Why We Resist Change
One reason that people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up rather than what they have to gain.
-Rick Godwin
It’s Okay to “Fail” on Your Way to Finding What You Want to Do
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
I would say it’s a safe assumption that most people aren’t quite sure what they’re doing.
What do I mean? I mean that most individuals—whether they look polished and presentable or haphazardly have their life thrown together—are generally playing a game called “life.” And they’re trying the best they can.
In other words, we’re all capable and have all experienced the highs and lows of what life has to offer. Unfortunately, that’s just part of the human experience. To try to ride the highs while avoiding the lows is counterproductive and, quite frankly, impossible.
But it’s also easy to feel like you’re falling down a dark rabbit hole when times are tougher. And one of those feelings revolves around our desire to make an impact on this world, finding what really drives us.
Great! Now, where to start?
And that’s the problem. Most of us, including myself, have fallen victim to not knowing what to do with our lives, both professionally and even personally.
And I offer you this: that is perfectly okay. And it is perfectly okay to fail on your way to finding out what to do with your life.
Failing Whether You Want To or Not
Life isn’t about an end goal or a destination. Life is about enjoying the ride and trying different things. Things you will succeed at and things you won’t succeed at.
I personally have failed at many things in my life in its two most common forms: action and inaction.
One of my biggest “failures” of inaction was sticking with a career that I didn’t enjoy on any level for far too long. It got so bad, I would begin to dread Saturdays because I knew the next day was Sunday, which meant the day before the workweek began. And when that week started, I counted the days down until the weekend.
And the cycle would repeat. Yet I kept this uncomfortable routine for years, lying to myself and saying that it was okay because I had a stable job, a good income, and it could be worse.
I was too scared to take a step or make a move. And years flew by before I realized it was time to take one.
I also didn’t move when I had the opportunity to. I didn’t take a trip because it might have required a bit more financing than I thought. I didn’t volunteer because life got busy and I shelved the idea.
The lack of moving forward, or taking a step, results in a failed effort to grow as a person. We begin to regret that we didn’t do X, Y, or Z. And unfortunately, living with regret is the fastest way to bury yourself into a hole.
But failure can also occur as you go about sticking your neck out and trying different things.
And unfortunately, this is the one that scares most people. Why? Because there is nothing worse than actually taking a leap of faith, only to have it blow up in our face. We may learn valuable life lessons from it, yet it doesn’t exactly help our arch-nemesis, the ego.
But as Wayne Gretzky once said: “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”
So if the last relationship you got into didn’t work out, it’ll be okay. If the job you switched to didn’t turn out in your favor, not a problem. And if telling someone your true feelings got you on the wrong side of the equation, so be it.
Now you know. And you never would have known if you didn’t take that step. Rest easy knowing that you made the effort.
Life and Newton’s First Law of Motion
I remember at very specific points telling myself that sooner than later I’d figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I needed to keep my job in the meantime.
Life doesn’t work like that.
I used to think that a lightning bolt from Zeus himself would come down and strike me, in the form of some epiphany wrapped in a layer of motivation. This “lightning bolt,” some kind of chance meeting with someone or witnessing something, would basically give me all the info I needed to pursue the things in life that were meant for me.
I was convinced it was that simple.
As you can imagine, that lightning bolt never hit, and I felt stuck. And it was equally hard to imagine a different life besides the one I was living: going to work, watching TV, and going out on the weekends with friends.
This life I was living had done me fairly well up to this point, but I knew something was missing. What that piece (or pieces) were, I didn’t know. But all of us, at some point, feel that sort of “empty” void that we know something is absent.
After awhile, I began to take steps to try different things that struck my fancy. Things like writing, taking an art class, volunteering, reading, researching different industries and careers, and many more. If it stuck out to me, I was willing to give it a shot.
And here you have executed on Newton’s First Law of Motion: An object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an external force.
In simpler terms, an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
Looking back, all of the small things I tried were baby steps, but very important ones. It was these tiny little movements, so to speak, that enabled me to start moving in a direction that gave me greater joy and led to more fulfillment.
I started writing for a local magazine, free of charge, in an effort to practice my writing. I made it a point to read at least one book every two weeks, and ended with over thirty-four by year-end. I went back to school and completely changed careers.
And, as you can imagine, life got much better. But it didn’t go completely smoothly. I had some wrong turns in there, including taking a bad job and entering a bad relationship.
I did all these things in an effort to find my true calling, the one or two things that completely light me up and I would do for free without hesitation. Have I found it yet? I can’t say I have.
And yet somehow, I’m a little more at ease knowing that while I may not know what I want to do with my life, I’m trying things that will help me eventually find it.
I can also tell you that I’ve failed multiple times through taking action and I’ve failed multiple times by doing nothing.
It’s through these failures, though, that I’ve learned to hone in on the things that worked. And through honing in on the things that worked, I’ve been able to focus my attention in areas that interest me and have given me the greatest return.
You Have An Amazing Ride If You Want It
If I were to tell you with 110 percent certainty and conviction that life has an amazing ride in store for you if you were to take baby steps toward finding yourself, would you do it? If I were to then tell you that no matter what steps you take, you will ultimately fail at some point, would you still do it?
It should give you comfort to know that the steps you take won’t be perfect by any means. And knowing they’re not perfect should take the pressure off on trying to create immaculate scenarios every single time.
I know one thing: I’m much closer to finding my life’s purpose than I was before. And it’s because I’ve taken steps to try different things and see what sticks and what doesn’t.
Ultimately, there are many steps in life ahead of you that will be the right choice, and a few that will be the wrong choice. But either way, you’re winning by taking action.
Article by: Adam Bergen of Tiny Buddha
4 Things I Needed to Accept When I Was in Transition and Felt Insecure
“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.”- Robert Tew
I want you to picture this. You are standing on a mountain, and in front of you is a taller mountain with a prettier view. Between the mountains is 100,000 foot plunge to the bottom, filled with jagged rocks. You know that you need to make it to that other mountain and that the only way for you to do so is to jump—but for some reason, you cannot move.
This is what transition feels like, especially when you have to make huge leaps into new and unexplored territories.
Recently, I found myself in this very position, paralyzed with fear. All I could think about was how I was going to go from being a graduate student to being a real adult, working and living in the real world.
To be completely honest, I wasn’t even thinking—I was worrying and putting mounds of pressure on myself to make a move, to act. What’s worse is that in times of transition it seems as though you are being truly tested.
Personally, the comfort cocoon I created for myself over my college years unraveled. My friends graduated and left to start their lives. All of a sudden, what used to be continuous social outings changed into monthly check-ins.
I was confused as to how I got here. I would look around, hoping that someone would show up and be a source of entertainment. That never happened and I found myself alone.
At first, I didn’t take this as a gift but as a punishment. I wanted to be distracted because if I was, then I wouldn’t have to think about what was coming next. I wouldn’t have to face my greatest fear of being by myself. Luckily, the universe had other plans.
When I first started being alone, my insecurities and doubts came rushing in to keep me company. I was constantly telling myself that I was not worthy, that I was not enough, and that I was not strong enough to make this transition. I doubted my capabilities and everything I’d earned up until that point.
When I would interview for jobs, I’d be interviewing out of fear. I thought the people on the other side of the phone were better than me because they achieved what, at the time, I thought I could not.
I compared myself to others who seemed further along on their life path. I became jealous and angry that I wasn’t as far along as them. I resented myself because I believed I had no life experience.
Transition scrambles your life up, both externally and internally. I thought I’d resolved my issue of being alone, yet here I was, mistaking aloneness for loneliness. I thought I was confident and sure about myself, yet here I was, questioning the very foundation I’d built. I slammed into my own mental brick wall and then became idle in moving toward the life I desired.
One day, as I was sitting by my space heater drinking hot chocolate, I thought about what was holding me back—what I didn’t want to admit myself. After doing some self-reflection, I realized there were several things I needed to accept. They are as follows:
1. I was scared.
I wasn’t sure and I am still not sure if what I am jumping to is safe or promising. It’s the unknown, but in admitting to myself that I was terrified, I immediately felt lighter because I was no longer wasting time convincing myself that I was not fearful.
2. I don’t have everything figured out, and that’s okay.
I had to tell myself that transitions don’t happen overnight; they happen over days, months, even years. I have plenty of time to discover, to explore, to create, and to decide what my transition will be and how I will get there.
3. I was in the in-between.
In the in-between, you are neither here nor there. You are just in the middle. Think of it as though you are hovering in the space between those two mountains. I used to hate this space, because I wasn’t in control. Yet, in all honestly, you are never really in control. In this space, you have to trust—trust yourself, trust the universe.
The beautiful part about the in-between is that it gives you time to make a plan and to execute it. Taking small steps every day proved to me that I was actively moving toward my desired mountain. I designed a plan that was manageable so I wouldn’t become immobilized again. It made the tasks ahead less daunting.
4. My thoughts could be my prison or my wings.
I struggle with this daily and I “fail” at it a lot. It’s hard to erase negative thinking habits and replace them with positive ones. Then, if you add the weight of your insecurities and doubts, it seems like an impossible feat.
What has helped me the most is taking each moment as it comes. In one moment, I can be completely fine. In the next moment, I can be upset about why I am not this or that, what I look like, what I feel like, why I am wrong or right, etc. In those difficult moments, I remind myself to breathe.
I breathe through my loud judgmental voice, and I acknowledge her presence in my head. I then tell myself that no matter what the circumstances, I am loved, I am protected, and I am safe. Sometimes this works and other times it doesn’t. The point is that I don’t have a clear-cut solution to this issue; I take it day by day.
When it comes to appreciating my aloneness, I have gotten into the habit of not inviting anyone over when I am feeling antsy or I feel like I need company to be okay with myself. I sit with that discomfort, and make myself do an activity I can absorb myself in, like coloring, playing Solitaire, or reading. In doing this, I actually spend time with myself, by myself, for myself.
Everyone’s transition isn’t going to look the same, and it isn’t going to bring about the same issues or ideas. Regardless of what yours looks like, remember that change is the only constant and that transition is a part of change. We must embrace our transition even if it is difficult.
In doing so we face ourselves and we acknowledge the areas we need to grow in, the areas where we are strong in, and the areas we didn’t even know existed. We help heal ourselves into wholeness so when we do finally decide to make that jump, we are not scared about whether we are going to reach the other side.
Article by: Jada Wan of Tiny Buddha
Developing This Character Trait Will Improve Your Mental Health, Relationships and World View
It’s safe to say that this time last year, many of us experienced a rude awakening: We were all preoccupied with and limited by “bubbles” of our own creation—so much so that, over time, we fell out of touch with reality. Regardless of where you stand on the political spectrum, everyone is affected to some extent by sophisticated and influential advertising, social media algorithms, and a natural, human, scientifically proven disposition to be among people who are like us. But now, it seems more than ever, it’s important to rise above these boundaries and become better listeners, doers, and caretakers. We need to develop more empathy and tolerance. Our collective well-being depends on it.
“Wellness” is part of the problem.
Lately, and understandably, the wellness world has been under scrutiny for being largely inaccessible to those who need it most. Until recently, it was the perfect example of a bubble: represented by one predominant race, gender, body type, and socioeconomic status.
In addition to our propensity to surround ourselves with people who look, think, work, and play like us, here are several forces working against in wellness and elsewhere, and they’ll “win” without conscious and deliberate action from us. If we rely on services to aggregate our news, for example, we’re imposed upon by the biases of the curators. By participating in social media and following accounts we like (or are like us), we’re creating the ultimate bubble, the bubble that’s defining these times. And it has a ripple effect: Where there is social media, or social-media-informed in-person events, there is ripe real estate for advertisers giving them arguably more sway than ever before. That’s not to say that advertisements are inherently bad, but they do perpetuate the bubble effect.
But it’s also part of the solution. Here’s why our bubbles need to be popped.
A love of wellness and devotion to personal and communal well-being is what can bring us together. The challenge is to overcome boundaries that rule our subconscious minds. The first step is awareness. The second is to connect to one another despite our differences.
With increased awareness of the bubble phenomenon, a few companies jumped at the opportunity to show us just how much we’ve isolated ourselves. This plugin was released directly after the election to give Facebook users a sense of how one-sided their chosen friend groups are. According to KIND, the healthy snack brand, only 5 percent of the social media population interacts with people who differ from their viewpoints. In response, they created a “Pop Your Bubble” initiative that connects Facebook users to those with profiles that specify preferences that are different from their own.
Our charge, first and foremost, is to increase empathy.
The research reveals that our charge is to connect to others who are different, be open to new experiences, and be outgoing. Several studies show that cultivating empathy for others and feelings of connectedness to the larger group are “positively correlated to psychological well-being, physical health, satisfaction with life, and perceived support of peer and adult mentors, among other things.”
One study of Japans elders measured five traits—neuroticism, extroversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness—in communal living for people over 65 and found that extroversion, openness, and conscientiousness were linked to a longer life span. Another indicated that openness and higher emotional intelligence is related to faster recovery rates in patients with coronary heart disease.
Self-care 2.0 is taking responsibility for your communities.
In this community, we are all healers. We are healers of ourselves and healers of the planet. It’s time to extend your energies to the community and make a conscious effort to outsmart the forces at play. Sign up for newsletters about things you don’t understand. Go to a performance you would never have considered. Read a book written by someone who is not like you in gender, race, sexuality, or political views. You are the company you keep.
Article by: Lindsay Kellner of Mind, Body, Green
31 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Setting Next Year’s Goals
You can find more purpose and happiness at work and in life by asking yourself better questions…
Have you ever done a copy-and-paste of your goals from the previous year because you didn’t accomplish any of them? I have. I’ve also fallen into the lazy trap of making my goals in line with everyone else’s — to weigh less, spend less, earn more.
The new year is an opportunity. Many of us use the turning of the year to think about where we are and where we want to go. We set goals and make resolutions for how the coming year will be different. Better.
When we set goals by just going through the motions, we have little chance of success. At best, we might luck into a little progress, but it’s never very satisfying. Instead, taking time in advance to reflect leads to knowing ourselves better. And when we know ourselves, setting the goals for what’s next becomes much easier.
If life is a journey, the questions we ask ourselves are the fuel that gets us from here to there.
Without this intentional reflection, we react impulsively and with limited information. We’re vulnerable to getting pushed around by the forces of those more proactive than us.
Here are 31 questions to reflect on in December–one for each day–before you set your New Year’s resolutions. They’re intended to get you thinking about what you have to be grateful for, what you want to change, and what effort is needed to propel you forward.
- What are the first thoughts that come to mind about the past year? Mostly positive, negative, or neutral?
- What was one of the most interesting things I learned this year?
- Who was one person I met that I’d like to get to know better? Why?
- What was one of my most challenging moments? Why?
- What was one of my favorite accomplishments?
- What was one personal strength I used this year? How did it benefit my work or life?
- What hurdle came up more than once? (time, money, attitude, location, knowledge, etc.)
- How well did I communicate with the people who matter most to me?
- What three events or accomplishments were made possible by the help of others?
- What advice would I offer someone else on the basis of a lesson I learned this year?
- What are three problems that came up at work? How did I approach solving those problems? Are there any trends in those problems or solutions?
- Who needed my encouragement this year? What did I say or do to help them along?
- If I were writing a memoir, what would I highlight in the chapter about this year?
- What was I doing when I forgot about time and was able to be “in the moment”?
- What frustration seemed to come up again and again?
- What did I start and not finish?
- What did I try and fail?
- What three things am I curious to know more about?
- If I could wave a magic wand and master one skill, what would it be? Why?
- Who is one person I could help right now? How? What would it “cost” me? What would I gain?
- When did I slow someone else’s progress? Why? What was I worried about?
- What’s one thing I made or created from scratch? How did that feel?
- What’s one thing I did that left me exhausted at the end? How did that feel?
- What’s one thing I was a part of this year that I’ll remember for the rest of my life? Why?
- What was the nicest thing someone did for me this year?
- What was the nicest thing I did for someone else this year?
- If I could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be?
- What felt difficult one year ago that now feels easy (or easier)?
- Of the books I read this year, which was my favorite?
- How did I capture my thoughts and feelings? (journaling, writing, social media sharing, talking one-on-one with friends or family, etc.) Was that method helpful?
- What are six adjectives that best describe this year? What would I like those adjectives to be next year?
Asking ourselves reflective questions can jump-start our learning. When we’re more aware of our interests and desires, we can create goals that align with what we want — not what we think we’re supposed to want. Some of these questions are bigger than others and will be more difficult to answer. They’re intended to be asked one at a time each day for a month. Taking these questions day by day allows your thinking to change over the course of the day. Keeping a journal of these questions and your answers helps you keep track of what you notice through this process. At the end of the month, use these answers to help you create goals aimed at making the coming year your best year yet.
Article by: Robin Camarote of Inc.
4-Step Formula to Pursuing Your Dreams
When I was 26, I was fumbling through life in different jobs that were only partially fulfilling, unsure of my future but certain of only one thing:
I don’t know what my IT is, but I know IT is going to be big.
I knew very little about what I wanted out of life, but I hungered for authority and to be taken seriously. Then a good friend, Krista, introduced me to a book: “The Dream Manager,” by Matthew Kelly. The book itself generally discussed how a middle manager reduced turnover by investing himself in his employees’ personal goals, which has since become very important to me in my career. But at the time, I was more impressed with the concept of creating a “Dream List.”
Essentially, The Dream Manager explained a simple concept. Fewer than 1 percent of the world ever writes down their hopes, dreams or ambitions, and fewer ever share this list with a third party, creating accountability for their goals. But of those who do, they are much more likely to live their version of a fulfilled life.
I created my Dream List and compiled 100 dreams I hoped to accomplish before I die. Now, exactly 10 years later, I’ve accomplished more than 80 of them and have a new 100 in their place.
If you are feeling a bit lost in life or confused about how to accomplish your life goals, I encourage you to follow these four important steps:
1. Write it down.
First, open an Excel spreadsheet. Create some time categories across the top of your sheet, such as “6 months,” “5 years,” and “Lifetime.” Next, along the left side of your sheet, create as many categories of life that you can think of, including (but not limited to): Spiritual, Family, Professional, Financial, Intellectual, Community, Character and Travel.
Now, take the time to fill in at least one goal for each of the intersecting buckets you’ve created between time and category. If you can get to more than one dream per section, all the better. Write until you can write no more.
2. Notice your themes.
If you are lost in your current career, feeling strapped for cash or frustrated with dead-end relationships, it can be hard to pull yourself out of your current predicament to dream big. So start small.
If you can’t see your future in the Lifetime category, think about where you want to be in one month, and if you are feeling stuck in your professional category, focus on travel or community. Dreams can overlap categories; in fact, I encourage it.
Every once in awhile, pull back from your list to see if you can find themes, or you can build them in right from the start. For instance, if you want to complete a marathon at some point in your life, then perhaps you may want to add a half marathon to your five-year goal and a 5K to your six-month. Do you notice a theme between travel and spiritual that you are longing to spend meaningful time in India at an ashram? Perhaps that can influence your financial goals as you consider how much something like that would cost. You might even consider what professional aspirations you have: could you work at one of these places?
When you remove yourself from your everyday monotony, you can find some gems that may guide you toward a more fulfilling future.
3. Share with others.
Once you feel your list is complete, write down a person’s name next to each dream. This person should be the person in your life that is most likely to help you accomplish this particular dream. Then, share those dreams with your identified person. Ask them for help in holding you accountable to accomplishing your goals, and give yourself deadlines for reaching back out to them to report out on your progress.
By sharing your dreams and asking others for help, you allow people who care about you to invest themselves in your life, and you make it far more likely that you’ll achieve your goals.
4. Check in regularly.
This final step is the most important. You don’t serve yourself by committing to goals and then putting them on a shelf. Plus, when you accomplish a goal, it feels great to mark it off your list and replace it with a new one. You can always move your dreams to a new timeframe if they no longer meet your original parameters, but by checking back in (say, every six months), you remind yourself of what is important to you.
I am now at a point in life where I can be proud of my years of hard work, but I know that I would be only half as far had I not crafted a dream list. So what are you waiting for? It’s time to start dreaming!
Article by: Candace Sjogren, Entrepreneur Magazine
Whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass…
Whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass. You won’t feel sad forever. At some point, you will feel happy again. You won’t feel anxious forever. In time, you will feel calm again. You don’t have to fight your feelings or feel guilty for having them. You just have to accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out. Resisting your emotions and shaming yourself will only cause you more pain, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion.
