7 Strategies for Coping with Grief

One of life’s most difficult experiences is losing a loved one, and grief doesn’t necessarily follow a straight path through stages that neatly fit into boxes. Though each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprints, experts have identified some thoughts and feelings common to the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Emotions around the loss of a loved one often surface unexpectedly; sometimes conflicting feelings can come up at the same time, and emotions may change from minute to minute or day to day on the so-called “grief roller coaster.”

The symptoms of grief are also wide-ranging. Most people experience it as sadness, but sometimes grief can feel like relief, especially if the dying process was long or the loved one was in pain. For some people, grief is a numbness; for others it feels like a physical ache.

1. It won’t feel like this forever.

Part of what makes losing a loved one so painful is the feeling that the intense sadness will last forever. It’s a common fear, While we never ‘move on’ from the people we love, resuming your normal activities is a good start to processing the loss. It can feel awkward at first. But over time the focus can shift from grief to integrating the loss of your loved one into your day-to-day life.

2. You can handle it, even when you feel like you can’t.

Many people are resilient in grief, but the initial shock of the loss can often be difficult to cope with. It’s helpful, when possible, to “cope ahead” by developing a plan to ensure that you are well-supported in the event that your loved one passes.

Grief and pain often come in waves and can feel overwhelming. Treat the feeling of being crashed into by grief as they do waves crashing over them on the shore. Allow the wave to come, but also allow it to go. Your grief will ebb. Make space for painful emotions, as they let us practice resilience.

3. Be gentle with yourself.

Grief is exhausting. It has a way of touching all areas of life and can affect how you take care of yourself. Carve out time for naps, eat nourishing foods, and drink plenty of water. But above all, say the MSK bereavement experts, treat yourself with compassion. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Give yourself a break as you navigate the loss of your loved one.

4. Think in cycles, not lines.

If you reach a point where you’re feeling good only to feel bad again, it’s not a sign that you’ve relapsed or gotten worse. It’s how grief works, and it’s actually forward movement. People will say, ‘I was walking down the street and all of a sudden I started to cry, and yet, I had been feeling calm. I try to reframe that. Grief is a series of loops or waves that ebb and flow: It’s possible to circle back to where you were and still keep moving onward.

5. Your feelings are understandable and reasonable.

Try to refrain from using the word “normal” to describe emotions that arise during the grief process. Instead, use the terms “understandable and reasonable,” saying “nothing is really normal once your world has been shaken up.” Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel: anger, sadness, even relief. The bottom line on feelings is simple, “There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to mourn and grieve.”

6. Grief can help you find meaning.

There’s no getting over the loss of a loved one. Instead, you can find ways to incorporate that loss into your life as you move forward. Grief is a natural response to loving someone. Though we all have past experiences that may influence how we see ourselves, grief provides an opportunity to reflect on what matters most to us.

It’s important to stay connected to the things that give you a reason to step out into life each day, the sources of meaning in your life. That can contribute to a sense of purpose and empower you to carve a path forward.

7. You’re not alone.

Grief is complicated, and it has a far reaching impact in our lives. Sometimes, that means it’s best to get professional support as you navigate this experience. Whether it’s one one-on-one therapy with a counselor who’s experienced in treating grief, or a group therapy session with other grievers, bringing in a professional to help you through this time can make a world of difference.

A therapist who is experienced in grief counseling can help you make sense of your new world, cope with overwhelming emotions, and be more compassionate with yourself.

Are you looking for more SUPPORT coping with Grief and Loss?

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article by: Susan Wagner

Happy woman with great mental health

How to Become a Better Person in 7 Days

How often do think about becoming a BETTER version of yourself? Well, besides when you’re setting “New Year’s Goals and Resolutions?”  A lot of us are continually striving to be better…better parents, better partners, better friends, better daughters, better listeners. A helpful self-improvement strategy can be to place an emphasis on making small changes today, rather than what you’ll do one day.

“The time to start is today,” writes Lolly Daskal, the president and CEO of Lead From Within, in an article for Business Insider. “The alternative is a sad one: to look back one day and wish you had done better.”

To create a framework to challenge yourself and self-reflect, she’s devised seven simple questions—one to ask each day of the week. “If you can ask them with courage, answer them with truth, and put to use what you learn from them, the next seven days will be your master class on becoming a better person,” she says. Are you ready for the challenge?

Day 1: What do I sound like?

“The way you sound is the best indicator of how you think. Do you express negativity or optimism? Complacency or joy? Acceptance or judgment?” Daskal says.

Day 2: What do I still need to learn?

Learning is a lifelong pursuit. Acknowledge that there are infinite things you can learn, and the people around you can all offer a unique perspective and insight to grow your knowledge.

Day 3: How can I be more purposeful?

Living each day with purpose will help you to remain present and focused. What can you do today to be more purposeful? What do you want to achieve?

Day 4: How can I become a better role model?

“It’s not about making yourself into someone you’re not but about being genuine with who you are, with all your weakness and strengths, and living from that truth,” Daskal says. Aspire to do every task, no matter how great or small, to the best of your ability.

Day 5: Who do I need to forgive?

Holding onto anger or resentment can provide serious emotional blockages that can appear in other areas of your life. To truly become a better person, ask who you need to forgive in order to focus on what matters.

Day 6: How can I lace everything with love?

“Give freely of yourself without expecting anything in return,” she says. “Make today the day you lace everything you say and do with unconditional love. There’s no greater game changer.”

Day 7: How can I cultivate an attitude of gratitude?

You cannot always control what happens to you in life but you can control how you perceive and learn from it. Reflect on the week that’s passed, and focus on all that you’re grateful for.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article written by: Sophie Miura, Author of “The Self-Care Ritual That Every Therapist Swears by.”

Man dealing with stress and anxiety and depression

Learning How to Confront Someone When You Are a People Pleaser

“The more room you give yourself to express your true thoughts and feelings, the more room there is for your wisdom to emerge.” ~Marianne Williamson

I have always been a people-pleaser, a trait that on the surface seems positive. Like many of us, I want people to like me, and I do my best to make them feel loved. But when someone is angry with me or feels I’ve hurt them in some way, no matter how insignificant or fleeting that anger or pain is, it crushes me.

Over the years, I learned to value other people’s happiness and expectations over my own. To be honest, I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I’d been trying to be “likable” for so long. This was especially true at work. If my boss criticized me, I felt I was letting her down, and worked diligently to earn praise.

I became dependent on accolades to feel worthy, but this meant I also plummeted into despair when I didn’t measure up to expectations.
A couple of years ago, I was working at a non-profit with a group of people I truly respected and admired. It was my dream job—I was a publicist for a company that was doing good things in the world, not just trying to make money. I loved this job, and worked hard.

Eventually, I was offered a promotion—a management position, overseeing staff and developing strategy. I was thrilled! This was a tangible acknowledgement of how hard I’d worked, how valuable I’d become.

There were strings attached. The department heads wanted me to continue doing my old job since they didn’t have the budget to hire another person.

I was flattered that my bosses wanted to give me more responsibilities (proving my worth). But I also knew the organization was taking advantage of me by not hiring someone to help, and this was difficult for me to accept and address directly. If they really liked and respected me, how could they think this was a fair offer? I was asked to do two jobs for the price of one.

It gutted me. After all my hard work, I knew I deserved more.
But these are good people, I reminded myself. Surely there’s something I’m overlooking. Am I unworthy of more?

I felt my self-esteem plummet.

It took a few days for me to realize I had to stand up for myself. Nobody else was going to do it. My bosses, who I’d come to see as friends, were taking advantage of me and my people-pleasing approach.

To make things worse, this job was my livelihood. I didn’t know how quickly I could get another job, so it was frightening to think about confronting them. How would it end? Would they fire me if I turned them down? How could I support myself?

I was terrified, but I knew I had to say something. Even if I struggled to find another job, I knew this was a test of my self-esteem. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d just gone along with their plans, pretending it was okay. I had to rise to the occasion no matter how uncomfortable I felt.

I was trembling as I met with my supervisors, the four of us sitting around a table in a sterile conference room. I thought these familiar faces were my advocates, but now I saw that I had to advocate for myself.

I talked about my responsibilities, how hard I’d worked, how much I loved the organization and the people. I asked that they hire another person and offer me a decent raise, or I wouldn’t accept the new position. “I suggest you reconsider,” one of them said. “It’s a great opportunity for you.” I was shocked. An opportunity? “I need more help if you want me to stay,” I insisted. “We’re offering you a great career move. Are you saying you don’t want a promotion?” I felt numb. They were trying to wear me down, to make me feel like this was a positive. But I knew better. I didn’t want to work two jobs when the hours were long enough, and they refused to negotiate.

When I realized I’d have to accept their terms or quit, the fear kicked into high gear. Would I be able to get another job in this economy? How would I support myself? It was my ego shouting, trying to take control and remind me that I needed this job, and this paycheck. But my gut knew better. I didn’t “need” to stay, and a paycheck wasn’t worth my sense of self. I knew that it might take a while, but I could find another job.

When our meeting ended, I walked back to my desk and typed up my resignation. Nobody stopped me or tried to convince me to stay when I announced my departure.

Strangely, I was relieved. By deciding to confront the situation and my supervisors directly, I’d let go of my burning desire to live up to their unreasonable expectations. Instead, I saw myself and the situation more clearly.

If they weren’t willing to see my value, I had to honor it myself, even if it meant confronting people I liked and admired. I learned that confrontation, though still difficult for me to do, was just as healthy as being kind.

Soon after I quit, I was able to find work. In fact, leaving that job opened up opportunities I wasn’t aware of, because I hadn’t been looking. I now have a steady stream of freelance assignments, as well as more time to dedicate to other passions of mine, like traveling, hiking, and writing a novel.

Here’s what I’ve learned about dealing with conflict:

Asserting myself is a healthy practice.

We all deserve an equal playing field. When I speak up for myself, it means I’m honoring my needs, too. When I’m going to extremes trying to please others, I get resentful, whether I realize it in the moment or not. Over time, this resentment interferes with my relationships. When I create healthy boundaries with someone in my life, I’m doing both of us a favor.

It might be uncomfortable in the moment.

Confronting someone is never easy, especially a friend, family member, or someone in a position of power over you (like a boss). It might make me squirm and feel terrible in the moment, but in the long run, I have felt such relief. I’ve taken the silent burden off of me, so I can feel more peaceful. The positives outweigh the negatives.

I must look past my fear.

When we face big risks in life like potential unemployment or the end of a relationship, fear kicks into high gear. When fear overwhelms me, I like to step back and look at the situation from an outsider’s perspective.
If a good friend told me she was going through the same experience, what would I say? No doubt I’d support her in advocating for herself, so I should take my own advice. No matter the result, it’s worth the risk to honor ourselves.

It is impossible to please everyone anyway.

This is a hard lesson for me. I have a deep desire for people to understand who I am; that what I do and say comes from a good place. However, this isn’t realistic. There are always going to be people who don’t like me, who misunderstand me. It is not my job to make them feel differently about me; that is completely up to them. What I can do is treat people with respect and kindness, and let go of the outcome.

Confrontation isn’t about hurting someone else; it’s about standing in my power.

The ability to confront ultimately comes down to an issue of self-esteem. Because I was trying to gain acceptance and love, I was at the mercy of external circumstances to feel worthy. Now I see that I have to accept my own worthiness no matter what.

We are all worthy. We are all lovable. And we are all responsible for creating boundaries to honor our worth. This I know is true.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapy, couples counseling, eating disorderstraumaOCD therapytherapy for college students, neurodivergent affirming therapy, and LGBTQ+ therapy. We would be honored to support you in learning new coping methods to help strengthen your relationship.

Article by:  Kelly Seal

The Power of I…Taking 1% Responsibility

When we experience loss in our lives, we often feel immense emotional pain. Sometimes the pain is so profound that it leaves us feeling paralyzed and hopeless about the future. It’s as if we are stuck in an emotional prison, unable to escape and incapable of imagining a life without suffering. Over time and without new action, our prison can become so familiar that we begin to believe that we are powerless over our emotions, our lives, and our circumstances in life.

The good news is, we do have control. As challenging and painful as it can be to take ownership of our lives (especially our pain), we do have the capacity to own our emotions, own our stories, and decide what we are going to do with the emotional pain we are carrying. This ownership is the first step on our path to healing and recovery.

What if we looked at things from a different lens and took 1% responsibility for our reaction in the present moment. That 1% represents the small part of us that feels hopeful about feeling better and our willingness to take new action to heal from our pain. If we don’t accept at least 1% responsibility for our emotions, we get to stay in prison.

Action is the antidote to fear. In order to experience true emotional healing and fulfillment in our lives, we must be willing to push through our fears and the familiarity of our pain and take new action to move forward.

Even if recovery is what we deeply desire in our hearts, our fear can have a powerful grip on us in the present moment. It is often our fear that stops us in our tracks and limits us from taking emotional risks in life. Richard O’Connor, the author of Rewire, states that “fear of success is a euphemistic stand-in for deeper fears that are the real motivation for handicapping ourselves – fear of freedom, happiness, intimacy and responsibility.”

Aren’t we all willing to do whatever it takes to feel happy in life? Then why is this so challenging for us?

Well, it is in our human nature to seek what is familiar, even if it is not comfortable. Over time and without new action, our pain becomes familiar to us. Yes. We develop a fierce relationship to our pain and sometimes even defend it. We don’t like to give up what belongs to us, right? This familiarity, stacked on top of fear, is a powerful barrier to feeling better and recovering from loss.

Having experienced the painful deaths of loved ones, as well as other losses, we deeply appreciate how scary and uncertain life feels after loss. It’s like you see your life path diverging in front of you, and you know you have to make a massive decision about which path you choose to walk. The decision we make at this crossroad of our lives is critical in our healing.

Making the choice to walk onto a new path can feel very scary, intimidating, and uncomfortable. It compels us to take new ownership for our lives and the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we are capable of achieving. Walking the path we know may seem easier in the moment, simply because it is familiar. It doesn’t necessarily mean it will offer us what we truly need to move beyond the pain.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about Grief or counseling, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygriefcounselingonline therapyeating disorderstrauma, EMDR therapy, OCD therapytherapy for college students, women’s health and wellness, and LGBTQ+ therapy.

Article Written by: Gina Baretta at The Grief Healing Centre.

PostPartum OCD…A Firsthand Experience

Thirty-three years ago, I had my firstborn and knew nothing about something terrible happening to me. Postpartum disorders had not yet made it into the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual l (a.k.a. bible) of Mental Disorders, so what I was experiencing essentially didn’t exist. I was a nurse-midwife, but I was terrified. Thoughts of poking my newborn in the eye with something sharp, or dropping her, intruded unbidden into mind, hitting me as I unloaded the dishwasher or climbed the stairs. I was too horrified to mention these thoughts to my care provider.

Three years later, I had my second child. The anxiety and intrusive images grew worse (as they tend to do over subsequent pregnancies, worsening like any illness over time). This time, I did mention it, and my nurse-midwife tried to reassure me, not shaming or alarming me, but she knew no more about reproductive psych disorders than I did. I didn’t find help for two more years.

Gratefully, perinatal OCD—more often known as postpartum OCD (though it can also begin in pregnancy)—is now a known entity. Yet just because the name is known doesn’t mean it’s well understood. Here’s everything I wish I’d known then. Pass it on to anyone it could help!

You are not “crazy,” and you don’t have psychosis. You are not going to hurt your baby. I feared I was going crazy, and it could have just been a matter of time before I was hallucinating or delusional. Delusions and hallucinations are part of postpartum psychosis, a much rarer and different disorder than perinatal OCD. In postpartum psychosis, women lose touch with reality and are at actual risk to themselves and their children. On the contrary, with perinatal OCD, women are in touch with reality and highly distressed by their intrusive thoughts or images. They often go to great lengths or carry out compulsions to defend against their “bad thoughts,” asking others to carry the baby on stairs, for example, or bathe and diaper them (OCD intrusive thoughts or images can be of a sexual nature).

You may never have experienced anything like this. Did you check under the bed as a kid, an even number of times, to ensure there were no monsters? I did. Do you need everything spic and span to feel at ease, tidying up to the degree that you’ve been called a neat freak, or urged to “let it go”? Many people with perinatal OCD had OCD or its symptoms in the past. Perhaps they were treated, perhaps it never got “that bad.” Either way, perinatal OCD can arise if you’ve had OCD or you haven’t. It’s estimated 1-2 percent of perinatal women are affected by OCD. But as with any estimate of things people hesitate to talk about, this is likely an underestimate.

Even if you had OCD, perinatal symptoms are likely different. Perinatal OCD symptoms can be especially alarming because intrusive thoughts involve the infant, the person you likely most want to protect and care for. Perinatal OCD can also lead to avoidance of baby care (such as not wanting to see the baby naked if intrusive thoughts happen during diapering), compulsions, insomnia (when sleep is so precious), and/or depression.

It bears repeating: you won’t carry out your intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts and images are so distressing in perinatal OCD we call them “ego-dystonic”—they are the exact opposite of what you truly want to do. On the contrary, with postpartum psychosis, thoughts of harm can be “ego-syntonic,” or consistent with a person’s delusions and hallucinations, and acceptable to the person experiencing them. Perinatal OCD and postpartum psychosis are two very different, separate disorders.

OCD is driven by anxiety. OCD comes in so many varieties that the latest 2013 edition of the DSM moved OCD out of the Anxiety Disorders category and into its own Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders (OCRD) category. (Skin picking, hair-pulling, hoarding, and other OCD variants are included.) But all OCD, including perinatal, predominantly causes excessive anxiety. You might be anxious to pick up the baby or drive. Maybe you’re anxious to go to bed because you’re afraid you won’t sleep. You may be anxious to cut a tomato with a sharp knife. Whatever it is, anxiety is prevalent and may be all-encompassing. The great news is, this is very treatable and you will get well.

There are great treatments for Perinatal OCD. OCD is the only psychiatric disorder found not to respond to placebo. It is a true brain disorder and, luckily, responds robustly to antidepressants (and, in some cases, other medications) that have been found safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding. OCD treatment generally requires high doses of medications to be effective, and these meds definitely work. Therapy—particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, but others as well—is also effective, and in general, therapy and medications work better together than either do alone.

It’s not me, it’s my OCD. For starters, simply recognizing what you may have is a brain issue and involves your thinking can be harnessed for healing and anxiety reduction. When intrusive thoughts or images strike, you can remind yourself, “It’s not me, it’s my OCD.” Take a deep breath, understand this is a process of healing, and try to let go of fear while doing something positive. Reach out for help, call a trusted friend, be around others who comfort you, or use your favorite self-care hack, for starters.

Connect with others. Not only is isolation evolutionarily unnatural for humans—especially with a new baby—but being alone tends to heighten anxiety. Being with others can help you relax and validate you are doing a good job. Besides friends and family who are supportive, there are many groups for those with perinatal OCD. Online, you can join anywhere. Postpartum Support International, Maternal OCD, and Policy Center for Maternal Mental Health are national and international resources to get you started. You are not alone!

Stop the silence. There is no shame in sharing you have perinatal OCD. It can be a relief to share, and it helps others know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. But it’s your story to tell, and you needn’t share if you don’t feel safe. Remember the great acronym S.H.A.M.E.: Should Have Already Mastered Everything. That’s a gross untruth about anyone or anything, especially a new mom. You’re doing a great job at the hardest job you’ll ever have (parenthood), and the best job you can at the moment. You are good enough!

The quicker you find help, the better for you…and your family. The days of believing we can and should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps are thankfully over. We know “it takes a village.” But sometimes, we think needing help only applies to others, not us. Well, it applies to us, too. Research shows mothers with psychiatric disorders risk having children with psychiatric disorders or other problems. But there’s great news: when moms get treated, their children get better. What a happy “side effect” of healing. If you’re reluctant to reach out, remember your entire family benefits. Soon, you’ll feel better. Good treatment works. I’ve never seen it fail. Go forth and heal!

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about Perinatal Mental Health and OCD, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapyeating disorders therapytrauma & PTSD therapy, EMDR therapy, OCD therapytherapy for college students, women’s health and wellness, LGBTQ+ therapy, and Neurodivergent affirming therapy.

Article By: Diane Solomon of Psychology Today

Pride and Mental Health

 

Rainbow retail and Pride marches dominate the calendar in the summer months. If you’re from the LGBTQ+ community, this can bring up all sorts of emotions. While there is a lot to celebrate and be proud of, it also reminds us how much more we need to do to live full and equal lives. Reflecting on what Pride means to us and those we support, we can spark new conversations, insights, and opportunities to learn and grow.

Why we need Pride Month

In the past, psychology professionals considered LGBTQ+ identities to be mental illnesses. The World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders in 1990. According to the Human Dignity Trust, 67 jurisdictions continue to criminalize same-sex sexual activity. 42 of those countries criminalize consensual sexual activity between women, while 11 impose the death penalty for queer people. Consequently, LGBTQ+ people have been threatened, abused, mistreated, detained, punished, killed and excluded from society.

The Stonewall Riots that took place in 1969 in the US were important protests that highlighted the need for gay rights in the US and around the world. In New York, soon after the riots, the first openly gay march demanded equality and Pride was born. It is about celebrating all aspects of our life as LGBTQ+ people, a reminder of how far we have come, and how much more there is still to do.

Pride and mental health

When we look at LGBTQ+ history and the fight for equality, it is no surprise that we bear the mental health consequences. Discrimination, isolation, exclusion, rejection, and internal and societal oppression take their toll on us. Several studies found that LGBTQ+ individuals suffer from higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.

Pride season helps us to recognize our trauma as a community and explore how that impacts us as individuals. It provides a platform for us to challenge governments, lawmakers, institutions, and organizations on inequalities. And on a personal level, it can boost our mental health and wellbeing.

Pride month mental health benefits

Connection: Several studies demonstrate the link between loneliness, poor mental health and early mortality. LGBTQ+ people can feel disconnected from friends and family, and struggle to find people to connect with. Over the summer months, we can feel a sense of inclusion and community through events, marches, articles and media focus. Joining in may not always be easy, but the affirmation, relatability and human connection can make us feel less alone and isolated.

Identity: When we are not affirmed and our identity is subject to abuse, our mental health suffers. Clinical psychologist Vivienne Cass describes six identity development stages that we go through as LGBTQ+ individuals: confusion, comparison, tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis. Being alongside others on this journey can help us to move between stages and reach a point where we are able to integrate being LGBTQ+ into our identity.

Allyship: Pride often inspires those around us to show their support and advocate for us. Allyship brings validation and a sense that somebody has our back. Allies can become important members of our support network, offering a safe space and a source of encouragement when things are tough. Simply knowing that they are LGBTQ+ friendly fosters a relationship where we don’t have to worry about rejection and exclusion.

Representation: Being part of a heteronormative and cisnormative society means that it is difficult to see ‘people like us’ in day-to-day life. Representation gives us the sense of belonging and confidence that we can lead full lives. It may be just the courage we need to take a step forward towards our dreams, whether it be at school, work, or home.

Role models: Whenever we see a TV personality, sports figure, or somebody in a leadership position step forward with their LGBTQ+ identity, it has an impact. It can give us a boost that we can be ourselves and overcome hurdles when we come out. Pride is a time of storytelling and hearing from others who have come through adversity to lead open lives. It can inspire us to take an important step in our journey towards our pride.

Giving back: Research tells us that giving back is good for our mental health. It is beneficial for our stimulation and provides a sense of purpose and gratitude. Getting involved in Pride activities can leave you feeling confident, satisfied and has the potential to release endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers and pleasure chemicals, often referred to as ‘happy hormones’. Whether you are participating in a march, organizing a meet-up or contributing to an LGBTQ+ cause, the chances are that you’ll come away with a boost.

Wherever you are on your journey, psychotherapy can offer a safe space to explore your feelings.

Connect with one of our Therapists in Milwaukee, WI, and Across Wisconsin

If you’re interested in learning more about LGBTQIA Affirming Therapy, you can send us a message here or follow these simple steps:

  1. Contact Hillary Counseling to schedule an appointment

  2. Meet with a caring therapist for your first session

  3. Start receiving support from the comfort of your home!

Other Services Offered with Hillary Counseling

Our holistic therapists are here to help you when it comes to your mental health! We offer a variety of mental health services to support individuals and couples based in Milwaukee (or who live in Wisconsin). Sessions are available both in-person at our office in Milwaukee’s Third Ward, as well as virtually for anyone in the state. We offer anxiety treatmentteen therapygrief counselingonline therapyeating disorders therapytrauma & PTSD therapy, EMDR therapy, OCD therapytherapy for college students, women’s health and wellness, LGBTQ+ therapy, and Neurodivergent affirming therapy.

Article By: Sonal Thakrar, UK Psychologist

Happy woman with great mental health

Monday Motivation…

“You have this one life. How do you want to spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Dieting? Running after people who don’t see you? Be brave. Believe in yourself. Do what feels good. Take risks. You have this one life. Make yourself proud.”

-Beardsley Jones

Happy woman who seeks therapy for women by a licensed psychotherapist at Hillary Counseling in Milwaukee, WI

5 Tips To Be Happier Today

It’s gloomy outside of my window as I type. Everything is gray. The days are getting shorter. And at mid-life, there are all kinds of stressors! If you’re at all like me and could use a pick-me-up on this, the Monday after Thanksgiving (or, as my friend Becky Burch writes, The Monday of All Mondays), here are five Darwininian-inspired tips.

The evolutionary perspective on human emotions holds that our emotions, including happiness, evolved as they did to serve important evolutionary functions for our ancestors during the bulk of human evolutionary history.1 Under these conditions, largely when ancestrally modern humans lived in the African savanna in small, tight-knit groups, people experienced happiness when they encountered outcomes that would have been associated with survival and/or reproductive success. Such outcomes would have included, for instance:

-Finding a great new food source
-Creating something that is admired by others
-Natural phenomena such as a fresh water stream during drought conditions
-Sharing laughter and stories with family members
-Experiencing mutual love with a partner who is adoring, trustful, and attractive

As we experience the time of year associated with waning sunlight in North America, here are five ways to harness happiness based on this evolutionarily informed approach.2

1. Eat something healthy and yummy.

Under ancestral conditions, humans evolved to prefer foods that put fat on one’s bones, anticipating drought and famine. For this reason, we evolved to prefer foods that are high in things like carbohydrates and salt. Ironically, the modern food industry has hijacked these food preferences. And this is why places like Burger King are so good at making money but also at distributing food that is obnoxiously unhealthy.

For these reasons, eating something that is simply tasty does not always have happiness-inducing effects in the modern world. Tasty foods, such as chocolate chip cookies that are fresh from the oven, come with a price. And such foods might come with guilt from not being able to control one’s impulses.

Natural foods, which map onto the kinds of foods that our ancestors would have eaten before the advent of agriculture, can be tasty but they are also generally guilt-free. Find your favorite tasty natural treat today. It may be grapes, clementines, salmon, sweet potatoes, etc. Eat something tasty and natural today, and do it with a guilt-free smile.

2. Create and share something today.

The creative spirit is a basic part of our evolved psychology. We admire creative others and we tend to take joy in the creative process. Under ancestral conditions, creativity was widely respected, likely as it had all kinds of benefits when it came to surviving and reproducing.3 Further, creativity is an inherently social endeavor. And sharing with others is a critical piece of happiness in a species such as ours with sociality being so foundational.

When it comes to forms of creativity, the options are nearly endless. Write a quick story or joke to share with a friend. Or a poem that captures your spirit today. Or maybe draw something. Perhaps a doodle during that department meeting will emerge into something that makes you really smile. Whether it is big or small, I say try to create something every day. And share it with someone who will appreciate it. And maybe see if they will share back. Sharing creative products, no matter how small, provides a simple route to joy on a daily basis.

3. Get out into nature.

Sure, it’s harder to get out into nature when it’s cold and gloomy outside. Add a saturated schedule to this and you’ve got a recipe for staying indoors and doing not much of anything. But remember, for the lion’s share of human evolutionary history, our ancestors were outside constantly. We evolved to be surrounded by fresh air as well as both plant and animal life. Natural water features, sky, and sun were all regular players in the daily lives of our ancestors. As such, we evolved a strong love for nature that goes deep into our evolved psychology.4

It might be a two-mile run before work. Or a quick walk in a park near the office. Or maybe, if time allows, an intensive hike deep into the woods. But whatever your schedule allows, make sure to get some outside time with some elements of nature in it. Nature experiences famously go hand-in-hand with happiness.

4. Share and communicate with family members today.

As is true in many species, kin matter quite a bit in the human experience. From an evolutionary perspective, kin are those special people in the world who disproportionately share specific genetic combinations with ourselves. As a consequence, kin have an inherent evolutionary interest in our successes. This is why “blood is thicker than water.”

Think of a family member whom you get along with well and send them a text or give them a call. No agenda is needed. Just make sure that there are some laughs involved.

5. Make time for love.

In the human experience, love and happiness go hand-in-hand.5 For this reason, finding and cultivating loving relationships is a critical part of the human experience. And love has a way of facilitating happiness that truly cannot be matched.

Want to learn more about how you can FEEL HAPPIER? Reach out to schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our therapists, info@hillarycounseling.com.

Article By: Glenn Gear, Ph.D, of Psychology Today

Join Our Team…Looking For A Licensed Mental Health Therapist In Wisconsin (LCSW, LPC, LMFT, Psy.D)

At Hillary Counseling, we believe in a better future for mental health. Delivering an exceptional experience for our clients begins with creating an exceptional experience for our team.

We are deeply passionate about the integrity of our work, providing excellence in delivery of care, and advocating for social change. Through our efforts, the environment here supports wellness; our practice is a rewarding place to work as well as an excellent place to receive care.

Our growing team is comprised of highly skilled and motivated professionals who share a vision, treat clients with respect and compassion, and aspire to serve our community by creating an inclusive environment where clients find fulfillment, improve health and develop greater meaning in their lives.

As professionals, we are committed to collaboration and investing in one another’s clinical, professional, and personal development. Valuing connection and relationships, we offer support, feedback and insight during our monthly consultation meetings and weekly check-ins.

Hillary Counseling is seeking an independently-licensed clinician (LCSW, LCPC, LMFT, Psy.D.) who specializes in working with INDIVIDUALS AND/OR COUPLES. Our clients are a diverse population of students and young professionals who are high-functioning and motivated to improve their lives.

Therapists with niche specialties are encouraged to apply, as well.

Job Details: Full-time and Part-time Psychotherapists, Independent Contractor

Primary Job Description: To provide counseling to individuals and couples with a broad range of mental health issues, including: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, life transitions, personal growth, and relationship improvement.

Starting Date: May/June 2022

Location: Hybrid of teletherapy and in-person sessions. A 100% remote position (providing tele-therapy sessions from home) is also an option for therapists who are licensed in the state of WI.

Compensation: $80 – $110 per client session, dependent on qualifications and experience. 

Responsibilities:

  • Meeting with clients for initial consultation sessions to formulate a psychosocial assessment and determine eligibility for services.
  • Creating and implementing treatment plans for every client.
  • Submitting progress notes and charting documentation within one business day of sessions.
  • Collaborating with other providers, including previous treatment team, psychiatrists, family, school staff, and community providers to coordinate care and advocate for clients’ needs.
  • Making referrals to agencies and community resources.
  • Attending weekly supervision and monthly case consultation meetings.
  • Assisting with creative and administrative tasks as needed such as social media and marketing.
  • Marketing yourself to grow a referral base and recognition within the community.

Requirements: 

  • MUST BE A LICENSED MENTAL HEALTH CLINICIAN (LCSW, LCPC, LMFT, Psy.D.) in the state of Wisconsin.
  • Minimum of 2 years clinical experience.
  • Must carry current professional malpractice liability insurance of at least $1,000,000/$3,000,000.
  • Must be accurate and timely in submitting billing at the end of every session.
  • Must be timely in submitting case notes within one business day.
  • Must be able to respond to all client referrals and needs via email and phone within 24 hours.
  • Must have strong organizational and time management skills.

What We Provide:

  • Full integration into www.hillarycounseling.com
  • Profile on Psychology Today 
  • Business Cards
  • Business email address
  • Client Referrals
  • Credit card processing and accounting services for your clients
  • Comfortable and tastefully decorated office space
  • Office supplies needed for completion of paperwork
  • Materials for therapy interventions 
  • Wi-Fi access
  • Coffee/Tea/Water service for clients
  • Supervision and case consultation
  • Competitive compensation

To Apply:

  1. Provide in written format (1) Describe your interest in this position and how your clinical experience would match with the focus of this practice. (2) Specify your availability to see clients.
  1. Send your resume in addition to any previous work/accomplishments pertinent to this position.
  1. Please note the selected candidate will be required to submit proof of degree, license, professional malpractice insurance and will be required to maintain these qualifications.

Email the above to info@hillarycounseling.com.  For more information on our practice, please check out our Website, Facebook and Instagram.

 

Man hiking

Can You Train Yourself to Become a More Optimistic Person?

The brain has a natural optimism bias—we are what I call “wired for love”. This means that when we are connected to others in deep and meaningful ways, and when we are satisfied with where we are in life and where we are going (even if we have ups and downs, which are normal!), we can function at a healthy level. The brain likes it when we are in a good place!

If this is so, why does the negative seem so…overwhelming? Why do bad things and bad people tend to stick to our mind like super glue? Why is it so easy to fall into negative thinking spirals?

The negative affects us more because it is so unusual. Think about the many noises you hear at night: cars driving by your home, the chittering of crickets, the hum of the washing machine or refrigerator—these sounds are “normal” and don’t disturb your sleep because you are used to them. But, if you hear a door quickly open or a window break, you are suddenly on high alert. Something is out of place/out of balance, and your attention will stay fixed on that noise until you figure out what is going on and if you are safe.

The negative is like this “out-of-place” noise: it doesn’t make sense and your brain is not happy about this imbalance, so it tries to figure out how to fix this situation. It is easy to fix all your attention on this abnormality until it does make sense, but this can have some serious mental and physical repercussions if we are not careful, because, over time, toxic rumination disrupts the energy flow in the brain. Whatever we think about the most grows!

As I mentioned above, when we think too negatively or just focus on the bad (a pessimistic state of mind), the energy flow in the brain becomes distorted and incoherent, which can result in inflammation in the brain and body, jumps in cortisol levels, digestive issues, heart problems, mood swings and so on. In fact, this state of mind, which is what is known as a “red brain” on qEEg scans can even activate weaknesses in our genetic code! And, over time, it can become a pessimistic thinking habit—the more we think this way, the more the world seems like a terrible place.

Thankfully, we can combat and heal the effects of focusing too much on the negative by self-regulating our mind. This means focusing on how we think, feel and choose. Dr. Caroline Leaf discuss’s this in detail in her book, Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. When we learn how to control our mind, we can rebalance the chemicals and energy in the brain and combat the negative health effects of toxic rumination.

This doesn’t mean that we should fear negativity. It is normal to have negative thoughts and experience uncomfortable emotions. If we think we are happy all the time, then we are lying to ourselves—we are suppressing the negative, which will only make things worse. Rather, we need to change the way we perceive the negative. We need to see negative thoughts and feelings as signals that something is going on in our lives that needs to be addressed; there is an “out-of-place noise” in our mental house that we need to get to the root of. This means asking questions like “why I am so pessimistic?”, “what are my triggers?”, “how does the negative affect me?” and “what is the thinking pattern behind my thoughts and feelings, and how can I change or rewire this?”.

The brain changes all the time because it is neuroplastic. The great news is that you can direct this change with your mind (your thinking, feeling, and choosing). You are always thinking, which is why self-regulation is such a great habit—it gives you the tools to control your mind!

Based on decades of research and practice, Dr. Caroline Leaf developed a self-regulation method that harnesses the neuroplastic nature of the brain through specific techniques to combat the negative influence of toxic rumination. Although there is a lot going on behind the scenes when you self-regulate your thinking and manage your mind, the process itself is not only simple but also accessible, no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing:

1. When you find yourself getting trapped in a toxic thinking spiral, take a 10 second pause, for as many times as you need. I recommend deep breathing during this pause, which helps bring brain energy back into balance. Breathe in for 3 counts (say, mentally or out loud, “think, feel”), then breathe out for 7 counts (say mentally or out loud, “choooooooose”).

This is like a reset button in the brain, and will increase your decision-making ability and clarity of mind. Indeed, doing this 6 to 9 times can really reorganize chemical chaos that results from negative thinking in the brain by transferring this energy from the toxic thinking pattern to cleaning up your mental mess!

2. Do a NeuroCycle, which is the self-regulation technique.

Here are the steps:

  • Gathering awareness of your physical and emotional warning signals. We can only change what we are aware of!
  • Reflecting on why you are feeling these things in your body and mind.
  • Writing down your reflections to organize your thinking.
  • Rechecking what you have written and how your thoughts and feelings have changed.
  • Active Reach: taking action to reconceptualize your thinking and find sustainable healing.

If you do this daily for 63 days, you can actually rewire a negative thinking habit or a pessimistic mindset. Each of these steps essentially reset the brain, taking you deeper into your own mind and transferring energy from toxic to healthy. Doing this not only makes your mind and brain more resilient to the pull of negative rumination; it teaches you to use your mind to change your brain! It shows you how to make negativity and life challenges work for you and not against you—YOU TAKE CONTROL, which will have positive carryover effects in other areas of your life.

When you learn how to self-regulate your thinking, you change the energy flow in the brain, which has a host of positive effects on your wellbeing. You still have negative thoughts, of course, but they don’t control your thinking, you control them!

For more information on the optimism bias and self-regulation, listen to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s podcast on MindBodyGreen.

Want help improving your own optimism? Email us at info@hillarycounseling.com to schedule a COMPLIMENTARY 30-minute consultation. Let us help you “Live A Life You Love!”

Article by: Dr. Caroline Leaf