside of my home, nobody seemed to care about my results. I still wasn’t fitting in at school. I still didn’t have many friends. My strategy didn’t seem to be working.
So I worked even harder.
By the time I graduated from University, I had completely bought into society’s definition of being ‘impressive’ without even questioning it once. If it was a prize everyone wanted, I wanted it too.
My definition of being ‘impressive’ expanded to include looking good, dressing well, staying fit, and making good money in a highly-competitive field, even if I had zero passion for that profession.
By then, I’d long forgotten the reasons why I wanted to work hard to be impressive in the first place, other than “That’s just who I am.”
I was drifting further and further away from my true self, and I didn’t even know it.
For the next ten years, I spent a lot of my waking hours working as a financial analyst, studying for more degrees and certification, and chasing after the next shiny thing so I could sound even more impressive to others. Plus, I was making a decent income while doing so. Tick.
While on the surface I ticked a lot of those “impressive” boxes I had set out for myself, on the inside I felt emptier than ever. On the outside I looked successful, but on the inside, I felt like a complete failure.
What Happens When Your True Self Calls You to Come Back
Cracks started to emerge both in my work and in myself. It became challenging to fully show up for work as I increasingly asked myself: “What am I doing here?”
A soft inner voice whispered, “It’s time to get out of here, you’re not meant to be in finance. What are you doing here?” So I began questioning what I was doing with my life. I mean, if not that, what was I meant to do? I’d invested so much of my time and energy into my profession; I couldn’t just change directions. And who was this voice anyway? Where was it coming from?
My fake enthusiasm became harder and harder to keep up. This sinking feeling became more visceral by the day, and the feeling of not belonging in my workplace became increasingly obvious.
Yet I swallowed those feelings down with gritted teeth and kept pushing. Because what else was I meant to do if not keep persisting?
When I suddenly got fired it was an abrupt wakeup call. I needed to challenge everything I believed in and confront those big questions I’d put off answering for so long: “Who am I really?” and “What am I really about?”
What I Learned Through My Four-Year Journey of Self-Discovery
I spent the next couple of years immersing myself in a whole range of subjects that covered different angles on self-knowledge, in an attempt to answer the question “Who am I?”
For most of my seeking, I was still trying to find answers as if they resided outside of me. I was still trying to find where I belonged professionally.
But what started as a business journey quickly morphed into an inner-transformational journey that became deeply personal.
This deep inner work allowed me to reconnect to my internal guidance system and my true self once more.
Through this process I was able to take a good look at myself, confront my shadow side, heal my wounds of rejection, and forgive everyone involved, including myself.
As I’ve come home to my true self, I’ve realized a few things about the cost of chasing impressiveness:
When we chase after something external, we lose self-connection.
When I heard that soft, loving voice inside my head, it was a small glimpse of spiritual awakening. It was a momentary connection to my inner mentor’s light that seeped through my deep dark fog of disconnection.
We all have our own inner mentor, but we have choose to listen to it instead of trying to be who we think we’re supposed to be.
When we trust others more than we trust ourselves, we can end up giving our personal power away.
If we believe that the answers we seek lie outside of ourselves, we can forget to check in to see what’s true for us each individually. The more weight we put on other people’s opinions, the less we trust our own inner knowing.
People can only speak to what they know based on their own perspective, background, and life experiences. When we allow other people’s opinions to overpower the choices our true selves would otherwise make, we end up giving away our personal power.
I’ve found that it doesn’t matter how many well-meaning opinions we get; we need to find what resonates with us the most by checking in with our inner authority—which means going against what we learned growing up, when we were trained to ignore our inner voice and do what we were told.
The pursuit of ‘impressiveness’ is a hunger that can never be satisfied.
When we keep chasing after ‘impressiveness,’ we are in fact on a hedonic treadmill of always wanting more. As soon as we achieve one thing, we fixate on the next. We keep wanting bigger, better, and more.
As soon as we attain or do something, suddenly what we have isn’t good enough anymore, and so we must now keep up. We fall into the comparison trap. The external goalpost keeps moving. We keep looking over our shoulders to see how we’re tracking against everyone, and it becomes a tireless pursuit of keeping up with the Joneses with no real end in sight.
Every ‘win’ is temporary.
We mistakenly see ‘impressiveness’ as proof that we’re worthy of love.
When we chase after ‘impressiveness’ we’re really chasing after validation, approval, and a sense of belonging. We think, “If I can be impressive then I can be accepted.” We want others to look up to us, praise us, and ultimately, love us.
However, the pursuit gets dangerous when we buy into the false belief that we have to work hard in order to prove we are worthy of love; that we need to become ‘impressive’ through our accomplishments and produce tangible proof of our worthiness.
I’ve noticed that a lot of high achievers, like myself, have bought into this belief, possibly due to the achievement-oriented upbringing we were exposed to from a very young age.
The danger is that it can become an acquisition addiction, and an arms race to get more degrees, more cars, more houses, more shoes, more toys, and so on.
We can become addicted to buying ‘cool’ things to impress other people, or work ourselves to the bone just to get those long lists of accolades instead of recognizing that we are inherently worthy of love. Regardless of what we have or have achieved.
We risk losing our individuality.
When we chase after external validation and approval, we compromise who we really are in exchange for more respect, more likes, more kudos from our peers. We showcase a more curated, ‘acceptable’ version of ourselves to the world, and we hide other parts of ourselves that we think might be rejected by others. Even worse, we end up chasing after things we don’t even really want.
Some of us inherit strong beliefs about what ‘success’ means and some of us strive toward pre-approved categories of impressiveness as defined by society, without checking in once to see whether these pathways to ‘success’ fit in with our true selves.
In the end, we lose our individuality—the essence of who we really are.
It requires self-connection to recognize what is true for us versus what is conditioned into us. It requires even more courage to step outside of these pre-approved paths to ‘impressiveness’ and live a life that aligns with our true selves.
How to Reclaim Your Authentic Self
I’ve discovered that breaking free from the illusion of ‘impressiveness’ and reclaiming your true self is really a constant two-step dance between recognition and courage.
To reclaim your authentic self you have to recognize that you have disconnected from who you really are in the first place. Your achievements, your accomplishments, all the cool stuff that you own, and even your toned physique—they’re not who you really are.
2. Courage to be your true self
We have to have courage to stand in our truth and be our authentic selves. Recognition alone is not enough. For many of us, it’s the fear of disapproval that holds us back from stepping out of those curated, pre-approved categories that we have created for ourselves, and fully owning who we are, in all our beautiful, strange glory.
My wish is that this becomes your permission slip to fully step into who you really are and own it. Being your true self requires tremendous courage, but it’s worth it. And having the courage to fully embrace your true individuality in all its quirkiness? That’s impressive.
Article By: Clarabel Sage of Tiny Buddha
“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it’s all that matters.” ~Audrey Hepburn
Happiness and its pursuit fascinate me.
Like most people, I’m curious why on some mornings I wake up and the world is a wonderful place—the sun is shining, happiness oozes out of my heart like warm honey, and the sound of bird song brings a smile to my face. I can only describe this as bliss.
On other mornings, it feels as if all color and wonder in world has drained away. My heart feels heavy in my chest. I’m indifferent to the sound of birds singing outside my window; if anything, it irritates me.
Why? How? What is the difference that makes the difference with happiness? I’d love to have the answers.
All I can do I share my truth. Share how I intend to make 2018 a happy new year.
1. Focus on what makes me feel good
As Tony Robbins says, “Focus creates feeling.”
It’s my choice whether I focus on the good, the bad, or the ugly. The mind, with its negativity bias, will steer me toward the ugly. The worst-case scenario for the future. The memories I wish I could forget.
Identifying with these thoughts, focusing on them, I’ll feel a certain way (crappy).
The great news is, if I steer my thoughts toward the best-case scenario for the future and the memories I hope I’ll never forget, I’ll feel the way I wish to feel.
Matthieu Ricard, the French writer and Buddhist monk, suggests a great practice: for ten minutes each day, connect with thoughts and memories that make us feel good. When I practice this, I take myself to my “happy place” (I think we all have a happy place). Mine is a secluded beach in New Zealand called Ocean Beach.
In my happy place, I imagine it’s 2012 again and I’m back standing on the hot sand, surrounded by my friends as we jump joyfully into the towering waves. I recall the taste of the salty water, the heat of the sun on my back, the sounds of laughter and the great roar of the ocean. Within seconds of reconnecting with my happy place, these warm feelings, much like the waves themselves, begin to flow.
The feelings that were there, all along, inside of me.
I sometimes forget this truth, so to remind myself I’ve written on my wall:
“Will, you are only one thought away from what you wish to feel.”
2. Make the relationship I have with myself my most important relationship
I’ve had conversations with friends before, good people who are real givers; they genuinely care for other people. Yet they neglect themselves. They tell me they feel guilty for making time for themselves; they feel bad for putting themselves first before other people. That it’s somehow selfishto do so.
The way I see it, putting ourselves first is the least selfish thing we can do.
When I take care of my own needs, I’m able to give more to others because I’m in a good mental place.
When I treat myself with kindness and compassion, this is naturally how I treat other people.
When I honor and look after myself, I’m giving others permission to do the same.
When I look after myself, everyone is better off, myself and others.
A ritual I created this year that I’ll be carrying on into 2018 and beyond is to take myself on dates.
Yep, that’s right, once per week I’ll take myself out on a date.
We deem our loved ones worthy and deserving of dates, why not ourselves?
Sometimes, a self-date means treating myself to a long walk in the forest with a piece of cake in one hand and a coffee in the other. Sometimes, I’ll go for lunch at my favorite Japanese restaurant.
The rules for my self-date are simple: I give myself an experience I enjoy, guilt-free.
Most of us are great at meeting the needs of others, loving others, and responding with understanding, compassion, and kindness.
My question is, what will it take for us to show up like this for ourselves?
I know in 2018 there are going to be days where happiness eludes me. I’m going to experience failure, disappointments, loss, stress, anger, and frustration.
All of which will be difficult, but I know this: I can rely on myself to guide myself through them, as I’m committed to prioritizing the relationship I have with myself.
3. Find glimpses of happiness even during tough times
Happiness for me is an inside of job, as my feelings come from inside of me; they’re internal.
When I believe my happiness is determined by the external world, I’m at its mercy.
I may or may not achieve my goals. I maybe will or maybe won’t have health, wealth, and success in 2018.
There are lots of maybes, which are not necessarily in my control.
So, while I may not feel happy all the time, I’ve decided that my overall happiness will not be a maybe.
I’m a firm believer that even in life’s darkest moments, there are, what I call “glimpses of happiness” to be found.
Sadly, this year, my family and I lost a very special lady, my Nana Joyce.
On the day of my Nana’s funeral, I was due to read a poem, but when it came to standing up and reading, however, my emotions and body had other another plan: to break down.
I’d barely read the name of the poem before tears of grief erupted. Uncontrollably.
I stuttered in an attempt to get the words out, but it wasn’t happening.
The realization that my Nana was gone had hit me.
Then something beautiful happened. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone walking toward me.
It was my Uncle Barry.
”Would you like me to read this for you, Wills?”
I groaned something that sounded something like “yes.”
My Uncle Barry proceeded to read the poem, slowly, with a tone of sadness in his voice.
Rather than disappearing to my seat, I stood with him, my hand on his shoulder as I took some deep breaths to calm down.
Despite the strong and shattering grief I experienced, standing there with my uncle, there was a small glimpse of peace, as I knew I wasn’t alone.
Throughout the rest of the day, I noticed more glimpses.
Glimpses of love as my family comforted one another.
Glimpses of laughter as we recalled funny stories from my Nana’s life.
Glimpses of happiness as I acknowledged my family were here on this day as one, supporting each other on this most difficult day.
These glimpses of happiness are always shining, and they work by reflecting back the happiness that already exists inside of us.
They are in the room with me now. They are surrounding you as you read these words.
Acknowledge these glimpses as they appear and you’ll feel happy a lot more often.
Happy New Year.
Article by: Will Aylward of Tiny Buddha
This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post at https://tinybuddha.com.
“Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” ~Rumi
“Isn’t this a miracle?” I asked myself in the milk aisle at Whole Foods.
It was a Wednesday night after work, and I was buying a few staples to get us through the week. It was a completely ordinary moment in a completely ordinary day, and it was miraculous.
Rewind a few years, same Whole Foods, same shopping list, and you’d find me absentmindedly wandering the aisles, lost in a head full of worries. I couldn’t tell you now what I was worried about then—the house, the kids, money, probably.
My body would be tense, with a hint of tears right behind my eyes.
“Isn’t this supposed to be a miracle?” I might have asked if I had the words to describe that feeling.
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be one of those interesting people who did interesting things like paint murals or write books. I wanted to see every continent and learn as many languages as my brain could hold. I wanted to feel excited by my life.
As a child, I had no doubt that this is what growing up would be like.
But, for just as long as I can remember, I also lived under the assumption that I had something to prove. My intelligence, my worth, my place in this world.
Somehow, these two ideas became intertwined.
That part of me that felt so certain that her life would be extraordinary started to have doubts.
Could I really pull it off?
Had I really earned it?
Was I being completely delusional?
Over time, that vision of an extraordinary life felt like a silly childhood dream, and I stopped myself from following it. I worked hard and earned a good reputation, but that excitement, that fulfillmentwas always just out of my reach.
I would let it go saying, it’ll come later, but as I checked off the boxes of life’s to-do list—degree, job, marriage, kids—I wasn’t feeling anything like I thought I would.
The feeling that something was off fueled a restlessness that I mistook for motivation. I poured myself into school and then work, but not necessarily out of excitement. I think a part of me still believed that if you weren’t happy, you just weren’t working hard enough at it.
What confused me about it all was that my life was good. I had a beautiful, growing family, a stable job, and a safe, comfortable house. I mean, I was buying organic milk to pour on my cereal. That’s a privilege.
So, if nothing was “wrong,” why didn’t it feel right?
I’d scold myself for not being more grateful, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t feel the way I wanted.
Then, one ordinary day, while squeezing in another email during my lunch hour, a little thought snapped me out of it.
“You’re missing the point, Leslie.”
Time stopped just long enough for me to notice my racing heart.
Maybe you’ve had these epiphanies, where you’re amazed by your own wisdom and you feel so incredibly clear and awake. Maybe it was during a life-changing event, or maybe, like me, it was during an everyday moment, like buying toothpaste or feeding the cats.
The immediate effect wasn’t anything extreme. There was no out of body experience, no inexplicable knowledge of the universe. Just an ordinary little thought that led to another ordinary little thought.
What if living an extraordinary life isn’t about the details?
Every now and then, I’d pull out a list I made that day and add a thought or two to it.
The point is…
Seeing more magic.
Doing what you love.
Feeling bright, brave, and brilliant.
Waking up and appreciating the mountains.
My children knowing how much they are loved.
Gratefully receiving everything I have.
Letting myself unfold.
Alignment, not approval.
Trusting the wisdom of my own heart.
A hundred percent up to me.
And in a gradual, ordinary kind of way, I figured it out. That feeling I wanted wasn’t an outcome. It wasn’t something that would happen “when.” It wasn’t in the details at all. It’s your feelings, moment to moment, that make your life extraordinary.
There is no committee keeping score and waiting to grant permission to begin. There’s just us, the people we care about, our corner of the world, and those little moments. And we have a choice in what we do with them.
That feeling that something was wrong wasn’t about my reputation or my checklist. It was about my awareness of the miracles right in front of me and my willingness to take conscious, meaningful steps that felt extraordinary to take.
Since that day, my life has changed dramatically.
We live in the same house, we shop at the same store, I have the same job, but now, I’m also one of those people who is curious about everything. Who loses themselves in creative projects just because. Who creates art, writes poetry, and self-publishes books. I’ve become one of those people who sees even the most ordinary moment at Whole Foods on a Wednesday afternoon as extraordinary.
How did I do it? I simply let myself begin right where I was.
You may have a completely different version of extraordinary, and that’s what’s so perfect. How to live an extraordinary life entirely up to you—it’s your life, after all. The action itself isn’t as important as the intent behind it.
As long as your intent is to make something in your world just a little better, to learn something just a little deeper, to try something you’re just a little curious about, it’s foolproof. You could institute pizza Saturdays or travel the world, saving endangered species. Both are extraordinary.
If you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few things to try. They changed the world for me.
1. Be tenacious in your appreciation and optimism.
First, slow down and look around. Then, appreciate anything and everything you possibly can. Thank the sun, thank the water, thank the air you breathe. Look out for the funny thing that happened on your way to work, beautiful sunsets, and acts of human kindness. Even when everyone around you wants to complain about the boss, be the one who notices that it’s such a nice day.
When I talked about my day, I used to begin with something that went wrong. Then, I gave myself one tiny challenge: lead with gratitude. I made a point of starting conversations with something positive as often as I could, which meant I had to start looking for those positive things and remembering to bring them up. I discovered so much beauty around me with this one simple switch.
2. Define your extraordinary.
What do you want to see in this lifetime? What do you want to learn? How do you want to feel while you’re living your life?
I’d thought about these things before, of course, but they would quickly get taken over by something more serious. I didn’t want to waste time. My attitude changed when I decided that feeling curious, engaged, and alive was more important than being productive.
I began setting intentions for the week. I’d write down an idea that excited me, a feeling I wanted to nurture, and something I wanted to learn or create. Then, I gave myself small, meaningful challenges that fit with those intentions. Carrying a composition book with me quickly led to filling that composition book, and then another and another.
3. Make friends with your body.
Your body was made for living, so live in it. Use it in a life-affirming way. Don’t just feed it, nourish it. Let it move, let it sweat, let it pump its blood, laugh, cry, and feel. Stretch into it and savor its senses. Rest it when it’s tired, heal it when it’s hurting, love it even when you want to change it, and thank it. And when it has something to tell you, lean in and really listen.
I used to treat my body like it had no purpose. I didn’t nourish it, I overworked its muscles, and I constantly tried to remodel it.
It wasn’t until I started paying attention to how I feel now that I asked myself, is this how you would treat a child or an animal in your care?
My answer was an emphatic, NO.
4. Lose yourself in curiosity and creativity.
Follow the fun and let yourself overflow. Take on a ridiculous project just because it lights you up, even if it’s silly, you’re “too old,” or it’s “wasting time.” Let it be messy. Let it change directions. And let it fail spectacularly. The outcome isn’t as important as the process of it.
I practice this by painting with my children. They are experts at following curiosity and creativity. While I’m painstakingly sketching a dog or a flower, they’re creating imaginary animals in underwater kingdoms and then covering the entire thing in handprints when the inspiration strikes.
Every time, I shake my head with a smile—this is supposed to be fun, remember?
5. Be of service in a way that’s meaningful to you.
Share something. Create something. Teach something. Go where you are masterful and add value to the world in any way that’s accessible to you. Feed the hummingbirds, pick up litter, volunteer in your community. Big or small, it doesn’t matter; it’s the meaning behind it that makes all the difference.
I started by cultivating the kind of presence I wanted to have in my own life. I wanted to feel presentat home, for one, so I reduced the expectations I put on myself. The house may be messier, but our weekend adventures at the park are nothing short of extraordinary.
If you’ve ever wanted to feel differently in your life, take one little, ordinary step. And then another. Let your feelings guide you. Your extraordinary life is waiting for you on the other side.
Article by: Leslie Ralph of Tiny Buddha
This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post at https://tinybuddha.com.
“Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ~Lao Tzu
We all have recorded messages playing in our heads, from long ago.
Listen to parents talking to young children. Often the message is less than approving.
“Don’t put that in your mouth!”
“Go wash your face right now.”
“If you keep acting like that nobody will like you.”
“Look at Cindy, how well she’s doing. If you worked harder you could do as well as her.”
Those examples are kind compared to what many people will have heard growing up.
Many of these messages enter our brains before our conscious memories are fully formed. They may be buried somewhere in our minds, but they are real.
Of course, parents have to train young children. That’s part of their job. But not all parents balance their criticism with approval.
So, we often grow up anxious for approval, uncertain of our own worth, always feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us, perhaps feeling more or less unlovable.
This self-critical stance interferes with the warm, loving, mutually accepting, and deeply satisfying relationships we crave all through life.
Are relationships really that important? The Harvard Study of Adult Development followed people for as long as seventy years. Some thrived, some sank.
What was the common factor among those who flourished for decades, in every way? Warm, supportive relationships.
I sucked at relationships as a child. I don’t mean romantic relationships, just friendships. I was the awkward kid who got left out of playground games.
Yet, there was a part of my life that was quite different. It was full of love and joy.
Let me tell you about Jolly.
Jolly was about two feet tall, hairy, with patches of brown, black, and white. For me, it was love at first sight. He was bouncing around frantically, his tail wagging so furiously that it might have fallen off.
I pestered my parents until they agreed to get him for me.
In no time at all, I was experiencing why dogs are called our best friends. Jolly was completely in love with me, judging by his behavior.
If the day had been particularly frustrating for me, Jolly didn’t care. He’d jump on me as soon as I came in the door, tail wagging at dangerous speeds, squealing with delight, trying to lick my face, running up and down the room before repeating the performance, barking with joy, inviting me to play with him.
Sometimes a teacher would tell me off in school.
Jolly didn’t care. To him, I was still the most wonderful person in the world. He would still burst with joy when I got home, bury me in licks, desperate for me to play with him.
Sometimes I would return feeling really low because other kids had been particularly nasty to me.
Jolly would still jump on me when I opened the door. He would still wag that tail dangerously fast. If he could talk, I believe he would be spewing out love poetry to rival Shakespeare.
I didn’t even have to go out of the house for him to find me fascinating and totally lovable. It was enough if I went to the next room and came back. He would still be almost bursting out of his skin with joy at seeing me again.
It was as if he could see something in me that I could not see for myself.
However, it took me decades to digest and fully accept the lesson that Jolly was teaching me.
Medical school taught me the neurological pathways and brain areas that are active during criticism, but I didn’t fully embrace Jolly’s message until some decades later.
For many parents, and for the world, success in life is something that happens in the future of a child. The child grinds out one day after another, chasing that distant glimmer of success.
The child becomes a young adult, and still they’re chasing that distant success. Work hours are long, relationships suffer, tempers are short, nerves are frayed, emotions run high. Still, success remains like a finishing line that’s continually moving away.
The young adult grows toward middle age, perhaps with children by now, and still they’re chasing success. For themselves and now for their children too.
No matter how much they’ve accumulated, there’s always the possibility of accumulating more. Keeping up with the Joneses is an endless game. At the root of it all is the little child’s longing for approval.
“They’ll discover I’m a fraud.”
“If they really knew me they wouldn’t like me.”
“If only I could get that next promotion or close that big sale, people would start respecting me more.”
“If only I did better, I would become truly lovable.”
Scratch under the surface, and there might well be a self-critical little child longing for acceptance.
We experience the stresses and strains of life as burdens that drag us down.
We get annoyed at ourselves for not doing better.
We beat ourselves up for experiencing difficult or unpleasant emotions.
We’re hooked on self-help books and programs because we’re anxious about our flaws.
We long to be rid of our flaws and imperfections, because we believe that will make us more lovable.
What would Jolly say?
“I don’t care. Yes, you need to lose thirty pounds, but right now I love you and want you to know that you are completely worthy of my love.”
“Yes, you could do with twice as much money and a much bigger house, but right now you are already totally lovable.”
“Yes, you could do with fewer of those low moods, less anxiety and less anger, but right now you are already worthy of honor and respect.”
“Yes, you’ve had some messy relationships and screwed up in many ways but right now you are totally worthy of love.”
The more I learned to accept myself with all my flaws and imperfections, the more relaxed I became about difficult emotions and setbacks in life.
The more accepting I became of my own imperfections, the more accepting and loving I became toward others.
The more accepting and loving I became toward others, the more they responded with warmth.
The child that was left out on the playground is now a much more self-accepting person despite his flaws, often a source of love, comfort, laughter, and joy to others. That is fertile soil for warm, supportive relationships.
Supportive relationships, as research has found, are the key to wellbeing now and for decades to come. They help keep your body and brain working well for longer.
At our core, we’re a mess and we’re always falling short of our aspirations. That’s part of being human. It’s okay.
Jolly would want you to know that you are totally lovable, regardless.
Article by: Joe Almeida of Tiny Buddha
“Waiting is not mere empty hoping. It has the inner certainty of reaching the goal.” ~I Ching
Waiting has a bad rap in modern Western society. It’s not surprising that I had to look to an ancient Chinese text (the I Ching) in order to find a suitable quote to begin this article. We don’t like to wait! It’s far easier to find quotes on the Internet about “seizing the day” and making something happen.
I’ve been an impatient person for much of my life. I wanted things to happen to me! I had a definite agenda in my twenties: finish college, start my career, get married, and have a family. So I declared a major and started knocking off my goals. When it was “time” to get married, I picked the most suitable person available and got on with it.
I really didn’t know much about waiting. I thought it was something you did if you didn’t have courage or conviction. It was just an excuse not to take action. I know better now.
What I’ve learned since then is that waiting is one of the most powerful tools we have for creating the life we want.
The ego, or mind, is very uncomfortable with waiting. This is the part of you that fairly screams, “Do something! Anything is better than nothing!” And, because we are a very ego-driven society, you’ll find plenty of external voices that back up that message.
The mind hates uncertainty, and would rather make a mistake than simply live in a state of “not knowing” while the right course unfolds.
There’s a term I love that describes this place of uncertainty: liminal. A liminal space is at the border or threshold between possibilities. It’s a place of pure potential: we could go any direction from here. There are no bright lights and obvious signs saying “Walk this way.”
Liminal spaces can be deeply uncomfortable, and most of us tend to rush through them as quickly as possible.
If we can slow down instead, the landscape gradually becomes clearer, the way it does when your eyes adjust to a darkened room. We start to use all of our senses. The ego wants a brightly lit super-highway to the future, but real life is more like a maze. We take one or two steps in a certain direction, and then face another turning point. Making our way forward requires an entirely different set of skills, and waiting is one of the most important!
There’s a proper timing to all things, and it’s often not the timing we want (now—or maybe even yesterday). There are things that happen on a subconscious level, in ourselves and in others, that prepare us for the next step. Oddly, when the time to act does come, there’s often a sense of inevitability about it, as if it was always meant to be this way.
Look back over your life and you’ll see this pattern. First, look at the decisions that you forced: how did those turn out? Then look for times when you just “knew” what to do, without even thinking about it. What happened then?
The key to the second kind of decision is waiting for that deep sense of inner knowing.
That doesn’t mean you’re certain that everything will turn out exactly the way you want it. Or that you don’t feel fear. But there is a sense of “yes, now’s the time” in your body that I liken to the urge that migratory birds get when it’s time to leave town. They don’t stand around debating whether to go, consulting maps and calendars. They just go when the time is right.
We’re animals too—we have and can cultivate that inner sensitiveness that lets us simply know what to do when the time is right. But to do that we have to unhook from the mind. Thinking is useful up to a point, but we usually take it far beyond the point of usefulness!
We go over and over various options, trying to predict the future based solely on our hopes and fears.
We talk endlessly with others about what we should do, hoping that they have the answers for us (and, ideally, trying to get everyone to agree).
We think about what we “should” do, based on any number of external measures: common sense, morality, religion, family values, finances, and so on.
And then usually we add this all up and just take our best shot.
A better way is to take stock of what you know (and, even more importantly, what you don’t know) and then… wait.
If there’s some action that calls to you, even if it’s seemingly unrelated to the question at hand, do it! Then wait again for another urge to move. Wait actively rather than passively. That means: keep your inner senses tuned to urges or intuitions. Expect that an answer will come. As the I Ching says, wait with the “inner certainty of reaching the goal.”
This is not the same kind of dithering and procrastination that come when we want to try something new but are afraid to step out into the unknown. If your intuition is pulling you in a certain direction and your mind is screaming at you to “Stop!” by all means ignore your mind.
There’s a subtle but very real difference between the feeling of fear (which holds you back from doing something you long to do) and misgivings (which warn you that a decision that looks good on the surface is not right for you).
In both cases, look for and trust that deep sense of inner knowing, even if your thoughts are telling you different. A friend once told me that her father’s best piece of advice to her was: “Deciding to get married should be the easiest decision of your life.” How I wish I had known that when I made my own (highly ambivalent) decision!
My head was telling me that this was the sensible thing to do, and he was a good man. My gut, however, was far from on board. I still vividly recall the many inward debates I held about whether to marry him, and even the dreams I had that revealed my inner reluctance. Unfortunately, I went with my thoughts over my instincts.
Now I know this: If you have to talk yourself into something, try waiting instead. More will be revealed, if you give it some time.
Ignore that voice in your head that says you need to make a decision now. Don’t rush through life. Linger in the liminal spaces and see what becomes clear as you sit with uncertainty. Learn to trust your gut more than your head. Have faith that the right course will unfold at the perfect time. And then, when the time comes, just do it, as simply and naturally as the birds take flight.
Article by: Amaya Pryce of Tiny Buddha
One reason that people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up rather than what they have to gain.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
I would say it’s a safe assumption that most people aren’t quite sure what they’re doing.
What do I mean? I mean that most individuals—whether they look polished and presentable or haphazardly have their life thrown together—are generally playing a game called “life.” And they’re trying the best they can.
In other words, we’re all capable and have all experienced the highs and lows of what life has to offer. Unfortunately, that’s just part of the human experience. To try to ride the highs while avoiding the lows is counterproductive and, quite frankly, impossible.
But it’s also easy to feel like you’re falling down a dark rabbit hole when times are tougher. And one of those feelings revolves around our desire to make an impact on this world, finding what really drives us.
Great! Now, where to start?
And that’s the problem. Most of us, including myself, have fallen victim to not knowing what to do with our lives, both professionally and even personally.
And I offer you this: that is perfectly okay. And it is perfectly okay to fail on your way to finding out what to do with your life.
Failing Whether You Want To or Not
Life isn’t about an end goal or a destination. Life is about enjoying the ride and trying different things. Things you will succeed at and things you won’t succeed at.
I personally have failed at many things in my life in its two most common forms: action and inaction.
One of my biggest “failures” of inaction was sticking with a career that I didn’t enjoy on any level for far too long. It got so bad, I would begin to dread Saturdays because I knew the next day was Sunday, which meant the day before the workweek began. And when that week started, I counted the days down until the weekend.
And the cycle would repeat. Yet I kept this uncomfortable routine for years, lying to myself and saying that it was okay because I had a stable job, a good income, and it could be worse.
I was too scared to take a step or make a move. And years flew by before I realized it was time to take one.
I also didn’t move when I had the opportunity to. I didn’t take a trip because it might have required a bit more financing than I thought. I didn’t volunteer because life got busy and I shelved the idea.
The lack of moving forward, or taking a step, results in a failed effort to grow as a person. We begin to regret that we didn’t do X, Y, or Z. And unfortunately, living with regret is the fastest way to bury yourself into a hole.
But failure can also occur as you go about sticking your neck out and trying different things.
And unfortunately, this is the one that scares most people. Why? Because there is nothing worse than actually taking a leap of faith, only to have it blow up in our face. We may learn valuable life lessons from it, yet it doesn’t exactly help our arch-nemesis, the ego.
But as Wayne Gretzky once said: “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”
So if the last relationship you got into didn’t work out, it’ll be okay. If the job you switched to didn’t turn out in your favor, not a problem. And if telling someone your true feelings got you on the wrong side of the equation, so be it.
Now you know. And you never would have known if you didn’t take that step. Rest easy knowing that you made the effort.
Life and Newton’s First Law of Motion
I remember at very specific points telling myself that sooner than later I’d figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I needed to keep my job in the meantime.
Life doesn’t work like that.
I used to think that a lightning bolt from Zeus himself would come down and strike me, in the form of some epiphany wrapped in a layer of motivation. This “lightning bolt,” some kind of chance meeting with someone or witnessing something, would basically give me all the info I needed to pursue the things in life that were meant for me.
I was convinced it was that simple.
As you can imagine, that lightning bolt never hit, and I felt stuck. And it was equally hard to imagine a different life besides the one I was living: going to work, watching TV, and going out on the weekends with friends.
This life I was living had done me fairly well up to this point, but I knew something was missing. What that piece (or pieces) were, I didn’t know. But all of us, at some point, feel that sort of “empty” void that we know something is absent.
After awhile, I began to take steps to try different things that struck my fancy. Things like writing, taking an art class, volunteering, reading, researching different industries and careers, and many more. If it stuck out to me, I was willing to give it a shot.
And here you have executed on Newton’s First Law of Motion: An object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.
In simpler terms, an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
Looking back, all of the small things I tried were baby steps, but very important ones. It was these tiny little movements, so to speak, that enabled me to start moving in a direction that gave me greater joy and led to more fulfillment.
I started writing for a local magazine, free of charge, in an effort to practice my writing. I made it a point to read at least one book every two weeks, and ended with over thirty-four by year-end. I went back to school and completely changed careers.
And, as you can imagine, life got much better. But it didn’t go completely smoothly. I had some wrong turns in there, including taking a bad job and entering a bad relationship.
I did all these things in an effort to find my true calling, the one or two things that completely light me up and I would do for free without hesitation. Have I found it yet? I can’t say I have.
And yet somehow, I’m a little more at ease knowing that while I may not know what I want to do with my life, I’m trying things that will help me eventually find it.
I can also tell you that I’ve failed multiple times through taking action and I’ve failed multiple times by doing nothing.
It’s through these failures, though, that I’ve learned to hone in on the things that worked. And through honing in on the things that worked, I’ve been able to focus my attention in areas that interest me and have given me the greatest return.
You Have An Amazing Ride If You Want It
If I were to tell you with 110 percent certainty and conviction that life has an amazing ride in store for you if you were to take baby steps toward finding yourself, would you do it? If I were to then tell you that no matter what steps you take, you will ultimately fail at some point, would you still do it?
It should give you comfort to know that the steps you take won’t be perfect by any means. And knowing they’re not perfect should take the pressure off on trying to create immaculate scenarios every single time.
I know one thing: I’m much closer to finding my life’s purpose than I was before. And it’s because I’ve taken steps to try different things and see what sticks and what doesn’t.
Ultimately, there are many steps in life ahead of you that will be the right choice, and a few that will be the wrong choice. But either way, you’re winning by taking action.
Article by: Adam Bergen of Tiny Buddha
You can find more purpose and happiness at work and in life by asking yourself better questions…
Have you ever done a copy-and-paste of your goals from the previous year because you didn’t accomplish any of them? I have. I’ve also fallen into the lazy trap of making my goals in line with everyone else’s — to weigh less, spend less, earn more.
The new year is an opportunity. Many of us use the turning of the year to think about where we are and where we want to go. We set goals and make resolutions for how the coming year will be different. Better.
When we set goals by just going through the motions, we have little chance of success. At best, we might luck into a little progress, but it’s never very satisfying. Instead, taking time in advance to reflect leads to knowing ourselves better. And when we know ourselves, setting the goals for what’s next becomes much easier.
If life is a journey, the questions we ask ourselves are the fuel that gets us from here to there.
Without this intentional reflection, we react impulsively and with limited information. We’re vulnerable to getting pushed around by the forces of those more proactive than us.
Here are 31 questions to reflect on in December–one for each day–before you set your New Year’s resolutions. They’re intended to get you thinking about what you have to be grateful for, what you want to change, and what effort is needed to propel you forward.
- What are the first thoughts that come to mind about the past year? Mostly positive, negative, or neutral?
- What was one of the most interesting things I learned this year?
- Who was one person I met that I’d like to get to know better? Why?
- What was one of my most challenging moments? Why?
- What was one of my favorite accomplishments?
- What was one personal strength I used this year? How did it benefit my work or life?
- What hurdle came up more than once? (time, money, attitude, location, knowledge, etc.)
- How well did I communicate with the people who matter most to me?
- What three events or accomplishments were made possible by the help of others?
- What advice would I offer someone else on the basis of a lesson I learned this year?
- What are three problems that came up at work? How did I approach solving those problems? Are there any trends in those problems or solutions?
- Who needed my encouragement this year? What did I say or do to help them along?
- If I were writing a memoir, what would I highlight in the chapter about this year?
- What was I doing when I forgot about time and was able to be “in the moment”?
- What frustration seemed to come up again and again?
- What did I start and not finish?
- What did I try and fail?
- What three things am I curious to know more about?
- If I could wave a magic wand and master one skill, what would it be? Why?
- Who is one person I could help right now? How? What would it “cost” me? What would I gain?
- When did I slow someone else’s progress? Why? What was I worried about?
- What’s one thing I made or created from scratch? How did that feel?
- What’s one thing I did that left me exhausted at the end? How did that feel?
- What’s one thing I was a part of this year that I’ll remember for the rest of my life? Why?
- What was the nicest thing someone did for me this year?
- What was the nicest thing I did for someone else this year?
- If I could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be?
- What felt difficult one year ago that now feels easy (or easier)?
- Of the books I read this year, which was my favorite?
- How did I capture my thoughts and feelings? (journaling, writing, social media sharing, talking one-on-one with friends or family, etc.) Was that method helpful?
- What are six adjectives that best describe this year? What would I like those adjectives to be next year?
Asking ourselves reflective questions can jump-start our learning. When we’re more aware of our interests and desires, we can create goals that align with what we want — not what we think we’re supposed to want. Some of these questions are bigger than others and will be more difficult to answer. They’re intended to be asked one at a time each day for a month. Taking these questions day by day allows your thinking to change over the course of the day. Keeping a journal of these questions and your answers helps you keep track of what you notice through this process. At the end of the month, use these answers to help you create goals aimed at making the coming year your best year yet.
Article by: Robin Camarote of Inc.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~Maya Angelou
Can you remember what it was like?
Becoming an adult. Having to take responsibility for your life. Having the world opening up to you. Having to suddenly start making decisions and setting a clear direction for your life.
Exciting, yet terrifying and confusing all at the same time.
Looking back, there are things you wish you’d known, right? Here are some things I’ve learned that I wish someone would have told me when I was eighteen.
1. You don’t find meaning; you create meaning.
For a long time, I was constantly looking for what I was “meant to do” in life. Doing so can feel overwhelming, confusing, and shame-indulging. But here’s what I discovered: Finding is passive; it means that something or someone has to show up in order to get what we want. It’s outside our control.
So, instead of finding meaning, it’s better to create meaning. To indulge ourselves in projects and activities that feel meaningful to us. When we do this, we go from passive to active. From lacking control to gaining control.
2. You’re not fixed; you’re always growing.
I used to think that I was given a set of talents, skills, and behaviors. That was until I realized that I wasn’t wired fixed, but changeable.
If I want to be happier, I just have to shift my focus. Maybe that means writing a gratitude journal expressing my appreciation toward others, and practicing seeing things from a positive perspective.
Since you’re always in growth, you don’t need to be scared of failing, as everything is a stepping stone to a new talent, skill, or behavior.
The same applies for what we’re good at. If you want to be a writer, then start writing. If you want to be a successful entrepreneur, then start reading, acting, and thinking like one. That’s the beauty of it all—you’re the creator of you.
3. Carefully choose who you take advice from.
People love giving advice. But here’s the thing: People don’t give advice based on who you are, but on who they are. If someone had a great experience starting a business, they’re likely to encourage you to do the same. However, if someone had a horrible experience with the same thing, they’re likely to, perhaps not discourage you, but at least point out things that can go wrong.
Here’s what I’ve found to be useful: Take advice only from those who have made the same journey (or a similar one) that you want to undertake.
4. You don’t need to know your passion.
“Follow your passion.” How many times have you heard this message and thought to yourself, “Argh, but I don’t know what my passion is!” Or, “I have too many passions and I don’t know which one to choose.” In general, I think this is rather crappy advice. For me, it caused more harm than good, because frankly, it stressed me out.
If you know your passion, that’s great. If not, don’t worry. Instead of focusing your attention on finding your passion, start following your curiosity. Just like a scavenger hunt, what pokes your curiosity is the next clue. And like Elizabeth Gilbert perfectly laid it out: “If you can let go of ‘passion’ and follow your curiosity, your curiosity just might lead you to your passion.”
5. Buy experiences, not things.
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what type of designer bag I’d purchase. Don’t get me wrong, I love beautiful things and have no problem buying them. But I’ve learned not to put my happiness in them.
When I think back on my life, what I remember are the beach parties in the Dominican Republic, the soirées I spent with friends in Paris, and the walks with my sister in Central Park.
Experiences are what change us. They help us open up doors to new people, cultures, perspectives, and potentially a whole new world. So, invest your money well.
6. Life is always now, not tomorrow or next week.
Oh gosh, if I had a nickel for every minute I’ve spent either worrying about the future or contemplating my past. It would probably make up more time than what I’ve spent in the present. Pretty bizarre, no? And I know I’m not alone when I say that.
Our mind, which I sometimes like to call our monkey mind, loves pulling our attention from the present moment. But this is where life is taking place.
We can’t have a full experience when our body is in one place and our mind is somewhere else (like sitting in a meeting thinking about what to eat for dinner). And that’s why we’re here, right? To experience life fully. So be present, allow those thoughts about the past and future pass by, just like clouds in the sky.
7. Don’t confuse means goals with end goals.
Vishen Lakhiani did an amazing video where he explained what I didn’t get for so long: end goals and means goals.
End goals define an outcome that describes exactly what you want. This can be seeing your children grow up, being truly happy, and traveling around the world. Means goals can be about getting into a specific university or company or making a certain amount of money. They are there simply to support your end goals.
When I became uncomfortable in my “dream job” in Paris I couldn’t understand why. It included everything I’d ever dreamed of: a good paycheck, travel, and fun colleagues. But I had confused a means goal with an end goal. What I truly wanted was to start a business where I could create, contribute, and connect with other people.
8. Connections, not grades, are the key to success.
Growing up, I was really focused on getting good grades. I thought that good grades would be the key to a successful life. They’ve helped me to open up doors, but the game-changer hasn’t been my grades, it’s been my connections.
Knowing the right people and connecting on a deeper lever is much more powerful than anything written on a piece of paper. Mind you, this, of course, depends on what kind of opportunity you’re after. But, for me, looking back, what served me during my years at university wasn’t the grades I got; it was the connections I made.
That’s how I’ve landed jobs, speaking opportunities, and have been featured on podcasts–things I otherwise never would have heard of or been considered for.
9. Everyone is doing the best they can.
I truly believe this. Everyone, no matter how annoying, self-destructive, or provoking they might seem, is always doing the best they can based on their mood, experience, and level of consciousness. I used to get angry or upset if someone was rude, pessimistic, or didn’t deliver projects on time.
Today, I know that I’m not in the position to judge. I don’t know what they battle. I don’t know what’s really going on in their life. All I can trust is that if I was in their shoes, I might do the same thing. This perspective has saved me a lot of energy, that I previously used to waste.
10. Know your “why.”
Often, we place a lot of focus on what we do or how we do it. Seldom we ask why we do it. If I would have dug deeper in my “why’s” when I was eighteen, I would have connected more to my desires. Like this:
Question: Why do I want to get this education?
Reply: Because I want to get a good job.
Question: Why do I want to get a good job?
Reply: So that I can earn good money, work on something I enjoy, and get a nice title.
Question: Why do I want that?
Reply: Because I want to feel secure and free, to explore the world, to create things, to feel respected, and to connect with myself and others.”
When I got clear about my “why” it became obvious to me that I wanted to work with people, have my own business, and to be able to work from anywhere in the world.
Digging into the “why” really narrows down what’s important. Not having a clear “why” proves that what we’re aiming at isn’t worth pursuing.
Eventually, Everything Will Make Sense
Sometimes we stumble and fall. Sometimes the road is rocky. Sometimes we question if everything will make sense in the end.
Looking back at your eighteen-year-old self, what would you have told him or her?
To be easier on yourself?
To stop worrying and have more fun?
To trust that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out?
From this perspective, what do you think an older version of yourself would have told you today?
To be easier on yourself?
To stop worrying and have more fun?
To trust that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out?
You get the point.
As Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
1661 N. Water Street, #507
Milwaukee, WI 53201
Lisa Hillary, MSW, LCSW
Separation and Divorce
Children, Adolescents, Adults